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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL living with us part time?

419 replies

powderbluegecko · 06/03/2018 18:03

Have name changed for this as DH knows my usual one and he might be annoyed about me posting this. Although if he reads this he'll know who it's about. Anyway..

I don't like my MIL at all, mainly because she is dishonest and manipulative with a massive victim complex. I had no contact with her for a few years after her and BIL1 stole from us but recently saw her at a family wedding. DH didn't go NC, he spoke to them occasionally on the phone. BIL has since found God and is apparently a reformed character. He's at least apologised and paid us back, she has never said anything. I don't want anymore trouble so agreed with DH to put it behind us. I thought this meant that if I saw her I would be polite, nothing more. We don't live near her and she has never shown any interest in our DD(4).

MIL lives with BIL1 in a rented flat, her and FIL separated 5 years ago. She owns a house that used to be rented out but has now been empty for several years and needs some work done to it.

Last night DH told me that BIL1 is getting married soon and decided he doesn't want her living with him anymore. He never really did but felt forced into it. They, along with BIL2 offered to pay for her house to be sorted so she can live there but she refused and said she wont live by herself. She wanted to get back with FIL, but he said no. She has now decided that she will live part time with each of her 3 sons, spending a week in each house. They agreed to this. BIL1 has not asked his fiance, BIL2 did not ask SIL (her and MIL detest each other) and DH did not ask me, he just told me that this is how it is, and it's not a big deal. He says I need to be the bigger person and that even if she's awful she's still his mum. He said she's old (she's actually 59) and she's ill (made up heart condition).

I've been completely blindsided by this, whenever there was problems in the past he was always on my side. She is the kind of person that could cause trouble in an empty room, she thrives on drama and has always played her sons off against each other. She tried to do it with me and SIL too. I cant cope with her mood swings, lies and attention seeking and don't want her around DD. She lived with us for a month before I went NC with her and it was probably the worst month of my life. DH says she'll be better now and I need to be positive. I just want to run away. I don't think this is fair at all and I'm horrified that he's just burying his head in the sand. He works very long hours and I'm a SAHM. It'll be me that's with her all the time, she barely goes out, and doesn't know anyone where we live to visit or anything. AIBU?

OP posts:
dontforgetto · 07/03/2018 10:49

YANBU! Op, well done for having the conversation with your DH. He sounds very vulnerable to her manipulation and needs you to stay firm on this matter for all your sake's.

GnotherGnu · 07/03/2018 10:50

This is going to be like musical chairs, with everyone desperately hoping she's moved on to the next son before she decides she's had enough of moving every week and is just going to stay put.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/03/2018 11:06

My mother is in a retirement bungalow, in the grounds of a care home, and if I recall correctly, the rules are that no-one under the age of 50 can own one of these bungalows, so some sort of retirement property might be the best option for @powderbluegecko's MIL.

When I was about 7 or 8, my maternal grandmother came to live with us, because she needed a lot of care - they thought she was developing dementia, but it turned out to be a brain tumour. It was a very difficult experience for my mother, who was a SAHM, and ended up doing some very intimate care for her mother. It put stress on the whole family - apparently my sister and I acted up a lot, and my mum felt torn between all the work she was having to do to care for Nana, and looking after dsis and I.

Some years later, when I was in my late teens, she told me VERY firmly that dsis and I were NOT to do the same for her, if she ever needed it - that she would go into a care home rather than have us carry that burden.

So, even my mum (who is not the most reasonable of women) would agree that the OP is not being unreasonable to say 'Hell, no!' to this arrangement!

sonjadog · 07/03/2018 11:09

It's a bit sad, really, that someone-one who is only 59 wants to waste away good years her life pretending to be old and frail.

CiderwithBuda · 07/03/2018 11:12

Exactly sonjadog. I’ll be 54 in May and when DS has fled the nest I’m planning on travelling, travelling travelling. DH can come if he’s good!

Original poster
powderbluegecko · 07/03/2018 11:20

Morning all, I spoke to SIL on skype, she said that as soon as she heard BIL1 was getting married she knew this would be on the cards. She has said she will leave BIL2 if MIL steps foot in their house again, and she means it. She is going to say to BIL2 that we all need to meet up and sort this out and that BIL1's fiance needs to be included too. I found out her surname but can't find her on social media. She agrees that MIL's house should be sold and she should get a flat in their town so if me, DH and her all say the same thing and stick together that should help. I didn't speak to DH this morning as he left for work very early. Think he gave me a kiss though so that's good. Last night I kept imagining him as a 3 year old when she lost him and didn't look for him. I fucking hate that woman. The image of Madonna strutting around sheltered housing has cheered me up though Grin
I've also just ordered the Toxic Parents book and King Lear, I've never actually read it. Could send MIL a copy for her birthday.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2018 11:30

At least that’s 2/3 on the same page. Hopefully you can make it a hat trick! Your mil sounds horrible.

