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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What (if anything) would you think if none of the adult offspring in a family had chosen not to have children?

115 replies

Skarossinkplunger · 06/03/2018 10:41

Just that really. Neither my sister or I have children, through choice, no fertility issues. A recent conversation with a work colleague has made me question what people thought about it.

OP posts:

raisedbyguineapigs · 06/03/2018 13:13

I feel a bit sad that theres a chance my fairly unusual maiden name will die out as the only boys in the generation below me are mine . Its completely irrational and one of a number of reasons I wish I had insisted on double barrelling my maiden name for me and ds's. There's always a chance my cousins daughters will keep their name and pass it down to their children. And it doesn't really matter for any logical reason

Batinahat · 06/03/2018 13:14

I am one of 3 siblings. We are all in our late 30s/early 40s and we are all childfree by choice. People have occasionally commented to me that it is unusual or said that my poor Mum must be disappointed having raised 3 kids to have no grandchildren. I don't find it rude for someone to comment that it is unusual as I agree factually it is a little unusual...but if they started to speculate that there was something wrong I would feel it was rude, especially from a colleague!

Kintan · 06/03/2018 13:14

@DancesWithOtters just kind of in a poignant way like all those centuries of genes surviving to be passed on to the next generation comes to an abrupt end, that’s all I meant.

Arapaima · 06/03/2018 13:16

I agree your colleague was rude and I would never make this comment.

However, inside my head, I would be thinking that was quite unusual.

I’m not judging at all, and I absolutely respect your decision - I’m simply saying it’s unusual, and therefore even more unusual for two sisters to both make that choice.

It’s not at all like getting two tails in a row like Kanye says, because that implies that 50% of women are childfree by choice, whereas in fact the figure is much lower than that. (It’s approx 20% in total for remaining childless, but many of those will not be by choice.)

Ragwort · 06/03/2018 13:20

I wouldn't think anything - actually I would, as others have said, have respect for them for making a deliberate choice - so many people have children without thinking, without planning, without really asking themselves if they want to be parents .............. it's just something people do.

I have a lot of respect for people who make a conscious decision NOT to have children.

Jaygee61 · 06/03/2018 13:22

It's not as clear cut as choosing or choosing not to have children either. A lot of women are childless without ever actually having made a choice either way.

Gromance02 · 06/03/2018 13:22

Why is it any more questionable than wondering why someone did decide to have children? I don't have children, though choice. My brother does. It is just not something that I wanted in my lift. No big back story, no reason, just as simple as that.

Gromance02 · 06/03/2018 13:24

life not lift!

Ragwort · 06/03/2018 13:34

Actually Gromance makes a really good and I do often wonder why people have children; some people clearly don't enjoy their children, find them incredibly hard work, admit they didn't really think about having a child before it was born .......... but often go on to have more .

I have one child, it took me until 42 to even DECIDE to have a child, it was a huge decision for me, life changing and in no way is being a parent 'the highlight of my life'. Despite my age I would never have wanted another child.

I honestly believe far too many people have children just because 'it is the expected thing to do' rather than making a conscious decision.

scaryteacher · 06/03/2018 13:38

I'm not sure that ds will ever have kids, and he is an only. I had him because we wanted a child, not because we expected him to have any.

MrsKoala · 06/03/2018 13:44

I would' think anything of it.

I was talking to someone the other day and saying out of my childhood friendship group of 10 of us, only 2 have had children (all thru choice). They were surprised, but it's fairly standard with a lot of people i know in London. It wasn't till i moved out i realised how many children other people had!

In Dh's department of approx 20 there are only a few with children too. I think i know more people without children than with them.

megletthesecond · 06/03/2018 13:49

The only siblings I've known of who chose not to have kids was because they had a horrific childhood. They did have great adult lives though (nice holidays and houses) so fair play to them.

mydogisthebest · 06/03/2018 14:09

I would think you are both being sensible. Far too many people on the planet as it is.

Me and DH decided not to have children and one of the reasons was that DH had a pretty horrible childhood and was worried he would not be a good dad. He is actually really good with children and we have looked after our nieces and nephews (even taking them on holiday).

His sister had a great childhood being treated like a princess and getting everything she asked for but she also decided to remain childfree.

One of my brother in laws has 4 siblings (all married) and none of them have had children. As far as I know they had a good childhood.

Unfortunately it seems that if you are childfree you are subject to lots of prying and rude, if not offensive, questions. Even in my 60's I get asked quite often if I have grandchildren and then when I say I don't have children I get the "why", "was it your choice" and pitying looks. I have taken to saying I have dogs and they are far nicer and less hassle

corythatwas · 06/03/2018 14:13

a statistical sample of two is hardly very indicative of anything

if there were 14 of you and all childless by choice, then I would probably think there was a reason, but not necessarily an unhappy childhood: you could also, for instance, have a very strong environmental ethos or be aware of some genetic risk in your family

in any case, I would not think it was any of my business or that it wasn't a valid choice

RoseWhiteTips · 06/03/2018 14:17

Their choice. You don’t have children to keep other people happy.

RoseWhiteTips · 06/03/2018 14:18

Nothing to do with having “horrific” childhoods! Lol

thecatneuterer · 06/03/2018 14:18

Why does it matter if a family line is coming to an end?

I completely agree Dances. I'm an only child of two only children. I always knew I didn't want children myself. So two genetic lines stop with me. And I don't give a shiny shit.

(and I came here for The Litter Tray too )

RoseWhiteTips · 06/03/2018 14:19

I had a brilliant childhood but chose not to have children. Freedom is definitely not overrated!

Original poster

Skarossinkplunger · 06/03/2018 16:00

Even if we’d had kids the family name wouldn’t have been carried on as we both got married and changed our names!

OP posts:

DickTERFin · 06/03/2018 16:05

It was rude of her to say that.

The sibling pair that I have know that have both decided to not have children did have a bad childhood and I know for one of them at least, that was a factor in her decision (not the only factor though), however, I wouldn't assume that was so for everybody and I wouldn't ask either.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/03/2018 16:08

Exactly, Ska if there are no sons the family name isn't (usually) continued anyway.
It's not a reason to procreate unless you're in the royal family I suppose and under pressure from the queen to produce an heir and a spare.

VladmirsPoutine · 06/03/2018 16:13

Isn't it more about bloodlines than names, as it were. I could for example change my name to 'The Jedi' and in 100 years from now one of my descendants would read up on their history and see that their great-great-great-great-great granny Vlad changed her name to 'The Jedi'.

That aside, the initial point still stands; your womb and the contents or otherwise of it is no-one's business but your own.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/03/2018 16:15

Yes good point you are making Jedi

1moreglassplease · 06/03/2018 16:17

I am childfree by choice and my younger brother, although married, married a woman who does not want children and he's not particularly bothered.

Over the years the lack of grandchildren has really upset my parents, mainly due to other people's comments, and to be honest has never bothered me until recently but my parents are now not in the best of health and I do think about passing things on. A lot of memories will die with us and I will need to think about what I pass on to my cousins' children as they won't share the same memories. We're also not a close family.

I think when you have children there is a 'legacy' that you don't get when you're childfree and it does make me a bit sad at times.

Plenty of people both within and outside the family have commented on us not having children/being single but to be honest I've always thought it was nobody else's business and tried to rise above them.

Theresasmayshoes11 · 06/03/2018 16:23

I had s very very unusual maiden name in that it was the only one in the whole country! I have a sister and 3 girl cousins. The name was that bane of my life so was glad to get rid

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