SIL jealous of my relationship with DM

[Winosaurus]

My SIL seems to really resent me and my children spending time with my DM. She’s close with her own DM and my mum babysits her son (my nephew) a lot so I’m not sure why she has such an issue with me?
She’s complained to my DB that she thinks my mum puts us first - she doesn’t but it is true I spend more time with her because I often invite my mum for dinner or to do things with me and my DCs. My dad died a few years ago and I’m a single parent so Mum and I spend quite a bit of time with each other for company more than anything.

My DM just doesn’t really get invited over to DB and SIL’s house very often but she pops in a couple of times a week to say hi but they don’t really make much of an effort with her. When my dad died my DB left me to pick up the pieces with Mum because he couldn’t cope with his own grief. I looked after her and we’ve always been good friends so it’s just continued that she’ll turn to me for emotional support.

Because of this though I feel I’m being punished by SIL. If she hears that I’ve popped by to see my mum or she’s called in to mine she gets really huffy and angry about it... even if my mum had been at their house first then called into mine afterwards (we all live very close together). It’s really upsetting me.
DM regularly invites just DB and SIL for dinner on their own and it doesn’t bother me at all, so I’m not sure why SIL takes such offence to me spending time with DM?
I’ve been poorly all week but yesterday I was so ill I went to the GP and got antibiotics and ended up staying at my DM’s for the night so she could help with DCs as I really wasn’t up to it.

DM is having my nephew this afternoon and picking my DCs up from school so I can rest. I spoke to DB this morning about something unrelated and told him I was poorly - he’d had the same illness last week and he was really sympathetic “get better soon” etc.

A few mins later DM’s iPad rings and it’s SIL crying and shouting down the phone at my mum saying how she puts me first and I need to be out of the house before she gets there with my nephew. DM thinks I’m still asleep at this point and doesn’t know I can hear it... DM says don’t worry as I’m asleep in the back bedroom and she’s taking DN out for the afternoon anyway so I’m not going to be near him. Also pointed out that DB had it last week and DN was fine, as are my own DCs who couldn’t avoid spending time with me.

But that wasn’t good enough for her... she said unless I left then my DM wouldn’t get to look after her grandson. I could hear DM was quite upset so I said I’d leave to save any upset.
I’ve gone home - probably shouldn’t have driven considering how ill I am and now I’m lying on my bed in floods of tears wondering how I’m going to pick the DCs up from school and look after them later.

WIBU to expect to be able to stay in the bedroom at my mum’s whilst my nephew was there?

No advice but she sounds seriously unhinged.
But you are entitled to see your dm every single day if you so wish. Fuck all to do with db or sil.

So she grew up as the only girl in a house with 3 boys? Has she always been treated a bit like the 'special princess' at home and got her own way?

Both you and your mum need to tell both you DB and SIL to knock it off that as much as you both like looking / spending time with their child they need to stop this childish behaviour that it is not a competition as to your mum spends her time with. Your mum should also point that she doesn't demand to see GC every time SIL sees her parents.

Or you could do what I did when my DB got divorced and his Ex starting ringing my mum's land line at stupid o'clock in the morning to rant and rave. I told her if she didn't stop I would ring her parents every time she rang. It only took a couple of times of me ringing her parents after she woke us up for it to stop.

So every time she spends time with her parents your mum should ring DB and demand the same time as SIL spent with her mum.

This sounds crazy, and it's something you should all have stamped on ages ago. It's getting out of control because no-one is standing up to her. Your DM would be the best person to do it. And your DN will used as a tool for emotional blackmail, no getting around that. Honestly I'd sooner lose access to a nephew than have to sneak around every time you see your DM.

Your brother is an asshole, married to an asshole. He should be putting his wife in line but instead he's enabling her wretched behaviour. Stop concerning as to why she's such a bitch. That's her problem. I would go NC immediately.

But why is she doing it? What is the point of being jealous of me loving my Mum when she has her own Mum who she sees a lot?
She has 3 brothers and spends lots of time with them and her mum and dad. So it’s not like she wants a close relationship with my mum because she’s without it herself?

Perhaps she's always been the centre of attention in her family, and expects to be the centre of yours too?

Your SIL is obviously behaving really badly.

When I’ve seen posts like this from the other POV the SIL is usually annoyed that their child is being sidelined rather than themselves.

I notice from your OP that your mother seems to help you out a lot with your children. By contrast she contacted your SIL about a time which was suitable for her. Perhaps she felt a bit frustrated that when DM was seeing DN it turned instead into an occasion where she was helping you out and DN was being sidelined by his cousins?

