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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit disturbing...

92 replies

Madonnasbiggestfan · 08/03/2018 12:23

My MIL and FIL's weird refusal to accept the fact they have aged - and are now in their 80s.
For example: my MIL and FIL refuse to have a family portrait sitting. I was trying to persuade them because FIL is unwell and wanted my DC (10 and 4) to have a picture of their grandparents. In their house there are no pictures taken after 1984 - when DH was 14. It's like time stood still; they would have been early 50s as they had their children quite late.
Also they are selling up their house and moving further away from us; when DH said to his mum 'what happens if you get unwell like dad' he was told we will have to go and see them. IT's not as if they didn't actively encourage both DH and his sister to have children and live near and in London! My parents actively warned me about having children, but my DH was put under pressure. Now they don't want to live near us or their daughter (who also has younger children). I know I can't change their minds but I'm worried because my FIL is quite sick and we are preparing for the worst. How do I reconcile myself to the fact we might end up spending hours and hours on the motorway...
DH is close emotinally to his parents but DSIL less so. In fact this whole thing has made her quite angry as she feels her parents don't want to help her.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just to rant really!

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 08/03/2018 13:06

I can see where you're coming from, but I find myself wondering "at what age should I regard my life as effectively over and take care I live close to DCs rather than doing what I want with my life?"

Kingsclerelass · 08/03/2018 13:33

Surely all these things are their decisions, not yours. They are grown ups, they can live where they wish and have whatever pictures they choose in their house.

Having raised their children they are enjoying their life as a couple. They don't seem to be asking for your help. Perhaps you should just let them get on with it.

Chienrouge · 08/03/2018 13:37

I don’t really get the point about the portrait sitting? It’s completely up to them what photos they have done, whatever age they are. I would hate a family portrait sitting, as would my parents.
They can make their own decisions about their own lives. I imagine they’ve thought through their decision to move further away.
What does your SIL want help with? Is she annoyed because they won’t be able to help with child care?

Original poster
Madonnasbiggestfan · 08/03/2018 13:37

Kings my FIL is now really ill and my SIL had to go and see them earlier this week, they asked for one of us to go there. So they are expecting our help.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/03/2018 13:41

These issues seem to revolve about you and what you think or want OP. Do you realise that?

5foot5 · 08/03/2018 13:47

I am a bit confused.

You say your SIL is angry as "she feels her parents don't want to help her."

But if anything they are more likely to need SIL and yourselves to help them.

I assume your point is that if they move further away and then something crops up they will expect you to drop everything and drive however far to help them.

Birdsgottafly · 08/03/2018 13:48

Are you really holding your PILs responsible for where you have chosen to live and whether or not to have children?

Your SIL should have had as many children as she could manage because realistically after 60 you run the risk of various illnesses and couldn't commit to helping raise a child.

They've chosen were they want to see their days out. Their in their 80's and you still all want support from them?

Unless you suspect dementia etc, you shouldn't interfere or want to control them. Your DH won't have them for much longer, it might ease him into losing them.

Birdsgottafly · 08/03/2018 13:49

X post, make it clear that you won't be able to go on demand.

TheQueef · 08/03/2018 13:49

How inconvenient for you.

sirlee66 · 08/03/2018 13:52

Sorry, OP. I'm not really understanding the point in your thread? Could you try and explain? Are you looking for advice or just venting?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/03/2018 13:52

Regarding the family portrait, I totally understand where they're coming from. I wouldn't want one either for various reasons. But I get why you'd want a photo of them with/for your dc.

Could you ask them for an informal one, sat in the garden or together on the sofa?

Clawdy · 08/03/2018 13:56

God, at their age, why shouldn't they do just as they like?

crunchymint · 08/03/2018 14:01

Sometimes when you know your days are numbered, you do what you actually want to do in the here and now, rather than thinking about the future.

nannybeach · 08/03/2018 14:01

at what age do you have to regard yourself as old then? I have a cousin of 90 who goes out every day belongs to various clubs, plays bridge, does crosswords, I could not do has her hair done once a week. My late Grandfather was 97 when he finnally diedHe was pretty sprightly to the end.I have relatives at 50, act as though they have one foot in the grave.

