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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mum crossed a line?

129 replies

Iamstegosaurusthethird · 05/03/2018 08:39

This happened a while ago but I'm really struggling to get past it, obviously my mum thinks she's done nothing wrong!
We were staying at my mum's, when my dd came down with chicken pox. Obviously she was covered in spots and feeling very sorry for herself but nothing unmanageable by is at home. My mum kept offering to phone her drs for us and my self and DH both said it was unnessecery. We'd been to the pharmacy were following their advice, she didn't have a massive temp so a gp visit was a waste of time. Anyway the next thing I know she's thrusting the phone at me saying I've called the Dr they want to speak with you. I spoke to the Dr and they agreed a visit was unnessecery and we were managing the symptoms fine. I got off the phone and told my mum I didn't need her intervening her reply was she was so worried and as a grandparent she needed to take responsibility. AIBU to think she crossed a line as BOTH parents were there and didn't think a dr was needed. This isn't the first time she's meddled when it's unnessecery. She maintains I'm overreacting but I'm so cross she wasted the GP's time and she doesn't trust me to make informed decisions about my own child's care.

OP posts:

george49 · 05/03/2018 13:08

She didn't force your child down to the GP - she made a phone call to set her own mind at rest. She was obviously worried.

Yes it's a bit meddlesome but I think you need to get over it. Not a big deal.

CadyHeron · 05/03/2018 13:10

A responsible person would phone Dr or SS or childline or NSPPC

Over chicken pox?!
The fact that the parents were following trained advice and the child had no temperature and seemed ok aside, as well as the grandparents do not have parental responsibility so not really their call to say whether they should call a doctor or not over chicken pox that was already being dealt with.

george49 · 05/03/2018 13:13

I don't think anyone is trying to say that the DGM was reasonable to call the doctors.

It's just that in the grand scheme of things, it's not worth WW3

If I sat my mum down and talked about "consequences" she'd (quite rightly) tell me to get over myself.

CarraBos · 05/03/2018 13:16

if my mother had done that to me, it would have been the last time she would have seen me or my child

You alright, hun?

CadyHeron · 05/03/2018 13:18

If I sat my mum down and talked about "consequences" she'd (quite rightly) tell me to get over myself.

Which is why people do "let it go", or don't say anything, as it's making a fuss and causing WW3 - only to have to end up having to pull back and away a bit as the interfering gets too much.

DeadGood · 05/03/2018 13:20

"So, to be the same as in this case - if FIL had have ignored your wishes and called you an ambulance even though you didn't want or need one - you'd have been OK with that and not annoyed?"

Yes, I think I'd be annoyed because it would then be on me to do some explaining. But I wouldn't consider it a "crossed line" because I would put the phone down, say "what the hell was that FIL" and then move on. It wouldn't affect our relationship going forward, I would just think he was being a bit of a pill.

CadyHeron · 05/03/2018 13:22

deadgood OP says her mum has form for doing stuff like that and "meddling unnecessarily."
So it'd mean your FIL was often going over your head and ignoring you,not listening to you and making your decisions for you.

sinceyouask · 05/03/2018 13:23

her reply was she was so worried and as a grandparent she needed to take responsibility.

I could handle her being worried and calling the GP, although I'd still have been irritated and told her she shouldn't have done it. But I'd be very cross at the "needed to take responsibility" line, because it's not her responsibility and that wasn't what she was doing. She was trying to take control.

There is a child in YOUR HOUSE who is ill. The parents are not caring for the child in way you think is right . What would you do ? A responsible person would phone Dr or SS or childline or NSPPC
A person who did that in the situation OP describes would be batshit, not responsible.

DeadGood · 05/03/2018 13:25

"I wouldn’t do what your Mum did in that particular situation, but if for example I suspected my GGD has meningitis and my GD was brushing it off, I would do something about it. I wouldn’t just say ‘I’m not her Mum’. I’d rather risk pissing my GD off than allowing my GGD to go untreated."

