SIL jealous of my relationship with DM

[Winosaurus]

My SIL seems to really resent me and my children spending time with my DM. She’s close with her own DM and my mum babysits her son (my nephew) a lot so I’m not sure why she has such an issue with me?
She’s complained to my DB that she thinks my mum puts us first - she doesn’t but it is true I spend more time with her because I often invite my mum for dinner or to do things with me and my DCs. My dad died a few years ago and I’m a single parent so Mum and I spend quite a bit of time with each other for company more than anything.

My DM just doesn’t really get invited over to DB and SIL’s house very often but she pops in a couple of times a week to say hi but they don’t really make much of an effort with her. When my dad died my DB left me to pick up the pieces with Mum because he couldn’t cope with his own grief. I looked after her and we’ve always been good friends so it’s just continued that she’ll turn to me for emotional support.

Because of this though I feel I’m being punished by SIL. If she hears that I’ve popped by to see my mum or she’s called in to mine she gets really huffy and angry about it... even if my mum had been at their house first then called into mine afterwards (we all live very close together). It’s really upsetting me.
DM regularly invites just DB and SIL for dinner on their own and it doesn’t bother me at all, so I’m not sure why SIL takes such offence to me spending time with DM?
I’ve been poorly all week but yesterday I was so ill I went to the GP and got antibiotics and ended up staying at my DM’s for the night so she could help with DCs as I really wasn’t up to it.

DM is having my nephew this afternoon and picking my DCs up from school so I can rest. I spoke to DB this morning about something unrelated and told him I was poorly - he’d had the same illness last week and he was really sympathetic “get better soon” etc.

A few mins later DM’s iPad rings and it’s SIL crying and shouting down the phone at my mum saying how she puts me first and I need to be out of the house before she gets there with my nephew. DM thinks I’m still asleep at this point and doesn’t know I can hear it... DM says don’t worry as I’m asleep in the back bedroom and she’s taking DN out for the afternoon anyway so I’m not going to be near him. Also pointed out that DB had it last week and DN was fine, as are my own DCs who couldn’t avoid spending time with me.

But that wasn’t good enough for her... she said unless I left then my DM wouldn’t get to look after her grandson. I could hear DM was quite upset so I said I’d leave to save any upset.
I’ve gone home - probably shouldn’t have driven considering how ill I am and now I’m lying on my bed in floods of tears wondering how I’m going to pick the DCs up from school and look after them later.

WIBU to expect to be able to stay in the bedroom at my mum’s whilst my nephew was there?

@Univeralaunt I couldn’t join the family business even if I wanted to because it involves night and weekend work and I don’t have the support network with DCs to be able to do this. My mum is literally all I have with regards to help with the kids.

I think you need to be a bit firmer with her yourself, and I'm speaking in relation to this point in your recent post:
I sent her a text asking if we could come over after school and see them and her reply was “I’ll drop him to you then DB will pick him up on his way home from work”. So she doesn’t want any sort of friendship with me then?
I would have responded to that "Oh, I thought we could have a chat and a cuppa while the children played together. I wasn't offering babysitting services to you" (or something perhaps a little less harsh but that gets the same point across).

I think you need to chat with your DB again about how things are working between you all as a family and how this is affecting things.

She's a cheeky cow, and needs to be confronted. One piece of advice I'd give, is that you all need to be together to talk about it. If you speak to her alone, she'll change what she tells your DB. The only way to get to the truth is for all four of you to be in the room at the same time.

@Jaxhog yep I think you may be right there. She feels like the business is now hers and my DB’s... seeming to forget it had been running for 25+yrs before she met my DB. It is very lucrative and they get paid way more than the standard rate for their jobs. So I can’t see why she’s so resentful of me who struggles at times to make ends meet?

^She told me to “get the fuck out of her house”.
DB wasn’t there so by the time I spoke to him she had embellished what happened and accused me of verbally attacking her... forgetting my 7yo DD witnessed it from the living room and was able to tell her uncle what happened.
I went NC for a month or so but my DB was so upset it ended up getting brushed under the carpet^

Whoa!
Did you go NC with DB or just SIL?
I have a slew of questions to ask (rollin’, rollin’ rollin’) but it seems that your DB & SIL are somehow stuck in their marriage, work & lives & their distress is leaking as aggression & upsets.

