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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be as angry as I am about this competitive tiredness from DH?

81 replies

thegermanswritethebest · 07/03/2018 21:17

DH works nights. Always has done. He' leaves the house by 8pm and is back at 9am. Even on his days off he keeps in this rhythm because it's easier. He gets up occasionally during the day so that he can "see" the DC. But that means look at them while I run around after them, and he sits on the sofa , eats a sandwich, watches TV and then eventually goes back to sleep.

We have three DC - 3yo, 18mo and a newborn. 18mo has a disability so has to be checked a lot in the night. I have had my fair share of sleep deprivation over the past few years, including illness where I have been floored by tiredness and it has really affected my mental health as we have no childcare. 3 year old goes to nursery a couple of mornings a week, but I have the other DC to look after when she goes. Currently all three are ill with the same thing and I think I have managed about three hours of sleep in the last 48 hours.

DH refuses to acknowledge any of this, seemingly out of fear that by acknowledging it he will be chipping away at his long held crown as the one who is sacrificing everything for us, the main breadwinner, the REAL martyr in all of this, and the REAL one who has no sleep.

He has no idea, and no desire to know, what my physical experience is. Of being pregnant. He had no interest in my experience of pregnancy, still expected me to do the things I normally do, all through morning sickness and right up to the point of being in labour, he offered no help with the DC. He has no idea of my experience of being up a lot in the night and up all day too. Of having periods of almost non-stop torturous awake time which makes me physically ill. And then no respite when I actually do get ill from it. And of being alone with the kids, all day, all night with no adult company or conversation.

Luckily we do have relatives nearby who I can call on in situations of dire emergency, but those times are a rarity and it would have to be really bad to get to that. It's my backstop though, and I am grateful for it, as I know many other people do not have a backstop.

But it's the principle of this and the unfairness that I feel angry about. It's the arrogance of it. We all have to be quiet during the day while he sleeps and then when he gets up he wants to be treated like a King.

I am so resentful that I am losing respect for him.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 07/03/2018 21:21

Has he never offered to stay up for a while to let you get some sleep when they've all been ill?

Got to say I can't see how you'd be worse off for help on your own.

anotherusername12 · 07/03/2018 21:23

yanbu
It sounds like you really need a break... and some sleep.
I wouldn't even attempt to reason this with him until you've been able to take a step back and get a small amount of respite including a decent kip. You are running on empty and you will do yourself in mentally and physically if you don't do something and quick.
Can your relative take your kids overnight? Can you even farm them out to spread the load?
I wouldn't even worry about going away or a spa. I'd have a hot bath, a gin, some chocolate and bed early.
A good sleep will put you in a much better position to tackle the real problem.
Your dh is an arsehole!
He needs to walk in your shoes for a bit!!

Crapuccino · 07/03/2018 21:24

Based on this post, of course YANBU, but I suppose I am wondering two things: (1) why you carried on having children with him after the first one if he’s such a non-participating parent, and (2) what strategies you’ve gone through to try to communicate with him about how you’re feeling. If what you say is true and he’s so fragile that his self-esteem will be shattered by the merest suggestion that he is not King Of Martyrdom then I think your marriage already has quite some issues that need working on.

Dontoutmenow · 07/03/2018 21:26

Of course YANBU. For the second time today, I’m going to recommend the Facilitated Husbands thread over in Feminism.

JennyOnAPlate · 07/03/2018 21:26

It sounds like you're effectively a single parent. If you actually left him things would be the same as they are now but without the resentment.

jaseyraex · 07/03/2018 21:31

Losing respect for him? I'm surprised you have any for him in the first place. I'm surprised you've had 3 children with this man, especially if he's been like this since the beginning!

Honestly, tell him how much you are struggling. Discuss the option of him finding a job in daytime hours so that he can actually help you parent your children. If talking to him is really going to chip at his crown as you say, then you'd be better off on your own quite frankly. You pretty much already are. What you've described does not sound like a marriage.

UnimaginativeUsername · 07/03/2018 21:34

If he’s up between 8pm and 9am in his days off, why isn’t he doing the nights with the children?

FluffyWuffy100 · 07/03/2018 21:35

I’m continually shocked at the number of women who have a child with a man who turns out to be a bit of a shit parent/partner... and then go on to have more!

anotherusername12 · 07/03/2018 21:38

@FluffyWuffy100 @jaseyraex those comments aren't helpful. It doesn't matter to you why she kept on having kids with him... she can't change that and I'm sure she wouldn't for a minute. The kids are here!
She needs support in dealing with her situ.
If you can't say anything helpful, don't say anything!