That doesn’t excuse how she has behaved. But maybe she feels that DM sees your children regularly as she gives you lots of support, and instead sees DN only when convenient for her and even then often not on his own where he gets her attention.

Maybe your MIL could offer an olive branch by seeing if there are times she could look after DN that would be helpful for them and making an effort to give him some one on one attention? But by return she should make it very clear that the rest of the time how she chooses to spend her time and who she is with is not SILs concern.

To me it sounds like she resents your dm childminding for you and wants to "reserve" this service for herself as and when she demands. She needs her child to be no. 1. She tries to manipulate your dm by threatening to stop her seeing her grandchild and there is the implied threat that your db could limit contact with his own family. Whilst he needs to man up totally, I bet she gives him real grief. I think your db is visiting your dm without sil's knowledge.

Why is she trying to cut off your db from his family when she has a close relationship with her own family? Is she an only child who is used to getting her own way?

Crying and shouting at your dm is absolutely unacceptable. She is trying to dictate the relationship she has with her own daughter. I think your dm has been weak on this occasion and you have every right to feel disappointed and upset with her as well.

If you don't all put your foot down soon, she will cut off your db from his family to exert her authority and control. However bear in mind that when you put your foot down, she will use this as an excuse to justify her behaviour. Either way you cannot win. Why should you be deprived of help and support from your own mother.

I hope you feel better soon - don't tackle this until you do.

Does it really matter why? Don't bother spending time analysing it just get it stopped

Ugh I've seen this kind of petty jealousy tear up my own family and unfortunately you just can't reason with people like that. If they won't take responsibility for their poor behaviour and learn to reel it in, when confronted about it then there's no hope. If I had to guess this is more about who the "favourite" child and grandchild of your mother is then being about her relationship with your mother vs yours.

I had almost no relationship with my paternal grandfather because his third wife was insanely jealous of my sister and me. We were only a few years older than their two sons and even though she was aware of us and our family situation prior to her marriage she still couldn't get a grip. All she could see from her POV was that we the great-grandchildren who lived within walking distance of our paternal great-grandparents were favoured over the grandchildren who lived 1,500 miles away because we spent more time with them.

How anyone can be jealous of a child I'll never understand but that's the problem with jealousy is it's irrational as fuck. All attempts to fix that situation failed because she refused to see herself and her actions for what they were, which is why I don't believe there's hope for your SIL unless she can admit she has a problem.

Maybe a conversation between you, her, your brother, and mother without the kids around, might work. She might blow you off but at least you'll have tried.

With three brothers, is she one of the boys or is her girlchild\DN status well established & celebrated in her own family?

When you say close to her family, is that an emotional closeness or a hugga-muggy-all-in-together proximity?

I ask as she may not have had as much maternal nurturing as you assume - being one of four - & the relationship that you & yr DB have with yr DM may stoke insecurities & resentments in her that are possibly not quite on her radar.

Yr DM does need to assert her boundaries here, possibly something she’s not had to do since you & DB were small children competing for yr attention.

Your SIL’s tantrums are not acceptable behaviours.

@Eltonjohnssyrup she does have DN regularly so DB and SIL can have date nights, days at the races, go to friends’ weddings.
Sometimes my DM wants all her grandchildren at the same time so she can enjoy having a big sleepover with them all. Sometimes she has just mine (rarely actually - much less often than DN) and sometimes just DN.
I had to point out to DB and SIL a few weeks back when yet another remark was made about DM spending time with my DCs that I am usually with them... DM rarely has my kids without me being there. If we stay we all go together so I can see DM too, it’s not like I’m ditching them there and going out. I put them to bed and do all things I do at my own house with DCs but then when they’re in bed DM and I will watch a film and drink wine and chat. I love those days and I won’t stop doing that to appease SIL.

I’m moving in with my DM after the summer because I’m going back to university and I’m dreading the fall out from it already. I can’t afford to study and pay rent at the same time so DM has kindly offered to house us for a year and I’ll pay our bills.
SIL is already making remarks about me “being spoiled”... bearing in mind all I want to do is increase my potential to earn money so I can buy a house, DB and SIL are employed by DM’s (and late DF’s) family business and paid a fortune. I missed the boat with the employment opportunity there as I was raising DCs.

Or you could do what I did when my DB got divorced and his Ex starting ringing my mum's land line at stupid o'clock in the morning to rant and rave. I told her if she didn't stop I would ring her parents every time she rang. It only took a couple of times of me ringing her parents after she woke us up for it to stop.

Inspired...

This needs to all come out in the open and talked about together all four of you and noone should be catering to bad behavior and tantrums.

Don't let anyone else dictate what happens in a happy relationship such as that between you and your mum.

