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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel this is way too intense

88 replies

inmyshoos · 10/03/2018 14:59

Have been dating a guy since Jan. He is a fair bit older. Lives alone, grown up family. I have younger dc still at home.
He has always been keen. I have been up and down but generally he seems decent, I find him attractive and he has a lot of good points. Without doubt however he is keener. But then he has totally different circumstances. He is completely free and has more time. I am a busy working single parent and have lots of clubs/interests taking up time.
Despite my saying numerous times I need to take things one date at a time, I feel it keeps moving faster than I want and recently am feeling he is a bit intense.
To try and cut down the length of post I'll just list a few things that I've felt are a bit much.
Wanting to go to bed at same time as me so we can message (says he likes this, fair enough but I feel I can't just go and have an early night, like I'd need to make an excuse!)
He recently travelled for work and on his long journey home he let me know exact times he would be in places that he could talk/message. Sweet but I also feel like I have such a busy life I dont really need this. Message me yes, if I'm free I will respond and if not fine. Same in reverse.
I fell asleep last night and didn't message him. He had said ring his phone before I go to bed and he would stop (travelling) and we could message. This morning i said id fallen asleep when settling my daughter and he was like oh yes i thought you had forgotten to phone. I felt like I was getting told off and it feels like pressure.

I like him but it's all feeling a bit intense. I don't know if I'm maybe just not ready for any commitment or if these things would be red flags to other people too.

Is it me? AIBU? Reading it back it doesn't sound too bad so maybe it's just me being a freak!!!
Wine for those who made it to the end Wine

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/03/2018 16:59

Way too much
Block and delete op

EnglishRose13 · 10/03/2018 17:13

I don't get the bed time thing.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 10/03/2018 17:52

I know if we have a chat he will say 'yes.. of course' but we have had a chat before at least once about eavh day as it comes. Then if something happens, like recently I had him in my house despite previously saying I wasn't ready for that, he almost takes that as a green light to ramp things up. Now all of a sudden it's like he feels we are in a full blown commited relationship and can invite himself to things etc.
His relationship with the mother of his daughter is non existent and sounds bad. They've been apart for 20 years.
I'm so confused. Sometimes I think he is very lovely but keep feeling it's all a bit much and today it's all a bit much Sad

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 10/03/2018 18:19

Tell him to get lost then.
You dont sound very keen tbh.
He sounds bloody awful.

Andylion · 10/03/2018 18:19

e then asked me over and over who I thought was keener out of us. I avoided it but he asked again and again. Eventually I said probably him because he has more time, more free as no young dc etc. He replied that he felt perhaps with circumstances yes but that he would say our feelings are equal and although he says more my actions speak volumes.

OP, is he telling you how you feel about him?

LeighaJ · 10/03/2018 18:26

What's wrong with going to bed at the same time? Isn't that actually considered healthy by everyone outside of MN?

Only on MN would that be considered controlling behaviour, next thing you know people will be saying it's a red flag and to nip it in the bud. 🙄

Original poster
inmyshoos · 10/03/2018 18:29

andylion yes he is. He said he things as far as feelings go we feel the same. Made me Hmm how does he know how I feel?? He says my actions speak volumes.

OP posts:
Roussette · 10/03/2018 18:35

Why on earth would you even consider going to bed at the same time when you aren't in the same place? That sounds bonkers.

If someone was like this with me, I would deliberately not be around to do this... he doesn't need to talk to you at night unless you feel like it.

Bananalanacake · 10/03/2018 18:42

Can't you lie and say you are in bed when you're not. I mean. How is he to know?

Petalflowers · 10/03/2018 18:43

Leigh - I think do expects them to,go to bed at the same time when they are apart, not together.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 10/03/2018 18:45

rousette I think it started because bedtime is typically when I have time and peace to message. But it's too much every night. And it's his expectation that makes me feel pressure.

OP posts:
Roussette · 10/03/2018 18:46

I wouldn't even pretend! I'd deliberately be up watching netflix/making a snack/chatting to a friend on the phone... just to show how ridiculous he is being

Roussette · 10/03/2018 18:47

Yes, I understand that, and no one should feel under pressure to text or whatever. Relationships should flow naturally not be forced to a timetable, especially at these early stages

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 10/03/2018 18:53

Go to baggage reclaim, it talks about this.

Bluelady · 10/03/2018 18:56

It would do my head in. I don't know how you stand it.

Zone2mum · 10/03/2018 19:05

He sounds horribly controlling. I would extricate myself from this. The guilt tripping is already making you doubt your instincts.

MarSeeAh · 10/03/2018 19:07

He'll just get worse. He's already ignoring what you say, putting words into your mouth, demanding that you change your behaviour to suit him, and is petulant when he doesn't get his own way. He's needy and controlling.

I'd end it now. This doesn't sound good. Sorry.

eddielizzard · 10/03/2018 19:08

ok i'd set very clear boundaries. the texting nonsense has to stop. if he oversteps your boundaries that's the end. you're feeling smothered and quite rightly so. i wouldn't be able to handle this. seems like the beginning of a controlling relationship. pretty soon you'll stop seeing friends because he gives you so much hassle...

Hotdrop1 · 10/03/2018 19:08

I don't think he's necessarily controlling but just keener and also wanting the emotionally intimacy that comes from being in a relationship. If you were nuts about him I'm sure none of things he is doing would be a problems because you'd be happy to make room for him in your life. But you're not nuts about him and so his behaviour feels pressuring and a turn off which could ultimately lead to the relationship failing. I think you need to re-assert yourself in the relationship. If it doesn't work for you say so, but say what does work for you e.g. maybe you're OK with having a 15 minute telephone conversation rather than an hour of texting if he's away. If don't want to have conversations about who's keener than who, just tell you him you don't see the point of carrying on that sort of conversation. How he responds to you doing this will be very revealing. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, I think the relationship is doomed because his behaviour will just become increasingly annoying. If he changes his behaviour, it will show genuine care and concern for you which make deepen the relationship. I had a boyfriend a bit like this years ago. He was definitely keener and I did find it overwhelming. However when I told him he responded in such a grown up way, immediately backing off and telling me to tell him any time I felt I needed space, I fell in love with him!

keepKalm · 10/03/2018 19:10

Have you told him really REALLY clearly that you don’t want him to be so OTT. He might just be being a bit thick rather than controlling.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 10/03/2018 19:19

I think this is way OTT, and I'm recognising behaviours that led me to leave ex. In your shoes, OP, I'd dump and run.

Beeziekn33ze · 10/03/2018 19:24

Is he retired? He doesn't appear to get that you have your own life with responsibilities and interests already.
I've been there too, at first the attention was flattering, then I gradually felt pressure to let him know my plans for the week. I'm someone who likes to play it by ear, do what I feel like, change my mind if I want to.

PlasticWatch · 10/03/2018 19:29

Far too intense,

pimlicolife · 10/03/2018 19:35

Oh this sounds like he has major control issues rather than anything else. It rings big old alarm bells to be honest.

GeorgeW78 · 10/03/2018 19:46

Tell him to get a hobby that isn't you.

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