SIL jealous of my relationship with DM

[Winosaurus]

My SIL seems to really resent me and my children spending time with my DM. She’s close with her own DM and my mum babysits her son (my nephew) a lot so I’m not sure why she has such an issue with me?
She’s complained to my DB that she thinks my mum puts us first - she doesn’t but it is true I spend more time with her because I often invite my mum for dinner or to do things with me and my DCs. My dad died a few years ago and I’m a single parent so Mum and I spend quite a bit of time with each other for company more than anything.

My DM just doesn’t really get invited over to DB and SIL’s house very often but she pops in a couple of times a week to say hi but they don’t really make much of an effort with her. When my dad died my DB left me to pick up the pieces with Mum because he couldn’t cope with his own grief. I looked after her and we’ve always been good friends so it’s just continued that she’ll turn to me for emotional support.

Because of this though I feel I’m being punished by SIL. If she hears that I’ve popped by to see my mum or she’s called in to mine she gets really huffy and angry about it... even if my mum had been at their house first then called into mine afterwards (we all live very close together). It’s really upsetting me.
DM regularly invites just DB and SIL for dinner on their own and it doesn’t bother me at all, so I’m not sure why SIL takes such offence to me spending time with DM?
I’ve been poorly all week but yesterday I was so ill I went to the GP and got antibiotics and ended up staying at my DM’s for the night so she could help with DCs as I really wasn’t up to it.

DM is having my nephew this afternoon and picking my DCs up from school so I can rest. I spoke to DB this morning about something unrelated and told him I was poorly - he’d had the same illness last week and he was really sympathetic “get better soon” etc.

A few mins later DM’s iPad rings and it’s SIL crying and shouting down the phone at my mum saying how she puts me first and I need to be out of the house before she gets there with my nephew. DM thinks I’m still asleep at this point and doesn’t know I can hear it... DM says don’t worry as I’m asleep in the back bedroom and she’s taking DN out for the afternoon anyway so I’m not going to be near him. Also pointed out that DB had it last week and DN was fine, as are my own DCs who couldn’t avoid spending time with me.

But that wasn’t good enough for her... she said unless I left then my DM wouldn’t get to look after her grandson. I could hear DM was quite upset so I said I’d leave to save any upset.
I’ve gone home - probably shouldn’t have driven considering how ill I am and now I’m lying on my bed in floods of tears wondering how I’m going to pick the DCs up from school and look after them later.

WIBU to expect to be able to stay in the bedroom at my mum’s whilst my nephew was there?

I think it's you need to note down over course of two weeks what's going on then have family meeting.

Make it surety your dm is on side and tell them catagorically it's non of sils business when you see your mum.

You would never ever dream of monitoring her contact with her mum and imagine how creepy it would be if you started to watch cars.. Complain etc.. Because hers relationship with her mum is non of your business.

I was the only girl amongst brothers and I'm not batshit nor am I a princess. That would've been stamped out before it even started with my family. There's no excuse for her behaviour.

Sounds like its time for a gentle (with adult witnesses) chat along the lines of "there seems to be some confusion SIL - x is MY mother, not yours, and you have no right to tell her when she can and cant spend time with her ONLY DAUGHTER".

I'm also a tiny bit cautious about the "its great how she can trust them, they took over the reins" - youve said you and your brother will be looked after and that youll get half the business - will he get the other half? I'd be uncomfortable leaving all the details of everything in his hands, therefore her hands - you may find theres been some accounting setup done where you dont get your share.

To all the posters saying that maybe the SIL feels pushed out etc etc etc I am firmly of the belief that for every “my mil is an evil witch” post we see on here there are as many if not more DILs who are just as bad if not worse.

If someone writes here that a mil has been screaming down the phone At their DIL or at their DS about their DIL posters believe them unquestioningly. Just because other people have experienced a MIL who favours one set of grandchildren over the others does not mean that this woman is in the same situation and it certainly doesn’t give anyone permission to scream at anyone else or make demands.

There doesn't seem to be a reason to her behaviour, that's just who she is.

She sounds horrific your brother needs to step in and tell her she is out of order I'm afraid I would go nc

I was the only girl amongst brothers and I'm not batshit nor am I a princess. That would've been stamped out before it even started with my family. There's no excuse for her behaviour.

But that doesn't mean that OP's SIL wasn't the "princess". I agree that it's no excuse though.

OP your mum (and possibly your brother) is being emotionally abused. You NEED to tell your brother about what is going on, especially what you witnessed today. You should not have gone home, and as everyone else has said, you and mum need to stop pandering to her.

How DARE she tell your mum who she can have in her own home! How DARE she order your mum about like that!