I agree with this.

I think the OP is making this all about herself - how embarrassed she felt at being handed a phone unexpectedly, how she is concerned now that her GP will think she is "that mother", how she was anxious that she was wasting the doctor's time. Not to mention that she feels undermined by her mother.

But this event had very little to do with her, really. The grandmother was worried about the child. Not stopping to think "oh if I do this maybe my adult daughter will be offended... best do nothing."

OP, you know you are a good mother, so stop allowing yourself to feel undermined by these things. Brush them off.

DeadGood · 05/03/2018 13:29

"deadgood OP says her mum has form for doing stuff like that and "meddling unnecessarily."
So it'd mean your FIL was often going over your head and ignoring you,not listening to you and making your decisions for you."

Yes, but I don't allow other people to make decisions for me. If he'd literally "ordered" an ambulance for me, and it showed up to the house (I know it doesn't work that way) I would refuse to go to the door and advise him to explain himself to the paramedics. Short of being sectioned, no one can actually force you into a stretcher.

In the OP's case: was was handed a phone and had to have a conversation with someone which confirmed what she already knew. Nothing actually happened. She feels embarrassed and irritated. That's all. Not worth making a big deal over.

I get that mothers can be interfering and annoying, but this particular example? Nah. Just couldn't get angry about it.

Tainbri · 05/03/2018 13:30

She only did it because she cares. Annoying yes, but I think you should let it go. You'd probably be even more upset if you're daughter was ill and she told you not to make a fuss and you were over reacting. My mother's the same, infuriating. She's spent the last week phoning me to tell me it's cold (really?!) and to make sure that I have told DS to wear a vest!

CadyHeron · 05/03/2018 13:36

In the OP's case: was was handed a phone and had to have a conversation with someone which confirmed what she already knew. Nothing actually happened

Nothing actually happened - apart from undermining both the parents as they obviously didn't know what they were talking about (even though they were following advice). Prone to "meddling" - ie often ignoring and taking over - yep, a few years down the line the mum'll no doubt be wondering or on here baffled because they've seemingly pulled away and they've "done nothing wrong."

DalekDalekDalek · 05/03/2018 13:50

She definitely crossed the line and phoning the doctor really wasn't necessary. I would think she was just very worried though and that caused her to act like that.
You were right and you are right to be annoyed with her for it but I think I would let it go now, it's not worth falling out over.
Just know that you were right and she was wrong (as confirmed by the doctor). People do stupid things when they are worried.

HamishBamish · 05/03/2018 13:58

Yes, she did cross a line. She should have respected your decision not to call the Dr.

I do wonder why she was so worried though. Chicken pox used to have a far more serious outcome many years ago and perhaps she knew someone who because badly ill?

My PIL are very cautious about illness and ensuring total recovery before exercise as someone in the family became seriously ill when they exercised whilst coming down with the flu. They weren't expected to survive at one point. It is slightly ott, but I know their concern comes from the right place and they only want the best for their grandchildren. Perhaps this is the case for your mum?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/03/2018 14:28

I’m a grandmother. I’m also a mother who as a younger adult was around when two of my cousins died from chicken pox, I’m frightened of chicken pox to the point that all my children have been vaccinated against it and I offered topay for my grandchildren to also have it.

However unless your child is neglectful abusive or generally so stupid that they make crazy decisions in the absence of any great stress event such as a obvious first aid emergency or clear impression of something needing urgent medical advice or genuine safeguarding issue you do not over ride the parents and go over their heads to professionals.
If my child made a different decision to one I would make in a medical situation then the first thing you do is step back and asses your own reaction, if needed you look at the nhs web page then form your opinion based on that, if you still feel they are wrong you don’t do things covertly or in a underhand way you be honest.

