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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that DH doesn't hear the baby cry?

96 replies

Bellamuerte · 08/03/2018 21:43

When the baby cries I wake up and look after him. DH sleeps right through it, he doesn't even hear the cries never mind the quiet grumbles or vomit noises. This means DH can't look after him to give me a night off because he wouldn't wake up if the baby needed attention. Every night I look after the baby on my own while DH sleeps.

DH claims it isn't his fault that he's a deep sleeper and doesn't hear the baby. He says you have no control over how deeply you sleep. I disagree - I think if you're looking after a baby you sleep lightly and you're listening for every noise.

AIBU to expect DH to be able to wake up when the baby needs attention?

OP posts:

user1494409994 · 09/03/2018 09:46

I had this issue too but I would give my OH a bloody good shove and wake him up even though I'd lie awake listening to him.

mynameismrbloom · 09/03/2018 09:48

Bloody hell! "If he has to work in the week..."

I thought that attitude had died out in the 70s!

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 09/03/2018 09:51

Once I went back to work and DH became the SAHP, I was like this. If you don’t wake once, I think you ‘learn’ to not wake at all.

It is annoying, but you need to wake him. Don’t just kick him, tell him you can’t cope with all the night wakings so he needs to expect to be woken as he’s not stirring on his own.

It won’t last forever

aurynne · 09/03/2018 10:11

He will wake if he knew you weren't there and the baby would starve if he didn't feed him.

How many piece of news have you heard of babies dying because their dads who care for them do not wake up to their screams?

It just doesn't happen. He doesn't wake up now because he knows you do. Go and sleep in another room and you will find that, magically, he does wake up.

watahub · 09/03/2018 10:39

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Looneytune253 · 09/03/2018 11:20

It’s the opposite in our house. DH wakes to every noise for the kids so he’s already up and dealing with them by the time the noise wakes me up. I agree with the others, if it’s making you resentful you need to wake him up and make him do his share. Even if you’re then awake hopefully it’ll help get into a pattern and also stop the resentment

ineedwine99 · 09/03/2018 12:08

I'd have the monitor on louder and on his side of the bed, and give him a kick to get him moving. Time he started doing his share

BustopherJones · 09/03/2018 12:23

How old is the baby, and how many wake ups a night, OP? I’ve done a demanding job that meant very long days for stretches of time. Taking care of a baby was more demanding because the period of little sleep was longer, and I couldn’t just say ‘ok, I really need some sleep so I’m going to have at least 5 hours on Saturday’. Minimal sleep is not sustainable for long - a couple of months maybe, but you need time to recoup some strength.

If he can’t do his job if he’s woken at all, how does he expect you to stay awake after I’m guessing months of hardly any sleep? If you’re not bf, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be getting 2 nights unbroken sleep at the weekend if not any other time. If you are, then you should be able to feed, then hand over for changes, settling etc and you should also be able to have a lie in/early night.

Dvg · 09/03/2018 12:24

I also sleep through everything, BUT if my partner had work the next day i wouldn't be making him do night care, im sorry but staying home is easier, you can stay in bed if you wish all morning. I'd just be making him do his day offs.

FurryGiraffe · 09/03/2018 12:36

im sorry but staying home is easier, you can stay in bed if you wish all morning.

But this is not universally the case. We have no idea as to the OP's situation. We don't know if the baby is waking once a night for ten minutes or screaming for hours a night rendering the OP seriously sleep deprived. We don't know whether the baby is chilled out and sleeping for three hours at a stretch in the day or miserable due to reflux and unputdownable. We don't know whether there are older children for the OP to look after. There are lots of factors that contribute to how far it is reasonable to disturb the sleep of the paid working parent during the working week, but the simple fact of working outside the home doesn't entitle him to uninterrupted rest during the week irrespective of the circumstances- let alone at the weekend!

carryondoctor · 09/03/2018 12:39

My DP could do this. When DD was a newborn, he would take her into the lounge for a couple of hours in the middle of the night to give me a rest. Inevitably I'd hear her howling 20 mins or so later and go down to find her screaming inches away from him, and him snoring through it. He tried so hard!!

As DD got bigger, and wasn't just EBF, we simply put the video monitor on his side of the bed turned up, and that did the trick.

If your DP won't agree to this, I suggest a swift kick to the shins (this can be metaphorical if you prefer!!) when the monitor wakes you up!!

carryondoctor · 09/03/2018 12:40

Ps - my DF, who had his kids in the 60's and 70's, and never changed a nappy, believes in a tongue in cheek way that men "evolved" to sleep through it.....

Graphista · 09/03/2018 12:43

Being a sahm (or dad) is NOT easy for everyone I know very few people who found it genuinely "easy".

I enjoyed it, I'm glad I could (although I got screwed over as a result later) but it was NOT easy.

A child who rarely slept day or night, had allergies and health issues and was the personality type wanted a LOT of 1-1 input PLUS a husband that THOUGHT I was doing sod all and expected me to do all the housework, admin and home and car maintenance too!

greenbeansqueen · 09/03/2018 15:16

Wake him. DP and I took turns but there were times when I'd hear the baby and she didn't and vice versa. I agree that he's not 'hearing' because sub consciously he knows he won't have to deal with it. I had to be woken up by DP at times and I was breast feeding! Just knackered...

FrozenMargarita17 · 09/03/2018 18:53

Staying home is definitely not easier if you have a baby like mine 🙈

CheesecakeAddict · 10/03/2018 12:29

My OH is the same. In the 3 months that we've had DD for, he's never once woken up. But when I had to go into hospital he did wake up. So I suspect it's more to do with knowing I would do it all so he didn't have to

zinutujor · 10/03/2018 14:17

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outatime · 10/03/2018 17:52

I think you're right OP, it is more that he just doesn't think it's his job. My wife's job starts early so i do the 'night shift' with the kids. When they wake up (and are usually quite loud) she generally won't hear/wake as she knows it isn't hers to deal with. On one of the weekend days she will generally say to me that she intends to take the night wake ups and when that happens i don't generally hear them and she does.

TheJoyOfSox · 10/03/2018 19:01

I got up every night for all three of my dd. I felt it only fair as my DH had to go to work. But in fairness DH got up every Sunday morning so I could catch up on some sleep.
Your DH does need to do his share, it’s up to you two to work out when is a mutually beneficial time.
On the plus side, the baby years go by so fast, you’ll soon be sleeping a more ‘normal’ pattern.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 11/03/2018 00:13

I bet he fucking hears the baby ! Just can’t be arsed and know you will

Wake him up and buy some ear plugs

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 11/03/2018 08:39

I haven't read the full thread and don't want to get flamed for this but the whole woman waking and man not thing is actually primal. Its something in the makeup of people that men could sleep through babies cries easier as they would be up to hunt and women would wake easier as they dealt with care for the baby when breastfeeding was the only option. Its also part of the forth trimester. I did a little research on this as I also found it frustrating that I'd wake instantly but dh could sleep through it.

That said...we aren't living in cave man days anymore...so though I did do night feeds and wakings (my choice) if I woke dh to help me he would. The fact you're waking your "d'h and he's moaning is not on. Fair enough if the noises don't wake him but to be woken then moan would piss me off. You aren't sat on your arse all day, he needs to help out! Coz I'm up in the night with the kids if needs be dh takes them down early on Saturdays and Sundays so I get an undisturbed hour or so to sleep or mumsnet

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