Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To go on holiday without my teenager?

98 replies

fadingintothewallpaper · 06/03/2018 10:39

I'd be really interested in an outside perspective on this as I can't decide if what we are considering is reasonable or not.

Daughter is 18, 19 this summer, and a full time student. We would like to book a holiday to the US for two weeks this autumn, to include her, her siblings and dh and I. Our daughter will only come on holiday with us if her boyfriend is allowed to come, however. We took him on a long haul holiday last year, and it cost us the best part of £2k for his share. He is a nice lad, we like him a lot, but his presence inevitably changes the family dynamic (as you'd expect, and as is possibly inevitable within the family anyway as children grow up) and he and dd argue quite a lot. There were instances on the last holiday of one or both of them storming off for hours, refusing to get out of the car at a destination, refusing to come into a restaurant etc, not talking to one another, perhaps every couple of days. It overshadowed the holiday. It's not a destination where they can be terribly independent either.

Since then we have been on a couple of UK holidays without them. She refused to come without him, I refused to take him and it caused upset. We now want to go long haul and she will be very upset and angry that we are going on a special holiday without her. However we can't afford to take her boyfriend, don't want to if I'm honest (because of the arguing, not because of him per se), and don't want to not go simply because she is refusing to come. That doesn't seem fair on her siblings.

To avoid drip feeding, she is going away this year with him - they are having a week all inclusive in Spain, a week in France, a week skiing. However that doesn't really change the fact she would be left out of the family holiday.

Would we be unreasonable to go without her?

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 06/03/2018 10:43

Your Dd is an adult behaving like a toddler stamping her feet and demanding if she wants to go on holiday with her boyfriend they should go on their own, yanbu to just not take them and as for paying for him pfft !

Enuffsenuffsenuff · 06/03/2018 10:45

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to tell your daughter that you can't afford to take her boyfriend and that while she is of course encouraged to join you, it's her choice if she refuses. It sounds like she's testing you in the expectation that you will cave and take him - once she realises you're holding firm I would be surprised if she still refuses to come! She's a bit too old to be cutting off her nose to spite her face like that.

You've been very kind in taking the boyfriend before but it doesn't mean you're obliged to keep doing so, especially as it does sound like he's a disruptive presence. Give her a deadline so you know how many flights you'll have to book and then leave the choice up to her.

FairiesVsPixies · 06/03/2018 10:47

Just tell her straight, she can come if she wants to but you can't afford to pay for him. Then it's her choice. If she doesn't want to go then go without her - guilt free. Yanbu.

Feckitall · 06/03/2018 10:49

At 18 both should be paying their own way if they want to go...they might both behave better if it comes out their own pocket

Trinity66 · 06/03/2018 10:51

Leave her home. The b/f or his parents should have paid his share last time aswell cheeky fuckers

Loonoon · 06/03/2018 10:53

YANBU.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 06/03/2018 10:54

She sounds like an entitled madam. I know you are saying it's a family holiday but she is technically an adult so there will inevitably be a point where she would no longer be part of this. Go without her, I think you'll all have a better time anyway without the circus going on.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 06/03/2018 10:55

Sounds like a proper holiday for you if she stay behind!! Don't feel guilty - she may act 3 but she isn't.

RavenLG · 06/03/2018 10:58

Yeah ydnbu. At that age they should be paying their own way. Also I’d be mortified if my partner acted like that on a holiday my parents paid for but it sounds like she’s just as petulant so good match. Tell her after the last disrespectful attitude they both had while on holiday on your dime they aren’t welcome.
If they can afford 2 holidays a year (while a student!!! I could barely afford to eat but hey ho) then they can afford to miss out on this she’s an adult and won’t be tagging along on every family holiday now anyway

Sparkletastic · 06/03/2018 10:59

Good god no! You are being generous offering to take her. You'd be a fool to take somebody else's kidult too. She can stay at home and house sit shag her boyfriend on your sofa for you if she chooses to refuse your kind invitation. Rather suspect you'd all have a better time without her anyway if she's a stroppy madam.

Original poster

fadingintothewallpaper · 06/03/2018 11:03

Thank you all. I'm pleasantly surprised not to have been roasted (thus far).

You're right, she is entitled. If I'm honest we've had a really tough few years with her and have, to a large extent, bent to keep the peace. I hear loud and often how awful a mother I am and how badly treated she is, so I really struggle to keep any sensible perspective on whether or not I am being fair.

I'm so tired, though. Life can't revolve around her forever, it's not fair on her siblings.

