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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL's birthday dinner

89 replies

bettinasofine · 07/03/2018 08:21

I'm fully prepared to be told that I am but here goes...

SIL is 40 next month and MIL has organised a birthday dinner for her at an inner city restaurant. my DH and I have a 4 year old DD and so does SIL. DH and I decided that we would leave our DD with my parents and go to SIL's dinner on our own. I'll be 37 weeks pregnant and fancy a relaxing night of adult company and no child to entertain. DH is in agreement. The restaurant is also not particularly child friendly. Anyway my SIL has a DD who is the same age as our DD and now MIL and SIL are furious that we aren't bringing our DD. If it was a lunch in a child friendly place then I'd bring her no bother but dinner in an upmarket restaurant at night is a no no for me.

AIBU to stand my ground and say children don't have to be included in EVERY adult event?

OP posts:
twobambinos · 07/03/2018 08:27

Yanbu

Eltonjohnssyrup · 07/03/2018 08:28

YABU. It’s a big event, her child is going and she is invited. It’s up to the host if an event is child free. 4 is old enough for the occasional late night and to know how to behave in a restaurant. It’s a bit rude for you to dictate things be rearranged for the daytime at that age.

Original poster
bettinasofine · 07/03/2018 08:30

What do you mean rearranged for the the daytime? The dinner is at 7:30 in the evening

OP posts:
JackieReacher · 07/03/2018 08:30

She's not dictating a thing! She's applying some highly reasonable parenting skills!

abigailsnan · 07/03/2018 08:32

YANBU In my mind and I am surprised your MIL & SIL feel the way they do I would not consider it at all.
Can they not see it is a chance for you and OH to enjoy an evening without worrying about your DD specially with you being so close to delivery and have the offer of your parents to babysit for you,a chance you won't have for a while.
If they are unreasonable why dont just you and OH go out on your own and enjoy time together on a date night.

Original poster
bettinasofine · 07/03/2018 08:32

Btw I should add that I'll be left with the entertaining of two bored 4 year olds as I'll be the only one not drinking 🙄

OP posts:
iTonya · 07/03/2018 08:33

YANBU

scaryteacher · 07/03/2018 08:34

The OP hasn't dictated anything Elton apart from the fact that she won't be taking her DD. I'm with you OP, and wouldn't be too thrilled if I was a customer there for a nice evening meal that a 4 year old was there if it wasn't a child friendly restaurant.

You do what you want OP, at 37 weeks, you won't want to be DD wrangling when she gets over tired or there's nothing she wants to eat on the menu.

CosmicSpider · 07/03/2018 08:34

I had the same scenario and I chose to leave my DS (same age) at home. The whole family were aghast that I did that because they wanted to see him as much as me and my DH. This just had not occurred to me. I consider a restaurant meal in the evening an adult affair.

I regret not taking him now, there were other children there. He would have been okay and it would not have been much in the grand scenery of things. Plus, it was 15 years ago and some family members still mention his absence as he is the only grandchild missing from the pictures.

So whilst I totally agree with you, I still think you should take him if the hosts are perceiving it to be a family affair.

Pikued · 07/03/2018 08:36

YANBU
They are being deliberately obtuse

Snugglepiggy · 07/03/2018 08:37

YANBU, especially as you have a reliable babysitter in your parents.And agree DCs so young don't need to be at every event.Our DCs are adults now.Most things they came to,but not evening meals in fancy restaurants until they were a lot older.But maybe I'm out of touch?DH has a big birthday this year, and when we book our favourite restaurant for a family meal it will be at lunchtime so the little ones in the family can join in.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 07/03/2018 08:38

YANBU at all, it's entirely your decision; it's not as if you're telling your SIL not to bring her DD.

4 isn't necessarily old enough to cope with a late dinner in a restaurant. My DD would have been fine, she'd have coloured happily and just gotten quieter as she got tireder. DS would have been a different story as he can't stay up past 7 even now, at 6, and as he gets overtired he starts to bounce around the place. If I had put him in that position at 4, everyone involved would have regretted it!

Neolara · 07/03/2018 08:39

I'm with you OP.

Original poster
bettinasofine · 07/03/2018 08:39

cosmic this did cross my mind but when DD and her cousin are together they are notoriously highly, silly, over the top and just bit annoying Grin my MIL thinks this is hilarious and in all honesty it is fine within the confines of her house or a soft play etc but in a nice restaurant with other diners it's just really irritating. And I know I'll be the one who is trying to peel them off the ceiling

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 07/03/2018 08:41

Sil is probably cross because she was relying on your dd to entertain hers, yanbu though, I wouldn't bring a child to an evening meal if I didn't have to

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/03/2018 08:41

Yanbu. It wouldn’t occur to me to take a 4 yo to an evening 40th birthday party.

However as it’s her birthday party and she wants your dd there, I’d probably change my plans and take her.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 07/03/2018 08:43

YANBU. My 4 yo is knackered by 7.30pm and acts like a lunatic when over tired. Something beginning at 7.30? So not likely to get to sleep until 10ish? No way. He would be beside himself. It's not fair on him or you.

ZacharyQuack · 07/03/2018 08:44

If SIL and MIL are going to make such a fuss, I'd rearrange my parents babysitting to a different night, and arrange a nice dinner out with DH. Then I'd plan on taking DD to SIL's dinner but sadly would not be able to attend myself due to a last minute illness. I'm sure MIL and DH would take good care of DD.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 07/03/2018 08:45

And yes, she would have been relying on your DS playing with her DD and not bothering her. But they will be overtired and not play happily or nicely - they will get into spats and there will be a lot of tears, and you will be the one to manage all this. Not really a pleasant prospect!

QueenDaisy · 07/03/2018 08:45

YANBU your SIL & MIL are BU. From what you’ve said, I think your SIL was counting on you taking care of the two 4 year olds while everyone else had a merry old time, now you can have a night off from childcare & she’ll have to look after her child. Do not change your mind Flowers

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 07/03/2018 08:46

Sorry- just seen your DS is not a DS!

KC225 · 07/03/2018 08:46

No way. I wouldn't do it, not at restaurant. At 4 my children would have been in bed and if up they would be tired and cranky. Realistically 7.30 reservations means you won't start eating until around 8.15 ish so the children would have to be fed earlier so they will just be picking at food and getting bored. I would have felt on edge and be clock watching until I could take them home. Let your DD have a lovely evening with her grandparents and you enjoy a lovely meal grown up meak before the birth of next child. I suspect they wanted your daughter to amuse theirs - hence the reason they are miffed.

AnarchyKitty · 07/03/2018 08:47

She probably only wants her there so you can babysit them both as you won't be drinking.
I'd hate to go to a restaurant for an evening meal with with two hyper four year olds at the next table. Fine if it's a harvester or something, but a restaurant that isn't really geared up to children, no.
Stand your ground, enjoy a night out without your DD for a change.
YANBU. She is.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 07/03/2018 08:47

Sil is probably cross because she was relying on your dd to entertain hers

Indeed.

I am absolutely down with taking small children to good restaurants, and did a lot of it. The kids did it a lot, from an early age, and it never went wrong. But we planned it with military precision: restaurants we knew reasonably well, always at lunchtime until they were considerably older, always with a Plan B if they were grizzly in the morning, always in places where we knew the service was efficient. We took a few risks later with places we didn't know, but by they they were eight or nine and well practiced.

Small, unfamiliar inner city restaurant late on a weekend night with a four year old? Not in a million years.

Minniemagoo · 07/03/2018 08:50

OP, I think you nailed it with the idea that you would be left childminding.
YANBU to want a child free night.