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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that DH doesn't hear the baby cry?

96 replies

Bellamuerte · 08/03/2018 21:43

When the baby cries I wake up and look after him. DH sleeps right through it, he doesn't even hear the cries never mind the quiet grumbles or vomit noises. This means DH can't look after him to give me a night off because he wouldn't wake up if the baby needed attention. Every night I look after the baby on my own while DH sleeps.

DH claims it isn't his fault that he's a deep sleeper and doesn't hear the baby. He says you have no control over how deeply you sleep. I disagree - I think if you're looking after a baby you sleep lightly and you're listening for every noise.

AIBU to expect DH to be able to wake up when the baby needs attention?

OP posts:

sirlee66 · 08/03/2018 21:56

Why not wake your husband up (assuming you are sleeping next to each other) and then go straight back to sleep yourself?

goose1964 · 08/03/2018 21:58

My husband was like this, if he tried to do night feeds, I would have to wake him up (not easy at the best of times) and by the time I'd done that I would have got up and practically finished feeding. However he did plenty during the day and at weekends would get up with the children and give me a lie in.

I'm not sure if some men are just not programmed to respond to baby cries.

Makingworkwork · 08/03/2018 22:00

Wake your husband up! I respond to our toddler more quickly then DH, sometimes too quick as she can sometimes self settle durring the night. I have once been sleeping in the spare room and DH was sleeping with the toddler. When she cried I was in the room and holding her before DH woke up.

Pennywhistle · 08/03/2018 22:00

I’m not sure if any studies have been done on this but having our twins changed my sleeping forever.

I used to be a really deep sleeper but now the smallest sound wakes me (even though they are now ten years old.)

My DH certainly wasn’t woken by their crying in the same way I was and both their cots were in our room next to our bed.

They were regularly both screaming full blast and he’d be completely asleep.

It wasn’t lack of effort or interest on his part, he was always happy to be woken up if I needed assistance during the night. He has always been a very hands on Dad. Nights were primarily my job while they were babies because I was breastfeeding and not working.

I have often wondered if being “tuned in” to a baby’s cry is a change related to pregnancy.
I certainly don’t think you can just “choose” to sleep lightly.

If he offers to look after the baby why not just wake him up and then go back to sleep.

Skippetydoodah · 08/03/2018 22:01

Different scenario I know but I pretty much never hear the dog when she wakes in the morning and trundles round waiting to be let out. DH is a lighter sleeper so the poor bugger hears her every move and always gets up to let her out. I am really happy for him to wake me up so that I can go and do it instead but I genuinely don't hear a thing myself most of the time, I'm not sure how I could train myself to sleep more lightly or if it's even possible!

blackteasplease · 08/03/2018 22:03

I agree with those who say wake him!

BettyMorris · 08/03/2018 22:04

Yanbu. My DH is like this. No point in even trying to to to rouse him as the amount of time it would take to wake him up ds would be in a full screaming fit and then want me anyway. Sorry, I'm no help, but you're not alone.

FurryGiraffe · 08/03/2018 22:05

My DH used to be the deepest of deep sleepers. He was perfectly capable of sleeping through several night feeds in a row with me and DS1 in the same room. But once I was back at work and DS1 was night weaned we split the nights down the middle. He learned to 'tune in' and wake up when DS1 (and later DS2) woke.

Spend a few nights in the spare room with some ear plugs in and leave them to it.

nokidshere · 08/03/2018 22:05

I'm a poor sleeper and am often up late into the early hours but once I am asleep I'm fast asleep.

My children are teenagers now and I've never really heard them if i am asleep. DH always heard them and woke me for feeding or illness etc when they were babies.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 08/03/2018 22:08

You're facilitating a lack of responsibility- it's the same reason ds1 sleeps through ds2 addressing his head off - it's not his responsibility to wake up and deal with him. Dh and I take it in turns sometimes I pretend not to hear him there's no way I'd be doing it all myself! His children too!

iklboo · 08/03/2018 22:08

YY to having children changing your sleep. Before DS I used to sleep so deeply at one point some friends were debating calling an ambulance.

These days the sound of a mouse wafting away a silent fart wakes me up. And DS is 12!