You & your DM each need to draw strong boundaries each & around your DM:DD relationship.

Step back from DB & SIL dramas, they are leaking & toxic. It may help if SIL & maybe DB work elsewhere, these are life decisions people often have to make. Maybe they are stiff led by living & working so closely with family?

Also, it may now be the time to acknowledge that not all families are happy together, sometimes cousins do not know each other, not all grandchildren can be brought together & it is not always best to live close to each other.

I'm guessing that the SIL might have a very different view of the situation, and her op might be along the lines of "my MIL favours her grandkids from her daughter and neglects mine, and spends all her time with her daughter while neither of them have time for me".

Or maybe she's just nuts. I don't know. There is something in OPs posts that read as a little disingeneous and fudging though.

Is there any chance of you or DM moving to live with DPs?
Her jealousy is v unreasonable if she’s already seeing lots of her own family. She had no sisters maybe she expects special attention.
Might she have another DC? Am wondering if the situation will change which might solve the problem. DM needs to decide if she can live with SIL keeping DN from her -if you move in that might happen. Also a discussion with DB about you moving in and your and DMs fears about that. All you can do is try to build bridges but there’s a high likelihood of it not working.

She’s quite vocal about how she thinks it’s wrong to date if your spouse dies

I think you have a massive future problem here. Your SIL's issues are nothing to do with how much time you and your children spend with your DM and everything to do with your SIL's (perceived) entitlement. I think your SIL is frightened of anyone else getting involved in the family business, in case she loses out. Just hope that your DB doesn't divorce this nasty manipulative piece of work, because depending on the structure of the business, he and your DM could well lose it. SIL feels that she 'owns' all of this, including your DM. You have a hard time ahead of you unless your DM puts her firmly in her place NOW.

Oh, and I meant to say that because

She’s quite vocal about how she thinks it’s wrong to date if your spouse dies

Is another indication that your dear SIL is concerned that your DM's business, and therefore money, will go to someone else should she remarry. This is about money, not relationships.

@Beanteam no I’m not ready to live with my DP, he has children too and I’m not rushing into a blended family situation just because SIL may not like me living with my DM for a year. Her and DB lived at my mum’s a few years ago for around 6 months whilst they saved to buy their current house so it shouldn’t be a problem to them, although I know it will be.
Also as I’ve said I’m a single parent and I can continue to claim tax credits whilst living with a parent which means I can contribute to the bills, if I lived with DP he would have to support us all and I’d have no means to pay my way which would be unfair when he has his own children to support.

@Tattycat my DM employs them, they have no claim on the actual business itself. No more than I can take over the company I work for. If DM dies I get an equal share in the profits of the business, my DB and SIL keeps their wages on top of that and I can’t force them to sell it because it’s their livelihood. They couldn’t fiddle the profits either as it’s a Ltd company and accounts are public. DM was very careful after DF died to ensure both DB and I would be fairly taken care of.
If they divorced SIL could only potentially take 1/2 of my brother’s share of the profits but he could also make her redundant. She couldn’t touch my half.

@blastomama you’re probably right, she most likely does feel like that but her view is most definitely distorted

she is a complete fruit loop, none of her business how much time you spend with your Mum or whether you live with her. Sorry you are going to have to say something next time she makes a nasty comment, don't pander to her or you'll have this for life. And as for her telling your Mum she can't date, what the hell!!!!!

Sounds like SIL is following the mumsnet textbook for how to treat a MIL.

@UniversalAunt they won’t work somewhere else because they are massively overpaid by industry standards and actually have to work very little. They’d be insane to leave! Plus my DM likes that she can trust them. Since my DF died by DB just took over his reins and I think that brought comfort to my DM.

