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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mum crossed a line?

129 replies

Iamstegosaurusthethird · 05/03/2018 08:39

This happened a while ago but I'm really struggling to get past it, obviously my mum thinks she's done nothing wrong!
We were staying at my mum's, when my dd came down with chicken pox. Obviously she was covered in spots and feeling very sorry for herself but nothing unmanageable by is at home. My mum kept offering to phone her drs for us and my self and DH both said it was unnessecery. We'd been to the pharmacy were following their advice, she didn't have a massive temp so a gp visit was a waste of time. Anyway the next thing I know she's thrusting the phone at me saying I've called the Dr they want to speak with you. I spoke to the Dr and they agreed a visit was unnessecery and we were managing the symptoms fine. I got off the phone and told my mum I didn't need her intervening her reply was she was so worried and as a grandparent she needed to take responsibility. AIBU to think she crossed a line as BOTH parents were there and didn't think a dr was needed. This isn't the first time she's meddled when it's unnessecery. She maintains I'm overreacting but I'm so cross she wasted the GP's time and she doesn't trust me to make informed decisions about my own child's care.

OP posts:

LizzieCorday · 05/03/2018 10:57

How the hell is she over-reacting? Stuff like that pisses me RIGHT off - it's basically treating you like kids and undermining you as parents!

In much the same way as you are over reacting!

CadyHeron · 05/03/2018 11:01

In much the same way as you are over reacting!

So anyone who doesn't agree with you and thinks that it's not OK for grandparents to undermine and go over your head is over-reacting.
Alrighty then.

DGRossetti · 05/03/2018 11:02

My batshit MiL would have done something like this. She used her " concern" for DS as an excuse to (try to) control both DW and my lives. Ultimately ended up with her and her DP physically assaulting me and and DW, and police involvement.

Trinity66 · 05/03/2018 11:09

Meh, it would be annoying but it's not the end of the world is it? I wouldn't be falling out with her over it or dwelling too much on it

Branleuse · 05/03/2018 11:12

maybe slightly pushing the line but barely. She was just worried and the liklihood is she cares about your baby as much as she did for her own babies, so cut her some slack unless there is a massive backstory?

HumphreyCobblers · 05/03/2018 11:16

But Bertrand, the parents took a logical approach to the situation AND consulted a pharmacist. This is entirely reasonable,appropriate and proportionate. Therefore the grandmother was wrong.

I would feel mildly annoyed if it was a one off and agree with you that it was just grandmotherly concern, but if it was a repeating pattern I would wonder why my mother had so little opinion of my judgement.

LemonBreeland · 05/03/2018 11:22

I don't understand how she can still maintain she was right when the Dr agreed with you.

It would really annoy me too.

LonginesPrime · 05/03/2018 11:23

My mother used to do this kind of thing and thought it was great to railroad me into speaking to someone by calling them on my behalf like this.

She stopped when I refused to speak to them as it was then between her and the person she had called and made her look quite silly.

windchimesabotage · 05/03/2018 11:23

I think you are over reacting but not because it wasnt a bad thing for your mum to do- it most certainly was a bad thing for her to do- but just because you should not let this worry you. YOU are the parent and she is not. Just ignore stuff like this and dont keep thinking about it like you are doing. Shes just a bit overbearing but I think the best way to deal with that is to completely ignore it, remain calm and have clear boundaries. Dont get sucked into doubting yourself or worrying about it.
She was in the wrong, you know that so all you need to do if it ever happens again is say 'No. Thats not what we have decided/think is best' and entertain none of her arguments. The end.

People like this rely on denting your self confidence to get away with it. Dont let your confidence be dented. Say 'no' explain why once, then completely ignore further interference.

CarraBos · 05/03/2018 11:24

Let it go, OP.

She might have been alarmed by (perfectly true) stories of children dying of chicken pox. It's rare but sadly does happen. You didn't waste the doctor's time - it was just a quick phone call.

She wasn't undermining your parenting - she was just worrying about people she loves.

implantsandaDyson · 05/03/2018 11:25

I think she crossed a very big line actually. Both parents had made a very sensible decision about their child's care. They had consulted a pharmacist, child wasn't ill apart from the grumpiness and uncomfortableness that chickenpox brings. The parents had both adressed the question about the GP being contacted and still the grandmother thought it was appropriate to ignore both parents and phone a GP off her own bat. Of course she was undermining your parenting decisions and not the first time according to your original post.

CadyHeron · 05/03/2018 11:26

She wasn't undermining your parenting - she was just worrying about people she loves.

She isn't the parent though. Parenting decisions are up to the parent. Grandparents don't (or shouldn't) take over and do it themselves if they don't like what the parents are doing or think they're "doing it wrong."