Stop trying to be friends with her, and get this sorted out. Oh and yes, I too would be very wary about them being in charge of the business. I'm sure if they wanted to do something dodgy, they would find a way to hide it. I hope your mum is still keeping an eye on the business.

How funny. One of my SIL’s is EXACTLY the same, or rather, was. We also have a family business set-up which can seem to muddy the waters but ultimately doesn’t. We also got comments like “I hate when she [ie me] visits [my parents’ house], everything becomes about her”.

In our case it was exactly what a pp said: she was the only daughter in her family, a princess, revered and treated with kid gloves. I saw this treatment myself once at first hand and was completely gobsmacked: she’s practically the head of that household, not because her parents are incompetent but because, well, I don’t know. And she just couldn’t adjust to being just one of many children- and children-in-law. My parents have been scrupulous about treating all of us fairly - which to this day my SIL refuses to accept doesn’t mean equally. I mean, it’s awful things: asking my mum to ensure that xyz jewelry of hers is given to her DDs in her will (!) conveniently forgetting my DM has a DD and a DGD by her, dictating when I could visit my parents with my children in case it upset her own plans. There’s more but if anyone I know reads this, I’m busted. Some of it would shock even the most robust MNer!

A number of years have passed since all this first kicked off. In the end, there was a crunch time about something totally unrelated, in which I baldly had to tell my DB that no, I don’t consider SIL to ever have my or my children’s best interests at heart because of all I’d been at the receiving end of for years. He was shocked and appalled - and took her side. He’s lovely but a bit of an idiot anyway: head in the sand, doesn’t want to deal with confrontation, refuses to accept his share of responsibility in all this etc etc. He has very much taken her side, and tbh I can’t blame him. She’s an excellent mother to his children and a good wife to him (apparently), I wouldn’t want it any other way. I’m just sad it had to come to this.

How has it resolved? We literally have nothing to do with each other. On the rare occasions we are together we totally ignore each other. It’s pathetic and awkward, but there’s no alternative when you’re dealing with someone like this. I’ve since learned that I’m not the only person who’s of this view of SIL, and it would appear that finally DB has had cause to make her check her behaviour around his parents/siblings.

The older I get, the more I’m of the view that once children marry and grandchildren appear, the healthiest thing all around is to keep a respectable but loving distance (unless you’re blessed with a trouble free family!!). You never know what goes on in people’s lives, marriages, careers, finances etc and nor should you really. Kindness, respect, distance. Seems to work in this little errant corner of our family.

Oh, and I’d be very very wary of getting comfortable re your half of the business being safe, or indeed your DM being cared for to the level you’d expect as she ages. People like our SILs have ways and means of ensuring that they ALWAYS come out tops. Don’t get too comfortable, I’m saying.

Also, in our case, my DM told me SIL in no uncertain terms that she was crazy I’d she thought she could get her way vis a vis the two of us. For reasons totally unrelated to her I often did things that ended up being what she was asking for, and let her believe she got her way, but no. My Mum firmly told her what was what, even though she’s normally the type to let things slide if it’s really no big deal, or to employ shuttle diplomacy to get two sides to run along nicely enough. This was a line she was quite firm about.

I think this is your DM problem to deal with really as you shouldn't really be affected by it. SILS batshit reactions are nothing to do with you.

However, I can see that SIL is making life difficult for your DM. She needs to call SILS bluff. It sounds like SIL needs her for childcare so I reckon her threats to limit access are bullshit.

I think both you and DM need to tell DB/SIL far far far less about your lives. That should help a bit. I would probably move if I could rather than have SIL twitching her bloody curtains at me

this is ridiculous and your SIL sounds insane

im rather blunt and would of said something earlier but appreciate some are not like that

i would seriously all get in a room together and thrash it out then their is no mis-understandings

My DM came and picked up my DCs who are going to stay at her house again. She said there’s no reason why she can’t have all 3 of them so I can rest. She really is a bloody angel! No wonder I love her so much ❤️

@Plumsofwrath that’s so incredibly sad. I really hope my situation doesn’t come to that

How DARE your SIL!! Who the hell does she think she is, telling your mum not to spend time with her own daughter??? She is YOUR mum. SIL is an in-law and has a mother of her own. Omg, seriously if somebody dared to even hint that I wasn't allowed to spend time with my own mother I wouldn't be responsible for my actions. I am completely outraged by this thread!!! Properly outraged. I get that your DM is worried about contact with her grandchildren being restricted but she can't possibly allow this behaviour, it's nuts. Your SIL needs a massive telling off, and your brother also needs to get involved I would say. Fucking hell. What is wrong with people.

I have two boys and a girl. Im trying to imagine in 15 or 20 years time when they're all settled that one of the boys' partners would try to tell me to spend less time with my dd. Fuck that.