To think my mum crossed a line?

[Iamstegosaurusthethird]

This happened a while ago but I'm really struggling to get past it, obviously my mum thinks she's done nothing wrong!
We were staying at my mum's, when my dd came down with chicken pox. Obviously she was covered in spots and feeling very sorry for herself but nothing unmanageable by is at home. My mum kept offering to phone her drs for us and my self and DH both said it was unnessecery. We'd been to the pharmacy were following their advice, she didn't have a massive temp so a gp visit was a waste of time. Anyway the next thing I know she's thrusting the phone at me saying I've called the Dr they want to speak with you. I spoke to the Dr and they agreed a visit was unnessecery and we were managing the symptoms fine. I got off the phone and told my mum I didn't need her intervening her reply was she was so worried and as a grandparent she needed to take responsibility. AIBU to think she crossed a line as BOTH parents were there and didn't think a dr was needed. This isn't the first time she's meddled when it's unnessecery. She maintains I'm overreacting but I'm so cross she wasted the GP's time and she doesn't trust me to make informed decisions about my own child's care.

Yes she crossed the line. YANBU
Grandparents have NO responsibility at all unless asked for advice.

She crossed a line and has basically said you and your husband are not to be trusted as parents.

I would have a very stern sit down chat with her to let her know it's unacceptable and cannot happen again without consequences.

Thanks she's just so adamant she was right I've started doubting myself! Feel like she still thinks I'm four not thirty four!

She probably does think she's right, but that's neither here nor there. Bascially she gave you a vote of no confidence as parents. I would really have a good sit down talk with her. Goodness knows what she's going to do if she ever has the little one on her own!

God how annoying, how can she think she was still right when the dr agreed with you?

You need to talk to her more about this, her intrusion is unnessesary and ridiculous

If you had seen the pharmacist and they said you need to see the dr if x happened an x had happened and you did nothing she would have been right. But you were following medical advice and been sensible.

It was have been very irresponsible to take a contiguous child to the GP especially as they can’t do anything.

Did she have a reason to be overly worried about it? When I had chicken pox as a child I was very ill and apparently went from being pretty much ok to being very very not ok in a matter of hours. So when my kids had chicken pox my mum did get very anxious and upset about the whole thing, she lives far away so didn't call the Dr or anything but if we were at her house I can imagine her doing that. Does she intervene in your parenting normally? If not I would probably let it go.

I would take a slightly different view - it’s not really really ‘crossing a line’ - it’s just the worrying of a fearful Grandma. Yes she interfered when she shouldn’t, yes she ignored your reassurances and yes she overreacted but in her mind, however irrational, she was fearful. Illness can make care-givers fearful. As for wasting GPs time - it was a brief phone call - GPs are usually happy to give reassurance - it’s annoying but I wouldn’t call it crossing a line.

My MIL was like this, forever worrying herself senseless about various ailments the children had when they were little (they’re very much alive teenagers now) even though I was managing them perfectly ok. Most were my fault or the fault of our central heating germinating viruses, our lack of unopened windows in the middle of winter, my not giving doses of cod liver oil daily and many other prehistoric ideas.

We just laughed it off and did our best to counter her arguments. Try not to fall out about it - and hope your DD is better soon.

Is she very anxious in general? It certainly sounds very OTT. Does she have a history of going over your head with things?

I wouldn't keep going over it though. It's done now!

Yes, it's annoying, but it comes from a good place, love of her GC.

Just let it go, life's too short.

My mum can be a bit like this at times too.
Its like she has a 'Mum knows best' mentality and hasn't realised that actually, I'm the mum in this situation. You're still her child and she probably does have a sense of responsibility for you and your DD. She needs to let you get on with parenting your child in the way that you see is the best, not her way.

But at the end of the day, its not a massive deal, you've just got to be firm but polite. She's your mum at the end of the day and its not worth kicking up a big fuss about.

