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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want MIL living with us part time?

419 replies

powderbluegecko · 06/03/2018 18:03

Have name changed for this as DH knows my usual one and he might be annoyed about me posting this. Although if he reads this he'll know who it's about. Anyway..

I don't like my MIL at all, mainly because she is dishonest and manipulative with a massive victim complex. I had no contact with her for a few years after her and BIL1 stole from us but recently saw her at a family wedding. DH didn't go NC, he spoke to them occasionally on the phone. BIL has since found God and is apparently a reformed character. He's at least apologised and paid us back, she has never said anything. I don't want anymore trouble so agreed with DH to put it behind us. I thought this meant that if I saw her I would be polite, nothing more. We don't live near her and she has never shown any interest in our DD(4).

MIL lives with BIL1 in a rented flat, her and FIL separated 5 years ago. She owns a house that used to be rented out but has now been empty for several years and needs some work done to it.

Last night DH told me that BIL1 is getting married soon and decided he doesn't want her living with him anymore. He never really did but felt forced into it. They, along with BIL2 offered to pay for her house to be sorted so she can live there but she refused and said she wont live by herself. She wanted to get back with FIL, but he said no. She has now decided that she will live part time with each of her 3 sons, spending a week in each house. They agreed to this. BIL1 has not asked his fiance, BIL2 did not ask SIL (her and MIL detest each other) and DH did not ask me, he just told me that this is how it is, and it's not a big deal. He says I need to be the bigger person and that even if she's awful she's still his mum. He said she's old (she's actually 59) and she's ill (made up heart condition).

I've been completely blindsided by this, whenever there was problems in the past he was always on my side. She is the kind of person that could cause trouble in an empty room, she thrives on drama and has always played her sons off against each other. She tried to do it with me and SIL too. I cant cope with her mood swings, lies and attention seeking and don't want her around DD. She lived with us for a month before I went NC with her and it was probably the worst month of my life. DH says she'll be better now and I need to be positive. I just want to run away. I don't think this is fair at all and I'm horrified that he's just burying his head in the sand. He works very long hours and I'm a SAHM. It'll be me that's with her all the time, she barely goes out, and doesn't know anyone where we live to visit or anything. AIBU?

OP posts:

IJustLostTheGame · 07/03/2018 07:15

Fucking hell that's a whole heap of nope right there.
My MIL keeps hinting about when she gets old and has to go in a home and giving sliding looks to DH. I keep my face even and brightly say 'well there are so many good ones about'. She doesn't look happy, and looks as though she's plotting a campaign.
If it happens it really could be the end of our marriage.
I'd rather have that than her.

Can you get both SILs involved? I know you've never met one of them but maybe she should have a heads up? On the lines of 'I'm sorry but you may have mil for more than your allotted week as she won't be staying with us at all.

Appuskidu · 07/03/2018 07:17

We talked about her age and he said he thinks of her as old because she pretty much started doing the frail old lady thing when she turned 40. She got a job after her and FIL split and quit after a week saying she's too old to work.

To old to work at 40?! Wow-what a princess! She could live until she’s 95!

My DM is 58 and has never lived alone - lived at home until marriage (young) didn’t go to uni. Still at home after DFs death with my sibling and their family. There are women in their fifities/sixties who’ve never lived alone and we should take that seriously.

I would imagine there are loads of people of all ages that have never lived at home-men and women. I left home, went to university, lived in house shares until I moved in with DH. I hardly know of anyone that lived alone as they simply couldn’t have afforded it.

I don’t know of anyone suggesting this sort of idea though either-it sounds to me like someone who wants to be treated like a visiting princess without having to do any of the drudge of Day to Day life!

Fletchasaurus · 07/03/2018 07:17

Op you are amazing.... I don't think you could have handled that better! How are things this morning?

Appuskidu · 07/03/2018 07:18

That is exactly what I would do!

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 07/03/2018 07:20

Your DH might like to point out to his DBs that there are loads of 59 yr old women whose children are still at school. Heck, I'm only a few years younger and mine are still at primary school. They just need to look around at the women of that age that they work with and ask if they are having to live with their families because they àre old. MIL has done such a good con job on them they need help to see that she is BVVVU in her demands

DevilsDoorbell · 07/03/2018 07:39

Well done op for having a sensible conversation with your dh. Good luck with the rest of the family

S0upertrooper · 07/03/2018 07:40

NO, NO, NO!!!! Is there any way you can get together with the other SILs to get a bit of moral support? No one wants to live with this woman. She's not old and if she can't live by herself she needs to sell the property she owns and buy a sheltered housing flat. Failing that her sons can take it in turns to live with her on alternate weeks. Last resort, could you live with your mum the week she rocks up? You have my sympathy, this is a hellish situation and if your DH does read this-please get your priorities right mate and kick your self centred thieving mother into touch or you'll be the single brother living with her!!!

