SIL jealous of my relationship with DM

[Winosaurus]

My SIL seems to really resent me and my children spending time with my DM. She’s close with her own DM and my mum babysits her son (my nephew) a lot so I’m not sure why she has such an issue with me?
She’s complained to my DB that she thinks my mum puts us first - she doesn’t but it is true I spend more time with her because I often invite my mum for dinner or to do things with me and my DCs. My dad died a few years ago and I’m a single parent so Mum and I spend quite a bit of time with each other for company more than anything.

My DM just doesn’t really get invited over to DB and SIL’s house very often but she pops in a couple of times a week to say hi but they don’t really make much of an effort with her. When my dad died my DB left me to pick up the pieces with Mum because he couldn’t cope with his own grief. I looked after her and we’ve always been good friends so it’s just continued that she’ll turn to me for emotional support.

Because of this though I feel I’m being punished by SIL. If she hears that I’ve popped by to see my mum or she’s called in to mine she gets really huffy and angry about it... even if my mum had been at their house first then called into mine afterwards (we all live very close together). It’s really upsetting me.
DM regularly invites just DB and SIL for dinner on their own and it doesn’t bother me at all, so I’m not sure why SIL takes such offence to me spending time with DM?
I’ve been poorly all week but yesterday I was so ill I went to the GP and got antibiotics and ended up staying at my DM’s for the night so she could help with DCs as I really wasn’t up to it.

DM is having my nephew this afternoon and picking my DCs up from school so I can rest. I spoke to DB this morning about something unrelated and told him I was poorly - he’d had the same illness last week and he was really sympathetic “get better soon” etc.

A few mins later DM’s iPad rings and it’s SIL crying and shouting down the phone at my mum saying how she puts me first and I need to be out of the house before she gets there with my nephew. DM thinks I’m still asleep at this point and doesn’t know I can hear it... DM says don’t worry as I’m asleep in the back bedroom and she’s taking DN out for the afternoon anyway so I’m not going to be near him. Also pointed out that DB had it last week and DN was fine, as are my own DCs who couldn’t avoid spending time with me.

But that wasn’t good enough for her... she said unless I left then my DM wouldn’t get to look after her grandson. I could hear DM was quite upset so I said I’d leave to save any upset.
I’ve gone home - probably shouldn’t have driven considering how ill I am and now I’m lying on my bed in floods of tears wondering how I’m going to pick the DCs up from school and look after them later.

WIBU to expect to be able to stay in the bedroom at my mum’s whilst my nephew was there?

Your mother could have said no to having the nephew though, could have said that she'd have to rearrange today.

That is seriously out of order, I'd be having words and telling her to wind her neck in, AND make your bro & mum do so too.

You poor thing. Can your DM still collect your children from school and look after them this evening?

Leave tackling your SIL until your feeling better. I would then contact you DB and explain what happened and tell him that I expect him to read her the riot act - her behaviour is totally inappropriate and she's going the right away about causing a family rift of her own making. Threatening your DM with not seeing her grandson is beyond the pale and your DB needs to know this is happening. I would also have a chat with your Mum and explain how SIL is making you feel.

Hope you feel better soon.

your sil needs to be told by all threeyou of to mind her own fucking business. Your mother should have said "Fine, you don't dictate who comes to my house or when they leave, see you next time" your brother needs to tell her you djoe some respect and if I were you I would tell her she better not dare to call your mother and shout at her again ever, tell her wind her jealous neck in, she has her own mother and your relationship with yours has fuck all to fo with her

Sorry for all the typos

She couldn’t rearrange as SIL is attending a friend’s relative’s funeral.
Plus I think my DM is a bit scared to upset SIL as she has form for kicking off about things and then restricting contact with DN.
She has implied to my DB that we don’t bother with DN which isn’t true. He works long hours / weekends so we have to ask SIL if we want to see DN. For example my DM rang my DB last week and asked if they’d come to dinner as she’s missing DN and DB snapped at her and said “Well you could make an effort and come to see him”... he was genuinely oblivious to the fact that DM had contacted SIL twice last week asking if she could by and she was busy both times, which is perfectly fine but SIL then obviously making out to DB that no one bothers with DN? It’s very odd?

Bloody hell she sounds like a dick. Someone need to tell her to shut the fuck up and how much time you spend with your own mother is none of her business

You all need to start editing the information you give to your SIL. She doesn’t need to keep now who visited you or when. She doesn’t need to know if you visited your Mum.

And your DB doesn’t need to be passing on her moans to the rest of you.

If this isn't nipped in the bud now then it will get worse and your dm will only get more scared to upset her, these things escalate. I know a few mil's who put up with awful shit in case the Dil kicks off and they don't see the grandchildren, if it's stopped from the start the sil will have to choice but to stop, she does it because she gets away with it

I think the 4 of you need to sit down and talk together .... your DB needs to hear some home truths. He’s only hearing one side of the story.

Your DM needs to talk to your Db. And he needs to talk to SIL. you should not have left your mothers house. You are ill. Don’t be a martyr!

Is it wrong that I see my mum a lot? We’re both dating but don’t live with our DP’s so we have a lot of free time. I just love being with my DM she’s my best friend and it’s so nice having another adult there to help sometimes.
She adores all of her grandchildren.

We had another situation a few weeks back where DM picked my youngest up from pre-school so I could go to parents evening with my older child. The next day DB rang my DM asking if she could have DN because SIL is going to the hairdressers... DM couldn’t because she had other plans but said if she could rearrange the appointment she could have him any other day that week. Again SIL kicked off... apparently DM can help me but not her.
But I had asked DM 2 weeks in advance so she didn’t make plans for that day, I didn’t call her 3 hours before and demand childcare.
It’s give and take surely? Why is SIL being so stroppy about it?

