To not want MIL living with us part time?

[powderbluegecko]

Have name changed for this as DH knows my usual one and he might be annoyed about me posting this. Although if he reads this he'll know who it's about. Anyway..

I don't like my MIL at all, mainly because she is dishonest and manipulative with a massive victim complex. I had no contact with her for a few years after her and BIL1 stole from us but recently saw her at a family wedding. DH didn't go NC, he spoke to them occasionally on the phone. BIL has since found God and is apparently a reformed character. He's at least apologised and paid us back, she has never said anything. I don't want anymore trouble so agreed with DH to put it behind us. I thought this meant that if I saw her I would be polite, nothing more. We don't live near her and she has never shown any interest in our DD(4).

MIL lives with BIL1 in a rented flat, her and FIL separated 5 years ago. She owns a house that used to be rented out but has now been empty for several years and needs some work done to it.

Last night DH told me that BIL1 is getting married soon and decided he doesn't want her living with him anymore. He never really did but felt forced into it. They, along with BIL2 offered to pay for her house to be sorted so she can live there but she refused and said she wont live by herself. She wanted to get back with FIL, but he said no. She has now decided that she will live part time with each of her 3 sons, spending a week in each house. They agreed to this. BIL1 has not asked his fiance, BIL2 did not ask SIL (her and MIL detest each other) and DH did not ask me, he just told me that this is how it is, and it's not a big deal. He says I need to be the bigger person and that even if she's awful she's still his mum. He said she's old (she's actually 59) and she's ill (made up heart condition).

I've been completely blindsided by this, whenever there was problems in the past he was always on my side. She is the kind of person that could cause trouble in an empty room, she thrives on drama and has always played her sons off against each other. She tried to do it with me and SIL too. I cant cope with her mood swings, lies and attention seeking and don't want her around DD. She lived with us for a month before I went NC with her and it was probably the worst month of my life. DH says she'll be better now and I need to be positive. I just want to run away. I don't think this is fair at all and I'm horrified that he's just burying his head in the sand. He works very long hours and I'm a SAHM. It'll be me that's with her all the time, she barely goes out, and doesn't know anyone where we live to visit or anything. AIBU?

OP You’ve has pages of messages in agreement so I won’t just repeat the same. I do agree though.

My GM (Dad’s DM) moved in with our family when I was small. My younger DB was a poorly baby, she came to look after me whilst Mum spent time in hospital with him. She didn’t leave for 20 years. She’d lived with my aunt before, and went back there when she left - she stayed there until she died in her nineties.

We had 7 of us in a tiny 3 bed terrace, my DFs relationship with his mum was strained to say the least from his childhood. I loved my Nan but she was not an easy woman, to say the least. My mum and her shared the housework (which helped as Dad did nothing whilst both women worked, my DG into her 80s) but it was a strange environment to grow up in. It’s made me very territorial about my own space and opportunities for quiet as I never had any growing up (sharing every room in the house - shared bedroom, one bathroom - until I moved out at 19)

I love DPs Mum and he love’s mine - if it came to it I’d be willing to have either of them live with us as they’re both easy going, lovely women. But if it came to it it would be a very long and serious conversation for us both. This is not something you DH can just decide without you.

59 is nowhere near old. She doesn’t need to live with anyone, though I can see how this would be nerve wracking. My DM is 58 and has never lived alone - lived at home until marriage (young) didn’t go to uni. Still at home after DFs death with my sibling and their family. There are women in their fifities/sixties who’ve never lived alone and we should take that seriously. But that doesn’t mean living with your children is the only option.

The brothers should restore the house together, and arrange between themselves how they will support their DM to live there, learn to pay bills, who to call if something goes wrong, and make sure they will visit regularly. They can help her in many ways. But she simply doesn’t get to decide that she’s living with them, it doesn’t work like that.

Best of luck x

"So I said that in that case she absolutely has to live alone in case one of us pisses her off and accidentally kills her."

OP I am in AWE. You should be running the country, truly.

Well done.

I know it wasn’t easy and I know you’ll both be upset, but you’ve done the right thing.

I hope, apart from anything else, he’s learnt that he doesn’t get to tell you how things are going to be and how you have to feel about them.

I hope this is the end of it.

She’s only 59, she needs to sort her shit out and they (her boys) need to stop enabling this pathetic behaviour. She might live another 40 bloody years!

We do normally have a great relationship, that's why I was so horrified by this, I thought wtf has happened to my husband!
I will let the sulking go UnRavellingFast normally I couldn't tolerate it but I feel like he didn't really know what to say. He says he feels confused and I can't blame him. I do think he should have counselling Gummy I hadn't actually realised until tonight how mixed up about her he feels. He always acts so strong. I'd like him to speak to my mum actually too, he is close to her and she has been NC with her own horrible mother since I was born.
MIL has had BIL2 and SIL take her to doctors many times in the past, they always said she is physically healthy and she said they are lying because it's the NHS and they cant be bothered to treat her. Anger management was suggested a couple of times I believe. You can't win with her so she is best ignored.
Ginny that really cheered me up, thank you

I'm going to bed now, thanks again everyone, massively appreciate every post, not often I see a unanimous aibu

59 is not old ! We are all supposed to work until state retirement age of 68+ ! I understand that she is Ill and maybe cannot work, but can she volunteer, does she belong to any social clubs ?

I'm 59 and I'll be 60 in a month or two. I've just been rendered jobless so am about to plunge into that sea of confusion which is jobhunting. I'm rather looking forward to it.

