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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask attitudes towards teenage daughters + sex

103 replies

emberflames · 09/03/2018 21:46

This question is a little "out there" and blunt. I've just turned 26 with no children, but this is a topic I'm genuinely curious about.

Luckily in recent years people have become more aware of how awful "sl*t shaming" is and there is more of an acceptance towards women enjoying sex just as much as men but without horrible labels attached to them.

But when it comes to your own DDs (and I mean once of legal age of course) how do you approach the issue of sex and "sleeping around."

I'd never want to make my child feel ashamed about having sex. To be very honest I've never had a big sex drive so was never at any risk of being called horrible names simply because I didn't care about sex. But if I had a DD very different to me I wonder how I'd approach it.

I know some people will take this the wrong way so I'll try and be as diplomatic as possible! but my memory of the girls who did sleep around a fair bit etc were also always very much the "mean girls". That group of girls that all schools have who think they're above everyone, tease, belittle. The "popular" girls who aren't actually popular because they're really not nice people. It always seemed to be those girls who were known to have sex at all the parties etc but that in itself never really seemed to cause any issue it was more the whole sleeping with each others boyfriends, or their friends crush, or with friends ex's etc that people would be Hmm about. There was always drama amongst the "high sex drive" group. Now I am by no means saying that only "mean girls" enjoy sex! Not at all but truth is they were the ones who I suppose had the reputations.

I'm interested to know how parents of teen girls do approach this topic. Is it very much "as long as you're safe" kind of attitude? If you heard through the grape vine your DD had slept with 4 different guys over a weekend of partying would you be fine with it? Or anxious? Or disappointed ?

I think for me what it comes down to is the bragging. I lived with a girl at uni who would sneak out 3/4 nights a week. She was always very quiet about it and none of us knew where she was going. It wasn't until one night when we were all really drunk that she said she meets up with guys she's met from Tinder for one night stands. She was very open and said she just really enjoys having sex but didn't want the relationship side of things. I remember thinking good on her. I think it's great when women can celebrate their sexuality and not be ashamed. But I suppose it's the bragging of who slept with who that I find a little uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
emberflames · 09/03/2018 22:27

Annie wtf are you on about. What does daily mail fodder even mean?

I expected some varying responses to this but never expected people to be so damn rude. I'm really shocked.

OP posts:
Creambun2 · 09/03/2018 22:28

I think my first class honours from Durham university , masters degree and well paid job considering my age would disagree

How modest of you. Working for a shit rag like the mail isn't a good job btw.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/03/2018 22:29

For such an incredibly gifted person (or so you keep telling us) you’re very easily shocked.

Original poster
emberflames · 09/03/2018 22:30

Cream ... what? When did I mention wanting to work for the mail? I'm sincerely confused here are you all on crack?
I actually work in recruitment not that that has any relevance why are people so interested in my job?Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
emberflames · 09/03/2018 22:32

Annie I'm shocked because to me this is a very current topic of conversation one that I've been involved in many times and asking about it has brought about insults and hateful remarks. I just don't get it sincerely I don't. Perhaps I'm naive. Clearly I am. I'll know better for the future.
And if you'd like a copy of my degree certificate I'd be happy to send it over since apparently it's too difficult to believe that a young woman has actually been successful? Why do you find it so difficult to believe ? Says far more about you.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/03/2018 22:32

Trust me, no ones interested in your job.

Or your request for posters to discuss their teenagers sex lives.

Original poster
emberflames · 09/03/2018 22:34

Annie oh my god why are you twisting things so much? I'm seriously starting to wonder about you. It's a conversation about sexual politics and attitudes towards sex I don't give a fuck about people's kids sex live s but more about attitudes towards it. Honestly you've turned this into something that hadn't even entered my head and that says far more about you than me.

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Original poster
emberflames · 09/03/2018 22:35

Perhaps I'd have been better off posting this on the feminist board where people don't have such warped attitudes to the topic.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/03/2018 22:35

Many of us had degrees at 26. We didn’t feel the need to drone on about them or ask people on a parenting website to discuss their teenagers sex lives.

Original poster
emberflames · 09/03/2018 22:36

Annie time for some self reflection. You've come at this from an extremely bizarre attitude and a somewhat concerning one. Says a lot about how your brain processes things.

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MammaTJ · 09/03/2018 22:37

My StD moved in with me and her Dad because she had had sex with someone other than her BF and her Mum slapped her when she found out.

She was 15.

She was not allowed to have sex under our roof until 16. She was then allowed to have her BF who she had been with for more than 6 months to stay over. She was told she could not have anyone over until another 6 months had passed until the last time he stayed. I had a 5 year old DD to think of. She was told she could sleep with who she liked elsewhere as long as she was sensible about it.

