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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be as angry as I am about this competitive tiredness from DH?

81 replies

thegermanswritethebest · 07/03/2018 21:17

DH works nights. Always has done. He' leaves the house by 8pm and is back at 9am. Even on his days off he keeps in this rhythm because it's easier. He gets up occasionally during the day so that he can "see" the DC. But that means look at them while I run around after them, and he sits on the sofa , eats a sandwich, watches TV and then eventually goes back to sleep.

We have three DC - 3yo, 18mo and a newborn. 18mo has a disability so has to be checked a lot in the night. I have had my fair share of sleep deprivation over the past few years, including illness where I have been floored by tiredness and it has really affected my mental health as we have no childcare. 3 year old goes to nursery a couple of mornings a week, but I have the other DC to look after when she goes. Currently all three are ill with the same thing and I think I have managed about three hours of sleep in the last 48 hours.

DH refuses to acknowledge any of this, seemingly out of fear that by acknowledging it he will be chipping away at his long held crown as the one who is sacrificing everything for us, the main breadwinner, the REAL martyr in all of this, and the REAL one who has no sleep.

He has no idea, and no desire to know, what my physical experience is. Of being pregnant. He had no interest in my experience of pregnancy, still expected me to do the things I normally do, all through morning sickness and right up to the point of being in labour, he offered no help with the DC. He has no idea of my experience of being up a lot in the night and up all day too. Of having periods of almost non-stop torturous awake time which makes me physically ill. And then no respite when I actually do get ill from it. And of being alone with the kids, all day, all night with no adult company or conversation.

Luckily we do have relatives nearby who I can call on in situations of dire emergency, but those times are a rarity and it would have to be really bad to get to that. It's my backstop though, and I am grateful for it, as I know many other people do not have a backstop.

But it's the principle of this and the unfairness that I feel angry about. It's the arrogance of it. We all have to be quiet during the day while he sleeps and then when he gets up he wants to be treated like a King.

I am so resentful that I am losing respect for him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
missymayhemsmum · 07/03/2018 23:05

You are both overtired and resentful and competing for the who's tiredest crown. He probably thinks you do nothing but play with the kids while he works himself to death to support everyone. Neither of you are thinking straight.
Call in your backstop or a babysitter and get some kip. Both of you.

Xenadog · 07/03/2018 23:44

OP, you could have had 10 children with this man that is not the issue. The issue is between you two, you have 3 kids and he thinks he only has to go to work and he has done his bit for the family.

I’m sure he is working very hard but so are you and you don’t get to o’clock off. I think you need to sit him down and tell him that you are going to be properly ill - physically and mentally - and you aren’t going to be in a position to look after yourself let alone the kids, the house and him. He has to step up now, and permanently, because if not things will unravel.

I think this is the type of situation where an ultimatum is one of your few choices.

Viviennemary · 07/03/2018 23:51

If you got little help or support I don't really understand why you had three children so close together which would be hard for most people to cope with even with help. I don't know what you're expecting really. If you have three DC's under three and no help from your DH or paid help from a cleaner or nanny then life is going to be hard. But he should help at weekends.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/03/2018 23:59

Do you work at all?

He sounds awful. If I were you I'd look at how to manage without him in view of the fact that you already are.

Theresasmayshoes11 · 08/03/2018 00:02

Ffs yes agree but she can hardly push the kids back up again can she? They are here.

Op he’s staying in night rhythm to avoid parenting and he’s a useless lazy arse twat.

Have you actually really told him this isn’t on? Tell him he shapes up or he’s out and paying a shed load of maintenance but really this isn’t a loving partnership Is it? I would get legal advice

Viviennemary · 08/03/2018 00:22

A shed load of maintenance?? That's pie in the sky. Statutory maintenance isn't that much. Unless your DP is a very high earner.

MarthasGinYard · 08/03/2018 00:34

Bloody hell why did you keep on having dc??

ReanimatedSGB · 08/03/2018 00:48

He definitely needs to be contributing to domestic work and childcare on his nights off. Those are the nights he should be doing all the nighttime wakings, plus quiet cleaning, batch cooking etc.

Is there any possibility of him getting a daytime-hours job, or does he do something specialist that is only available at night? Or is the nightshift pay a lot more than he might get if he switched to days? It's very difficult to bring up kids with a parent who is on permanent nights, because it becomes harder for them to live their daytime hours in silence as they get older; they can never have friends round or watch a noisy TV show etc.

iwanttoeatallthecarbs · 08/03/2018 02:19

Christ LTB. What's the point of being with him? He's awful.

iwanttoeatallthecarbs · 08/03/2018 02:24

He must be fucking amazing at stirring the paint

Shadow666 · 08/03/2018 03:53

Don’t feel bad OP. I had 4 kids with my useless Ex. They manipulate you and the situation you are living in and you’re coping ok until you realize you aren’t really coping anymore and then you realize that the person who is supposed to love and take care of you really doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. At least that was how it was with me. Gradually the love turned to hate bit by bit until only hate remained.

I don’t know what to suggest. Being alone is hard but better than being with someone like that.

Oh, and the victim blamers on this thread can go fuck themselves. Did you really just come on the thread to kick the OP when she’s down. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you? Bitches!

StiltonSupreme · 08/03/2018 04:28

Have you explained how you feel to him OP? He needs to know exactly what you are going through - although he must be blind not to notice. I think you need to say that unless there are radical changes there needs to be a trial separation. At least then he will realise what you have to deal with when he has the DC to stay and you would probably get every other weekend off.