Your mil just wants to be old for the secondary gains.

Run from her.

First step successfully taken. Great stuff, OP. Stick to your guns.

I've had to read this post in its entirety and continue to be stunned by it.
Astonishing notion dreamed up by the three stooges! Sorry OP for ridiculing your DH, but Christallfuckingmighty, on what planet would this ever be considered a sensible, practical solution to your MIL's living arrangements. Thank goodness he has seen sense, but sad to think he has such a mixed up relationship with his mother that the nutty idea was ever considered. Good luck OP, also, encourage your DH to seek help with a Counsellor maybe, he has nothing to feel guilty about.

I have read all. But... the first thing that came to mind was .....

and after all the Nopes I send you ((((Madd Hugs))))

Sounds like a good conversation, well done OP.

“he feels sorry for her because his dad doesn't want her and nobody likes her.”
I wonder why that is!!! People like this are so good at playing the victim. But they never look at their own behaviour. Her loneliness is a direct consequence of her actions and attitude.

Your DH is still stuck in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). If I were you I’d give him a copy of “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward, and encourage him to get some counselling.

Stay strong on this issue. Your SILs will be on side, I’m sure. It’s such a ludicrous idea that it was always going to be a non starter, I reckon. MIL is still manipulating her sons but she can’t do the same to her DILs anything like as easily.

Well done.

It might help to sit with DH a few days down the line and gently ask him some questions about his childhood to help him start to "unpack" some of his feelings around MIL.

There's an opportunity here for DH to really get a break through if he's open to it.

Equally it's totally fine to drop the subject and never speak of it again!

Still reeling from the dick head op calling 59 old!!!!!

She didnt.

OP, I grew up in time when people had granny living with them and I now live in culture where extended family living is the norm. In fact I have a distant relative here who does just what you've written about in your post. Its a an older lady of about 85 who goes round each of her 7 children and spends a week with them whilst occasionally making pit stops in the home of her eldest son where everything is set up for her to stay permanently. She makes me laugh. No one ever knows where she'll stay till just after lunch at her eldest sons on a Friday when she'll say to one of her grandchildren - put my things in your mama/baba's car. Everyone's home is set up for her, she has her own room and bathroom in all of the family homes, and people adore her. But this is far different from your situation and you were right to say your MIL doing the rounds wasn't acceptable because it wasn't.

I hope your husband finds peace of heart and mind about his mum soon.

OP you handled this so well . It's great your DH now is reflecting & realising her behaviour is not ok.

I also loved the accidentally kill her line 😂👏🏻

Your response to your dh was perfect and made me laugh. Good on you for standing up to her gaslighting and making him think about the ridiculousness of his mothers behaviour. It is very difficult when you have a manipulative and/or narcissistic parent. It’s taken me years of therapy to even start to see things clearly.

Don't think anyone has suggested this but 're the heart condition could you all club together for her to see someone privately. She would then have to believe those tests but even if not! it would reassure her children that it was just more of her drama and they could confidently send her on her way.

One thought - if she's so "ill", is it wise for her to move from son to son? Wouldn't that have a detrimental effect on her?
I'm 3 years older than her and still work and play. I've never really considered myself old and I think I've got a lot more years to go before I go. This is the best time of life!

Urgh what a hideous situation, I'm glad your dh has seen how ridiculous it is.

Think it needs to be taken as an opportunity to sort a few things out for the long term do all 3 brothers are released from their obligations to her.

I'd get a health assessment done on her, see a private cardiologist, so the sons can hear from a doctor that their mother is actually fine. Then you can call bullshit on the frail old woman who can't live alone thing.

Definitely sell the house if she won't live in it. Maybe you can get her into some sort of old people's flat / bungalow which has a warden so again she has no excuse to not live there and the brothers can be absolved of guilt. Even if this costs you and brothers more I'd do it so there's a plan sorted for the long term. Take the FILs attitude of its worth paying her off to keep her away.

To be honest, long term I don't think the bil who let her live with him in her younger years did you a favour as now that is her expectation. But all 3 brothers now need to have a united front that she is capable and healthy enough to live alone.

I'm sorry your husband feels guilt but it sounds like this woman is reaping what she's sown during a lifetime of being mean and horrible.

She has now decided that she will live part time with each of her 3 sons, spending a week in each house

This is the plot of "King Lear", which ended very badly indeed. :o

Is your MIL King Lear?

😂

AnotherEmma already wrote word-for-word what I was planning to add following your update OP:

Your DH is still stuck in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). If I were you I’d give him a copy of “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward, and encourage him to get some counselling.

Well done op. You handled that brilliantly.

You did a great job u der pressure there, OP.

You DH is reverting to childhood around his mum. He may cope better if you can explain that to him. He will tend to be childish in his response to her and anything involving her. She controlled him as a child, he couldn't earn her love, he regresses when she exerts her power over him.

Helping h8m understand how that still affects him now, and reminding him how he wants to protect his child in a way his mother never did, will help him see more clearly.

Absolutely not! I refuse to let known thieves move into my house weather there relatives or not.

I'd tell your hubby, he can move in to that house she owns with her if he's so keen!

I'm glad your dh has seen sense op. This would have destroyed your family. Just be strong and stick to it.
She sounds toxic. You have handled this so well and hopefully your dh will come arounf.

Sounds like your DH is seeing some sense now, thank goodness!!