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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel this is way too intense

88 replies

inmyshoos · 10/03/2018 14:59

Have been dating a guy since Jan. He is a fair bit older. Lives alone, grown up family. I have younger dc still at home.
He has always been keen. I have been up and down but generally he seems decent, I find him attractive and he has a lot of good points. Without doubt however he is keener. But then he has totally different circumstances. He is completely free and has more time. I am a busy working single parent and have lots of clubs/interests taking up time.
Despite my saying numerous times I need to take things one date at a time, I feel it keeps moving faster than I want and recently am feeling he is a bit intense.
To try and cut down the length of post I'll just list a few things that I've felt are a bit much.
Wanting to go to bed at same time as me so we can message (says he likes this, fair enough but I feel I can't just go and have an early night, like I'd need to make an excuse!)
He recently travelled for work and on his long journey home he let me know exact times he would be in places that he could talk/message. Sweet but I also feel like I have such a busy life I dont really need this. Message me yes, if I'm free I will respond and if not fine. Same in reverse.
I fell asleep last night and didn't message him. He had said ring his phone before I go to bed and he would stop (travelling) and we could message. This morning i said id fallen asleep when settling my daughter and he was like oh yes i thought you had forgotten to phone. I felt like I was getting told off and it feels like pressure.

I like him but it's all feeling a bit intense. I don't know if I'm maybe just not ready for any commitment or if these things would be red flags to other people too.

Is it me? AIBU? Reading it back it doesn't sound too bad so maybe it's just me being a freak!!!
Wine for those who made it to the end

OP posts:

expatinspain · 10/03/2018 19:48

Could you imagine if this was a woman being like this with a man. She'd be labelled clingy/needy at best and a bunny boiler at worse and would most likely be ghosted by an bloke she was dating! He is too much OP.
He's suffocating you. Get rid asap.

LanguidLobster · 10/03/2018 19:48

The more intense he is the more you'll want to withdraw. Only 2 months?

It doesn't sound like he understands you have different priorities at present. You might have to be blunt!

juneau · 10/03/2018 19:49

His relationship with the mother of his daughter is non existent and sounds bad.

This would worry me too, because she, presumably, knows him very well. So why no friendship/civility? Even people who have messy break-ups can still be pleasant and civil once the hurt feelings have faded.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2018 19:56

Based on your posts after mine, I think you should probably tell him that you cannot give him what he wants in a relationship so you need to end things.

The old "it's not you, it's me".

Zoeton · 10/03/2018 22:14

What’s the age difference?

He sounds like he’d be creepy and controlling whatever age he was, but I think this could be a factor.

I did date some older guys when I was younger (me 30’s them 50’s) as (initially at first) I felt flattered by the attention, and thought that they treated me very well/were very keen on me etc.

Also they seemed a lot more stable than younger men in terms of life circumstances and emotions, didn’t have to worry about competing careers schedules. Etc. And they knew what they were doing in bed

However, they both became clingy and controlling and intense, and with time, I realised they were both DESPERATE to pin down a younger woman as a carer and to “keep them young”

Original poster

inmyshoos · 10/03/2018 22:43

Zoeton I can relate to so much of what you have said. He is a lot of those things. And I have wondered if my being younger is part of the attraction for him. He talks about future things, way in the future too as if he feels we will definitely be together. I have replied 'calm right down' but he just says 'I know I know but I'm just a positive thinker!!!' Its flattering but at the same time terrifying.

OP posts:

agbnb · 10/03/2018 22:49

It sounds cloying and he's controlling!

Or at best just not listening/understanding you have other commitments.

Either way, you need to step back and explain why. If he makes you feel bad about it, you know it was a good idea.

I feel suffocation just from reading your OP.

Every couple has their balances, what is cloying for some is fine for others... But BOTH people in a relationship need to find something that works, for them. Both! And if that's not happening you need to change it. Especially with DCs around who follow your lead on what a healthy relationship looks like!

questabellatreetop · 14/03/2018 23:27

Things rings alarm bells for me, he sounds incredibly controlling. If I were you I'd take it as an early warning sign and run for the hills. Do you have an update OP?

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 15/03/2018 14:01

The bottom line is that if you're not enjoying the intensity of the relationship, it's not right for you.

Only go out with this man if you WANT to.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 18/03/2018 13:05

Update....

I have been out again with him. He tries very hard. He is lovely in so many ways and I do like him. He is however way keener than I need him to be. He is possibly a bit insecure. I am just taking it a day at a time. I've been super honest with him. He knows I can't give any more than I am at the moment. He might be a control freak or he might just be smitten and trying really hard. I'm not sure. He doesn't worry me in anyway and generally he is very lovely, if at times a little intense. I will take it a day at a time and have made this clear to him.

OP posts:

BiologyMatters · 18/03/2018 13:26

Well of course he's lovely now. He's trying to reel you in. Its only been a couple of months surely it should still be quite casual at this point. His actions scream of an insecure controlling man. He's trying to carve out portions of your day for you to pay attention to him regardless of whether it suits you or your children and then questioning you if you don't comply. Its a short step to punishing you if you don't comply.

Throw this one back. There's plenty more fish in the sea.

FlippingFoal · 18/03/2018 13:45

His actions scream of a controlling man trying to reel you in :(

AcrossthePond55 · 19/03/2018 17:27

Any man that made me feel as if I had to watch his behaviour for overstepping or to warn him that he needed to cool it would not be worth my time.

Dating relationships are supposed to be about fun and about being easy together. Yours sounds like entirely too much work to keep him at arm's length. Something else a dating relationship shouldn't be about!

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