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AIBU?

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Original poster

My partner keeps photos of her ex-husband

84 replies

YodasBudLight · 08/03/2018 20:21

Hi

Just after some advice to see if I’m being unreasonable

Been with my girlfriend for 6 years, she has two kids 7&10. We are moving in together next June.

She divorced her husband after he left her when she was 3 months pregnant with her 2nd child, both her kids are his.

He was having an affair with his secretary at his Job (selling women’s beauty products or at least managing a team who sell them). Unsure if this was his first fling as he travelled with ‘business’ a lot but he’s now married her and they live an hour away. He sees his kids now he’s settled, initially he wouldn’t see the kids and there was a time access was stopped after he walloped the eldest when he was around 3 years old in a McDonald’s car park, she wouldn’t let him see them till he sorted himself out.

He’s treated her appallingly so I have little time for him but he’s the kids dad so we are civil, she said they did love each once and were happily married until she found out about his affair, she also caught him messaging women on Facebook late at night.

Anyway, my partner keeps photo albums, two in the kids rooms of baby photos of the first born, none of the 2nd born, in the album are several photos of her ex, with her first born, loads of pics of her first born by himself too, so not sure why she’d keep the pics of her ex.

Also she has another album on display In the book case, this is old pics etc but loads of pics of her ex husband by himself and loads of her and the ex together, on holidays, general pics we all take day to day.

Am I being unreasonable to question why she’s kept such photos of a man who cheated on her (at least once she can prove)?

I’m in no way threatened nor jealous of course, just find it odd she’s kept pics and was wondering if I’m in the minority here, after everything he did to her.

She says she’s kept the pics for her kids when they are older, he will have pics himself anyway?

Thanks

OP posts:
blastomama · 08/03/2018 20:22

Am I being unreasonable to question why she’s kept such photos of a man who cheated on her (at least once she can prove)?

yabu. He is her childrens father, its for them. Even if it isn't, her life her past her photos: her choice.

TheQueenOfWands · 08/03/2018 20:24

It's for her children.

They will or may want to see pictures of their father.

RainOnATinRoof · 08/03/2018 20:25

YABU

Theresasmayshoes11 · 08/03/2018 20:25

Gently yes. You sound a really good bloke. She’s doing it for her kids and not because she likes the wanker.

Don’t worry

BlackForestCake · 08/03/2018 20:27

Maybe she has better things to do than spend time expunging old photo albums. I still have old love letters from past relationships, doesn't mean I feel anything for the people now.

Rachie1973 · 08/03/2018 20:27

She says she’s kept the pics for her kids when they are older, he will have pics himself anyway?

have done the same for my kids.

One of my sons has my entire wedding album somewhere in his room.

We were a couple, we created them. They deserve to know that we did actually care about each other.

SummerRayne17 · 08/03/2018 20:27

Hi OP. Those photos are part of the childrens family history and you shouldn't worry or stress about it. I have 2 kids with my ex and i have kept photos (including wedding ones) for the kids. It doesn't mean my new Hubby needs to be jealous or worry, I have no feelings for the ex! In fact he does my head in!! We have been divorced for 11yrs now. The photos are just for the kids. I'm sure your partner doesn't sit there sifting through them and wishing they were still together! Put it to the back of your mind and enjoy your relationship.

overnightangel · 08/03/2018 20:28

Maybe she wants the kids to see that they were wanted and were the product of an (at the time) loving relationship

Chasingsquirrels · 08/03/2018 20:28

My 1st husband left me (I suspect an affair with his now partner) and I still have all the photos of our 17 year life together, including our wedding album.
I haven't kept them for the kids, and they never actually get looked at, I've kept them because they are pictures of MY life.

I met a new partner, who subsequently moved into my house.
I couldn't have loved him more or been happier (he has since died) but I didn't feel the need to dispose of "relics" of my life before him, and I'm very glad that he was secure enough in our relationship that he didn't feel the need to question that.

YoloSwaggins · 08/03/2018 20:30

TBH, I think it's a bit weird but it's probably for the kids.