BarbarianMum · 08/03/2018 14:02

I get what you're saying (and why you're cross) but the reality is, if they move further away, then you will be able to see them less often. They need to understand that you will not be dropping everything and shooting down the motorway every time they need a lift to hospital, or whatever. As long as they understand this, everything's fine.

Am totally with them on the portrait front.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/03/2018 14:03

Surely the OP is saying her family wants photos of the ILs?

And she's wondering why they're moving further away when they will need so much care - of course that's to do with her as she'll be involved in that care at a distance.

crunchymint · 08/03/2018 14:03

nannybeach In fairness at 50 can be the time when many people really emotionally become aware of their own mortality. They may get over it and be like your older relatives. Also some women have a really tough menopause and that does make you feel ancient.

Playdohnut · 08/03/2018 14:09

The portrait is neither here nor there really. The problem is FIL is unwell, yet they are choosing to move away from the OP while expecting OP and family to drop everything and travel significant distance at the drop of a hat to support them.

Maybe they are in denial about how ill FIL is. Clearly the family dynamic is they have a lot of expectation/sense of entitlement around how your DH and DSIL do, and perhaps haven't adjusted to/accepted the fact that DH and DSIL are adults with their own lives and a range of priorities to juggle. That's unlikely to change, however. So you need to make your peace with it and do the best you can, but not accept any guilt they send your way if you can't do as much as you would have been able to if they hadn't moved.

TatianaLarina · 08/03/2018 14:11

I think the picture thing is so what. Presumably you have snaps on your phone.

But ageing 80+ parents suddenly upping sticks a long way from their children when they’re just getting unwell, is quite a common pattern. Old people often find themselves isolated and dependent on state service because of this.

It’s fine as long as they totally understand that will not be able to see them as regularly or easily as when they lived nearby.

In actual fact they will likely say they do understand, then expect you to visit as often as when they lived down the road.

My aunt rings me and asks ‘could you just pop to Sainsbury’s for me?’ Sainsbury’s is now 1.5 hrs drive - so roughly a 4 hour round trip.

RadioGaGoo · 08/03/2018 14:17

It's fine to move away. It's not fine to expect family to visit all the time. Your DH needs to make it clear that just as they have a life, so does his family.

NSEA · 08/03/2018 14:18

So are you saying you having children was a decision made by parents in law? Because thats how I read it. Your choice to have children shouldn’t impact their decisions now.

Apart from you having to spend time travelling to see them, does their move actually not benefit them or make their life easier?

I think you’re being a bit harsh, they don’t have to do anything regarding portraits if they don’t want to. This whole thing reads like they are different to ypur parents and ypu don’t feel comfortable about it!

GrannyGrissle · 08/03/2018 14:23

Have you spelled out to DPinL that you won't be on their doorstep to provide help and care? What with work/school/life you really won't be 'freely available'? Have you explained that you will be seeing them x amount of times a year or so (ie. A weekend at Christmas/Week in summer hols/Weekend at Easter? ). Perhaps this hasn't dawned on them?

Bluelady · 08/03/2018 14:24

Most sensible people future proof their lives at a certain age. It's why they downsize, buy bungalows, live within walking distance of shops and surgeries, often they move closer to their adult children because they recognise they're going to need support.

This couple are choosing to do the opposite. I can see where you're coming from, OP, and why you feel as you do. It seems like a pretty senseless decision to me. But then what do I know?

turnipfarmers · 08/03/2018 14:32

It's their life and you just need to step back and let them live it for your own sanity, they are not your responsibility.

One of my siblings has made some awful decisions which had a massive negative impact on family relationships and now they are wanting the rest of us to pick up the pieces but mostly we have said no.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/03/2018 14:32

The only unreasonable thing is them moving but then expecting care/help to be provided, after making it more difficult and expensive for you to do so.

If the moving process is still underway, would it be worth getting together with SIL and making it clear to them that no, you won't be able to help out/visit in the same way - you have other responsibilities, and children to care for? What was your answer when they said 'you'll have to come to us'? It should have been 'no - we won't be able to unless we can free up x days, can take time off - it will be more difficult and you will have to accept that we often won't be in a position to help you out any more'