Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit disturbing...

92 replies

Madonnasbiggestfan · 08/03/2018 12:23

My MIL and FIL's weird refusal to accept the fact they have aged - and are now in their 80s.
For example: my MIL and FIL refuse to have a family portrait sitting. I was trying to persuade them because FIL is unwell and wanted my DC (10 and 4) to have a picture of their grandparents. In their house there are no pictures taken after 1984 - when DH was 14. It's like time stood still; they would have been early 50s as they had their children quite late.
Also they are selling up their house and moving further away from us; when DH said to his mum 'what happens if you get unwell like dad' he was told we will have to go and see them. IT's not as if they didn't actively encourage both DH and his sister to have children and live near and in London! My parents actively warned me about having children, but my DH was put under pressure. Now they don't want to live near us or their daughter (who also has younger children). I know I can't change their minds but I'm worried because my FIL is quite sick and we are preparing for the worst. How do I reconcile myself to the fact we might end up spending hours and hours on the motorway...
DH is close emotinally to his parents but DSIL less so. In fact this whole thing has made her quite angry as she feels her parents don't want to help her.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just to rant really!

OP posts:
honeyroar · 08/03/2018 14:33

Well, you've tried to speak to them about it. They ultimately have the decision. It's very frustrating, I expect. You could research age concern groups in that area, care agencies and other options that they/you may need to use if they're too far away for you to help on a day to day basis. Make up a folder "for emergencies". You will also all have to say no at times, point out that they're too far for people to come and they'll have to cope themselves. Hard, but if there is a distance that's the way it will have to be.

Bluelady · 08/03/2018 14:37

You might have already sad this and I've missed it, but why d they want to move, OP?

fusushumi · 08/03/2018 14:39

MY father and his wife (not my mother) live 200 miles away. A few years ago when they were 88 and 82 respectively, we implored them to move closer to us so that we could help them in their declining years. They refused to do so and now 4 year later, at 92 & 86 they are considerably frailer and it is very difficult to offer the level of support they need. So I have some sympathy with you OP in that this is the sort of predicament you are presumably trying to avoid.

Kingsclerelass · 08/03/2018 14:44

The other reason they are moving could be they don't want to live near London any more, reasonable if they no longer work.

And by moving they may be realising some equity from their house that they can use to enjoy life, or for professional care.

Your DH has queried their move, and they've chosen to go ahead so I think you just have to let it go. In the end, you can provide advice.

Iloveacurry · 08/03/2018 14:47

Yes it’s their life etc etc ... but it’s very selfish of them to move further away from you and SIL and expect help!

Original poster
Madonnasbiggestfan · 08/03/2018 14:48

I am worried about them being so far away now they are old and unwell!
I had children despite my parents warning me, but I'm saying that in comparison my SIL was told in her mid 30s by her mum -my MIL - that she should go to a sperm bank so they could have grandchildren. They were that determined to have them. Particularly from their daughter. DH and I never felt that pressure - but he is their son so it may be different.
The expectation was that MIL would look after SIL's children so she could get on with her career - it was all laid down. Then when she had them, they hardly ever visited. So yes, that's why I'm venting.I feel for my SIL and for my DH...

OP posts:
SEsofty · 08/03/2018 14:48

You need to let it go and be clear to everyone, including DH, that you won't be able to provide regular visits or support.

Maybe you and he could agree now how often to visit them

Bluelady · 08/03/2018 14:52

That's all well and good in theory but in reality, if their son cares about them, there will be a crisis at some point and much hammering up and down the motorway will happen. We quite deliberately stayed within a 20 minute drive of my parents. I have to say they sound completely bonkers.

MerlinsScarf · 08/03/2018 14:56

On the portrait issue, I can understand both points of view. My now late relatives didn't really like seeing photos of themselves in later years because they didn't look like themselves. They found it hard to reconcile this image of a much older, frail person with the self image they had held throughout younger years and middle age, and I think they actually found it quite upsetting.

But then, as younger relations we want to be able to treasure memories of beloved parents and grandparents. I would suggest taking some nice informal family photos on your phone when you next visit, low pressure but arranged as nicely as you can (perhaps you have already tried this though).

I don't know if this is helpful or not, I hope so but your family's personalities may be quite different.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 08/03/2018 14:59

Some of the replies on here are hilarious- of course the OP's post is about her feelings, it's written by her! There's some people on here who do nothing but snark...