She maintains I'm overreacting

-Tell her that she can tell herself that all she likes if it makes her feel better about what happened, but if she's got any sense she will realise that the important thing is that this is about YOUR life, and YOUR children. So actually, even if you were totally overreacting, YOU still have the whip hand. If you feel, for whatever reason, that the dynamic doesn't work for you and YOUR family - you'll end up distancing yourself, and she will suffer - not you. You have no obligation to put up with anyone else barging in and telling you how to care for your kids, clean your home, do your job, fold your knickers. Even if you do all of those things extremely badly - it's still none of her business, and you can decide anytime you like to tell her to stay out of your home and life if she can't completely accept that you're just as much an adult as her next-door neighbour and she has no more right to tell you what to do than she does them.

she's just so adamant she was right

Well, she wasn't, was she? Firstly she wasn't right because it wasn't her child and no she did not have the slightest bit of 'responsibility' - as per above. And secondly, she wasn't right because the doctor confirmed that you were right and she was WRONG. Again, she can tell herself she was right all she likes - but it will only convince you even more that she is perhaps someone you don't want so closely involved in you and your kids life and decisions, as it's clearly only gonig to cause upset.

So - her choice. She can open her eyes and realise what relationship she actually has here (clue: it doesn't involve any kind of parental role, at all) or she can fuck it up and end up being the granny who doesn't get to hear about/be involved in stuff because it's not worth the hassle.

What you have here is quite possibly different generational advice, i’m no expert on the chicken pox but quite possibly when you were small r when she was small it was seen as a more “dangerous” childhood illness.

It’s like being told off for not wearing a coat in the cold, really annoying but would you not prefer the person who wants you to keep warm in the coat and obviously cares than the person who actively sends you out in a t-shirt not giving a damn?

You will always be HER baby even with your own baby. She’s over reacted butbet it was in a protective way rather than vindictive. 🙂

I am a gm. When my own dc were little l was totally chilled. They only had the doctor if they were falling down and life went on during sickness and stuff. Now l have my gd. My first instinct is bring her to a doctor. Don¥'t let her out with out a coat.( mine rarely were too wrapped up) its an age thing and the effect gks have on you. My protective thing raises up and menopause has increased my health anxiety( never had any) so cut her some slack. If she is usually ok leave it go.

You are over reacting. She loves and cares for her grandchild and sounds incredibly anxious.
Why not show so care for your mother instead of only thinking about your own feelings?

My mom used to do stuff like this all the time. When DD was a newborn she kept shoving loads of blankets on her even when I’d said she was fine. It used to make me feel like shit. Anyway the one day we were in the car and she said something that triggered something and I burst into tears. I told her how shit she was making me feel, she cried then as well as she thought she was helping and was mortified that I felt like this. This was 7 months ago and it hasn’t happened again. My nan is the worst though but I just let that go over my head.

She was worried. You do daft things when you're worried.
Some children can get very ill with chicken pox and your mother, having had a longer life, has probably come across this more often than someone half her age.
I don't think she crossed a line, just became overly anxious.
I'd just let it go.

You're over reacting.

She was worried and you need to move on

If she had been right and you'd been wrong how would you feel?

I agree but I've no idea how people emerge from families and operate as adults with all boundaries all always at the right height and intact etc.

My own family is not like this. My parents look out for my child which is great but they also let themselves in to my house and a million other tiny infringements. So to speak. I'm aware of it but I just try to see it for what it is. A different time

It's the sort of thing that my DM would do, she constantly tries to be in charge. She does it from a kind place, but it can be suffocating.

I've just adjusted my boundaries with her, and given her less chance to try and 'help'.

Tbh, if this is a regular thing, then you do need to establish clear boundaries. If she's usually ok, then let it go, ultimately no harm was done.

You are over reacting.

How the hell is she over-reacting? Stuff like that pisses me RIGHT off - it's basically treating you like kids and undermining you as parents!
She needs to butt out and leave the parenting to y' know, the parents.

If, in a hypothetical situation, you genuinely thought that a relative or friend was doing something potentially dangerous with a child, what would you do?

I think OP need to look at it like this.
There is a child in YOUR HOUSE who is ill. The parents are not caring for the child in way you think is right .
What would you do ?
A responsible person would phone Dr or SS or childline or NSPPC .
You were not taking care of a child in way that she thought was right so she phone Dr for help . Nothing wrong there.
There might come a day when you will have phone Dr for your mum.

We'd been to the pharmacy were following their advice, she didn't have a massive temp

Parents had been to the pharmacy, were following advice given, didn't have a temperature and seemed not unwell enough to warrant a trip to the doctors.
You don't usually take trips to the doctors for chicken pox anyway - you usually just sit it out at home and wait for it to run its course!
If your child doesn't have a temp, seems OK but the grandparents decide you're doing it all wrong and ring the doctor up for you and blindside you by saying "dr's on the phone, he wants a word with you"- anybody would surely be annoyed at that! Like you're a little kid yourself! Seriously, not OK.