To go on holiday without my teenager?

[fadingintothewallpaper]

I'd be really interested in an outside perspective on this as I can't decide if what we are considering is reasonable or not.

Daughter is 18, 19 this summer, and a full time student. We would like to book a holiday to the US for two weeks this autumn, to include her, her siblings and dh and I. Our daughter will only come on holiday with us if her boyfriend is allowed to come, however. We took him on a long haul holiday last year, and it cost us the best part of £2k for his share. He is a nice lad, we like him a lot, but his presence inevitably changes the family dynamic (as you'd expect, and as is possibly inevitable within the family anyway as children grow up) and he and dd argue quite a lot. There were instances on the last holiday of one or both of them storming off for hours, refusing to get out of the car at a destination, refusing to come into a restaurant etc, not talking to one another, perhaps every couple of days. It overshadowed the holiday. It's not a destination where they can be terribly independent either.

Since then we have been on a couple of UK holidays without them. She refused to come without him, I refused to take him and it caused upset. We now want to go long haul and she will be very upset and angry that we are going on a special holiday without her. However we can't afford to take her boyfriend, don't want to if I'm honest (because of the arguing, not because of him per se), and don't want to not go simply because she is refusing to come. That doesn't seem fair on her siblings.

To avoid drip feeding, she is going away this year with him - they are having a week all inclusive in Spain, a week in France, a week skiing. However that doesn't really change the fact she would be left out of the family holiday.

Would we be unreasonable to go without her?

Leave her to it. Actions and consequences. She said she didn’t want to go on the holiday so she isn’t going. Time for her to learn she’s an adult not a toddler.

Do not let this spoil your holiday.

An excellent lesson from her.

*for

I suspect she thought we would cave and not go, or sort it so that she and her boyfriend could both come.

We are just going to have to ride it out.

I can scarcely believe what I am reading here , that an 18 year old could be quite so demanding and brattish. Stand firm on this OP, like a rock, sounds like it's about time someone stood up to her. Your description of their behaviour on your last holiday made my blood boil; ruining everyone's time like that! How dare they?!

"You know what darling, if we're such awful parents to you, seeing as you are an adult I suggest you find your own place to live and support yourself financially. We can't expect you to continue living in a situation that is so horrendously unfair to you, so you have until 1 June to find alternative accommodation."

I imagine that this is incredibly difficult and upsetting for you OP so have a hand hold!

You're actually teaching her an incredibly valuable lesson - she thought she could manipulate you into getting her way, and you called her bluff. She won't like the consequences of that but regardless, she knew what they would be in advance and she took the risk. It will be very helpful for her to know for the rest of her life that she can't behave that way and expect to be accomodated.

Just keep reminding her that you do love her but that she made her choice very explicitly! She will get over it eventually, and she will think twice next time before trying to force you to do things her way.

My DD is a similar age and I can't believe you are even questioning whether or not you should agree to her boyfriend coming. As far as I'm concerned adult children are lucky to be invited at all. I certainly wasn't invited on my parents' holidays after 18. No way would I take her desires into consideration with regard to holidays. Just tell her what is on offer and she can either agree or choose to stay at home. She has got a real nerve and needs to grow up.

No that's ridiculous!

I stopped going on family holidays at 14 just because my parents always stayed in some sleepy Mediterranean village with no nightlife, and I hated getting woken up at 7am by my 4y/o brother, haha.

I think you have just taught your DD a very valuable lesson! You have done exactly the right thing.

You should go on holiday and leave your DD if she doesn't want to go without BF. She's having enough holidays anyway.
I stopped going away with my parents when I was 16 and started going away with my BF when I was 18, it wasn't until we were older with our own DS that we did a family holiday

If at that age I had a screaming and shouting tantrum about not going on holiday with my parents I would have been told grow the fuck up, in those exact words. My parents have little tolerance for appalling behaviour and you've built a rod for your own back by pandering to her previously. Your kid is acting like a spoilt brat.

You gave her options and she made a choice. She's got no argument here. Keep reminding yourself of that. Weather it and enjoy your holiday.

When I was 19 my parents took my younger brother to Disney for a fortnight. So I've been where she is now - I definitely didn't throw a wobbly about it or make anyone feel bad. I had a job and needed to earn to pay off my overdraft!

She is behaving terribly. You have been more than reasonable. Stand firm and she will have to calm down.
Does your DD still live with you? I just wondered as you are talking about 6 months of tantrums.
As an aside, how does a full time student afford a week of skiing plus two other holidays a year? Most people in full time employment can't afford anything approaching this amount of holidays in a year!

You offered, she declined. She will learn from this.

Why is she so angry? She’s obviously deeply unreasonable but it’s a really disproportionate reaction to a holiday so what’s going on beneath the surface?

Is she step child? Is she on drugs? Is her boyfriend abusive? I know teenagers can be a right pain but this seems odd.

Wow just read the update, my own DD is a similar age (well about a year younger) and I would be horrified if she behaved that way. I'm glad you didn't give in to her, remember she's supposed to be an adult, you wouldn't be doing her any favours by allowing her to behave that way and then get her own way as well. She sounds like a toddler

No offence OP but I have always believed that within certain variables you get the children that you deserve. If she's acting like a brat at 18 it is because of your past history and how you brought her up. As others have said you made a rod for your own back.
My sister did exactly the same and gave in far too easy on the small things, not setting boundaries etc so she ( my neice) refused to accept not getting her own way on the big things. Cue several years of emotional turmoil in their house until she moved out to her own place. The good news is that they get on like a house on fire now.
It's never too late to make a change though and you are doing the right thing.
Stick to your guns.👍

Jaysus!
Smacked arse.
Bed.
No Top of the Pops for 2 weeks.
This is what DD, now 42, says would have been her fate if she ever behaved like this.
Mind you it was the 70's and she was a tad younger.
Stick to your guns OP and best of luck.

What a bloody drama queen. Ignore her and if she continues invite her to live elsewhere and see if anyone else will put up with her brattish entitled behaviour.

Wow I’m 22 and your daughter sounds like a spoilt wanker. I would never do this to my family and she needs to grow the fuck up or get the fuck out.

Thanks for the update, and glad you're standing firm. She sounds like a spoilt toddler. She seems to have amnesia regarding holidays, I suppose going on holiday with you, and her boyfriend tagging along, is just a figment of your imagination. When she pulls that shit again, just show her the photos.

I agree with pps that you should tell her she might be better off moving out if it's so shit living at home.

Honestly, my parents divorced when I was in my mid teens, and we didn't have any more holidays after that, but when my dad (brother and I lived with him) went on holiday with his sister, I was happy for him, and loved having the house to myself and my boyfriend.

Crikey op. I think you have !ore problems than a holiday booking.

I know how difficult teens can be so that is not a criticism but you really need to take her out to lunch on neutral territory where she can't kickoff and set out your expectations of her now as an adult ie no manipulative threats, taking responsibility for one's own actions, not off-loading neagitivity and stress on to everyone else around her, paying her own way, gratitude and respect. Tell her that anything less will NOT be tolerated. Tell her you love her too much to allow her to continue to behave like this, because she is better than that. And follow through. Good luck op.

Do. Not. Bend. She had her chance.