Unfortunately OP there are some older people, and in 80's is older in terms of likelihood of illness/bereavement, that find it very hard to face up to what's likely to happen. I've seen it happen a lot around me- active fit older people sprightly up to 80 odd but then they do often hit a wall of decline, even in small ways (e.g like skin doesn't heal so well, arthritis prevents walking as much) as well as the big illnesses. It is annoying that they are not planning for and taking account of this and just are burying their head in the sand.

I think you have to encourage your husband to be matter of fact about it- decide what is a reasonable amount of time to spend there per month and that will be that. It is easy to say this, and what will probably happen is you do end up living on the motorway or trying to arrange carers from afar or not being able to help with day to day activities and that is stressful and frustrating for all concerned- and will negatively affect them.

Some of the choices my elderly relatives have made in the past few years have worked very well (mainly being very close to relatives!), others, who refused to move from their large houses and thought everyone would come to them are still cared for, but it has been incredibly stressful all round to the point some of the caring children have almost had a breakdown- as they are still working and trying to live their lives whilst caring for really quite elderly parents.

To deliberately move out of the way of help in mid-80's is willfully blind to the coming future, it really is, especially as already they are expecting you to rock up and start caring, just farther away and in a way that will make it harder to live your lives.

anxiousmumtobe33 · 08/03/2018 14:59

Why did your parents 'warn' you about having kids? I don't understand that at all.

anxiousmumtobe33 · 08/03/2018 15:01

Also did SiL actually use the sperm bank? Does she have children?

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 08/03/2018 15:01

They are getting too old to care for children, though- my grand-ma was hands on at 80, really not so much so and certainly couldn't care for children just a year or two later. The caring burden is reversing and they are just singing 'lalala' with their fingers in their ears.

anxiousmumtobe33 · 08/03/2018 15:05

So you don't want your in-laws to move away because it's further for you to travel, basically? Is that your issue? I honestly can't work out what you want from them. They're in their 80s, you and your DH have lives of your own, lots of people live far away from their elderly parents.

IStillMissBlockbuster · 08/03/2018 15:07

OP, I don't understand why you keep saying you had kids despite your parents warning you. Why were they warning you? It sounds like you're blaming your in laws for their adult offspring having children of their own? What's it to do with anything? Very confusing.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/03/2018 15:08

Your update Shock

You really should tell your SIL to tell them 'Sorry, I'm too busy looking after the children you were desperate for me to have, promised you'd help with, and then left me to it with. Call your district nurse!'

not really, but bit Angry for you!

Bluelady · 08/03/2018 15:09

They do indeed. And it makes life very difficult for them. These threads are really illuminating, you can immediately see who has experience of the situation and who hasn't.

DeathStare · 08/03/2018 15:09

I see three issues here:

The family portrait - some people like them, others don't. Some people consider them a ridiculous waste of money. Your DC don't need a formal portrait of them. Just take snaps on your phone when you visit.

Moving away - maybe they want to spend whatever time they have left enjoying life. Good for them. All you can do is make it clear that you won't usually be able to drop everything to go and help them. They're adults, it's their choice.

Your SIL - anyone who has DC just because their DM told them to is an idiot. Lots of DP wants grandkids. That's not a good enough reason to procreate.

Bluelady · 08/03/2018 15:11

What can't you bloody edit?! My reply was to Anxious.

Chienrouge · 08/03/2018 15:12

With FIL’s health as it is, they wouldn’t be able to help with SIL’s children anyway, would they?
Why did your parents warn you about having kids?
You’re not unreasonable to be annoyed at being expected to travel further to look after them.

anxiousmumtobe33 · 08/03/2018 15:13

Blue I live three hours away from my elderly DF. My DM is dead. So don't assume too much.

Bluelady · 08/03/2018 15:17

Is your dad in his 80s or 90s, Anxious?

anxiousmumtobe33 · 08/03/2018 15:17

80s. And he has diabetes and HBP.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/03/2018 15:26

Hope this doesn't derail too much but, Crunchymint... awareness of your own mortality and starting to wind down your life at FIFTY? FFS.

OP, I see your point but I also see theirs about wanting to choose where they live.

BrendasUmbrella · 08/03/2018 15:27

Well if you can't help them when they need it, you can't help. And make that clear straight away, don't head off in the car every time they snap their fingers. They can't move far away from you and intend to be reliant on you as well.