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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this a bit disturbing...

92 replies

Madonnasbiggestfan · 08/03/2018 12:23

My MIL and FIL's weird refusal to accept the fact they have aged - and are now in their 80s.
For example: my MIL and FIL refuse to have a family portrait sitting. I was trying to persuade them because FIL is unwell and wanted my DC (10 and 4) to have a picture of their grandparents. In their house there are no pictures taken after 1984 - when DH was 14. It's like time stood still; they would have been early 50s as they had their children quite late.
Also they are selling up their house and moving further away from us; when DH said to his mum 'what happens if you get unwell like dad' he was told we will have to go and see them. IT's not as if they didn't actively encourage both DH and his sister to have children and live near and in London! My parents actively warned me about having children, but my DH was put under pressure. Now they don't want to live near us or their daughter (who also has younger children). I know I can't change their minds but I'm worried because my FIL is quite sick and we are preparing for the worst. How do I reconcile myself to the fact we might end up spending hours and hours on the motorway...
DH is close emotinally to his parents but DSIL less so. In fact this whole thing has made her quite angry as she feels her parents don't want to help her.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just to rant really!

OP posts:

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 09/03/2018 08:55

I'm wondering how you phrased your request for a portrait of them to help your children remember them when they are DEAD. Which they SOON WILL BE.

Also if they are so old and decrepit and octogenarian, should anyone be expecting them to help much with the grandchildren?

Original poster

Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/03/2018 09:40

Tawdry I'm not but my DSIL is = this is what worries me. My FIL, SIL and MIL are all not facing up to the situation, which got worse yesterday by the way.

OP posts:

Swirlingasong · 09/03/2018 09:40

Op, I sympathise. We are in a similar situation. My parents are a similar age to yours, Dh's in their 80s. We live about 4 hours drive from DH's parents as does his sibling. They won't accept or ask for help from anyone but us. They also live in a house where time has stood still.

It is hard and if they had wilfully moved so that we had this journey, I would also be upset. But, when I am feeling calm I can rationalise it: they have both always lived in the same area, as did their parents and generations before them. They simply have no concept that anyone but us could look after us, nor of how much of a struggle that is at a distance (MiL tells me how hard it was having to catch two different buses to get to her parents in their old age). The timewarp house can feel excluding, as if they are not acknowledging that you, your children are also part of their family (I wonder if this is why the photograph thing really upsets you?), but in my IL's case I think it is because the period in which their own children were small and at home was genuinely the most joyful few years of their life. I'm not sure I can blame them for finding it hard to let go of that. I try to take the force of their love for DH as an example while working out ways DH can continue to find life as fulfilling once the nest is empty. It is hard though.

Original poster

Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/03/2018 09:47

By the way I have pictures of my MIL and FIL with my two DC, the portrait would be so there was one of them with SIL's two children (their other grandchildren). A whole family portrait.
Swirling I wonder if this is why the photograph thing really upsets you?
I think it might be, also my SIL has never really been that friendly to me either, and I'm constantly trying to get in her good books. And hoping the portrait idea might. But maybe there's nothing I can do... My own family and life is happy and fulfilling but I still have my issues and I've got that 'got to fix things' from when parents broke up. It's got better but with my ILs I feel I still can help. Maybe time to accept I can't. And there is no way I can be travelling down there. My own mum is about to have double knee replacement (they are doing both because the waiting list is so horrific) so I need to be here for her. She still works F/T as well. My dad lives in Spain half the year, so I don't have to worry about him so much.

OP posts:

Swirlingasong · 09/03/2018 09:57

Oh Madonna, yes, let go. My SiL can be lovely but was vile to me when DH and I got married, even on our wedding day. I felt so unwanted (not by DH!) btuu you know, I married DH, not his family. You can't fix things for them, just step back and accept this is something for your DH and his sister.

Bluelady · 09/03/2018 09:58

OP, this sounds very cruel but maybe things getting worse is a blessing in disguise. The worse things get, the less likely the move, particularly if all of you refuse (nicely) to facilitate it in any way. It might be helpful to show your husband this thread so he can see how it might be if they move.

Original poster

Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/03/2018 10:50

the thing is my SIL has support from her ILs, who are always bashing FIL and MIL (not to their face) for choosing to live further away. Obviously SIL has played on this a bit 'her parents not being able to help'. Because she and her DH will leave their very young children with the ILs for days on end - often long weekends. As I said they are 1 and 4; so she really doesn';t ahve too much to complain about. I wish I could tell her this. In fact I might try and find a way to do so Blue showing him this might be a good idea...

OP posts:

Bluelady · 09/03/2018 10:57

Hope it helps. There are plenty of us here who know all about the ever increasing mercy dashes and how much harder it is for everyone if a long journey is involved.

pudcat · 09/03/2018 11:04

Because she and her DH will leave their very young children with the ILs for days on end - often long weekends. As I said they are 1 and 4;
Perhaps this why they are moving

Original poster

Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/03/2018 11:18

pud SIL did leave her oldest DC with her parents (MIL and FIL) for a few days a couple of summers ago. I was working full time in the city at that time and we had gone to stay with MIL and FIL, when SIL found out we would be there with our DC (me taking a very rare break) she then decided that was the time for her (then 18 month old) DC to stay. I ended looking after her. MIL did put her to bed - but insisted on leaving her crying (not controlled crying) I said we needed to go in and comfort the baby, but MIL said SIL said not to. I had to sit with MIL and hold her hand while the baby cried it out. Horrible!! Still I'm now dumping here aren't I!

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 09/03/2018 12:31

OP, the crux of it you still haven't answered though!

When I also then questioned why they were going to move even further away from us, to a place where they have no friends or relatives, well that was when MIL said you will have to come and look after us.

So what did you say in reply at this point? That's the nub of it. Because the really obvious answer is 'But we can't MIL, that's why I'm asking about your fall backs. We can't, because it's too far to come in an emergency and too far to come at all on a regular basis SO WE CAN'T' .

I think from your replies I actually know that you didn't say this and a reply was more along the lines of, ho hum, well um, let's talk about something else. In which case, yes you're going to have problems ahead and it would be a really really good idea to get together with SIL now and make it clear to them that they will not be able to rely on you as their fall back help.

TatianaLarina · 09/03/2018 12:52

It’s difficult to have that kind of conversation if FIL is seriously ill. Telling MIL you can’t visit will simply upset her and she probably won’t take it in. If FIL doesn’t recover the move might be off the table anyway.

Bluelady · 09/03/2018 12:56

You can have all the discussions you like, you can say you can't be fall back so many times you're boring yourself. Ultimately, when the shit hits the fan, you will be the fall back because there's no alternative if you have a modicum of love for them or any kind of conscience.

PeppersTheCat · 09/03/2018 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeppersTheCat · 09/03/2018 13:10

wrong thread, sorry. Have reported.

TatianaLarina · 09/03/2018 13:12

Being a fall back is one thing, it’s inevitable that they will be. But an every day level of attention and visits, they actually physically won’t be able to do that. But PIL won’t listen. One has to hope FIL illness is a wake up call (if it isn’t final).

AlmaCogansFrockFan · 09/03/2018 18:36

I'm hazarding a guess that neither of them have been involved in the care of an elderly parent - that certainly removes any blinkers about the problems that can arise. My poor DPILs had their heads in the sand about preparing for future eventualities, but even though their DD2 persuaded them to move closer to her in a retirement flat they resisted outside help until it became unavoidable.

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