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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go on holiday without my teenager?

98 replies

fadingintothewallpaper · 06/03/2018 10:39

I'd be really interested in an outside perspective on this as I can't decide if what we are considering is reasonable or not.

Daughter is 18, 19 this summer, and a full time student. We would like to book a holiday to the US for two weeks this autumn, to include her, her siblings and dh and I. Our daughter will only come on holiday with us if her boyfriend is allowed to come, however. We took him on a long haul holiday last year, and it cost us the best part of £2k for his share. He is a nice lad, we like him a lot, but his presence inevitably changes the family dynamic (as you'd expect, and as is possibly inevitable within the family anyway as children grow up) and he and dd argue quite a lot. There were instances on the last holiday of one or both of them storming off for hours, refusing to get out of the car at a destination, refusing to come into a restaurant etc, not talking to one another, perhaps every couple of days. It overshadowed the holiday. It's not a destination where they can be terribly independent either.

Since then we have been on a couple of UK holidays without them. She refused to come without him, I refused to take him and it caused upset. We now want to go long haul and she will be very upset and angry that we are going on a special holiday without her. However we can't afford to take her boyfriend, don't want to if I'm honest (because of the arguing, not because of him per se), and don't want to not go simply because she is refusing to come. That doesn't seem fair on her siblings.

To avoid drip feeding, she is going away this year with him - they are having a week all inclusive in Spain, a week in France, a week skiing. However that doesn't really change the fact she would be left out of the family holiday.

Would we be unreasonable to go without her?

OP posts:
Onedaynamechange · 06/03/2018 12:22

Absolutely leave her at home! I can't believe you paid for him to go with you the last time. Fair enough that he wanted to come but I would've made him pay his own way.

brownmouse · 06/03/2018 12:29

I really think once you hit that 18ish age, you are an adult and don't go on family holidays. It seems weird to me. As another poster said, it's an age where you should want to start travelling and exploring on your own, not hanging around with your parents.

You've been OVERLY GENEROUS and no way should she go on this holiday with her boyfriend!!!!!

Theresasmayshoes11 · 06/03/2018 12:31

Good god never mind the holiday why are you allowing another adult to talk so disrespectfully to you? And behave so badly

I have a dd just the same she and she’s back packing alone round Australia as we speak paid for by her own savings and part time job.

What’s this full time student nonsense too. Kick her arse to get w job it might teach her the world doesn’t revolve around her princess arse Grin

You need to get tough op or the younger ones will be following her example.

I would tell her she’s not welcome as she can’t controo herself and is rude and disrespectful.

Ignore the boyfriend issue. Not your problem. They are adults.

Ginseng1 · 06/03/2018 12:31

Yanbu can't believe you paid for him last time. How cheeky. Are you paying for her other holidays as well sounds like slot of holidays for an 18 year old if she still a student!

Theresasmayshoes11 · 06/03/2018 12:33

brown

Slightly disagree with you there. We have been away with our kids, 20s/teens to the same holiday. It’s grest to stay up socialising/chatting/drinking etc with your grown up kids but of course they shouldn’t be doing it every year and of course do other holidays too with friends and partners.

LagunaBubbles · 06/03/2018 13:19

I cant believe you paid £2 for her boyfriend to come on holiday! And how is she paying for her holidays this year to France and Spain, are you paying for them?

FrancisCrawford · 06/03/2018 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 06/03/2018 13:38

If my daughter spoke to me like that I certainly wouldn't be going on holiday with her!

Tell her, "Quite frankly, last time we went away with your boyfriend, you and he behaved so badly that none of us want to go with you both again. I had to pay a lot for him to come and there wasn't an ounce of gratitude. And the way you speak to me, I'd rather go on holiday without you. You're getting three holidays - I notice you're not inviting me on them. Now grow up and mind your fucking manners."

FluffyWuffy100 · 06/03/2018 13:44

Tell her he can come if he pays, and if they sort out the drama and stop acting like spoiled brats. He pays, and they come with a pleasant and happy attitude, or they don't come. No skin off your nose!

FluffyWuffy100 · 06/03/2018 13:45

Tell her, "Quite frankly, last time we went away with your boyfriend, you and he behaved so badly that none of us want to go with you both again. I had to pay a lot for him to come and there wasn't an ounce of gratitude. And the way you speak to me, I'd rather go on holiday without you. You're getting three holidays - I notice you're not inviting me on them. Now grow up and mind your fucking manners."

