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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that DH doesn't hear the baby cry?

96 replies

Bellamuerte · 08/03/2018 21:43

When the baby cries I wake up and look after him. DH sleeps right through it, he doesn't even hear the cries never mind the quiet grumbles or vomit noises. This means DH can't look after him to give me a night off because he wouldn't wake up if the baby needed attention. Every night I look after the baby on my own while DH sleeps.

DH claims it isn't his fault that he's a deep sleeper and doesn't hear the baby. He says you have no control over how deeply you sleep. I disagree - I think if you're looking after a baby you sleep lightly and you're listening for every noise.

AIBU to expect DH to be able to wake up when the baby needs attention?

OP posts:

Pimmsypimms · 08/03/2018 22:39

We had this problem initially, however, we then decided to take it in turns on a nightly basis, it was agreed before we went to bed who’s turn it would be to get up with ds when he woke in the night. Dh would then wake up when it was his turn, I would wake up briefly but could easily go back to sleep when dh went to him, I think that if they know that you will deal with it then they’ll just ignore the crying, but if they know that it’s their turn to get up when the baby wakes, then they seem to be more alert. This way, we found that each of us would be getting a fairly decent nights sleep at least every other night. It worked for us.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 08/03/2018 22:42

Apparently it is a real scientific fact that men don't hear the tone of a baby's cry. Read an article some years ago.
Fork under your pillow can be a reminder.

Mybabystolemysanity · 08/03/2018 22:43

We're going through this just now. I have pregnancy insomnia and am finding I'm only getting good sleep between about 3 and 7am. I've told him after a dumping baby in front of TV at 5am and going back to bed incident (so I had to get up to be with her on 2 hours sleep) that if he does it again I'll divorce him.

I'm now doing up to 5am and anything after that is his job.

Pennywhistle · 08/03/2018 23:11

I never had a night off with my twins but then I was breastfeeding.

If you are bottlefeeding there’s no reason you shouldn’t get a night off at the weekend.

If he’s working and commuting and you aren’t then I don’t personally think it’s fair to wake him in the night but I know others will disagree.

GummyGoddess · 08/03/2018 23:16

Wake him up and tell him to shut up with the moaning. Since moving DC1 into his own room, it's me that doesn't wake when he occasionally stirs. DH usually just gets up and deals with it as I'm pregnant, but sometimes he does wake me up when he's had a rough night and needs more sleep. I might grumble and mutter under my breath but obviously I do get up and sort DC out to help him get back to sleep.

NotTakenUsername · 08/03/2018 23:22

What an arse. He’s grumbling like a teenager being woken up by his mammy for school.

Urubu · 08/03/2018 23:22

Yes to this: I would establish before you go to sleep who is on duty that night
I used to wake up at every noise as well, but since we have defined duty nights and I know DH will care for the babies (twins) I sometimes sleep through when it is his turn. I couldn't believe it, really, but even mum brains can register that they are off-duty!! And yes at the beginning you have to wake your DH up and insist he gets up, but don't get up yourself! He will get it.
We did: SAHP 4 weeknights / 1 weekend, WP 1 weekday / 1 weekend night (and one lie down each at the weekend)

BeanFobbedOff · 08/03/2018 23:23

My mum is a deep sleeper, when she had my older sister, everyone said she'd soon learn to hear the baby. She didn't, and my dad had to wake her very time.

How do people with hearing issues manage, assuming there is no heating adult about?

BeanFobbedOff · 08/03/2018 23:23

(hearing)

GummyGoddess · 08/03/2018 23:27

@BeanFobbedOff Lots of monitors that have a vibrating watch thing. If noise is made, watch vibrates and parent checks on baby. Think some have a vibrating bit that can go under pillows instead if you don't like the watch.

Handsfull13 · 08/03/2018 23:34

Men aren't programmed to wake to baby cries but that doesn't mean they can't do it.
We have twins and my partner is amazing, he does everything I do.
When they were newborns we had them sleeping in Moses baskets one on each side of the bed. That meant we each dealt with one baby all night as they weren't synchronised. My OH woke up when his baby cried and managed to sleep through my baby crying as weird as that seems.

