AIBU to be annoyed that DH doesn't hear the baby cry?

[Bellamuerte]

When the baby cries I wake up and look after him. DH sleeps right through it, he doesn't even hear the cries never mind the quiet grumbles or vomit noises. This means DH can't look after him to give me a night off because he wouldn't wake up if the baby needed attention. Every night I look after the baby on my own while DH sleeps.

DH claims it isn't his fault that he's a deep sleeper and doesn't hear the baby. He says you have no control over how deeply you sleep. I disagree - I think if you're looking after a baby you sleep lightly and you're listening for every noise.

AIBU to expect DH to be able to wake up when the baby needs attention?

Sorry if this has been mentioned.

There is technology for this. Video & audio monitor, next to DH’s pillow, turned up to maximum volume. Impossible it won’t wake him. He’ll soon figure out that if he springs into action quickly, you sometimes can get them back to sleep quicker. Moan and prevaricate and delay? You could be up for hours.

It shouldn’t be you waking him up, that’s a dynamic for parents and teens maybe, but not one parent to another.

If it were me and I was worried he actually would hear the monitor but ignore the baby’s needs, I’d get a second monitor but keep it secret (with me in another room). I’d hold off as long as possible in responding myself on my nights ‘off’ and keep a detailed log of when it was ignored.

If nothing improved, I’d march DH and that list into marriage counselling. Get onto this, it’s the thin edge of the wedge with him outsourcing basic parenting to you and underlining to the world that he (and his sleep) are oh so much more important than you.

Good luck.

When both parents work, both have to deal

Yes, but that isn't the case in this situation. OP said her DH grumbles because he has to be up for work the next day and she doesn't. In this case, she should be doing the nights Sun-Thurs and he should take his turn Fri-Sat.

In terms of teamwork - his job is to work out of the house Mon-Fri, earning the family money. Her job is to work in the home looking after the children. Assuming this is a decision they have both made and are both happy with; if OP decides she'd rather return to work, then her DH will need to step up and do more of the night shifts.

I am making the massive assumption here that when OP's DH is at home and not asleep, he is taking his share of the housework / baby work. If he gets home and expects to do nothing because he's been at work all day, that does need addressing.

Interesting how her job lasts 24 hours a day and his 8.

I suspect giving birth triggers a hormone or something that makes you sleep more lightly. I used to be able to sleep through a war, but since about week 30 of pregnancy the slightest thing would wake me. It has been subsiding since my twins turned about 6 and now that they’re 9 I’m mainly back to how I was before they were born. I don’t know how you would just sleep less deeply long term if you were looking after someone unless you were driving yourself sick with anxiety.

So I don’t think he’s wrong that he cant help how deeply he sleeps just because you’re waking up more easily. But what he can help is how he responds to you waking him. That’s nothing to do with how deeply he sleeps, it’s how he reacts to the idea that he should have to have his sleep disturbed.

For us it's the other way around, I genuinely don't hear baby cry the first time round and by the time I wake my OH is either already feeding her or about to! I feel awful, I have no idea how I'm doing it or why as I wasn't like it with our first! I told OH to wake me but he won't.

I think this more common than you think. My DH is the same but during the day he is brilliant. He does his fair share at home and lets me lie in.

However if i hear first and ask him to see to kids he will. He just genuinely doesn't hear them as early as i do.

Also I'd rather do all the night feeds as Dh has a more demanding job and drives a lot.

He doesn't hear the crying but he'll probably feel a dunt to the ribs

I’m not sure if any studies have been done on this but having our twins changed my sleeping forever

My twins are 6 now and sleep OK but that's fine, I still get my early morning wake-up call, at least in summer, when the toddler who lives in the next street down to ours cries out in the night.

This is the absolute worst. I end up almost shouting at my dp to get him to wake up in the night, it makes me so mad that I wake up at the slightest noise and he doesn’t. There’s no excuse, we are both working and he can bloody well get up to deal with night wakings as well.

YABU to think he can change how he sleeps or what he hears.
YANBU to expect him to take his share on the nights when he's not working the next day. Not rtft but he needs to agree to do this and you both need to work out how to get it to happen. I'm a heavy sleeper and once the baby was in their own room I had a monitor right next to my head!

My DH is just like this. I gave up trying to wake him as he was always absolutely horrible when I did. On top of that she got up at 5am every morning for years and if it was DH to get up with her he was a tired nasty piece of work all day. We both work full time. Worst part is its his DD my DSD thankfully she is 7 now and sleeps through and later in the morning

I'm not sure if he can control how deeply he sleeps but I agree with PP that you should wake him up. That alone might condition him to sleep more lightly

DH was like this, but I did used to wake him up after I finished feeding if the baby didn’t settle. I think you are wired to hear the baby, especially in the early days, but that doesn’t mean you need to be solely responsible.

I'm on maternity, breastfeeding and my working DH still wakes up to help out during the night feeds. His choice and I'm very grateful for it.

This happened to me. He wouldn't wake. Stated he couldn't hear him, but didn't take kindly to me waking him either, so it was just easier for me to do it. But yeah also didn't feel able to go out because I couldn't trust him. The resentment really did build up. Not just night time either, getting up in the mornings with him don't happen either. In the end I made a decision that I could let it get to me and eat me up. Or I could just accept it and get on with it. I know that's not the right answer but for my own sanity I had to.