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 06/03/2018 11:06

I hear loud and often how awful a mother I am and how badly treated she is, so I really struggle to keep any sensible perspective on whether or not I am being fair.

She's an adult now, you'll do her no favours by pandering to that childishness, she won't get away with that in the real world

kyrenialady · 06/03/2018 11:08

Don't take her or pay. I never went on holiday with my parents since I turned 16 I was working full time and my boyfriend and I paid for our own holiday.

I moved out when I was 18 she sounds very entitled and very lucky to have such a lovely mum.

mummymeister · 06/03/2018 11:09

This would be an opportune time to sit down with your DD and have a conversation with her about what it means to be an adult. I think you were incredibly generous to pay for her boyfriend to go with her last time. it didn't work out though and the rest of you, yet again, had to dance around to her tune.

so tell her straight. we will take you, we will pay for you and we will take the boyfriend but if and only if he pays his own way AND you cut out all the crap that we had to put up with last time.

If she stomps her feet and tells you that you are worlds most awful mother then that is her choice. but if she does this, then tell her really clearly the bending over backwards to accommodate her stops - right here right now. whatever that is (don't know because you haven't said) you have to make good on what you say and not give any more chances. at nearly 19 she is an adult and the adult world without the support of your mum if you have hacked them off is a pretty lonely place. maybe she needs to find this out to appreciate what she really has.

Nomad86 · 06/03/2018 11:13

She's an adult, you have obligation to pay for her holidays let alone her boyfriend's. I stopped going away with my parents at 17. I went travelling on my own from 19. She should be planning and paying for her own holidays.

MrsJayy · 06/03/2018 11:14

She sounds a total madame I can only imagine you have all turned yourselves inside out to pander to her moods ,tell her you love her very much and you have tried but you won't be taking anymore of her abuse and stop spoiling her it isn't making any of you happy.

Trinity66 · 06/03/2018 11:15

we will pay for you and we will take the boyfriend but if and only if he pays his own way AND you cut out all the crap that we had to put up with last time.

I don't think she wants the B/F to go either way though (I wouldn't either tbh)

Luckyme2 · 06/03/2018 11:15

Definitely don't feel bad going without her. She's an adult. She's got her own holiday to look forward to with her b/f. If she at all grateful she'd appreciate that she's actually been offered another lovely holiday with her parents if she wants to join you but she isn't and she doesn't want to so leave her at home. And do not feel bad about it! My parents took my younger brother on holidays when I was 18,19 and in uni. I was making my own plans. It wouldn't even have occurred to me to ge5 shirty about it! Do not feel bad. And enjoy your holiday!

SluttyButty · 06/03/2018 11:17

My dd is the same age as yours but boyfriend less. She has moments of toddleresque tantrums and she gets told to pack it in. She’s an adult and should behave like one. She doesn’t work because I prefer she concentrates on A levels, so we’re paying for everything for her and I expect her to like it or lump it.
We’re probably going away but in this country this year. She can come if she wants but I’m not pandering to her whims.

mixture · 06/03/2018 11:20

You must go without her, as a child in the family, at some point. She's an adult and a full time student now, so she probably should concentrate on her studies, rather than tagging along as a (somewhat old) teenager and perhaps missing out on classes and exams.

Bluelady · 06/03/2018 11:21

It sounds as if she's getting more than her fair share of holidays already. Is she Princess Eugenie? Don't take her or her boyfriend and have a lovely time without them.

PilarTernera · 06/03/2018 11:22

You are so NBU.

You say she will be very upset and angry that you are going on a special holiday without her, but it would be her choice not to go. You are inviting her. Don't give in to her manipulative behaviour.

user1493413286 · 06/03/2018 11:23

I’m amazed that you paid for her boyfriend to go before; it’s very generous of you but unfortunately it’s come back to bite you now.
I think it’s completely fair to say you don’t want him to come because of their arguing and that you can’t pay for him again. You aren’t saying your daughter can’t come; it’s a fair choice for her to make.

DeathStare · 06/03/2018 11:24

You need to stop letting her guilt trip you. You are not going on a special holiday without her You have invited her on the special holiday, you have offered to pay for the special holiday and she is refusing to come. She is an adult, that is her choice. She understands the terms of the invitation and whether she accepts or not is her choice.

MissionItsPossible · 06/03/2018 11:47

Of course you would not BU. I think it was very kind and generous of you to 1) Pay for him to go before and 2) to even consider doing it again! If she wants to throw a tantrum because you won't pay, tough for her. Enjoy the holiday and the potential drama that may come with it being left at home.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.