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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be as angry as I am about this competitive tiredness from DH?

81 replies

thegermanswritethebest · 07/03/2018 21:17

DH works nights. Always has done. He' leaves the house by 8pm and is back at 9am. Even on his days off he keeps in this rhythm because it's easier. He gets up occasionally during the day so that he can "see" the DC. But that means look at them while I run around after them, and he sits on the sofa , eats a sandwich, watches TV and then eventually goes back to sleep.

We have three DC - 3yo, 18mo and a newborn. 18mo has a disability so has to be checked a lot in the night. I have had my fair share of sleep deprivation over the past few years, including illness where I have been floored by tiredness and it has really affected my mental health as we have no childcare. 3 year old goes to nursery a couple of mornings a week, but I have the other DC to look after when she goes. Currently all three are ill with the same thing and I think I have managed about three hours of sleep in the last 48 hours.

DH refuses to acknowledge any of this, seemingly out of fear that by acknowledging it he will be chipping away at his long held crown as the one who is sacrificing everything for us, the main breadwinner, the REAL martyr in all of this, and the REAL one who has no sleep.

He has no idea, and no desire to know, what my physical experience is. Of being pregnant. He had no interest in my experience of pregnancy, still expected me to do the things I normally do, all through morning sickness and right up to the point of being in labour, he offered no help with the DC. He has no idea of my experience of being up a lot in the night and up all day too. Of having periods of almost non-stop torturous awake time which makes me physically ill. And then no respite when I actually do get ill from it. And of being alone with the kids, all day, all night with no adult company or conversation.

Luckily we do have relatives nearby who I can call on in situations of dire emergency, but those times are a rarity and it would have to be really bad to get to that. It's my backstop though, and I am grateful for it, as I know many other people do not have a backstop.

But it's the principle of this and the unfairness that I feel angry about. It's the arrogance of it. We all have to be quiet during the day while he sleeps and then when he gets up he wants to be treated like a King.

I am so resentful that I am losing respect for him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Enterthedragons · 07/03/2018 22:02

I also have 3 children, 3 and under and it is absolutely exhausting. There’s no way I would’ve had 3 so close together if my DH was anything like yours, he sounds useless.

mantlepiece · 07/03/2018 22:08

How many nights off does he have? You should target those first. Get him to do night wakings and also breakfast and dress and do nursery run on that time off. You sleep! Once you feel well enough you can then discuss with him the way forward.

NoqontroI · 07/03/2018 22:08

It's not really very helpful to keep asking why she had 3 children. She did and they're here now. It's the problem with the husband that needs solving, not hashing over how things got to that. Op what is your husband doing on the nights that he is staying up to keep his 'routine'?

UnimaginativeUsername · 07/03/2018 22:11

What does he do on his nights off while you’re up with the kids?

BitOutOfPractice · 07/03/2018 22:11

So you're telling me that sometimes he is at home, awake at night (to keep his rhythm ) and it's still you that gets up to the kids, even though he is there and awake and you are on your knees with exhaustion?

How the actual fuck does he manage to square that circle?

MumW · 07/03/2018 22:14

It really doesn't sound like a partnership/marriage/family and I think you need to decide what sort of life you want with your DH. You appear to be effectively a single parent but with the downside of being a slave to DH.

I agree with PP who suggests that you need to catch up on some sleep in order to make any kind of rational decision.

I was going to suggest decamping to a Hotel on one of DH's nights off, leaving him to cope with the DCs but that might not be practical with a newborn so get some earplugs and make him responsible for a night or two. You should only be disturbed for b/f unless you can express.

If you want things to change then you are going to have to read him the riot act and stop enabling him to absolve himself from all responsibility. Counselling would help you get your point across.

Hope things improve soon. Flowers

anotherusername12 · 07/03/2018 22:16

Those of you continuing to judge her for having 3 kids... fuck off

SimonBridges · 07/03/2018 22:18

8pm to 9am is a hellishly long shift. What time off does he get?