Oh this is good

Lethaldrizzle · 06/03/2018 13:47

I can't believe you paid for him the first time. That's incredibly generous

LagunaBubbles · 06/03/2018 14:05

I cant believe you paid £2 for her boyfriend to come on holiday!
Obviously I meant £2000 Blush

mojito55 · 06/03/2018 14:15

YABU to even consider taking him! My parents didn't pay for my holidays when I was 19 - they'd have laughed in my face if I'd asked them to pay for my boyfriend.

MorganKitten · 06/03/2018 14:23

Sorry why did you pay for her boyfriend? Surly that was for his parents(or him) to pay for.
Invite her, tell her he has to pay his way, if she still doesn't want to join you then find someone for her to stay with (or his family seeing as you paid for him before), you leave her alone and there will be houseparties...

RedPanda2 · 06/03/2018 15:11

Being around arguing couples is my nightmare (why are they arguing so much) it creates so much tension and ruins it. Leave her at home!

Motoko · 06/03/2018 15:20

It's one thing inviting the boyfriend if you were going self catering in the UK and there was room in the house you were hiring, that would be ok, but to pay £2K for him to come on a holiday abroad was totally unnecessary.

You need to put your foot down. She's an adult now. You should leave her at home. Who's paying for her other holidays?

Ragwort · 06/03/2018 15:26

Seriously do not take her, I am amazed so many teenagers actually want to go on holiday with their parents (no doubt because they are being paid for). I didn't go on holiday with my parents from age 13.

I do now go away with my mother and we have a great time (she is mid 80s and I am late 50s Grin).

And no way should you be paying for her boyfriend to go with you.

I've got a teenage DS and I certainly wouldn't be paying for his girlfriend to join us on holiday - and if he wanted to have a holiday with his girlfriend he could do so - at his own expense - and personally I don't see the fun of sharing a holiday with teenagers.

LeighaJ · 06/03/2018 15:27

"I think it would be perfectly reasonable to tell your daughter that you can't afford to take her boyfriend and that while she is of course encouraged to join you, it's her choice if she refuses."

Agree with that. I'm honestly shocked they thought it was reasonable before for you to pick up the tab for him.

FakeMews · 06/03/2018 15:47

And no way should you be paying for her boyfriend to go with you.
Why not if you can afford it?
First of all I disagree with many posters who resent the fact that you are paying for adult DC to join you on holiday. My parents never took me on holiday after I was 13 but I like to think I do things differently!

My adult DC always come on at least one holiday a year with us for which I pay. I have also paid for their GFs to come several times.
We can comfortably afford it and they cannot.
However they are extremely appreciative of it and also fantastic company. The gf is lovely and gets on well with everyone. I also choose holidays that appeal to everyone.

This is different. Your DD doesn't sound very nice company with or without the BF and I would only take her if she changed her attitude.

pallisers · 06/03/2018 15:52

I would pay for my adult child to go on holiday with me - he is a university student. If he wanted to come, I'd pay.

In your case OP I would say to her that her boyfriend is not invited. She is and she has until x date to decide - after that you will be booking for just the rest of you.

I'm surprised you paid for him to go long haul tbh. Also surprised you put up with their drama - and her amazing sense of entitlement. And whatever job your 18 year old has, I'd like to have too - all those holidays.

hazell42 · 06/03/2018 16:34

I would pay towards her trip away with her boyfriend. Then she can't say she's been left out and you don't have to put up with him. Or her either. Win win. Contribute whatever you would have spent on her ticket.

phoenix1973 · 06/03/2018 16:36

Yanbu. The ones I know don't want to go with their parents.
I doubt we'll be taking DD and partner abroad at 18, but you never can tell.

Original poster
fadingintothewallpaper · 16/04/2018 08:23

I thought I'd update this thread, as we booked the holiday and world war 3 has ensued, so I've had to reread the thread a few times to remind myself of 'normal' perspective.

We asked dd if she wanted to come - she didn't, partly because she would leave her boyfriend, and partly because of college exams which we offered to book around but this was declined.

We booked flights, finalised accommodation, and then yesterday when she realised we were going anyway we had screaming and shouting. The main points seem to be that we never take her on holiday, we don't love her, she isn't a part of our family, we should have ignored her and booked around college dates anyway, we should give her the money or treat her to something nice to make up for not going.

I can now look forward to six months worth of arguments and tantrums 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
fadingintothewallpaper · 16/04/2018 08:30

Oh and the worst of it was a threat to kill herself, or leave college and throw away her course because she feels so upset. I don't think for a minute she would actually do anything of the sort (it's the sort of threats and manipulation we've had for years and years) but it's still upsetting. I guess that's what she relies on.

OP posts:
Raven88 · 16/04/2018 08:34

I would remind her that she is an adult. When she is having a tantrum secretly film it and show her it back.

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