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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask attitudes towards teenage daughters + sex

103 replies

emberflames · 09/03/2018 21:46

This question is a little "out there" and blunt. I've just turned 26 with no children, but this is a topic I'm genuinely curious about.

Luckily in recent years people have become more aware of how awful "sl*t shaming" is and there is more of an acceptance towards women enjoying sex just as much as men but without horrible labels attached to them.

But when it comes to your own DDs (and I mean once of legal age of course) how do you approach the issue of sex and "sleeping around."

I'd never want to make my child feel ashamed about having sex. To be very honest I've never had a big sex drive so was never at any risk of being called horrible names simply because I didn't care about sex. But if I had a DD very different to me I wonder how I'd approach it.

I know some people will take this the wrong way so I'll try and be as diplomatic as possible! but my memory of the girls who did sleep around a fair bit etc were also always very much the "mean girls". That group of girls that all schools have who think they're above everyone, tease, belittle. The "popular" girls who aren't actually popular because they're really not nice people. It always seemed to be those girls who were known to have sex at all the parties etc but that in itself never really seemed to cause any issue it was more the whole sleeping with each others boyfriends, or their friends crush, or with friends ex's etc that people would be Hmm about. There was always drama amongst the "high sex drive" group. Now I am by no means saying that only "mean girls" enjoy sex! Not at all but truth is they were the ones who I suppose had the reputations.

I'm interested to know how parents of teen girls do approach this topic. Is it very much "as long as you're safe" kind of attitude? If you heard through the grape vine your DD had slept with 4 different guys over a weekend of partying would you be fine with it? Or anxious? Or disappointed ?

I think for me what it comes down to is the bragging. I lived with a girl at uni who would sneak out 3/4 nights a week. She was always very quiet about it and none of us knew where she was going. It wasn't until one night when we were all really drunk that she said she meets up with guys she's met from Tinder for one night stands. She was very open and said she just really enjoys having sex but didn't want the relationship side of things. I remember thinking good on her. I think it's great when women can celebrate their sexuality and not be ashamed. But I suppose it's the bragging of who slept with who that I find a little uncomfortable.

OP posts:
emberflames · 09/03/2018 22:50

Surprised not suspended

OP posts:
n0ne · 09/03/2018 22:51

No, not buying this. No 26yo talks like this

emberflames · 09/03/2018 22:52

None lmao ok you don't have to buy it. Wow the paranoia on this thread.

OP posts:
Creambun2 · 09/03/2018 22:52

Make your mind up. "If I had a DD" in first post, now you have a DD? Grow up.

emberflames · 09/03/2018 22:53

Cream no I don't I'm 26 how could I have a teenage daughter ? I'm not sure I even want kids... where are you getting the idea from that I have kids suddenly ?

OP posts:
emberflames · 09/03/2018 22:54

Cream your very bizarre presumptions on this thread suggest you are far more in need of "growing up" than I am. I feel sorry for you that a conversation about sexual politics is so awkward for you. It's 2018. Sex is talked about. Sorry it offends you so.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 09/03/2018 22:55

And you are displaying a very clear lack of self awareness for a psychology student. You have no idea how you would feel as a parent as you do not have the personal or life experience.

Explain to me again why someone working in Recruitment wants to know how parents feel about their teenaged children's sex lives.

Creambun2 · 09/03/2018 22:55

"I couldn't give a dam about my daughter's sex life either"

Or did you mean wouldn't? Top degree and masters? Hmm

DancingLedge · 09/03/2018 22:55

Odfod

tolerable · 09/03/2018 22:57

mean girls were....very vocally active at bearing their snidey insecurities. ..i dont like the word slut.some girls branded with it genuinely did seem to confuse sexual exploitation and village announced details..with "feelings and love" You dont choose your family.is fitted as standard.you choose whatchu teach them. ialways loved it,but inclusive of today it is a "shared experience"which is not open to public opinion.kinda funny cos people often have one based on made up facts. ..i must be some sorta weird tho,at 26,i was lone parent to 4yr old. i would never have thought of that as a "perchancity"..wow

ItsuAddict · 09/03/2018 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emberflames · 09/03/2018 23:00

Cream are you serious? Are you really this dense or are you being deliberately difficult ?

I'm so sorry I should've said "I wouldn't care about the daughter I may potentially have in the future's sex life." I thought it was glaringly obvious that it was a hypothetical statement. Clearly not.

OP posts:
ItsuAddict · 09/03/2018 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RemainOptimistic · 09/03/2018 23:01

OP in the nicest possible way you are locked into a rigid mindset of attack or be attacked.

If you want to participate in an actual debate then you have to be prepared to listen and attempt to understand the points of views of other people, which, are going to contradict and challenge your own.

HTH.

emberflames · 09/03/2018 23:02

Dione explain to me why someone who works in recruitment isn't allowed to have an interest in sexual politics and modern day attitudes towards sex and how drastically they're continuing to change ?
My anthropology professors would be pretty alarmed by how apparently inane and pointless their life's work has been.

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 09/03/2018 23:03

Ah ember did you do Combined at Durham or BA in Anthropology and Sociology - you may well have been taught by my husband/friends!

But back to the thread - given your academic insight can you not see how it would be "odd" to post on a predominantly (but not exclusively) female/mother website about teenage girls and sex? At your age you're no doubt familiar with issues around trolling etc and so should be alive to the sensitivities that members of this site would feel when asked about teenage sex lives?

emberflames · 09/03/2018 23:03

Remain. I absolutely am prepared to listen to people with opposing views ! I'm getting upset and frustrated by the hate being thrown at me. People are basically accusing me of being a creep, of being thick for having an anthropology degree, of lying about my age and my degree and job etc. Of course I won't take that lying down. I never expected such vitriol and yes it has shaken me

OP posts:
DailyMailPenists · 09/03/2018 23:04

( Custy you're back!! I haven't seen you post in ages. Go Girl! )

My cat would like to be a slut. Sadly no testicles so a Career Unfilled. :( :( :(

ItsuAddict · 09/03/2018 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsJolly · 09/03/2018 23:06

Because at 22.49 you posted that you couldn't give a damn about your daughters sex life...

emberflames · 09/03/2018 23:07

Itsu I am not challenging points which I disagree with. I am challenging people who are calling me a liar about my age/degree/job, calling me thick, making out I'm such troll or a creep. I very politely explained my stance as a degree holder of subjects that explore issues such as this, explained my job after everyone started accusing me of wiring for the daily mail (this must be a mumsnet thing because I'm still stumped by that part) and whatever other crap I've had thrown at me on this thread. I think I'm allowed to fight back at that.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 09/03/2018 23:07

There's been a few disgusting suggestions on here basically implying that I'm some creep who wants to know about teenagers sex lives which I really think says a lot more about their warped minds than my own

Or maybe they've just got more experience of internetland.

A thread saying slutshaming is 'awful' which then proceeds to slutshame girls from school? I hate the phrase 'sleeping around', it's grim.

optimuss · 09/03/2018 23:07

OP, i know a lot of people who post here to find out points of view for uni, but the trick is to hide it in a story/real question. being out there obviously fishing for data doesn't work!

emberflames · 09/03/2018 23:08

Itsuaddict what a nasty thing to say. Feeling happy with yourself are you?

OP posts:
ItsuAddict · 09/03/2018 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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