SIL's birthday dinner

[bettinasofine]

I'm fully prepared to be told that I am but here goes...

SIL is 40 next month and MIL has organised a birthday dinner for her at an inner city restaurant. my DH and I have a 4 year old DD and so does SIL. DH and I decided that we would leave our DD with my parents and go to SIL's dinner on our own. I'll be 37 weeks pregnant and fancy a relaxing night of adult company and no child to entertain. DH is in agreement. The restaurant is also not particularly child friendly. Anyway my SIL has a DD who is the same age as our DD and now MIL and SIL are furious that we aren't bringing our DD. If it was a lunch in a child friendly place then I'd bring her no bother but dinner in an upmarket restaurant at night is a no no for me.

AIBU to stand my ground and say children don't have to be included in EVERY adult event?

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, my dgs is 4 and whilst lovely generally, (not that I'm biased) he would not be after about 8.00pm. If there was another child to play and be silly with, well I shudder to think.
I don't know your family dynamics, obviously, but would your parents be willing to look after your dn as a one off for the special occasion so you could all have a childfree evening. As a grandparent I would probably agree, unless I knew your dn was a nightmare., Silliness and overexcitedness I could put up with for an evening, but your parents and/or your SIL might not like this idea at all.

Saying “but the SIL wants the niece there” is beside the point. Invitations can be turned down, they are not compulsory, and if SIL really wanted a party for children she would have had it at night.

*wouldnt have

Yeah she definitely wanted your DD there to keep hers company, and for you to look after them both.
Have your child free night...but make sure that you sit at the other end of the table from her child. Otherwise she'll be palming her DD off on you anyway.

I've had family go no contact with me over this issue. Again picking a non family place, after my toddlers bed time and getting angry when I've decided that it won't be fun for anyone in the restaurant to have him around.

You could always say that actually you’re really not feeling up to it, so you might not be ahistorical go, but you’d love to meet your Sil for lunch. You’ve also had a rethink and your child will be going with your husband. 😉

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Who the hell takes a 4-year old out at 7.30pm anyway!?

Nice posh restaurant + bunch of kids squealing = pain in the arse for all the other dinners.

Your MIL and SIL are being unreasonable. Stick to your guns!

Who is paying? Is mil likely to pull the oh but I am covering the costs card?

No way would my 4yo cope with this, nor would anyone ask her to. If it's genuinely a family event, it should be a lunch. YANBU.

A 4 yr old should be heading for bed at 7-30 The dinner will take over 2 hours and child will only get bored tired and irritable,
You're shortly to be blessed with another DC so for quite a while,,adult times will be as rare as hens teeth.
They are being unreasonable,,not you,Stick to your guns op,,,and when DN starts playing up flash them a knowing smile..

We disappointed DHs family 2 years ago when we wouldn't take our then 2 year old DD to an evening family do. (SILs big birthday funnily enough!)

It's 2 hours away from us and was a private party venue which started late and ran into the early hours. We'd have to have driven down late afternoon, booked into a B&B, hung about, cab to venue, party, cab back to B&B, up and out and 2 hour drive back on Sunday morn. Not with a 2 year old thanks.

I must emphasise though - family were disappointed, but not furious! Furious is just daft.

The whole arrangement sounds ill considered. MIL is at fault really, for not thinking this through.

Time to start again. Your SIL needs to decide whether she wants a family do, and picks a family friendly time and venue, or posh nosh in the evening and kids stay home. If it’s a family lunchtime thing, I would be gracious about taking charge of the two DC, since it’s her birthday you are all celebrating.

Any more talk of ‘furious’ though and I’d be offsky without a backward glance.

YANBU it is an unsuitable event for a small child, end of

This happened to me. Not only did my child fall asleep before the starter I had to watch 4 other kids, they sat us on a completely different table, other kids parents ignored them all night. Refused all other party invites, I just send DH and now DS is teenager he goes too, the younger pair still stay home. They make a fuss each time but I stand firm. I suggest you do too!