Show your brother this thread.
He needs to have words with his wife and your mum needs to stop caving in to your SILs bullying behaviour.
Because, if she always gets what she wants why would she stop??
And, she needs to be told that your mother loves her daughter more than she loves her daughter in law and this is NORMAL. Although, why your SIL experts anybody to even like her with this atrocious behaviour is beyond me.
But be careful.....bullying manipulative bitches like this split up families. One managed with mine 🙁

This needs a coordinated response from you, DM and (preferably) DB, although that will be trickier as he will have divided loyalty. At the very least you and DM need to discuss SIL's behaviour and agree a strategy to deal with it between you, and you most definitely need to stop questioning whether you are 'doing anything wrong' by spending time together.

I would speak to DB first, ideally with DM there too. Tell him how upsetting you're finding SIL's behaviour and point out that it's not ok that she rings you or DM shouting and kicking off, regardless of her feelings of perceived unfairness. I don't think it would hurt to point out that you and DM lean on each other for company and support in the same way that he and SIL have each other to lean on either, they both need to realise there's a difference when you don't have a live in partner to share things with. I would be aiming for some sort of reassurance from DB that he will facilitate contact with DN if SIL uses that as a threat so DM will hopefully feel more able to stand up for herself.

Then you and DM need to agree a way to deal with future incidents, I would suggest a sort of 'grey rock' response to SIL kicking off if you can manage it. Neither of you needs to or should be apologising or explaining yourselves for spending time together and SIL is clearly looking for a reaction when she kicks off so not giving her one may well take the wind out of her sails. Both you and DM need to adopt the attitude that you're not doing anything wrong (you're not) and react accordingly so no more apologies, explanations or pandering to SIL's histrionics. It sounds like she thrives on the drama so I would be denying her the opportunity to create one.

OP just read your posts about DB and SILs jobs. Sounds like she has never had to struggle but is constantly comparing herself to others and is ready to criticize. Why on earth would she resent you living with your Mum? She sounds very resentful and controlling.

I tried to talk to her once last year after she refused to let my DS go anywhere near my DN because he was too boisterous. It was causing a rift because again she was saying DM couldn’t babysit DN if my DS was there. There’s only 13 months difference in age between then and DN is bigger than my DS so not a tiny, fragile child. She told me to “get the fuck out of her house”.
DB wasn’t there so by the time I spoke to him she had embellished what happened and accused me of verbally attacking her... forgetting my 7yo DD witnessed it from the living room and was able to tell her uncle what happened.
I went NC for a month or so but my DB was so upset it ended up getting brushed under the carpet

God she sounds like a right pain in the arse. Tell her to grow up and stop being a dick......also count your lucky stars you aren't the one living with princess knobhead.

I don't like confrontation but I'd lose the plot if my sil spoke to my parents like that. You need to put your foot down now.

This is so out of order. She's YOUR MUM!! Your SiL has her own mum, she can't have yours too. Your mum is your flesh and blood! Does her mum bother with you?

It sounds like your Mum has been really lovely by including her DiL in her life. Your SiL is repaying this loveliness by making her life difficult. I think you both need to make a little distance between her and yourselves and make it very clear that as her natural daughter you will always come first. That is as it should be.

I’m moving in with my DM after the summer because I’m going back to university

Good for you.

SIL’s attitude needs to change now.
Any ongoing sniping, rancour or attempts to undermine or sabotage your living with DM or your studying is unacceptable.

Would you be thinking of working in the family firm?

Is yr SIL a partner in the firm? Would you be thinking of joining the firm once you have qualified? Would this do her head in? Might you tease/torment her with this idea?

Remarkable that she’s dishing out demands & ultimatums to yr DM who is her boss!

Imagine she’s a joy to work with...

DB and SIL are employed by DM’s (and late DF’s) family business
I wonder if this has any bearing? It may be that working for the family business means she thinks she 'owns' your mum now.

I think part of the problem is that her own DM commits to having DN every Saturday night and my DM won’t commit to regular childcare. My DM was widowed at 48 and wanted to travel etc so I’ve never relied on her for childcare either. She’s great if it’s things like “can you have DCs for an hour a week on Tuesday whilst I pop to the bank” but she couldn’t commit to set days every week. She took early retirement (hence DB and SIL’s involvement in family business) and is now dating again so she wants to keep her weekends free sometimes.
My kids were in nursery after maternity leave finished but I think SIL resents having to pay for childcare. She thinks DM should be doing more to help out in that respect but I don’t think that’s right. She’s still trying to rebuild her life after my dad died and hoping now (after 7 years) to date - another thing SIL disagrees with. She’s quite vocal about how she thinks it’s wrong to date if your spouse dies