Gemini69 · 07/03/2018 11:32

OP your stand was constructive strong fair and very balanced.. you did very good considering the emotional impact this was having on your entire family situation...

Stay focused and do not let anyone wear you down to their way of thinking... Flowers

Lizzie48 · 07/03/2018 11:40

No don't respond to the emotional blackmail from your DH, you absolutely should stick to your guns that you won't have your MIL in your house. Maybe you should consider doing what your SIL has done and give him an ultimatum about it. I can't imagine your marriage surviving if your MIL does move in.

I'm not sure whether mine would if we had my MIL moving in with us. In the case of my DM, what little relationship we have left would be gone.

WineAndTiramisu · 07/03/2018 11:46

Glad you and SIL are on the same page!

Toomuchsplother · 07/03/2018 11:47

Stay strong and just to add to your reading list A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley is a wonderful modern day retelling of King Lear

Jux · 07/03/2018 11:55

Mind out though, OP. She is only 59 and is of 'sound mind'. Her decisions are hers to make. You can all tell her that her idea won't work and it isn't going to happen, as having her come to stay or live in any of your homes is your decision to make. But you can't really make decisions about selling her house etc until you have Power of Attorney (not even remotely appropriate here).

What she does, once it's made clear that the option of living with each of you in turn is unacceptable, is not your business. Unless of course she asks.

blueskypink · 07/03/2018 11:56

I'm 59 - well my body is. In my mind I'm 18. Still waiting for my dcs to leave home! Glad to hear so many other 'oldies' haven't given up on life yet!

WhiteVixen · 07/03/2018 12:04

Can I ask how old you all are? Sorry, I know it's irrelevant really but I'm just trying to work out the timeline. If she's 59 and your husband is the youngest? And there's 10 years between him and the middle brother? How old was MIL when she started popping out babies?

The whole thing is crazy. My parents are (just) in their 70s and they're off to Australia today for six weeks. They both still work, albeit part time. I cannot imagine 59 ever being considered old and frail! What a crazy woman she is.

livinginashowhomenot · 07/03/2018 12:06

Well done, OP! Sounds like your dh needs some help through this.

MrsCharlesBrandon · 07/03/2018 12:11

It's a fuck no from me too.

My Dad is 70 and has his own business. Grandmother finally moved into a retirement flat at age 90 and is still going strong.

MIL on the other hand hit age 40 and became an OAP practically overnight.

59 is not old and I applaud you OP for handling it the way you have!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 07/03/2018 12:18

You can't decide where MIL WILL live, but sure as damnit, you can decide where she ISN'T living, ie NOT in your spare room!

Original poster
powderbluegecko · 07/03/2018 12:42

WhiteVixen I think MIL was 18 when she got married. BIL1 is 40, BIL2 is 38, DH is 28, I'm 30.

Jux Nobody is planning on making decisions for her, SIL and I just want a decent sounding solution presented to her when she is told that she will not be staying with us. If BIL1 is on our side and really makes it sound like a good idea she is much more likely to eventually go along with it. Just want to try and minimise the fallout slightly.

Quite a few of you suggested that she is taken to a private doctor, I'm going to say this to DH, I want him to hear for himself from a professional that she is healthy.

My parents are 57 and 60. Both still work, have holidays...everything they did 20 years ago, just with a few more laughter lines and some grandchildren. My 85 year old Grandad is more active and has a fuller life than my MIL. He went on a walking holiday to New Zealand by himself last year, she won't even use public transport alone.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 07/03/2018 12:48

I think the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board would really help you and your DH, OP, it's for people who are dealing with toxic family backgrounds.

CoraPirbright · 07/03/2018 12:55

she won't even use public transport alone.

Hmm FGS. Am I alone in thinking this is pretty pathetic? Glad you are making progress on this. Have you decided to contact your SIL who is on hols?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/03/2018 13:08

she won't even use public transport alone.
My DDad's 60th birthday present to himself was trekking in Annapurna.

Jux · 07/03/2018 13:16

My mum went on geological fields trips in her 70s, climbing mountains, sleeping in tiny tents, etc.

Oysterbabe · 07/03/2018 13:23

She's so old and ill that she couldn't possibly move house every week. She must stay put in her house while her children take turns living with her.

kaytee87 · 07/03/2018 13:25

Wow my gran did her third degree in her 70s, was still advising teachers on education, ran the church guild and did voluntary work well into her 80s.
My grandpa was still taking church services in his 80s, going rambling and yachting.
My 61yo mum works 2 days a week, cares for my grandparents and helps me with ds while I'm recovering from an injury.

Your mil actually needs to get out and do more then she might feel better. I know you know this though.

Op as you know yanbu at all. I quite like my mil but I wouldn't have her living with us unless she was in dire straights and even then it would only be temporary.

blueskypink · 07/03/2018 13:32

She's so old and ill that she couldn't possibly move house every week

Good one Oyster - she needs to be settled Grin

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