Whenever I broke up with a boyfriend, I'd delete all evidence that they ever even existed.

Shenanagins · 08/03/2018 20:30

Personally I couldn’t be arsed going through all the albums to take the photos out as he doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.

Original poster
YodasBudLight · 08/03/2018 20:33

Some great replies here thanks. Was wondering why they need to be on display in the bookcase though, and not stored away safely if they are being kept for the kids when they are older.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 08/03/2018 20:34

It's an album on the bookcase? Not pictures in frames on display?

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 08/03/2018 20:35

I was young when my parents split. I found a photo album in the bin at one point, a lot of photos of Dad on his own, with me, holidays etc. I rescued it, hid it under my bed. He was awful to my mum and after the divorce to me as well. But it was part of my history and I needed it.

Much later I showed Mum. She was glad I still had it. It wasnt always a great past but it happened and it wasn't without its good memories.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2018 20:35

Yabu.
I have photos of everything that's happened in my life and I will keep every single one of them as memories.

NC4Now · 08/03/2018 20:35

I still have pics of my ex with DS1. He was part of our life at that time. He isn’t now, but I wouldn’t want to rewrite history.
I don’t look at them, but he was part of our story.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 08/03/2018 20:35

Insecure much? Why can't you move in earlier than next June?

Secretsquirrel252 · 08/03/2018 20:36

I thought you meant she had pictures of him on the walls! It's totally understandable that she had photos of him in albums.

He's the father of her children, not some teenage boyfriend. She's not going to cut him out of all her photos, throw away the teddy bear he bought her on Valentine's Day. He was part of her life. It's not a sign she hasn't moved on, it's a sign that she's a grown up.

SpringHen · 08/03/2018 20:37

You previous life experiences dont evaporate when you get a new partner FFS.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 08/03/2018 20:37

Because in the bookcase the kids can pick them up and look at them if they want. In the nicest possible way it’s not something you have a say in. I have photos of my ex the children can see hem any time they want to he is their dad. If dh had an issue with it then he wouldn’t be the man I thought he was because he is the children’s dad and I couldn’t erase him from their life even if I wanted to. And just an FYI I also asked ex’s wife for some pics of their wedding for the album as well the dc were there and might like copies when they are older.
It’s about setting a good example. I loathe my ex. but I don’t want my kids to know that and I wouldn’t want them to ever feelnidntried to erase anything about him from their lives and that includes photos.

sinceyouask · 08/03/2018 20:38

Her children shouldn't have to grow up in a home where their father's picture has to be hidden from view. It's great that their mother isn't doing that. Why does this bother you?

marl · 08/03/2018 20:38

Having been in her situation and experienced that , I would say this is a positive indication that she can cope with what happened to her and she has rebalanced herself despite an awful experience. I have one photo album in the loft wrapped in brown paper only kept because I feel DS may want it years down the line. For me it is still too raw and painful even 15 years on, despite a new family, DCs and DP, and undoubtedly means I am still harbouring anger and unresolved trauma. I would say this is a great sign, from your point of view.

Original poster
YodasBudLight · 08/03/2018 20:38

No need for the nasty comments some of you, 2nd time I’ve used this forum and I’ve found most replies helpful

OP posts:
Marnie182 · 08/03/2018 20:41

YABU

My mum kept pics of my dad with us and with her when we were babies. She kept them for us. I now have the albums.

My step dad questioned it too, but let it go as it was purely for our benefit.

Dsis and I are so glad they were kept.

Bellamuerte · 08/03/2018 20:41

My parents divorced but my mum kept photos of my dad - photos of us as a family, wedding photos, photos of him by himself, etc. I'd have been angry if she took those memories away from me just because their marriage didn't work out. Also those photos are part of her life - it may be over but I don't see why she should pretend it didn't happen? I have photos of ex boyfriends for the same reason: it's part of my history, my memories. One of my greatest regrets is that my step grandad destroyed all photos and letters etc of my real grandad out of jealousy so I've lost that part of my family history forever.

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