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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit disturbing...

92 replies

Madonnasbiggestfan · 08/03/2018 12:23

My MIL and FIL's weird refusal to accept the fact they have aged - and are now in their 80s.
For example: my MIL and FIL refuse to have a family portrait sitting. I was trying to persuade them because FIL is unwell and wanted my DC (10 and 4) to have a picture of their grandparents. In their house there are no pictures taken after 1984 - when DH was 14. It's like time stood still; they would have been early 50s as they had their children quite late.
Also they are selling up their house and moving further away from us; when DH said to his mum 'what happens if you get unwell like dad' he was told we will have to go and see them. IT's not as if they didn't actively encourage both DH and his sister to have children and live near and in London! My parents actively warned me about having children, but my DH was put under pressure. Now they don't want to live near us or their daughter (who also has younger children). I know I can't change their minds but I'm worried because my FIL is quite sick and we are preparing for the worst. How do I reconcile myself to the fact we might end up spending hours and hours on the motorway...
DH is close emotinally to his parents but DSIL less so. In fact this whole thing has made her quite angry as she feels her parents don't want to help her.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just to rant really!

OP posts:
Charolais · 08/03/2018 15:31

I’m 65 this year. The last picture I had taken was 9 years ago. Why the hell do I want pictures of my old face all over the place? The pictures in my house are of the younger me I prefer. - before I started taking steroids.

My FB profile picture is me at 16. That’s how all my British FB friends remember me anyway.

I will live where I please.

anxiousmumtobe33 · 08/03/2018 15:31

I hope that when I'm 80 I can be free to choose to live wherever the fuck I please. Tbh I'd hope I can do that in my thirties too. I didn't grow up anywhere near either of my sets of grandparents and my son won't either - life just hasn't worked out that way. My DF and my in-laws are settled in their areas and my DH and I are tied to our area by his job.

I have speak to my DF daily and see him every two months or so. I accept that as he gets frailer I may have to travel up more frequently at times. But I have to live my life with my family down here, and he actively encourages me to do so.

anxiousmumtobe33 · 08/03/2018 15:32

Tbh I just hope to be alive by 80. My mum only made it to 56.

Bluelady · 08/03/2018 15:36

Of course people should be free to live where they like. Most people make sensible decisions about it though. The older you get, the more likely it is you're going to need family support and it's sensible to make that as easy as possible.

anxiousmumtobe33 · 08/03/2018 15:40

Some people aren't in a position to make 'sensible decisions'.

Maybe the OPs in-laws just want to live out their final years in peace?

ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3 · 08/03/2018 16:29

I think your DH and DSIL need to talk to their parents about the real possibility of one/both of them needing support in the future.
I have spent the last 10 years - yes - 10 years looking after first my DM then DPIL.

It's all well and good to say tell them you won't be able to help, the probability is that you will all have to help. Love and the guilt monster are hard taskmasters.

From hospital appointments, sudden falls, Drs appointments, shopping...and on and on and on.

To already live a distance away from support is one thing to deliberately move away is not sensible unless they both understand the possible consequences. They're in the 80s not 60s.

I don't understand what you mean about your parents 'warning' you not to have children.

GummyGoddess · 08/03/2018 17:18

@anxiousmumtobe33 your situation is different. Your df didn't depend on you for help, then move miles away and assume you would continue the same level of care.

I imagine that op wouldn't care as much if they were in excellent health and hadn't said they expect her and their children to continue caring for them at the same level they currently do.

nannybeach · 08/03/2018 17:19

hello, no the relative in question had no issues with the menopause, she was just old before her time. I went thru the menopause at 42, it was horrdendous, am 67 now still getting hot flushes and the like, am obviously going to be one of these folk who have them for ever. i used to be on HRT when we moved our new GP would not prescribe it, they dont tell you that all the symptoms come back with a vengance.

Riverside2 · 08/03/2018 17:21

OP "I had children despite my parents warning me"

sorry, you mentioned this twice and I'm not sure if I am missing something, but what were they warning you about and what is the relevance?

anyway, anyone who choose to move far away and then demands that relatives who live far away have to help out in emergencies - well, they can whistle for it. OF course they want to move, no worries, they should live where they like. But no one should be expected to spend hours on the motorway to help them out with stuff.

Dipitydoda · 08/03/2018 17:25

Firstly, they have probably skways thought about moving eg to the coast or countryside and suddenly realised it’s now or never, but they will need to accept they will see you less. You should have lived where suited you. You and SIL and your respective DHs should not rely on others to prop up your family. If you weren’t able to support the number of children either practically or financially you should have decided accordingly. Are they moving to get some peace and space?

Mishappening · 08/03/2018 17:30

Wait till you are in your 80s and see how you feel!

I think we all feel young inside as we age and and the passing years are a source of amazement.

Cut them a bit of slack.

RB68 · 08/03/2018 17:31

I get it - they are being selfish. They know they will need help and actively choose to move away from where they currently live close to both of you. They still expect you to drop everything and run when needed.

My Mum had a bad fall at home in the last few weeks, she has fractured t12 and is in dire straights she is 2 hrs from me. One sister is in Jersey a Brother in Ireland 2 others closer to her but own young family and other commitments - another sister an hr away but she teaches. I ended up doing 40 hrs no sleep due to need for someone in hospital with her 24/7 and then at home the same. Even with help from others at different times it still falls hard - my DD is 12 and pretty self sufficient but I work too. Its bloody hard work. I cld do with doing another week up there - not sure I can really we shall see. Frustrating - we situated ourselves half way MIL and my parents, they both expect our help. DH only child as well.

