My partner keeps photos of her ex-husband

[YodasBudLight]

Hi

Just after some advice to see if I’m being unreasonable

Been with my girlfriend for 6 years, she has two kids 7&10. We are moving in together next June.

She divorced her husband after he left her when she was 3 months pregnant with her 2nd child, both her kids are his.

He was having an affair with his secretary at his Job (selling women’s beauty products or at least managing a team who sell them). Unsure if this was his first fling as he travelled with ‘business’ a lot but he’s now married her and they live an hour away. He sees his kids now he’s settled, initially he wouldn’t see the kids and there was a time access was stopped after he walloped the eldest when he was around 3 years old in a McDonald’s car park, she wouldn’t let him see them till he sorted himself out.

He’s treated her appallingly so I have little time for him but he’s the kids dad so we are civil, she said they did love each once and were happily married until she found out about his affair, she also caught him messaging women on Facebook late at night.

Anyway, my partner keeps photo albums, two in the kids rooms of baby photos of the first born, none of the 2nd born, in the album are several photos of her ex, with her first born, loads of pics of her first born by himself too, so not sure why she’d keep the pics of her ex.

Also she has another album on display In the book case, this is old pics etc but loads of pics of her ex husband by himself and loads of her and the ex together, on holidays, general pics we all take day to day.

Am I being unreasonable to question why she’s kept such photos of a man who cheated on her (at least once she can prove)?

I’m in no way threatened nor jealous of course, just find it odd she’s kept pics and was wondering if I’m in the minority here, after everything he did to her.

She says she’s kept the pics for her kids when they are older, he will have pics himself anyway?

Thanks

I have pictures of my ex, with who I have two children. Why would I throw them?! How strange!
I keep them for the kids but also for myself and my memories. Nothing to do with him, or any feelings towards him... but it was a huge part of my life! I would think my OH is completely unreasonable and controlling if he expected me to get rid of them and what? Pretend that part of my life didn’t exist? Make it more difficult for me to remember it?

YABVVVU

It's not strange keeping the photos but it is a bit odd having pictures of her ex on display in your lounge. I wouldn't stand for this at all. Tell her to take them down.

It’s actually making me feel really sad thinking about this for some reason. I feel like you aren’t going to “get it”, OP, but I really hope I’m wrong.

Families have so many ways of inadvertently hurting each other, and short-sightedness about stuff like this is quite a big one, I think.

My OH has photos of his exw. It didn't end well but that - with time and distance - doesn't mean there weren't happy memories. Including memories of her being happy.

Personally I think it's healthy. I wouldn't want them on the wall I admit but it's good that he has the distance to look back at a happy memory as just that a happy MEMORY. He's not going back to her but he shouldn't have to whitewash out the good times of his history.

Viviennemary
It's not strange keeping the photos but it is a bit odd having pictures of her ex on display in your lounge. I wouldn't stand for this at all. Tell her to take them down.

2 points..... they're NOT on display, they're in an album on a bookcase.

'Tell her'??? She's not a dog to be ordered around in her OWN home!

Completely yabu- these photos are for her children and they will appreciate it when they are older.

Thanks everyone. I am being unreasonable I can see. I have all my old pics on a hard drive somewhere so I guess I’m being hypocritical. I just found it odd her pics were pretty much on display, I want her kids to see the pics obviously when they are older, they should know their history etc just feel like his actions were so bad he doesn’t deserve to be on display but I guess it’s in the kids interest. Super forum this, going to bed, thank you

My husband and I both have all the photos from our first marriages. Neither of us spends time looking at them but, as others have said, they're part of our respective family histories and so they're kept for the children of those marriages. My mother threw away all the photos of my Dad when she divorced him, including wedding photos which had extended family members on them...grandparents, uncles & aunts. I think it was a mistake.

I agree with everyone else that the photos are normal. What I do find odd however is that there are no photos of DS2.

'Tell her'??? She's not a dog to be ordered around in her OWN home

Yes! And they don't even live together!

Yay OP. Thank you for updating. You have cheered me up and restored my faith in things

When you wake up, I would like to point out that I’d actually be more concerned if she had pointedly gone through and picked out every photo of her ex and got rid.

That would, to me, sound more as if she hadn’t got over him. IYSWIM.

Plus all the other reasons given.

One of the key aspects of parenting when you are divorced is not making your kids feel like they need to pick a side between parents.

Lots of small things can give kids the message that they need to decide that one of the parents is "better" than the other.

Expunging pictures of the ex from albums so that it's like he only exists in relation to the kids does send a message that mummy wishes her past with daddy didn't exist. It's a subtle message that mummy is the good one and daddy is the bad one. Don't underestimate the ability of children to internalise these things.

As adults of course you know all the background and probably do feel that daddy is the "bad one". That's not a message you want to pass on to the kids though.

@dextrodependant when he left her she had to raise two kids by herself for a couple of years, she has electronic photos of her 2nd, they were just never printed

Same here. I would happily throw out all the photos of my useless ex. I keep them solely because my DS will own those albums one day and the pictures are part of his history. I don't want him to think I hate that part of him that has his father's genes.

I don't think it would be out of order to ask her to put the albums away somewhere safe though - a good reason is that they will yellow if they just sit out in daylight. A nice dark box in the attic might be much better

I think your over thinking the just him part.. It's not really relevant and the dc probably would like to see pics of him.
He sounds like an arse, who knows the relationship may break down.. The children have lots of pics of him.

Let's say worse comes to worse and your relationship breaks down too, I expect your partner to also keeps pics of you because your also now part of the fabric of their childhood.

Imagine a new man saying.. Why are there pics of op at all he wasn't even the dc real father. Etc.

If you have any doubts about her love for her you.. Fine.. But I do think your over thinking this.

That makes sense @Yoda

I have the king of exes-he ticked every box of bastard behaviour. He assaulted me several times, once kicked me in the stomach when I was pregnant, stole from us, cheated on me a billion times blah blah.

Kicked him out years ago. Kept all the photos of the creep with his dc (whom he never ever bothers with now) as my beauties may want to see them some day.

I did take some small pleasure in deleting one or two of just me and him off Facebook, but they were nothing. All the rest, locked up tight for the dc.

NO one actually prints out pics of dc 2, dc 3 etc do they?

It's just like their poo empty baby books, poor feckers.

What he did was really shitty but she's being very mature and doing the right thing for her DC.

Now you've explained why the pictures bother you I understand. He doesn't deserve her to be so reasonable about things but if she wasn't she might be busy sticking pins into wax effigies of him rather than moving on with you

YABU My partner still has pictures of himself and his ex together, it's solely for the sake of their three year old son

I find it a bit weird tbh just because it's not something I'd ever do.

But I don't care that DP has photos of him and his ex (well two ex's he has photos of actually).

At the end of the day you can't erase the past nor should you have to just because of a new relationship. We all have histories and it's our past that makes us who we are now.

I was married. not for long and it was when i was very young, but i still have the album. because it was MY history, not just his, and there are no feelings attached to it. it was an event that looking back on, i can't quite get my head around but i dimly remember the love we had for each other before we both grew up.