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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL's birthday dinner

89 replies

bettinasofine · 07/03/2018 08:21

I'm fully prepared to be told that I am but here goes...

SIL is 40 next month and MIL has organised a birthday dinner for her at an inner city restaurant. my DH and I have a 4 year old DD and so does SIL. DH and I decided that we would leave our DD with my parents and go to SIL's dinner on our own. I'll be 37 weeks pregnant and fancy a relaxing night of adult company and no child to entertain. DH is in agreement. The restaurant is also not particularly child friendly. Anyway my SIL has a DD who is the same age as our DD and now MIL and SIL are furious that we aren't bringing our DD. If it was a lunch in a child friendly place then I'd bring her no bother but dinner in an upmarket restaurant at night is a no no for me.

AIBU to stand my ground and say children don't have to be included in EVERY adult event?

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 07/03/2018 08:52

Would they change the time to lunch? Still a month to find a compromise.

Dinner starting at 7.30pm doesn't sound the most child friendly and will likely disturb other diners if the children will be silly and over the top as you say.

CavoliRiscaldati · 07/03/2018 08:56

YANBU

nothing wrong with taking a child out for diner once in awhile, but nothing wrong either for the parents to decide they want some adult time.

It would be weird not to take your child to her cousin's birthday, but to an adult? SIL and MIL are ridiculous, if they wanted the kids around they should have organised a child-friendly event and let you know.

inappropriateraspberry · 07/03/2018 08:56

YANBU - Your child, your choice. I wouldn't take a child to an evening meal like that, and would be looking forward to some adult company as well! If she wants to bring her daughter, then fine, that's her choice, you're not telling her what to do. It's not like a wedding or similar - it's a meal out!

bittern79 · 07/03/2018 08:58

YANBU. I'd do the same.

If SIL wants the dc there, she should have a bday lunch.

Iloveacurry · 07/03/2018 08:59

I think a meal at 7.30 is too late for 4 year olds. Realistically you won’t be eating until 8-8.15, starters, meals, pudding, coffee, etc. You won’t finish until 10. Then you’ve got to get home. If it’s a nice restaurant, I’m sure other customers will not be expecting kids there too late at night. Can they change the booking to lunch or an early dinner at 6?

frasier · 07/03/2018 08:59

OP doesn’t want anything rearranged, she wants MIL to stop nagging her to take her child out in the night.

We’ve had this. Once the ILs were going on vacation from Heathrow. We live in London (they live up north) and expected us to take DS, then age 2, to meet with them in the airport (best part of an hour to get there) at 8.30pm. They were furious we refused.

OP, your MIL wants the children there for HER benefit, not for the child’s. Ignore her.

FrozenMargarita17 · 07/03/2018 09:00

I can only imagine how grumpy and whingey a 4 year old would be at that time. YANBU.

poobumwee · 07/03/2018 09:04

YANBU I agree with others that SIL thought you could look after her DD too!

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/03/2018 09:05

It’s up to the host if an event is child free.

That doesnt trump a parents right to decide which events their child attends!

YANBU

sundayfeeling · 07/03/2018 09:06

Absolutely no way would I be taking a 4 year old to a restaurant in the evening. Mine are in bed at that time anyway and get very tired. It would not be enjoyable for anyone.
She's was basically relying on you and your DD to babysit hers and now she'll have to look after her herself.

Blackteadrinker77 · 07/03/2018 09:10

OP doesn’t want anything rearranged, she wants MIL to stop nagging her to take her child out in the night

But the SIl who's birthday it is wants her niece there. OP is right that 7.30pm is late for a 4 year old so they need to have a conversation to hopefully compromise.

GeekyWombat · 07/03/2018 09:17

We’d leave ours at home in this situation too. Lunch is fine but not in a posh restaurant where we’d be eating at or past DC’s bedtimes. We’d be setting them up to fail as they’d be overtired and hungry (or if we fed them first bored and fractious) and make for a stressful time for all.

YANBU.

MarthasGinYard · 07/03/2018 09:18

Actually Op
I don't think YABU
I think they were hoping your dd would be there with her cousin and yes you'd probably be entertaining them.

Nah, if it was a lunch fair enough but it's bedtime so no.

Laiste · 07/03/2018 09:18

Oh blimey it's one meal for an adults birthday. Hardly life or bloody death.

I'd be furious that they were furious. How dare they. What a load of fuss.

You're heavily pregnant and want a bit of peace and quiet. Your DC doesn't like late nights. No issue.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/03/2018 09:20

Yanbu

Sarahh2014 · 07/03/2018 09:21

Yanbu we never take ds 4 to non child friendly places as it's our rare time for adult company

Gladisgood · 07/03/2018 09:21

I'm a bit Shock that anyone would think that taking a 4 year old into a naice restaurant in town at 7.30pm is a good idea. My 4 year old would be in bed at that time normally, so would be a wired, over-tired crying nightmare if I tried to force this on her.

I'd be incredibly pissed off if I'd gone for a rare night out with DH, and paid for a babysitter only to have someone else's children causing bloody chaos. I pity the poor people sitting next to you! Grin

Of course you are not BU !!

AjasLipstick · 07/03/2018 09:21

It's SIL's birthday....she wants it to be more of a family affair. You're spoiling that by making your needs/wants more important than hers.

Though I agree with you that nice restaurants aren't really for kids....lots of people disagree. I'd just take my DD to the dinner in your shoes

Sarahh2014 · 07/03/2018 09:22

I think they were relying on your dd to entertain theirs.Tough!

kally195 · 07/03/2018 09:24

YANBU. SIL is being very unreasonable. If the person making the plans wants children of that age includes, then they have to factor that into the arrangement.

When DB recently turned 30, he made it clear that he wanted a family meal out which included DD (3.5).

As he is capable of both thinking of the wider implications of including DD and having a grown up conversation, he talked to me before making any plans so he could choose a venue and time worked for everyone.

If he'd done what your SIL is doing, then we wouldn't have gone with DD. Wouldn't have been fair on her, us or the other people in the restaurant.

Butterymuffin · 07/03/2018 09:25

Yep, they want your DD there to justify the presence of / entertain the other child. Don't give in!

londonmummy1966 · 07/03/2018 09:27

YANBU - I wouldn't have taken mine at that time of night.

Also at 37 weeks pregnant you need to have a contingency plan for pretty well every occasion - just tell MIL and SIL that the only way you can come is to have DD at your parents - just in case....

SaucyJack · 07/03/2018 09:27

I think your MIL was U for booking that particular restaurant.

I don't think tho that they were U in wanting a family dinner where the cousins could keep each other company.

Somebody should suggest changing the booking. Maybe your H as it's his family?

MiniEggMeister · 07/03/2018 09:30

Yanbu.

It's SIL's birthday....she wants it to be more of a family affair. You're spoiling that by making your needs/wants more important than hers.

I think you missed the bit where sil is 40 and not 4. No 40 year old should be so arrogant as to think a 4 year old should be at their birthday dinner instead of at home in bed where a lot of 4 yos are at that time.

GwenStaceyRocks · 07/03/2018 09:31

I'm feeling a bit sorry for the other 4-yr-old. It's not going to be as much fun for her if your DC doesn't go. And I don't think it was UR of them to think your DC would be there or that the DCs would entertain each other. That's fairly normal for a family celebration even though people are posting on here as though it's a massive imposition. There's no reason for you to be the default childcare - just sit at the opposite end of the table from the DCs and let your DH be responsible.

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