DD, she moved out at 14, in with their Dad, who had left a few years before. She phoned me up on day and said I had to 'sort me out with contraception as Dad is worried that I will come home from all these parties I go to pissed, pregnant'. So, he was prepared to take her in, but not prepared to take actual responsibility, for either preventing her from going to parties and getting drunk or getting pregnant if she did So. I took her to the GP and got her on the contraceptive injection, took her to every appointment after that. She did not actually have sex until she met the man who is now her husband, age 16. So, this has not been an issue.

I have a 12 year old DD and an 11 year old DS and I imagine the rules will be similar for both of them, along the lines of the rules for St D.

Kind of the same rules I might have for myself (although my rules would probably be stricter) if I split from DP (their Dad).

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 09/03/2018 22:37

Personally I don’t want my sons to have lots of sex with different woman, however at the same time I don’t want them to be embarrassed about sex or even having sex, but alsonas as a parent I also don’t want to know a about my children’s sex lives, as I’m absoulte sure they don’t want to hear about ours.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/03/2018 22:38

...never expected people to be so damn rude. I'm really shocked.

Really? I am shocked that a 26yo Mnetter and student of psychology is displaying such a lack of awareness.

Ragusa · 09/03/2018 22:38

Why are people being sniffy about the degree? It's a perfectly normal degree that usually involves gender studies and psychology modules.

Ragusa · 09/03/2018 22:40

And to answer your question, I hope my DD has as much safe consensual sex as she wants, once she is ready, because it's free and fun and life affirming. Ditto my son.

DailySnailEatsMails · 09/03/2018 22:41

I bet Reddit is a good place for this kind of discussion.

NotTheFordType · 09/03/2018 22:41

God I fucking love this website.

Original poster
emberflames · 09/03/2018 22:42

Dione what lack of awareness am I showing ? Lack of awareness of how mumsnet works? Perhaps you're right. I've not been here long. My eyes have definitely even opened. It's a shame to discover there's such censorship here.

OP posts:
Original poster
emberflames · 09/03/2018 22:43

Dailysnail perhaps. Or maybe the feminist board on here. Certainly not AIBU. Lesson learnt.

OP posts:
ThreeFish · 09/03/2018 22:46

Censorship? Nope. Wrong word. 😄

LLO7 · 09/03/2018 22:48

I slept around a lot as a young teen- I am now 22 and got together with my partner when we were 16. I am the 3rd person he's slept with, and he was my 12th! Not a lot to some but considering we were only just of age a few months before, it wasn't great. I had a reputation in college before we got together, in fact when we met I had a huge love bite on my neck from sleeping with one of his brothers friends a week before Blush
But no one really shamed me for it as I was confident in my choices, didn't brag, and didn't sleep with anyone who was in a relationship.
My mum had an idea of it all so she made sure I was taking the pill, and got me a 'condom card' for the local sexual health clinic- other than that it wasn't spoken about but she certainly wasn't a 'prude' about it.
Now I am pregnant with my second child with my partner, and kind of happy I experienced that mad sleeping around and partying before we settled down so early together!

Custardo · 09/03/2018 22:49

genuinely don't care if my sons and daughters fuck a football team, as long as both parties are consenting and safe

not sure what the problem is here - sounds a bit 1970's girls shouldn't sleep around with dirty boys to me. fuck that shit, if you dont want to slee around boy or girl fine. if you do fine. its just sex, whats the shame here? what troubles me is when the conversation focuses on grls - like girls who dont sleep around are 'good' girls - therefore those who ont are bad - but boys who sleeep around whooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaah get in! get your dick wet, go on lad.

no its 2018 for fucks sake - equality to shag or not to shag a consentual adult of the same or oposite sx - no shame involved.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/03/2018 22:49

You seem to lack awareness of MNet, AIBU, your subject matter and what the word "censorship" means.

Original poster
emberflames · 09/03/2018 22:49

Threefish well clearly there is. People don't want certain things discussed. That's become very obvious on this thread.

I'm suspended by how deliberately obtuse many are being. I couldn't give a dam about my daughter's sex life either. that isn't what this is about. It's about other people's attitudes towards it and how to deal with potential issues teenagers can face and how as a parent you deal with that and approach your kids about it. There's been a few disgusting suggestions on here basically implying that I'm some creep who wants to know about teenagers sex lives which I really think says a lot more about their warped minds than my own as this very clearly is not what my op is about.

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Birdsgottafly · 09/03/2018 22:50

Watch "Sea, sand and suspicious Parents", The parents of the lads laugh at their antics whilst saying how sorry they are for the parents of the Young Women , who are behaving much better than the lads. They often go as far as saying that they would feel ashamed, if that was their Daughter.

Some parents hold sexist views and expect their Children to uphold them. Others don't want any harm to come to their children, so want them to behave in a way that can't be criticised, even if it means that their children aren't true to themselves.

The negativity that Women who are very sexually active and don't want a relationship, face, is generally linked to everyday sexism.

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