Bluelady · 08/03/2018 17:54

Another cautionary tale. Friend's parents go to live in Cornwall - 400 miles away - to live out their remaining years in peace. They were in their early 80s. Two years in he dies. She's still independent and all's well for a while.

Fast forward to now. She's 102, lives in the middle of nowhere and is immobile. The house is unmortgageable (forever home so no survey) and can't be sold. My friend now spends a week every month down there because he loves her and couldn't sleep at night if he didn't look after her. This has been going on for about five years now.

Jenna43 · 08/03/2018 18:08

So you don't want your in-laws to move away because it's further for you to travel, basically? Is that your issue? I honestly can't work out what you want from them. They're in their 80s, you and your DH have lives of your own, lots of people live far away from their elderly parents

HmmHmmHmm So you don't think that maybe...just maybe that it could be rather inconvenient for the PIL that if they need any kind of help from OP and their children, that it would be easier for everyone if they were more local and not a few hours away? Help could reach them quicker if they were local. You really really need that pointing out to you? I despair of Mumsnet lately, wtf has happened on here, people coming onto threads and just trying to be as bloody awkward as they can.

anxiousmumtobe33 · 08/03/2018 18:10

People are assuming that the PIL haven't even considered that they might need help as they get older.

Maybe they have? Maybe the place they're moving to has decent services/support in place? Because god knows most London boroughs are so overstretched that you couldn't get help if you needed it.

jcsp · 08/03/2018 18:11

Been there, had similar conversations.

My parents moved across the country after me, my brother and sister had all married and settled nearish where we had all grown up.

Wind the clock forward 30 years and I spent every Friday night on the M62 driving across the country for a year and returning Sat or Sunday.

This was because my parents stubbornly thought they could manage.

I had been in trouble with my parents a few years earlier for questioning what will you do when you can’t drive? What about moving Into your other house, (a holiday let that’s next to my brother)

It’s too small, we can manage where we are.

And who was right?

We did move them, . Neither could drive nor walk the mile or so to the bus stop. Not that there were many busses. No shop or doctor in their village. They had to move.

They should have gone several years before.

Lessons for us all.

Bluelady · 08/03/2018 18:15

There are no decent support services anywhere. That's why families are so important. God help any old person who hasn't got one.

mimibunz · 08/03/2018 18:15

It sounds like they want to spend the time they have left exactly how they want to. I don’t see the problem with that.

Bluelady · 08/03/2018 18:17

You won't have to look after them, will you?

CPtart · 08/03/2018 19:06

Of course they have the right to live where they want, as long as they have the local social services number for arranging (and paying for!) care and support on a regular basis as they need it, and as a point of contact when a crisis hits.
PIL with pots of money refuse to consider a downstairs loo or stairlift, yet MIL continues to pull herself precariously up and downstairs with crutches. I guarantee they'll ring DH an hour away when the inevitable fall happens.
Its all rather selfish, and partly the reason A&E is a revolving door for elderly people failing to prepare adequately for their old age and falling about all over the place in unsuitable living accomodation.
Photos though are irrelevant, and your SIL attitude to expectations of help is ridiculous.

crunchymint · 08/03/2018 21:58

CPtart I have seen this with a number of older friends in terms of not accepting stair lifts, etc. It is because they struggle to accept they are getting that old.
A&E revolving from elderly people is more usually due to a lack of suitable social care. And more and more elderly people will have no family younger than them.

CPtart · 09/03/2018 06:14

....and also their refusal to accept/pay for social care. Saw that for many years as a district nurse.
It's fine to struggle to accept getting old, as long as you're prepared to accept the consequences and realise that family such as the OP may 'struggle' to drop everything and spend hours chasing up and down the motorway.

CPtart · 09/03/2018 06:18

And as an ageing population of every generation, they are highly likely to have family younger than them. Just maybe not living in as close proximity these days, which compounds the problem as per OP's argument.

nannybeach · 09/03/2018 07:53

Alwaya been aware of my own mortality, DM died young, been nursing over 40 years, (that will do it to you!) moved downsized bought the bungalow near the sea, 40 miles from nearest DC I babysit for, NO, not because of frail health, or in touch with our inner mortality, because we have a 6th of acre garden to work in!

Original poster
Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/03/2018 08:37

I have talked to my PIL about what provisions they have made. They have not made any. When I also then questioned why they were going to move even further away from us, to a place where they have no friends or relatives, well that was when MIL said you will have to come and look after us.
My parents were 'hippy generation'. I have a close relationship with both and they warned me in an informative way, how much having children might impact on my career/that I might end with teenage children and having to look after them. None of that has happened, they are both 70 and apart from back and knee issues - in very good health. I'm saying they never expected grandchildren, and when the GC did arrive they have actually been amazing and offered loads of support and free childcare. I never expected or expect that of them. I think my DSIL did because she was always being asked to provide grandchildren. So her expectations were different. I did wonder, she has a 1 year old and a 4 year old, what kind of childcare/support she expected having children when her parents were in their 80s. She was nearly 45 when she had her second DC. It's a strange family I have married into, even DH sticks his head in the sand. I'm only venting, I don't expect advice. I'm going to take your lovely comments and realise I'm not alone in my concerns.

OP posts: