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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL's birthday dinner

89 replies

bettinasofine · 07/03/2018 08:21

I'm fully prepared to be told that I am but here goes...

SIL is 40 next month and MIL has organised a birthday dinner for her at an inner city restaurant. my DH and I have a 4 year old DD and so does SIL. DH and I decided that we would leave our DD with my parents and go to SIL's dinner on our own. I'll be 37 weeks pregnant and fancy a relaxing night of adult company and no child to entertain. DH is in agreement. The restaurant is also not particularly child friendly. Anyway my SIL has a DD who is the same age as our DD and now MIL and SIL are furious that we aren't bringing our DD. If it was a lunch in a child friendly place then I'd bring her no bother but dinner in an upmarket restaurant at night is a no no for me.

AIBU to stand my ground and say children don't have to be included in EVERY adult event?

OP posts:

Laiste · 07/03/2018 09:37

I won't put anyone's feelings above those of my DCs. It's one bloomin birthday meal. Not a last goodbye or the chance to go to the moon

My four year old would be a tired misery at 7.30 so i wouldn't give a stuff who wanted her there; the Queen of england herself could ask and it would still be a no.

If you're going to organise a family event it's not rocket science polite to make sure you're organising something which works for all your guests.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 07/03/2018 09:42

I'm curious, where is your DH in all of this? Has he explained to his mum and sister why you're not taking your DD, or is it just you in the firing line?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/03/2018 09:45

When we had big family celebratory meals to include the DC we had them at lunchtime in a venue that was reasonably family friendly.

There is a fair probability that DS2 would have fallen asleep part way through the meal at that age. (I once had to stop him face planting into his lunch as a toddler because he fell asleep in a high chair in a café mid meal).

LeighaJ · 07/03/2018 09:47

I think you and your husband get to decide whether or not to bring your daughter and the evening affair sounds very boring for small children.

CrustyCob · 07/03/2018 09:48

YANBU sounds an awful suggestion..... and yes, no doubt you would be the entertainer. Tell your DH to sort it or to go on his own.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2018 09:50

My dd wouldn’t have coped with this scenario at 4. Your sil is acting like a spoilt brat. Of course you’re not taking your child because a) it’s too late for her and b) if by any chance you go into labour, you need to know your dd is with a responsible adult, not a bunch of piss heads and c) you’re not the nanny.

Are they normally like this?

SnowiestMountain · 07/03/2018 09:50

Sil is probably cross because she was relying on your dd to entertain hers

Yes completely agree, as much as I love my DC's, if I had the option of leaving them at home then I would too!

KERALA1 · 07/03/2018 09:50

Ours are abit older and sometimes go out with them early evening. Went to cinema film abit longer than we realised came out about 8.15pm Saturday night. Even though we live in a "nice" small city it suddenly felt wrong to have the kids with us. Big single sex groups, students "out out", shouting etc. Kids abit scared. We binned the idea of eating out and went home with bought pizza. Would factor that in as well as fact it's a rubbish idea as at least one adult will have their evening ruined.

MrsKoala · 07/03/2018 09:50

I wouldn't even consider taking one of mine out to something like that. Just laugh and say 'no way, i'm having a break' and keep repeating.

Dagnabit · 07/03/2018 09:51

YANBU - even now, with dc of 8 and 6, I would consider time/location when making a decision on eating out.

As a side note, it's a bit risky being the only adult non drinker at 37 weeks pregnant. Maybe your MIL should stay teetotal for the night too

rookiemere · 07/03/2018 09:54

Could your DM look after DNeice as well that might be a suggestion to put forward to SIL ? Then the cousins would have fun together and everyone - including the other paying restaurant customers - can enjoy themselves.

martellandginger · 07/03/2018 09:57

You and your dd were defo going to be entertainment and babysitting for her child. It would upset me and i wouldn’t go. They should have spoken to you before

blastomama · 07/03/2018 09:57

It’s a bit rude for you to dictate things be rearranged for the daytime at that age

It would be but she hasn't done anything of the sort.