CigarsofthePharoahs · 07/03/2018 07:49

Well done op!
Wouldn't want to accidentally kill her!

Idontdowindows · 07/03/2018 08:14

I am so glad you talked to your husband and he realised what he did was not on.

I hope you two (maybe with the help of a counselor for him) can work this out and stand strong in the face of what will certainly be incoming!

blueskypink · 07/03/2018 08:32

He then said the stupidest thing I've ever heard which was that if she gets angry she could die. So I said that in that case she absolutely has to live alone in case one of us pisses her off and accidentally kills her.

Well done op.

Sounds to me like your poor DH is still trying to earn his mum's approval and affection and that's colouring his reasoning.

In your shoes I might be tempted to speak to MIL myself and make it clear she won't be living with you.

LakieLady · 07/03/2018 08:36

Brilliant, just brilliant!

I think your DH probably feels guilty and conflicted now. The MIL is obviously very skilled at generating that sort of feeling in her sons, and will milk this.

Don't lower your guard!

Blackteadrinker77 · 07/03/2018 08:42

then there will always be someone close by in case she should become dangerously angry

Motoko · 07/03/2018 09:22

You could point out that Nigella Lawson is only about 4 years younger than his mum!

CDB1 · 07/03/2018 09:23

Hi, very new to this and I am going to be a grandmother for the first time. As my daughter looks at MN I need to get into her world.
I think the most selfish person is the MIL. She has her sons over a barrel.
So look at the alternatives regarding accommodation. What there are lots of now are “ Suppoted living flats”
These are brand new complexes of 1-2 bedrooms. Carers on site 24 hours a day as needed. A restaurant, some have gyms and cinemas.
Her own house would have to be sold to fund it although the Council can support initially and she would have to make a deferred payment.
If she is so “ Helpless” she may need to go into a 24 hour care setting!
This is not a time for divorce talk but strategy talks.
She obviously commands her sons and no matter what they are loyal to her. She has your husband over a barrel.
Forewarned is for armed. Look at the alternatives. Check out the Council Website for Supported Living or warden controlled flats ( much less of now) and good luck !

SmurfOrTerf · 07/03/2018 09:26

Well done. I too am still laughing at dangerously angry
ans We had better not piss her off and accidently kill her

elisenbrunnen · 07/03/2018 09:28

CBD1 - aren't 'supported living' flat only for above-60s? Even above-65s, in my area. Cos 59 is not old?

I am 57 and run a house single-handedly, cooking, cleaning, raising 3 kids (1 still at home) and working F/T. NO WAY would I want to live with my kids and their families - in fact, at only 57, none of my kids are even married, let alone living in their own homes, or with kids of their own!

Blackteadrinker77 · 07/03/2018 09:32

Christine Brinkley
Jayne Seymour
Lynda Carter

They are all older than your MIL. Show your DH their pictures and ask if they need to be supported. 59 is not old.
My husband is in his 50s and we still run half marathons.

dingdongdigeridoo · 07/03/2018 09:35

I looked up people who are 59. They include Madonna, Peter Capaldi and Kevin Bacon. I can't imagine any of them being put into a retirement flat!

CoraPirbright · 07/03/2018 09:36

I would get your dh to accompany her to an appointment with a cardiologist. Then some one can spell out to him that there is nothing wrong with that madam and that she is behaving appalingly. SO glad your chat wth your dh went ok. Still think you should be giving your SIL-on-holiday the heads up about what is going on.......

KochabRising · 07/03/2018 09:36

Well done op - you’ve handled this really well.

Talk to the other SILs - once they know you’ve refused they will too. And perhaps you can even get something positive from this - your dh has clearly been badly affected by his Mum. Perhaps time for him to explore that in therapy ?

PuppyMonkey · 07/03/2018 09:38

I’m half looking forward to the inquest. Cause of death: “Extreme anger.”

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 07/03/2018 09:43

I’m half looking forward to the inquest. Cause of death: “Extreme anger.”
Terminal uncontrolled CheekyFuckeritis

AdoraBell · 07/03/2018 09:56

Well done OP

As for his fear of her dying if she gets angry, I obviously died, repeatedly, in the teenage years, again in my twenties, 30’s, somehow survived my 40’s but died again last week.

HTH

elisenbrunnen · 07/03/2018 10:08

Adora

I am imagining this little frail old 40year old lady being helped up steps, across roads, having someone come in to help her with 'intimate' washing, eating bland, soft food...

She is pathetic.

itstimeforanamechange · 07/03/2018 10:14

59 and a retirement flat?

79 is too young for a retirement flat for a lot of people! My mum would have words with me if I suggested it for her (she is 78). In fact I suspect some healthy 89 year olds would have something to say, too.

As for deciding to live with her sons on rotation. Words fail me.

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