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

spacecadet48 · 07/03/2018 22:19

Your not having a good experience. It sounds like your in a loveless relationship and you both live in the same house but he is like a lodger. For him to continue with his routine even when he is on a day off highlights their is a problem. What kind of life are you both having?
Sounds really miserable. I would be having a frank discussion about it. As your relationship isn't going to last as you will become more miserable and he will just become more disengaged. Sounds truly awful and I feel for you

timeisnotaline · 07/03/2018 22:20

How did you have any respect to lose? I used to work nights, the guys with kids got up to be with them for dinner bath etc, came
Into work and went home for breakfast with them. When needed they got up earlier for the school pick up, stayed up later for the drop off etc. They were part of a family. Your ‘d’h isn’t.

19lottie82 · 07/03/2018 22:20

What does he do when he’s awake, on his days off?

MammaTJ · 07/03/2018 22:21

How many nights a week is he working, how many nights 'staying in the experience'? Because, as someone who has worked nights and enjoyed family life, experienced it to the full, I want to know.

The discussion will start once I have this vital information!

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 07/03/2018 22:27

So.... he is never awake between 9am-8pm?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Do his kids even know him? Does he even know them?

OP, you're a saint. He needs to start pulling his way or the door is that way.

AlpacaLypse · 07/03/2018 22:27

So, he's effectively gone nocturnal. I met a couple of people a few years ago in France who had done this, mainly because they were nurses and their hospital put single HCPs on full year night shifts from time to time. So why isn't he stepping up to the plate on his 2 or 3 'days off'? - obviously they're actually nights off, but the important thing is they are long gaps off work. A bit of cleaning, washing up, running a load of washing, that sort of shite. Maybe cooking a meal and shoving it in the fridge for future reference.

ToffeeSauce · 07/03/2018 22:33

He sounds dreadful. I’m raging on your behalf.

LastOneDancing · 07/03/2018 22:36

Why isn't he looking for daytime work? I understand you often get paid a bit more for night shifts but FFS, it's damaging his family. Do you think it suits him to have it as an excuse to do fuck all?

If he won't even consider it, I'd think hard about whether him leaving would have a negative impact or whether it would mean a fifth less washing and potentially some peace and quiet while he had the children.

Tobythecat · 07/03/2018 22:36

Why do women do this? Continue having kids with useless men, why?! It's insane!

LeighaJ · 07/03/2018 22:37

thegermanswritethebest

Have you tried telling him exactly everything you just shared in your post?

Just because he doesn't want to know doesn't mean he shouldn't be told anyway.

LeighaJ · 07/03/2018 22:40

MuncheysMummy

"Why on earth have 3 children so close together when you have no help or support whatsoever never mind anyone co parenting, he's a lazy arse of course but why put yourself through that?"

That's not very helpful or constructive Confused as she can't unhave them nor I'm guessing would she want to. Hindsight's 20/20.

GabsAlot · 07/03/2018 22:40

erm he stays in his routine on his days off-so why cant he help then during the night

its not a competiton no hes using you to be his skivvy

my dh works nights 12 hour shifts but doesnt keep up the rotuine when hes home life carries on regardless how much bloody sleep your dh wants

AnUtterIdiot · 07/03/2018 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnUtterIdiot · 07/03/2018 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnathemaPulsifer · 07/03/2018 22:45

Are you really expected to get up in the night with your 18 month old when he's not at work and not sleeping?! He sounds awful and you sound desperate.

YANBU at all to be completely livid. He needs to step up and take part in family life.

Greyponcho · 07/03/2018 22:51

So he’s home 9am to 8 pm, that’s 11 hours. Sleep for 8.
What does he do with the other three? And wtf does he do when he’s awake but not working?! Confused

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 07/03/2018 22:55

Look, even if his actual shift is 8pm to 9am.

That means gets ready and leaves at 7pm. Gets home, showers, eats and is in bed at 10am. With 8 hrs sleep he is up at 6pm.

That gives him 2hrs family time daily when he can do something.

If he’s working 60 hrs a week consider downsizing. What’s better? A squashed house with the three kids sharing a room and DH working a normal 9-5 with weekends for family.

In the 1940s you could get quite a large family living in a 2up 2 down. I know we are not in the 40s but the point is his choice is work or family. He can’t have both the way he’s doing it.