But the SIl who's birthday it is wants her niece there

It's not the SIL who would have to look after her though, so it's really not her call.

sparklyshoes16 · 07/03/2018 10:01

YANBU at all OP we went to a friends 40th evening meal on a Sat two weeks ago and our friends who have children were so happy they hadn't brought their child, other friend had to as she didn't have a babysitter (age 3 turning 4 tomorrow) their child was great at the start but got very bored and mardy after an hour as the restaurant wasn't child friendly...my friend brought brought a few books and tried her best to entertain, but her child was so tired and the restaurant was loud with chatter, she ended up leaving early to go home and put their child to bed...she was a bit gutted as she hadn't had a night out with adults for ages...getting dressed up etc (her words) we did something on the Sun family orientated too with the same people and their kids etc...o and you are certainly not dictating anything!!...have a child free night and enjoy!! It is allowed

MrsDustyBusty · 07/03/2018 10:07

It's entirely up to you, OP. Either is fine, nobody is particularly unreasonable.

If you can though, possibly resist the temptation to get swept away by some of the frothy posters here who just need to see the word "in law" to get ready for a fight. There's no need to assume they're terrible people with dark schemes in this, more likely they had one idea of what the evening would be like but now it won't be like that and they're disappointed. I think that's OK, even in laws have feelings.

ItsuAddict · 07/03/2018 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leighdinglady · 07/03/2018 10:11

Yanbu - It's an invite not a summons!

WineAndTiramisu · 07/03/2018 10:12

I think she just wants company for her child (and you to babysit), sounds a nightmare, stick with the original plan and try to not sit next to her DD otherwise you will still be babysitting!

Piffle11 · 07/03/2018 10:13

Stand your ground! SIL wants you to take your DD to keep her child occupied - as you say, no doubt you will end up babysitting them both. I've had this with dinners/parties with MIL's family: they insist that they really want to see my DC (one of whom has severe learning difficulties) so I give in and take them ... and of course, no one is interested in actually talking to/dealing with my DC, so I spend the whole time trying to stop DS doing something dangerous/screaming/ trying to get back in the car ... my DM guilted me into taking DS1 to a family event years ago, and I basically ended up walking up and down outside whilst everyone else was sat having a meal in a pub.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/03/2018 10:14

YADNBU.

It's entirely your decision, as her parents, whether or not you bring your DD along and, just because they're choosing to bring theirs, does not mean that you should bow down to their choice and do what they want.

As for their "furious" reaction - how totally OTT! Sounds like not only were they expecting you to look after both girls, but they were hoping your DD would be the "entertainment" for theirs! Being disappointed would be a reasonable reaction from them - being "furious" is ridiculous.

In your shoes, I wouldn't be taking the 4yo along either. Far too late to expect them to sit quietly and behave and it would make your experience completely miserable!

If they don't like it, refuse to go altogether. NO point going if they're just going to sit and glower at you, or give you a hard time.

honeyroar · 07/03/2018 10:25

Possibly the other 4yr old was looking forward to seeing her cousin? It totally changes the dynamics of the family meal, so I can see their point of view, and I can also see yours.

Original poster

bettinasofine · 07/03/2018 10:27

honey

They see each other LOADS so it's no great hardship that our DD wouldn't be there. I just feel like I'm being dictated to over what I do with my daughter

OP posts:

Curtainshopping · 07/03/2018 10:27

I don't think you are in the wrong but I do have some sympathy with your SIL. She is viewing it as a family affair and your DD not being there goes against that and will be disappointing for hers.

I think she should have booked it for lunchtime or teatime if she wanted kids to def be there. Could you not suggest that?

fruitbrewhaha · 07/03/2018 10:31

Would the restaurant allow children at that time?

anothersuitcase · 07/03/2018 10:38

Yanbu, they all sound like hard work.

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