Original poster

Bellamuerte · 08/03/2018 22:10

Every time I wake him he moans. If it's a week night he moans that he has to go to work the next day and I don't. If it's a weekend he just moans and sighs because he doesn't want to get up. And by the time I wake him, and he lies there and grumbles, and I can't go back to sleep in case DH dozes off and the baby doesn't get seen to... I might as well have sorted it myself. A lot of times I wake DH and he lies there complaining and moaning and fails to get up for ten minutes, while baby is screaming and lying there in his own mess, so I have to get up anyway. If I didn't wake him he wouldn't wake up at all. I have no chance of sleeping in a different bedroom and actually having a proper sleep while DH handles the baby.

I don't think IABU to expect to be able to hand the baby to his father and have a night to rest?

OP posts:

FurryGiraffe · 08/03/2018 22:14

He lies there complaining and moaning because he knows if he does that for long enough, you will give in and see to the baby. Don't give in. Is the baby in the same room as you? If so, put DH nearest the cot. If not- put the monitor on his side of the bed- loud!

RemainOptimistic · 08/03/2018 22:14

I wake DH and he lies there complaining and moaning and fails to get up for ten minutes,

Lovely. So it's not that he doesn't wake up, its that he simply can't be arsed to care for his own child. What a prize.

Another vote here for spare room and ear plugs, let him get on with it.

mynameismrbloom · 08/03/2018 22:16

DS was in hospital for a while when he was born. We had a room at the hospital. I had a bed, DH was on a folding bed across the room. I had to wake DH to pass him to me to be fed as I had just had a CS. Baby would be crying, I would be saying DH's name, and he was oblivious.

I resorted to throwing the tissue box, pillow, remote control and whatever else was handy at him in the end.

blackteasplease · 08/03/2018 22:20

Sorry to derail but that sounds like a good hospital mynameis. Providing that private room where dh could.stay over too!

fassbendersmistress · 08/03/2018 22:20

YANBU. Id be fuming at that crap excuse. What if you were ill/had to go to hospital? Would the baby just cry in distress all night long?
My DP doesn't hear the baby cry like I do but when it's his turn I either wake him or he eventually gets up. And he just gets on with it, because it's his baby too.

Start a rota and start waking him!

justforthisthread101 · 08/03/2018 22:21

It’s unacceptable that he doesn’t do his share when you wake him but in his defence, it’s DH who wakes in our house and if I’m tired enough, i’ll Sleep straight through!!

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 08/03/2018 22:22

A lot of times I wake DH and he lies there complaining and moaning and fails to get up for ten minutes, while baby is screaming and lying there in his own mess, so I have to get up anyway. If I didn't wake him he wouldn't wake up at all.

I just don't really have words for this

SomeRandomBird · 08/03/2018 22:24

I would establish before you go to sleep who is on duty that night. No point in you both getting up. He should do at least one night over the weekend to give you a break. If he has to work in the week then it's not really fair to wake him up.
I work full time and manage to tune out DD in the week but get up at weekends to give DP a break.

minionsrule · 08/03/2018 22:25

Another one here whose dh would sleep through a fricken earthquake.
I would wake him up and he would say 'wha, grunt, wha ok ....... snore snore snore'
Even now ds is 12 i can almost sense when he is up in the night...... except for the other week, he had a stinking cold and he came to wake me up in the middle of the night for some nasal spray, i must have been well out as he shook me but i didn't even move. ... only knew when he told ne in the morning
.... felt so bad but suppose once in 12 years ain't so bad

BestZebbie · 08/03/2018 22:28

Can I just recommend this product? It self-inflates and deflates in about five seconds plugged into the mains and is very comfy. Perfect for a man who has to sleep on the floor next to the cot on his night on duty because he can't be trusted to hear the monitor. www.argos.co.uk/product/3192018

Cath2907 · 08/03/2018 22:28

Do you have a spare room? If so when baby wakes you shake hubby, plop baby next to him then head for the spare room so you don’t need to hear the huffing!

blackteasplease · 08/03/2018 22:29

It is becuase he knows he's not responsible and you will do it.

I can easily.sleep through other people's babies crying when I'm in hospital with dd (9) as it's not my responsibility. But for my own children I would wake at the smallest sound of distress/ need. Dd does tell me she goes to the loo and I don't hear so obviously footsteps aren't on my subconscious list!

mynameismrbloom · 08/03/2018 22:36

blackteasplease We had health insurance so it was a private hospital. Cannot recommend health insurance enough. It made a traumatic situation a lot easier having DH around at night even if he was impossible to wake.

It really shocked me, and still does to this day, that DH doesn't have that natural instinct to wake when a baby, his baby, cries. I woke if he did a little cough, and still do!

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