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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL living with us part time?

419 replies

powderbluegecko · 06/03/2018 18:03

Have name changed for this as DH knows my usual one and he might be annoyed about me posting this. Although if he reads this he'll know who it's about. Anyway..

I don't like my MIL at all, mainly because she is dishonest and manipulative with a massive victim complex. I had no contact with her for a few years after her and BIL1 stole from us but recently saw her at a family wedding. DH didn't go NC, he spoke to them occasionally on the phone. BIL has since found God and is apparently a reformed character. He's at least apologised and paid us back, she has never said anything. I don't want anymore trouble so agreed with DH to put it behind us. I thought this meant that if I saw her I would be polite, nothing more. We don't live near her and she has never shown any interest in our DD(4).

MIL lives with BIL1 in a rented flat, her and FIL separated 5 years ago. She owns a house that used to be rented out but has now been empty for several years and needs some work done to it.

Last night DH told me that BIL1 is getting married soon and decided he doesn't want her living with him anymore. He never really did but felt forced into it. They, along with BIL2 offered to pay for her house to be sorted so she can live there but she refused and said she wont live by herself. She wanted to get back with FIL, but he said no. She has now decided that she will live part time with each of her 3 sons, spending a week in each house. They agreed to this. BIL1 has not asked his fiance, BIL2 did not ask SIL (her and MIL detest each other) and DH did not ask me, he just told me that this is how it is, and it's not a big deal. He says I need to be the bigger person and that even if she's awful she's still his mum. He said she's old (she's actually 59) and she's ill (made up heart condition).

I've been completely blindsided by this, whenever there was problems in the past he was always on my side. She is the kind of person that could cause trouble in an empty room, she thrives on drama and has always played her sons off against each other. She tried to do it with me and SIL too. I cant cope with her mood swings, lies and attention seeking and don't want her around DD. She lived with us for a month before I went NC with her and it was probably the worst month of my life. DH says she'll be better now and I need to be positive. I just want to run away. I don't think this is fair at all and I'm horrified that he's just burying his head in the sand. He works very long hours and I'm a SAHM. It'll be me that's with her all the time, she barely goes out, and doesn't know anyone where we live to visit or anything. AIBU?

OP posts:
TheMerryWidow1 · 07/03/2018 13:45

unbelieveable woman, well done OP, the telling part of this is that her hubby pays her to stay away!! And as for dying alone you can never time these things and she could still be alone even if in one of your houses. She just wants a maid and butler to do everything for her, when she really needs to get out get herself a job and look out for herself. My parents are in their mid 70's, Dad still works part time and neither would ever pull this trick. I'm sue they would't want to give up their independence either. Stick to your guns OP.

Wallywobbles · 07/03/2018 13:48

I'd say go in hard. Time you got a job and a life. It'll make the actual options sound good.

Riv · 07/03/2018 14:03

Well done for putting your case so clearly and calmly to your husband. It sounds like he's actually in agreement with you on the practical level, just has problems with the manipulative emotional blackmail.

He's going to need a lot of support over this, as are your two BiL's.
I suspect that your future SiL has already begun the good work and is totally on your side - It is likely that she has already had a lot to do with your BiL1 finding the courage to change Mil's current arrangement.

Stay strong.

pinkyredrose · 07/03/2018 14:41

Kevin Bacon's 59! Shock

Jux · 07/03/2018 15:01

Kevin Bacon's 59

I think I knew that (same age as me, not quite as gorgeous as I was in our youth though, poor sod took my rejection badly). He looks, er, lived in.

Takeoutyourhen · 07/03/2018 15:19

People who play the old card prematurely boils my blood. I often wonder if they just want to die or they are depressed.

Clearly there is more to it than that and it sounds like The Stately Homes thread would be able to help you out a lot OP.

OutyMcOutface · 07/03/2018 15:23

UANBU. He has no right. It would be one thing if she genuinely had no other option but that’s not what is happening here. You just have to say no and follow through. He doesn’t get to do whatever the hell he wants. If he wants to live with her one week a month he can do it elsewhere.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/03/2018 15:25

Well done OP, I read your post about what you said to DH and think you handled yourself very well. Keep us posted about the manipulative, awful MIL from hell who could die if she gets angry! Grin

GnotherGnu · 07/03/2018 16:19

I must say, I would utterly hate an existence where I was constantly travelling between my children's houses and never had my own space.

Bluelady · 07/03/2018 16:21

Most people would. I can think of nothing worse and I'm older than MiL.

Lizzie48 · 07/03/2018 16:25

I think both my DM and my MIL would hate that, too, and they're in their late 70s so they're a lot older than the OP's MIL. 59 is nothing. Very strange.