NewIdeasToday · 07/03/2018 21:40

Why did you decide to have three kids so very close together if you know he doesn’t help you?

Some of the partners talked about on Mumsnet sound awful. But why do women not only put up with it, but keep having more kids?

EggysMom · 07/03/2018 21:46

If he keeps to the same night-shift rhythm even on his 'days' off, then there must be one or perhaps two nights per week where he is bold awake but not at work. Those are the nights when he can take over the nightcare of the children, and you can have a damn good sleep - with the help of earplugs if necessary. You could even leave him a list of quieter chores to complete, such as cleaning (not vacuuming) and sorting washing.

jaseyraex · 07/03/2018 21:46

@anotherusername12 I did say something helpful though. Telling her to pawn her kids off on anyone that will take them and have a good nights sleep won't change the fact that her husband is a useless prat! That's what she needs to deal with.

forcryinoutloud · 07/03/2018 21:46

Good grief you poor thing, your DH sounds like a piece of work. YANBU!

Even on his days off he keeps in this rhythm because it's easier. Yes, easier for him, not you.

OP I was nursing and doing regular night shifts when my DC were young, I know the relentless tiredness of both sides of it but at least with night shifts per se, you get time off (as your DH obviously does), as a mother you do not have that luxury, it's 24/7 grind. I'm not surprised you are angry, I would be livid.

Can I ask how many nights/days off at a time he gets? If he is getting a few he could manage realistically to get up during daylight hours and spend some proper time with the children and ease your burden? it seems utterly ridiculous that he doesn't. You need to seriously think about having any more children with him if you don't mind me saying. If he doesn't change and there is no option of him doing day shifts it sounds like a miserable life.

anotherusername12 · 07/03/2018 21:48

@jaseyraex 🙄
I didn't tell her to pawn them off on anyone! I asked if her family can help. The first thing she needs is a clear mind if she is to deal with this effectively. Only sleep will support that

QuiteLikely5 · 07/03/2018 21:52

I’m furious on your behalf.

Stop allowing this man to treat you so appallingly.

You need sleep and tell him you want it tonight and it’s high time you had a night off

Don’t take no for an answer

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 07/03/2018 21:53

When he is doing his unnecessary night shift at home, he can do homeusework, paperwork, ironing.

My friend stopped maternity leave early as it was so much less stressful to be at work.

SuperBeagle · 07/03/2018 21:54

YABU for choosing to have three children with a man whose character you knew.

SecondaryConfusion · 07/03/2018 21:57

If he’s up at night when he’s not at work, why isn’t he covering he childcare? Does he see that as his time off? When does he think you get any time off?

NapQueen · 07/03/2018 21:57

Presumably two of the nights he is off and stays awake overnight? Therefore he has two nights when he can do ironing/batch cooking/tend to any night wakings/hell even go and do a big shop if you are close to a 24h suprmarket.

He is a shirker.

TotHappy · 07/03/2018 21:58

Never mind why, HOW did you manage three kids so close when do you have time to copulate?! Never mind, I digress.
Your husband sounds like a dick. Maybe he doesn't realise quite how much of a dick he's being. After some couples counselling which was desperately needed after i had got to a very low point (and so had he, i found out afterwards), we are communicating a bit better and although he can still act like a selfish twat, my dh is less selfish bow. I was surprised at how much the advice to take what i want, put more responsibility on him, stop making myself responsible for his moods, actually helped. I hadn't realised how much i was colluding with his helpless unhelpfulness.
for you

PoorYorick · 07/03/2018 21:59

Why does he think he gets no sleep?

BewareOfDragons · 07/03/2018 22:00

... and yet you keep having children with him.

What did you think was going to happen? You surely knew what he was like after the first pregnancy and child ... and you've had two more anyway!

Honestly. Tell him to sort himself out and throw in like a decent parent and human being. Tell him you need to pay for help if he won't step up. What's the point of him being there if he does fuck all?

LannieDuck · 07/03/2018 22:00

Why doesn't he do the overnights on his weekends?

And if he's used to going to bed at 9am, that means he could also do the early-morning kiddie-shift while you have a weekend lie-in?

Runningbutnotscared · 07/03/2018 22:01

I’m afraid I’m also wondering why you would go on to have a third child with someone you knew wouldn’t help/change his ways/give you any respect?
To have two children with someone who doesn’t care for how tired you are is unfortunate, to have three is careless.

MuncheysMummy · 07/03/2018 22:01

Why on earth have 3 children so close together when you have no help or support whatsoever never mind anyone co parenting, he's a lazy arse of course but why put yourself through that?

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