Shoxfordian · 08/03/2018 05:40

He's not contributing other than financially and he'd have to pay maintenance anyway if you split.

You're pretty much a single mother now so there'd be no practical difference in getting rid of him. He does seem like a waste of space.

I also think it was unwise to carry on having children with him but as someone said, you can't just push them back up! It is something to think about in future though.

userabcname · 08/03/2018 06:06

I really really cannot stand the mentality that if you don't go to work, you don't need to sleep. Of course you do! I am on mat leave and DH works FT but he still helps with night wake ups / lets me lie in at weekends / makes sure I nap because otherwise I would go stark raving insane from lack of sleep and end up ill. You need to tell your husband that either he steps up, parents his children and lets you sleep or you are leaving. I would not put up with that shit for one second longer. He sounds like a selfish twat.

pictish · 08/03/2018 06:33

God almighty this ‘set up’ sounds fucking awful! He rules the roost does he not? What a selfish arsehole he seems to be. What are you getting out of this relationship?

givemesteel · 08/03/2018 06:59

He can still help out even if he's nocturnal during weekends, with when babies are awake at night, with housework, doing breakfast for all of them so you can have a lie in. Have you asked him to?

But... I just do want to point out that working nights is horrible, it's dreadful for your health (read up on a the diseases it's linked to, it's linked to dying early). Quite apart from the fact that he must miss out on so much from not being awake when everyone else is - when does he do anything nice and fun for himself?

I know you don't get to either, but you love your kids, I'm sure they're lovely and you can do fun stuff with them although it's hard work. I know he could spend more time with them but if he's not up in the day he would only get to do the functional parenting stuff not the fun stuff.

I am not excusing him doing nothing (he could do more as above) by any means but the responses are all very one sided at the moment. He is making a huge sacrifice for his family by working long hours and jeopardising his health by working nights.

If he's 'always done it' and you love him I would be talking to him about whether he can change to a different career for the sake of his long term health as well as your marriage. It sounds like you need a wholesale change.

I'm not saying that you don't have a tough time but I'd rather be in your shoes than his, I couldn't stand working nights and effectively living my whole life in darkness and never being awake the same time as everyone else. (I have a 3 Yr old and newborn so I don't have the 3rd kid but have some idea of what you're going through).

Whatshallidonowpeople · 08/03/2018 07:06

Why did you have 3 kids with him? He must have always been like this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/03/2018 07:40

Night work sounds awful both for the person doing it and the partner. Dh did it for a week at work through choice. He’s robust but he said he felt like he was just working and sleeping and it felt that way too for me. He was working longer hours and at home for 10/11 hours a day. This your set up with your husband and you but it’s long term.

I agree with others about setting up expectations for things he should be doing on his day off. Can you make it a priority to go away for a couple of days by yourself. I get you’ll want to take your newborn. But just him having your kids 24/7 for a couple of days will hopefully give him some new perspective.

Those, saying why have all those children. It wouldn’t have been my choice. But now they’re here, are you choosing to take control of contraception? No way would I be doing having sex with a man, who denies my basic biology, presence of pregnancy and post partum symptoms.

SilverySurfer · 08/03/2018 08:02

To posters knocking those asking why go on to have three children knowing how useless the DH is, it's a very valid question that is usually asked on the countless threads of this kind on here but I've never seen it answered. I don't get it either - if the DH is a lazy arse after one child, it's likely he will be the same after those that follow. It's also likely he was the same before the first child too.

SimonBridges · 08/03/2018 08:04

I agree Silvery, however it isn’t very helpful. It’s not like the op can send them back for a refund.

I’m just amazed that they saw each other for long enough to make 3 babies.

agbnb · 08/03/2018 08:09

It would be easier to be a single parent without him dragging you down, not helping raise his own kids, expecting to be applauded for creating a family life at your sacrifice.

Would you want this life for your daughter, OP?

You are teaching your children that this setup is Okay. And vaguely Normal.

It's not.

GabsAlot · 08/03/2018 10:02

ah yeah poor dh going to work coming home and getting mor than 8 hours sleep whilst op has to cope on a couple of hours

wtf

Jux · 08/03/2018 10:13

Well, all he contributes is money, and he can do that if he lives with his mum can't he? And then you'll get more offers of help, feel,better about accepting them, and you won't all be having to be quiet while he gets his sleep. And there'll be less resentment.

Tell him to go live with his mum and that CMS will be in touch. His contribution to family life is zilch and you're not going to be treading on eggshells around him any more.

Shadow666 · 08/03/2018 10:59

If you really want to know why women stay in abusive relationships, then there are plenty of books on the subject. If you think the OP isn’t in an abusive relationship, then you are being very short-sighted.

PoorYorick · 08/03/2018 11:18

ah yeah poor dh going to work coming home and getting mor than 8 hours sleep whilst op has to cope on a couple of hours

If he has to sleep in the day and there are three kids in the house, I really, really doubt he's getting a full eight hours of uninterrupted, blissful slumber.

Something clearly needs to change and OP is obviously on her knees with exhaustion. He needs to do something. But working nights is utter hell, even if you do get to sleep in the day. It's associated with all sorts of other health problems. So I would like to know his side of things.

Going on what we've got, I think the best thing would be for him to start working days, if that's an option (surely there must be a way) and splitting the nights/evenings like other couples.

This situation is clearly not sustainable but I don't think we have to head for LTB territory just yet. It sounds as though there are other possibilities to explore first.