FantasticButtocks · 07/03/2018 16:49

Your poor DH is so deeply enmeshed in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) he needs to hear this phrase about his mother - she is a professional victim.

whitecloud · 07/03/2018 17:13

I agree with all the metaphorical screams of No! NO! NO!! Also agree with Riv that your BIL has been given strength by your SIL. IME if you support your dh to do the right thing and stand up to your MIL it will give him more strength to do it. A lot of men know that their wives will say a categorical no to something like this and threaten to end the marriage because of it. After all, the ghastly MIL would more than likely end your marriage for you so you might as well get in first, so to speak.

Also in my somewhat bitter experience the pathetic types in families that everyone feels sorry for will run the rest of the family ragged and are very good at surviving, thank you very much. The emotional manipulators and abusers have real staying power and are a damn sight tougher than they appear. I'll wager that your MIL is one of them.

Congratulations for standing up for yourself so brilliantly.

Eggzandbacon · 07/03/2018 17:22

This is why I love mumsnet so much of this is soooo familiar. I wish I'd had this when MIL was alive.

She worked in a fairly physical job until she was 65 and yet would pretend to be totally disabled the rest of the time. She would say she couldn't walk to the shop and yet was walking 30 minutes to work.

You do need to sort this behaviour as it will impact your life. After MIL retired she did NOTHING and by time she was 70 she was in a sorry state and actually disabled herself.
She then did need help but she had pissed everyone else and no one believed her and it was hard to judge what she could/couldn't do.

She also cited heart troubles (which she had suffered with in a minor way) and actually ignored the advice from her consultant - he told her to be active and she put herself on bedrest?

MIL also never lived alone, when FIL died she wanted DH to move in with her and leave me?!!?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/03/2018 18:26

if me, DH and (SIL) all say the same thing and stick together that should help

It should, yes - but I'm wondering what your DH's relationship with BIL2 is like (since I think he's the one who expected you to fall into line)?

I only hope DH isn't susceptible to pressure from him too, and that they don't try to turn this into a "loving sons v unreasonable wives" thing

Takeoutyourhen · 07/03/2018 20:17

@whitecloud - spot on! They are resilient and thrive upon their nasty work. Eurgh!

BackforGood · 07/03/2018 22:05

Can't remember who said it now, but the new 'Retirement Villages' that are springing up all around here, you can buy at 55 Grin so you don't actually have to be old to live there.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/03/2018 23:04

the pathetic types ... that everyone feels sorry for will run the rest of the family ragged and are very good at surviving, thank you very much

You're not kidding Hmm

snewsname · 07/03/2018 23:23

A meeting with the two other women involved so you are all on the same page should prevent the need for a big group meeting. What she does is up to her. The men just need to know it's a no goer.

StrangeLookingParasite · 09/03/2018 08:11

So I said that in that case she absolutely has to live alone in case one of us pisses her off and accidentally kills her.

I love this so much.

Friskyandhustley · 09/03/2018 10:27

You have handled this brilliantly OP. You have done really well to balance taking no nonsense with showing real empathy for your DP. Being so loving and understanding when he's behaving like an arse makes you a lovely wife. I do feel for him too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2018 10:51

^ Well put @Friskyandhustley

usernomnomnom · 09/03/2018 11:06

YADNBU! Angry
I'm angry for you!

Absolutely no way on Earth would I allow it.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 09/03/2018 12:49

For his 80 th birthday my great uncle bought himself a brand new Mini!!
Maybe suggest a care home if she is so frail???

Original poster
powderbluegecko · 10/03/2018 13:59

I don't know if anyone will see this, I meant to update sooner.
Things have been much better, MIL phoned DH about something and really wound him up which has actually given him a boost in standing up to her. DH and BIL1 met up and talked and he is now in agreement with us. Apparently MIL has been giving him grief about his fiance, saying she's not good enough for him and things like that.
SIL gets back from her holiday tomorrow, BIL2 and DH have also spoken, briefly, BIL2 is being an utter arse about the whole thing but has agreed to meet up with us all next weekend to talk about things properly. SIL says if he doesnt change his tune quickly he'll be living with MIL on his own. BIL1's fiance is also coming next weekend, her opinion is just as important too.
DH apologised to me and he said he's so relieved I stood up to him. He said that he couldn't admit that she still frightens him and that he doesn't even know why. He has an appointment with GP next week to discuss being referred for counselling/CBT. We are both feeling much happier and more positive. We have to be a team.
Thanks again everyone Smile

OP posts:
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