DeadGood · 05/03/2018 11:28

It is right that people put the needs of the child over the feelings of the parent.

In this instance you were right: a doctor's visit was not needed. Your mother has also now been satisfied that in a doctor's opinion the visit was unnecessary. It is ok that she doesn't trust your opinion really, as (unless you've not mentioned it) you are not medically trained. In her day, it was probably much more encouraged to go see the doctor when anything, no matter how small, was wrong.

My FIL was baffled that we didn't call an ambulance when I went into labour. I rolled my eyes at the time, but I wasn't angry FFS. Things have changed.

But basically here you are worried about your own feelings, when actually your mum just did what she thought was right and responsible.

BertrandRussell · 05/03/2018 11:29

"Grandparents don't (or shouldn't) take over and do it themselves if they don't like what the parents are doing or think they're "doing it wrong."
I agree she probably over reacted in this case. But do you think that other people should never take action if they genuinely feel the parents are in the wrong?

DGRossetti · 05/03/2018 11:29

She was just worried

Which becomes the excuse for any controlling or overbearing behaviour. And how can you push back against that ?

If that carries on, your DD will grow up knowing she can get whatever she wants if "Nan gets worried".

How often do you see your DM ?

CadyHeron · 05/03/2018 11:30

My FIL was baffled that we didn't call an ambulance when I went into labour. I rolled my eyes at the time, but I wasn't angry FFS. Things have changed.

So, to be the same as in this case - if FIL had have ignored your wishes and called you an ambulance even though you didn't want or need one - you'd have been OK with that and not annoyed?

NerrSnerr · 05/03/2018 11:33

Bloody hell, of course your mum crossed a huge line. The OP had already got advice from a healthcare professional and had it in hand. My mother in law does things like this because she still sees us as teenagers even though we’re married professionals with 2 children. It is massively annoying.

basilbrushe · 05/03/2018 11:34

would take a slightly different view - it’s not really really ‘crossing a line’ - it’s just the worrying of a fearful Grandma.

Disagree with this.

The worry of a fearful grandma is acceptable. For her to act upon it and call the doctor is crossing a massive line.

basilbrushe · 05/03/2018 11:37

My FIL was baffled that we didn't call an ambulance when I went into labour. I rolled my eyes at the time, but I wasn't angry FFS. Things have changed.

This is no comparison though? Your FIL didn't ignore what you said and phone an ambulance anyway!

Bluelady · 05/03/2018 11:38

At the end of the day the only person who can decide where the line's drawn and if she crossed it is you, OP. My test for this kind of thing is how much difference will it make in five or ten years time. Will you even remember it?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/03/2018 11:40

I don't think it's odd she was worried, or even that she rang the doctor.

But saying 'as a grandparent' she needs to 'take responsibility' is silly.

I think you need to separate the two. The first is the act of someone anxious, and it was perhaps a bit daft and irritating, but no harm was done.

The second thing is obviously upsetting. You need to sit down with her and explain, gently, that you really appreciate her concern but you are the parents and the responsibility is yours.

My brother had to go through a lot of this with my dad, who genuinely believed that 'as a grandparent' he should have the final say on all sorts of things. I very frequently feel so, so glad I had my children later, so some of that hard work managing expectations had been done! But I have still had a couple of 'talks' with dad when he's slipped into treating me as a child. It is incredibly irritating, but it isn't malicious.

AllEndsWell · 05/03/2018 11:42

Mine is the same. It's highly irritating but some things you just have to let go.

I think a lot of mothers of their generation over react when it comes to medical issues. Plus the internet does us no favours these days. Mine is always reading things online and taking everything as gospel truth.

I'd just say, look mum, I know you were concerned but I really don't appreciate you undermining me in that way. I was confident she would be ok and she was, therefore you really had no need to intervene.

DGRossetti · 05/03/2018 11:44

The worry of a fearful grandma is acceptable. For her to act upon it and call the doctor is crossing a massive line.

Will she start calling the nursery with her "worries" ?

The School ?

Your healthcare professionals ? Maybe any counsellor you may have ?

The Police ?

BTDTGTTS.

ittakes2 · 05/03/2018 11:45

I think you need to let it go. I'm sorry you felt undermined but she was obviously a worried grandmother. If she had physically taken your child to the doctor without your permission, I think thats another story. The world health organisation suggests countries vaccinate against chicken pox because it can be quite serious - America and Australia have a free vaccination programme for children. The UK doesn't - I'm guessing its the cost.

royaltunbridgewells · 05/03/2018 11:49

The important topic here is that the child is healthy. I doubt she knows everything about what's best for you child, but I doubt you know everything too. It's better to be on the safe side.

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