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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner keeps photos of her ex-husband

84 replies

YodasBudLight · 08/03/2018 20:21

Hi

Just after some advice to see if I’m being unreasonable

Been with my girlfriend for 6 years, she has two kids 7&10. We are moving in together next June.

She divorced her husband after he left her when she was 3 months pregnant with her 2nd child, both her kids are his.

He was having an affair with his secretary at his Job (selling women’s beauty products or at least managing a team who sell them). Unsure if this was his first fling as he travelled with ‘business’ a lot but he’s now married her and they live an hour away. He sees his kids now he’s settled, initially he wouldn’t see the kids and there was a time access was stopped after he walloped the eldest when he was around 3 years old in a McDonald’s car park, she wouldn’t let him see them till he sorted himself out.

He’s treated her appallingly so I have little time for him but he’s the kids dad so we are civil, she said they did love each once and were happily married until she found out about his affair, she also caught him messaging women on Facebook late at night.

Anyway, my partner keeps photo albums, two in the kids rooms of baby photos of the first born, none of the 2nd born, in the album are several photos of her ex, with her first born, loads of pics of her first born by himself too, so not sure why she’d keep the pics of her ex.

Also she has another album on display In the book case, this is old pics etc but loads of pics of her ex husband by himself and loads of her and the ex together, on holidays, general pics we all take day to day.

Am I being unreasonable to question why she’s kept such photos of a man who cheated on her (at least once she can prove)?

I’m in no way threatened nor jealous of course, just find it odd she’s kept pics and was wondering if I’m in the minority here, after everything he did to her.

She says she’s kept the pics for her kids when they are older, he will have pics himself anyway?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
YodasBudLight · 08/03/2018 20:42

Can you pay my mortgage for me till june and i’ll move in tomorrow ;)

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 08/03/2018 20:43

YABU. My ex treated me like crap but I’ve kept photos. I gave him the wedding ones to do with as he chooses. I wouldn’t get rid of the photos because they are the kids history. I want them to know that they were born out of love and that both their parents loved them.

One day your partner/her ex won’t be around, and photos and memories will be all that remain for her kids. Don’t deny them that.

Original poster
YodasBudLight · 08/03/2018 20:44

My last message was for @whatshallidonowpeople

OP posts:
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 08/03/2018 20:44

My dad cheated on my mum and left her for the OW. My mum kept her wedding album and countless photos of my dad so that my sister and I could look at them.

You sound selfish and insecure. Not attractive traits.

Leeds2 · 08/03/2018 20:44

It really doesn't mean that she has any feelings for her ex at all. Most probably, quite the contrary (speaking from bitter experience!).

Original poster
YodasBudLight · 08/03/2018 20:47

@wellfuckmeinbothears very mature. As stated, just asking a question having never been married

OP posts:
JuniLoolaPalooza · 08/03/2018 20:51

My SIL's stepdad threw out all the family photos of her childhood as her dad (mum's ex) was in them. So now she has no photos of her childhood. Really really sad because of one man's jealousy. Try to keep let it go, it's for her kids.

NorbertTheDragon · 08/03/2018 20:53

My now ex's first wife had a boyfriend who made her get rid of every photo my ex was in. We ended up with all the pics of his kids with him in them - even if it was just an arm. I didn't care, I was happy to have pics of his kids. And I wouldn't have cared if she was in them either. I just thought it was bizarre that any hint of him had to be gotten rid of. And not nice for the kids either, who were old enough to figure out why these photos were suddenly ours.

Now he's my ex I'm not going to get rid of all the photos of him just because we've split up, he's still my kids dad and I'm sure they'll like to look at them.

WhatWouldWallyDO · 08/03/2018 20:53

If you seperated would you just erase her out of your life? Would you expect her to do that to you if you seperated?

You can delete a boyfriend of 6 months from your life but not the father of her children. Even if he is a dick. It would not be good for her chidlren to never see happy photos of them as a family either.

