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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel this is way too intense

88 replies

inmyshoos · 10/03/2018 14:59

Have been dating a guy since Jan. He is a fair bit older. Lives alone, grown up family. I have younger dc still at home.
He has always been keen. I have been up and down but generally he seems decent, I find him attractive and he has a lot of good points. Without doubt however he is keener. But then he has totally different circumstances. He is completely free and has more time. I am a busy working single parent and have lots of clubs/interests taking up time.
Despite my saying numerous times I need to take things one date at a time, I feel it keeps moving faster than I want and recently am feeling he is a bit intense.
To try and cut down the length of post I'll just list a few things that I've felt are a bit much.
Wanting to go to bed at same time as me so we can message (says he likes this, fair enough but I feel I can't just go and have an early night, like I'd need to make an excuse!)
He recently travelled for work and on his long journey home he let me know exact times he would be in places that he could talk/message. Sweet but I also feel like I have such a busy life I dont really need this. Message me yes, if I'm free I will respond and if not fine. Same in reverse.
I fell asleep last night and didn't message him. He had said ring his phone before I go to bed and he would stop (travelling) and we could message. This morning i said id fallen asleep when settling my daughter and he was like oh yes i thought you had forgotten to phone. I felt like I was getting told off and it feels like pressure.

I like him but it's all feeling a bit intense. I don't know if I'm maybe just not ready for any commitment or if these things would be red flags to other people too.

Is it me? AIBU? Reading it back it doesn't sound too bad so maybe it's just me being a freak!!!
Wine for those who made it to the end Wine

OP posts:
supersop60 · 10/03/2018 15:49

He sounds needy and controlling. Run away.

Emmageddon · 10/03/2018 15:53

It does sound a bit much, to be honest. Can you ask him not to message so much? Does he realise what a busy life you lead, and that you can't be at his beck and call when he decides he is free to chat? How often do you actually see him?

donquixotedelamancha · 10/03/2018 15:55

He sounds controlling to me.

MN regularly gets posts by women who expect their new fella to reply to every text, and if he hasn't communicated several times a day then he's an inattentive user.

Now I would not text someone or reply to them several times every day. I would be put off by that, but it doesn' t make them controlling, it makes them different to me. What makes someone controlling is if they expect you to change to what they want.

So the solution is simple OP: talk to him. Ask him about his feelings and needs; but then be very explicit about what behaviours are annoying you. Lay down clear ground rules.

Having done that, if he can't respect your boundaries then you are not right for one another.

cardibach · 10/03/2018 15:55

I don’t understand the going to bed at the same time so you can message thing. I go to bed to sleep. I don’t even take my phone with me. If I did it would piss me off if someone kept waking me up to text.

UpstartCrow · 10/03/2018 15:56

He then asked me over and over who I thought was keener out of us.

Whoah. At first I thought you had different levels of interest and intensity but after reading that, no.
Has he ever had a serious relationship, and if so how did it end. Is he on good terms with any exes?

flowerslemonade · 10/03/2018 15:58

This is how the relationship I was in that turned abusive started off. It's not the level of contact it's how he reacts to it.

What would happen if you didn't reply to anything for 24 hours?

Rudgie47 · 10/03/2018 16:13

Tell him to get lost OP, who wants a control freak like him? nobody.
You have better things to do with your time than being a pen pal to him.
I'd just tell him to piss off via text.

MikeUniformMike · 10/03/2018 16:16

Get rid.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/03/2018 16:17

If youre not naturally relaxed in his company something is amiss. Ditch him

SenoritaViva · 10/03/2018 16:19

Too much for me too

teaiseverything · 10/03/2018 16:19

RUN

Whatshallidonowpeople · 10/03/2018 16:19

Sounds like my ex...he doesn't live in Horsham does he? Haha

juneau · 10/03/2018 16:20

This would set off warning bells for me - as it sounds like it's done for you. He's acting in a controlling way - wanting to go to bed when you do, wanting to be able to contact you any time it suits him, pestering you for answers to questions you don't want to answer. It sounds like he's used to having things all his own way (which if he's older and commitment-free I suppose makes some sense). But I think you have to consider whether this suits you, as you're at a different life stage and have other priorities. Do you want him pressuring you to change your routine to suit him? If so, this a warning about what he expects from you and it sounds to me as if he wants someone who's going to fit in with him, rather than the other way around.