DB and I used to be very close but I feel a wedge is being driven between us. He sometimes pops into mine after work for a cup of tea and to see my DCs but she never comes... I’ve often wondered if she doesn’t know he does this? Maybe he doesn’t tell her?
I just don’t think SIL likes me for whatever reason. I want to be her friend and for us all to get along but today has really hurt me

Your DB needs to put his foot down, man up and confront your SIL.

@Thistlebell without being too outing my DB/SIL and I live on the same road and my DM’s car is quite distinctive (big 4x4 type) so they can easily see if she’s at my house.
But she rarely calls into mine without having been to their house first. She’s very conscious about making it “fair” because of SIL’s behaviour

She is batshit.

Your relationship with your mother is nothing to do with her. Someone needs to look her in the eye and tell her that your mother actually does love you more than she loves her son's wife. What a shocker.

I'd calm down and then have a chat with your brother. Tell him that it is completely unreasonable for his wife to want to manage and limit your relationship with your mother and you won't be tolerating it - if that means a fight with her so be it.

A few mins later DM’s iPad rings and it’s SIL crying and shouting down the phone at my mum saying how she puts me first and I need to be out of the house before she gets there with my nephew.
Honestly, your mother should just have laughed at her. Or asked her if she was feeling quite well herself. In my experience, people get away with this kind of batshit, self-centered behaviour because the rest of us are too nice to call them on it. She is continuing to be a nutjob because it is getting results - you left - she got to control you and your mum.

Agree with pp too - don't tell her what you are doing.

Is it wrong that I see my mum a lot? We’re both dating but don’t live with our DP’s so we have a lot of free time. I just love being with my DM she’s my best friend and it’s so nice having another adult there to help sometimes.

Why are you even asking this question, of course there's nothing wrong with that and of course you and your mother will always be much closer than your DM and your SiL. She's an idiot

You are doing nothing wrong by seeing your mam seven days a week if you are both happy with that. Your mum sounds lovely and fair, honestly you need to sit down with your brother, give him examples and tell him sort it fast because you are not going to stop seeing your mother as much and your mother should not get abused for it

Another recent kick off was about a day out I booked for my DCs and I asked my DM if she’d like to come - truth is it was a theme park and it can be a bit of a handful on my own with two small DCs and I’m glad to have the adult company. DM put a pic on FB of the DCs from our day out and within 5 mins was getting narky messages from her about how DM never takes DN to theme parks etc. Firstly I paid and invited DM to come (as my helper to be truthful) and secondly DN is 2 years old

Pallisers is right, it's a control thing, she kicked off treated your mother awfully, your mother pandered, you left, she got what she wanted, why would she not keep treating your mother like shit? It gets results

Your SIL's behaviour is unreasonable and unacceptable. Your DM and DB need to deal with her, together.

Your DM needs to make it clear in no uncertain terms that who she has at her house and when is nobody’s business but her’s, and that with regard to her threatening access to her grandchild, he is her son’s child as well as her’s so she doesn’t get to call the shots on that one.

Added to which, your brother needs to be told the truth about his wife, and to be honest I might go so far as to record one of these instances where she kicks off screaming and shouting and play it back to him, because clearly he’s either not being told the whole story by her, or he’s actually in an emotionally abusive relationship and should be considering his options at this point.

As for your DM doing as SIL says, tbh I don’t have much time for these yes people who do as they’re told when they’re told for fear of this and that. People need to learn to stick up for themselves not pander to people who claim to have some kind of power over them.... Your DM needs to take control here. She’s managed to bring up two children of her own, she should be able to take control of her own life and look after whoever’s child she wants and spend time with whoever she wants.

Oh and I would go back there now, knock on the door and tell her that you’ve all come for a little visit/play date. But then I am a bitch and have no time for histrionics. .

But why is she doing it? What is the point of being jealous of me loving my Mum when she has her own Mum who she sees a lot?
She has 3 brothers and spends lots of time with them and her mum and dad. So it’s not like she wants a close relationship with my mum because she’s without it herself?
My DCs adore their cousin and we actually moved house to be closer to them, not why we moved but why I picked this house - thinking this might improve things if we could have DN popping over for dinner sometimes or for sleepovers.
But in 18 months of living here I think SIL has only been in my house 3 or 4 times.
I sent her a text asking if we could come over after school and see them and her reply was “I’ll drop him to you then DB will pick him up on his way home from work”. So she doesn’t want any sort of friendship with me then?

She is batshit and her behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud before it escalates. Does she tend to get her own way at all time with her own DPs?

I thought most folk would have enough sense to realise the DM:DD bond when good is very strong & dare I say, sacrosanct. Such strong ties strengthens families up & down the generations, it’d be daft, & poor familial strategy, to meddle with this.

Does she treat her own DM this way? Is she is a competitive thrash with siblings?

I’m surprised yr DM is going along with this. She does need to stand her ground with your DB who turn passes this on to yr SIL, before the situation becomes heated &/or dire. Seemingly SIL has empathy deficit about bereavement in family & your mum looking after you. Maybe she does not get maternal nurturing or enough mother love?

Whatever the psychodynamics (on a roll here), SIL is unreasonable & bang out of order (she’s goin’ dahn).

As you & your mum are close, can you open this subject up for sensible discussion? It really is not on that She has to account for her own DD being in her own home at any time.

I assume as she’s so touchy & unreasonable, that she does not have. GSOH, otherwise I’d suggest some gentle mockery to shift the balance.

Hope you get well soon.