If your partner refuses to do any night waking maybe you need a compromise that at weekends you get a lie in to make up for the sleep.

BeanFobbedOff · 08/03/2018 23:40

Ooh interesting, Gummy -thanks!

Bambamber · 08/03/2018 23:40

My husband is the same, but I breastfeed so would still be doing to the feeds at night anyway. But now my daughter is older and wakes for the day about 6 every morning, I give her a feed and wake him up and he looks after her before he has to go to work while I sleep. At weekends he looks after her until her next feed, and even then sometimes I'll go straight back to sleep. I don't give him any choice in the matter, but then he s quite good anyway despite needing prompting at times

Aria2015 · 08/03/2018 23:45

My dh was the same. Apparently it's a biological thing...

www.infacol.co.uk/blog/science-sleep-dads-really-dont-hear-babies-crying/

Not that that makes it any less annoying!

Aquamarine1029 · 08/03/2018 23:49

Wake. Him. Up. He has to work? Aww! Poor baby! As a woman who has raised several children to adulthood, he'll get no sympathy from me. It's called being a parent, and it's damn hard work.

Dahlietta · 08/03/2018 23:49

My DH and I are the other way round. Fairly often we wake in the morning and I say, oh the dc slept well and he’ll say no, I had to go to one or other of them twice...

timeisnotaline · 08/03/2018 23:58

I totally understand not waking up but would be royally pissed off at the not pitching in once woken. I did the wake at a squeak with ds then at some point after I was back at work it stopped and I had normal wake reflexes back! These days if ds wakes up after 3ish it’s DH who wakes and gets him and I don’t know anything about it until I wake up with ds next to me. Maybe you should get a cattle prod? —not really joking—

nursy1 · 08/03/2018 23:59

My husband was like this. Deep sleepers are deeply annoying. Once, when step son woke in night feeling poorly he padded in to our room I woke up and heard him say “Daddy I feel sick” I pretended to be asleep ( mean I know but had the baby as well at the time so I felt it was one for him). Eventually poor sc shaking him but no response so the inevitable happened and he was covered in vomit. Guess what! He still didn’t wake up! I left him in it whilst I comforted Sc and sorted him out first. No answers op, they are just rip van winkles these people. Funny how it’s never a Mum though.

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 09/03/2018 00:54

DH and I have swapped. For two years I did all the night wakings (BFed and I was on maternity), then he has done the night wakings for the last few years. I used to hear her and he didn't. Now he hears her and I don't.

Luckily for DCs, whomever is in charge hears. Your DH clearly thinks you are in charge.

halfwitpicker · 09/03/2018 01:15

I would establish before you go to sleep who is on duty that night
^^
This

I can understand if he doesn't wake naturally, but once woken, he needs to be on the ball.

I know it's hard but that's parenthood!

FrozenMargarita17 · 09/03/2018 01:21

I used to have to wake my husband up. That was when he actually helped. He doesn't now. When I woke him up he would be sleepy and try to argue with me about it. Used to drive me fucking crazy but you have to do it.

planetclom · 09/03/2018 01:26

Big deal he moans..ffs, so the argument is why didn't you get up with baby, well I didn't hear them. So if I wake you up DH to deal with them? I will PAM because that is unfuckingexceptable... basically he is an arse!
I never woke up full of the joys with my two, you just get in with it. Don't be a wimp, wake him and roll over and go to sleep. Job done

Fucking moans what a dick!

planetclom · 09/03/2018 01:28

My friend PAM is a bitch clearly 😂
P should read bitch

HicDraconis · 09/03/2018 01:30

To be fair - if he has to be up for work the next day and you don't, then you should be doing all the night wakings in the week. DH did all the nights when I went back to work because he was the SAHP and could have an easier day of it the next day, while I couldn't.

Your DH should definitely be doing his fair share on Friday and Saturday nights though, assuming he doesn't work weekends too (which I did).

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 09/03/2018 01:38

if he has to be up for work the next day and you don't, then you should be doing all the night wakings in the week

Why?

When both parents work, both have to deal. Much better to share.

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