If it turns out you were wrong you apologise and take steps to reevaluate your response and actions in future

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/03/2018 14:36

I understand why you're angry but maybe people took their kids to the GP for chicken pox in the 70s and 80s

Back then it was largely ignored treated as a very minor thing and chicken pox parties were not unusual at all

BertrandRussell · 05/03/2018 14:49

I thought generally, people take chicken pox much more seriously now than they ever did in the past.

I’m wondering what people would think/do if a grandparent took things into their own hands like this and turned out to be right?

eternalopt · 05/03/2018 14:55

She crossed the line, but I think it might be a generational thing. My mum was mortified when I didn't take mine to the drs when they had chickenpox and I remember getting home visits from the gp for stuff which they wouldn't dream of doing these days. Think checking everything used to be the norm (before the internet could diagnose everything for us!)

DeadGood · 05/03/2018 14:58

"Nothing actually happened - apart from undermining both the parents as they obviously didn't know what they were talking about (even though they were following advice). Prone to "meddling" - ie often ignoring and taking over - yep, a few years down the line the mum'll no doubt be wondering or on here baffled because they've seemingly pulled away and they've "done nothing wrong.""

I dunno, I still just couldn't get that worked up about it. But maybe that is because I had a pretty good relationship with my mum. If it was my MIL or stepmother, I can definitely imagine my hackles being raised more.

So I guess it depends a bit on the relationship. I could never think the worst of my own mother, ie. that she was purposely undermining me. I'm also fairly confident in my own parenting skills. But if our relationship was different, and if I had doubts about my own abilities, I'm sure I would feel differently.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/03/2018 15:22

I’m wondering what people would think/do if a grandparent took things into their own hands like this and turned out to be right?

That would count on the op lying.

There was nothing she had to be right about the child was exhibiting no symptoms at all that would lead a person who knew the parents had already taken professional advice from the correct source to legitimately believe that they could be correct.
And given that she called her own GP rather than the hospital or 999 there was nothing to suggest there was any urgency behind her decision so no likelihood that the op is lying

BertrandRussell · 05/03/2018 15:33

I don’t think the OP is lying and I have already said that I think her mother over reacted. But lots of people have said that grandparents (or anyone else) should always defer to the parents-I’m wondering if there are circumstances where they shouldn’t:?

gussyfinknottle · 05/03/2018 15:54

My US family are horrified that we don't vaccinate against CP. it's what is normal for you. She doesn't have daily experience of CP and, back in the 70s , when I got it, the GP would be more involved.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 05/03/2018 15:56

But lots of people have said that grandparents (or anyone else) should always defer to the parents-I’m wondering if there are circumstances where they shouldn’t:?

Clear, immediate danger to the child which has to be resolved right now.

Long-term, systematic concerns about abuse of a nature which would require the intervention of social services or your local equivalent.

Not, as a quick trip to Reddit or DWIL would show, the usual reasons grandmothers call social services: I want to visit today and you say tomorrow; I don't like the toys or clothes you buy your children; I want to cut your child's hair; you're lying when you say your child has an allergy and I want to feed them allergens to prove you are lying; you're abusive by breast feeding; you're going to make the children gay by doing that; what's wrong with smoking and being paralytically drunk around babies; my dogs come first; etc.

Or a quick trip to Gransnet's laughable "cut out of their lives" thread, in which people with absolutely no self-awareness wail about being kept from their grandchildren when every word they write demonstrates precisely why they are kept from their grandchildren.

Yes, of course there are situations in which there is danger to a child and responsible adults should intervene. However, that is very much the edge case for the more usual scenario of batshit crazy grandparents who aren't getting their own way using the organs of the state to harass and intimidate their children.

BertrandRussell · 05/03/2018 16:10

“However, that is very much the edge case for the more usual scenario of batshit crazy grandparents who aren't getting their own way using the organs of the state to harass and intimidate their children.”

Ah.

DGRossetti · 05/03/2018 16:12

eminently believable, I'm afraid.

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