I think this is really common. I’m not sure if it’s biological or not. I don’t want to say it is because it gives lazy dhs a get out clause but it does seem like even dhs who are otherwise amazing (my dh) don’t hear newborn / babies crying.

My dh does 50:50 childcare in every other aspect, totally equal parent etc. But when ds was little he would never hear him. When he realised he was sleeping through it he was really sorry and apologised and asked me to wake him to help but he’s such a deep sleeper he takes ages to actually get up (!) whereas I leap out of bed quickly. So it would end up me lying there awake anyway having woke dh up, waiting to him to get up to see to ds where I could have got up and done it anyway!

Nearly 8 years on from this it’s all in the past and we laugh about it now. It does drive you mad in the middle of it though.

My DH is such a deep sleeper he could sleep through me physically shaking him AND shouting his name! And he never ever woke with our first child so I just gave up.. second baby I ended up in hospital unexpectedly for weeks and was so upset at the thought of him not waking to the baby I was in hysterics that first night, guess what he woke up every time and still is doing the night feeds until I am well.. he said he would never have believed it himself that he could wake but when he knew he was the only parent on duty he can easily rouse.. so pre arrange what nights are his and get to another room and leave him to it!

When my ds's were young, I would always do the night feeds, as dp was up at 4:40am for work. Ds2 was always up between 4:30-5:00am.

So he would change him, give him a bottle/breakfast before work. So when it was time for ds1 to wake for school, the baby was sorted.

On the weekends, dp would still get up at 5:00am, he never sleeps in (unless unwell), so would always leave me in bed as long as I wanted. He would see to the baby, ds1, sort the washing and drying, the dishwasher, and do all the ironing for the week.

I think being being a parent is dividing chores- give and take.

I get that men might not wake up if the baby cries, but to Kay there for 10 minutes moaning about the baby before getting up and seeing to the poor mite is atrocious.

He really is seeing the baby as the OP's job, isn't he. So selfish.

*lay, not Kay....

You need to have a conversation with your DH before the night feed. Tell him it's not fair that he doesn't do any, tell him that you want a night where he gets up, doesn't lie there and allows the baby to scream etc.

Tell him he's not being fair as even when he does the night feed, the way he goes about it means you cannot sleep!

Both of you are parents! He needs to pull his weight

My Dh never used to hear our baby when we was in bed together.

I did. Made more amazing by the fact I'm deaf

However, if he took the baby downstairs so I could get a full lights sleep, he would sleep a lot lighter and would hear him.

It was knowing I was there, that caused him not to hear

We had our first in a sidecar cot and DP wouldn’t wake at all. I was bf and she didn’t need a nappy change at night from quite early so it was just feed and back to sleep, no settling for ages, so not a problem. As soon as she was in her own room he would wake to the sound of the monitor - just a different quality to the sound I assume.

When I was trying to space out night feeds DP would go in first and try to settle - much easier than me doing it. So if he didn’t wake up I would wake him. The not waking up was a bit annoying in the sense that he would often say what a good night it was and I’d been up every hour, but he really couldn’t help it and was willing to be woken up so I’d say it’s the unwillingness that’s your real problem, OP.

I don’t agree that just because someone is working out of the home they need an unbroken night’s sleep, and the one doing childcare can just survive without. What if the parent doing childcare has to do a bunch of driving? Now we’ve got a second child, I’m up a lot to bf, so DP has to get up with the toddler if I’m busy.

For me it would depend on how much waking up there is. Once or twice for a quick hug and back to sleep wouldn’t faze me, but with an ill or teething toddler who is waking every hour or so, it’s not fair that one parent sleeps the whole night and the other gets maybe 45 min of sleep at a time.

Before we had children DP was pretty useless on less than 8 hours sleep. Now, he’s chipper on 5 hours - he’s just got better because he’s done it. My previous job involved stretches with little rest so I was used to it, but DP has learned how to cope pretty quickly so it can be done.

DH gets up for work at 7am and rarely gets home before 7.30pm. I go to bed with the baby at 10pm and I'm on duty all night and into the following day. So DH only has a 2.5hr window to do anything. He does cook dinner or look after the baby while I cook, but that's it. I'm in sole charge of the baby for 21.5 hours a day and I still end up helping during the 2.5hr "break" because DH would rather eat his dinner and let the baby cry.

When I complain, DH says it isn't his fault that he has a demanding high powered job, and if I want him to help with the baby I'll have to help with the breadwinning to give him more spare time.

My mum said she never ever heard any of us 3 children cry as babies when she was asleep! When it was her turn to get up my dad would wake her, with a very hard nudge

She could sleep through literally anything, even now.

"If he has to work in the week then it's not really fair to wake him up."

To be fair - if he has to be up for work the next day and you don't, then you should be doing all the night wakings in the week.

What on earth?! Op isn't sat being fed peeled grapes each day she's looking after THEIR baby and I suspect doing most if not all the housework too! They're both busy.

"Interesting how her job lasts 24 hours a day and his 8" exactly!

I'd be sitting him down and making it clear to him that this is not on and he needs to pull his weight! Then remind him of that conversation when he's whinging about having to BE A FATHER in the night.

He is capable of waking and seeing to his child he's just choosing not to.

And yes I agree with deciding who's turn it is that night before going to bed.