I know not all families are close but ours really is. We’re a huge family of aunts, uncles and cousins who all love each other and see each other regularly. So it’s hurtful and strange to us that we don’t seem to have that relationship with SIL.

You poor thing, I hope you feel better soon. Your mum sounds lovely and from what you’ve said it seems like she tries to include both you and your brother and all of her grandchildren. Your sil sounds awful. Clearly your mum is trying her hardest with her and she’s taking it too far. You really should say something now. You dont have to do it angrily, just ask your sil where it stems from and highlight what your mum does for her and for you. Ifind it very odd that she’s against her son mingling with your children, surely cousins should spend time together regardless of what’s going on with parents?
However I must admit that having been on the other side of the story (my mil definitely does favour my sil to my dh, never visits unless she’s invited and we are cooking tea, and drops my kids to look after my sils kids), so if your sil feels like I do I can see why she’d flip and lose it!

Firstly, you are doing nothing wrong in having a close relationship with your Mum and you should never adjust that to appease you SiL. It is absolutely none of her business. Secondly, it sounds like she has expectations of her relationship with your mother that aren't being met, and that is making her act jealously. Do you think your mother, brother and her could sit down and talk it through? I think boundaries need to be put in place here and her expectations need to be curtailed.

She has no interest in a relationship with either of you by the looks of things. She wants a free babysitter and seems to think that grandparents should just step into that role, you get in the way of that in her eyes. If your mum is with you or your kids then she doesn't get her child looked after.

She's proven that she isn't interested in a relationship by some of your examples. I.e., not wanting to visit but being fine sending child when you invited them over or not making an effort when your mum visits.

Your SIL is nasty and selfish.

Of course you're closer to your own mother than she is. SHe has her own mother! But it doesn't mean she doesn't love her grandchildren any less.

Not only that, but SIL has two sets of parent(s) to turn to, by the sounds of it: your mother and her own parents. You have one, due to being a single parent, your own mother. Who is also feeling quite lonely due to the recent loss of her husband.

What a cow she to resent your seeing your own mother and spending time with her.

She is completely out of order and your brother needs to pull her up on it, especially since your mother does see her family regularly and help out when she can.

@Ginkypig After I asked to see them and she said she would drop him here I actually sent her a text saying “Would be nice to see you too? X”
Which was ignored... so I really don’t think she wants to be my friend or have a relationship with us.
What could have been a nice half an hour after school visit ended up being me looking after DN for 2 hours whilst she went to the gym.
I babysit whenever they ask but they never babysit my children. They always say having the 3 children together is “too much” yet I’m happy to do it on my own and there’s 2 adults in their house!

On a happier note I managed to do the school run and I’m now back in bed. Takeaway ordered for the DCs and they’re watching a film together.

@BewareOfDragons I think he would stand up to her if he knew the extent of it but I’m reluctant to be the one to tell him because I don’t want to be accused of causing trouble.
DM needs to speak to him about it because he loves her so much I think he’ll listen to her. I think DB is just trying to have an easy life which ironically isn’t easy to do with SIL.

she's always been the centre of attention in her family, and expects to be the centre of yours too?

Agree Brendaumbrella she sounds like she’s been the little princess; the only girl among lots of brothers (not saying that’s how all women with lots of brothers turn out!) and the centre of everyone’s attention and she expects that to continue. Your DM and DB needs to stop enabling it.

It definitely sounds as though your SIL is jealous, and it's a difficult situation for your DB to deal with, but actually you and DM can just take no notice and just spend whatever time together you want to. As long as she isn't favouring your DCs over her DS, she really has nothing to complain about.

Your poor DM, she really is being caught in the middle of this.

Yes wino I thought as much, she for some reason just is not interested in a relationship or a friendship, it's a shame because she is missing out.

If I were in your situation I'd only be able to let it go on for so long before I'd tell her very clearly that my relationship with my mother had nothing to do with her and unless she wants a massive problem she'd better stop fucking commenting on it!
I'd also be telling my brother that she is treating me badly and it's going to blow up if she carries on her behaviour not so he can do anything but just to warn him that I'm losing patience.