Original poster
YodasBudLight · 08/03/2018 20:55

Maybe I should be clearer. I would no way want her to throw photos away of her ex and her together, or her ex with his son, but I find it odd there are pics of just him. It doesn’t worry me, like I said was just anking a Q here, sounds like I’m in the wrong and I appreciate all the sensible replies. Thanks

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 08/03/2018 20:55

Don't worry, this is normal.

You are together, don't stress it.

LeighaJ · 08/03/2018 20:56

I think they're purely for the kids and I use to go through the family photo albums as a child. I liked that they were easily accessible to me in the bookcase.

WhatWouldWallyDO · 08/03/2018 20:56

I'd have been angry if she took those memories away from me just because their marriage didn't work out

Exactly, it's not just about the two of them as a couple but all the relationships that came of that relationship.

64BooLane · 08/03/2018 20:56

But it’s not odd at all for her to have pictures of just him. Why is that odd? Genuine question

TeeBee · 08/03/2018 20:57

I've got loads of photos of my ex (actually, of all my exes), I won't erase him from my life; he's the father of my children. My OH has never even questioned it! If he did, I would piss myself laughing and then reassure him that I don't feel a thing for him, which I don't. She left him so she clearly doesn't want to be with him. You're reading far too much into it m'dear.

Liara · 08/03/2018 20:58

My father died 20 years ago. He divorced my mother another 25 years before that, and behaved pretty shoddily towards her.

My mum recently gave me a few photos of their wedding, and a few of him by himself from when they were together.

It was lovely seeing my dad, young and well. I have framed one and have it on display at home, and show my children the grandfather they never got to meet.

I'm so glad my mother kept them all. I loved him dearly, for all his faults, and miss him every day.

64BooLane · 08/03/2018 20:59

To give further context - my dad kept pictures of just my mum even though they had a bitter divorce. Some of them are lovely photos and they mean a lot to me.

My step mum wasn’t threatened by them, they’re history. But I would have been horrified if she’d made my dad feel weird about them so that they got “stored away”.

Franklyyes · 08/03/2018 20:59

My mum destroyed all photos of my dad after they split up when I was 11. Even ones with me in. I thought it was odd then and really wish now I had the photos as he died three years ago.

INeedToEat · 08/03/2018 20:59

I've kept all the pictures of my ex. I couldn't care if he dropped dead tomorrow but I'm going going to delete him from my son's life (even thougb he hasn't seen him for over two years).

category12 · 08/03/2018 20:59

He's part of her history and her children's father. Do you really think it would be healthier emotionally for her to go through her photo albums and throw out all the pictures of him on his own? Seems like a lot of work and would end up messing up the albums with gaps and stuff Confused. You really want her putting that much thought into it?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 08/03/2018 20:59

Mature would be accepting she had a life before you. And I’m being completely honest and serious, if my dh needed to query why I kept photos of my ex/dd’s dad “on display” I would find it incredibly unattractive that he was that immature and selfish.

Rosti1981 · 08/03/2018 21:00

I grew up with divorced parents and a mum who clearly was harbouring LOADS of anger and resentment towards my dad (who had an affair). Tbh it was extremely difficult for me (as a child) and I don't know what happened to photos of us as a family etc but there weren't anyway, and I still find this difficult as an adult, it's like I'm relying on my five year old memory which has all these gaps and holes, and I have no idea what is true and what isn't (besides knowing how devastated my mum was and feeling like I had to protect her- when I was 6!!). I think having family pics stored in an album is fine and healthy, for the kids, removing all trace of their dad (like my mum did) just made things feel very upsetting and difficult for me as a child, and even now as an adult (and yes, my dad wasn't perfect and did something not very nice... But he is still my dad and I find the holes in my memory and no one really willing to talk + no photos quite difficult).

Motoko · 08/03/2018 21:00

She says she’s kept the pics for her kids when they are older, he will have pics himself anyway?

But he probably won't have the same pics, if he does have any. I still have pics of my children with their dads. It doesn't mean that I secretly still like them, but they're part of my history, and my children's history.

A bookcase seems to be a logical place to store photo albums.

INeedToEat · 08/03/2018 21:01

Not going to *

ariettyspaghetti · 08/03/2018 21:03

YABU. having children in a relationship is a whooooole other genre and you don't just get to forget and swan off.