Kitchenbound · 10/03/2018 16:20

I agree with donquixotedelamancha. Talk to this guy properly, find out what his deal is and lay down some ground rules. You'll soon know if hes not willing to compromise. Listen to your instincts most of all. At this early stage if you're already doubting he's the right guy for you, he's probably not.

pictish · 10/03/2018 16:21

He sounds like someone who, ultimately, thinks a partner is someone who is there to be at his disposal. Like you’re there to fulfill a role in his life and who and what you are as an individual plays second fiddle to his idea of what you ought to represent.
He sounds overbearing and very needy and I am concerned he will end up suffocating you in his desire to serve himself.
Your instincts are telling you to beware for a reason.

AdoraBell · 10/03/2018 16:22

Ditch him. This will get more intense. And more controlling.

BrendasUmbrella · 10/03/2018 16:25

Just say no to some things and see how he reacts.

Petalflowers · 10/03/2018 16:28

I may be missing something, but why do,you have to message in bed. Why can’t you message whilst watching Eastenders, or in between checking the lastest posts on Mumsnet?

My dh has done a lot of travelling and meetimgs recently. We also,discuss the best times to contact each other. However, if for any reason he(or me):doesn’t call, then it’s not a big deal, and he doesn’t expect to call me(and vice versa)at every opportunity.

I think the ‘it feels like pressure’ is a telling sentance. You are finding it too much. I think,you need to have a conversation about it, and take it from there.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/03/2018 16:28

What’s normal & nice for one person can be not enough or too much for another person. I don’t think what he wants is a problem, but understanding this isn’t either what you want or practical for you is a bit if an issue.

However, it’s all irrelevant really because you’ve only been dating him since January and already you sound a bit fed up of him and not really into him. If you think about finishing it with him do you feel relieved or upset? You have much younger children and are at very different life stages, do you really think its going to work with him, he seems to want you to be available much more than is practical/desirable for you. I don’t think he’s necessarily ‘in the wrong’ wanting that, but he doesn’t seem to understand that you don’t want to/can’t be that available.

pictish · 10/03/2018 16:29

Yes...a good indicator will be to say no to a few seemingly (to you) inconsequential things without apology and see how he handles it.

For example, have an early night with no bloody messaging or explaining yourself and be unapologetic the next day. Shrug it off like you s=ought to be able to...see what he has to say. If he gets angry or huffy or wounded, the hills are that way ———>

girlywhirly · 10/03/2018 16:31

If he makes you feel uncomfortable or pressured it’s not good. Only you can know whether you are happy to make the time and space in your life, but after just a few weeks you are saying things like it's moving faster than you want, it’s intense, you have such a busy life you don’t need this.

Are you afraid of his reaction if you tell him you want to scale back or finish this relationship?

GnotherGnu · 10/03/2018 16:37

If he gives you the exact times he will be available when he travels, he will expect the same from you. It sounds really smothering.

Sparkletastic · 10/03/2018 16:47

Not controlling necessarily but needy and irritating. He's also kidding himself about you being equally into him.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2018 16:52

It does sound potentially controlling OR just that you're in different stages of life with you having less free time and more responsibilities.

If you do like him in most other aspects, I'd give him ONE chance to back off. A frank talk about the fact that you have young children who must be the first priority for your time so you may not be available when he calls and that you are not going to set your schedule by his for texting, etc. If you happen to be free when he texts or calls then fine, but if not you are not going to drop everything nor rush to call him back. You will contact him when and if you are free. Essentially, what you need to tell him is that he must fit into your life because you have major responsibilities (kids), not the other way round.

Either he can handle that or he can't.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2018 16:56

Gnu reminded me of another point. If he wants to give you his itinerary that's fine. But it's simply a piece of information, not a 'contact schedule' and that you will not schedule your day around it. Nor do you feel that you have inform him of your schedule.