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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mum crossed a line?

129 replies

Iamstegosaurusthethird · 05/03/2018 08:39

This happened a while ago but I'm really struggling to get past it, obviously my mum thinks she's done nothing wrong!
We were staying at my mum's, when my dd came down with chicken pox. Obviously she was covered in spots and feeling very sorry for herself but nothing unmanageable by is at home. My mum kept offering to phone her drs for us and my self and DH both said it was unnessecery. We'd been to the pharmacy were following their advice, she didn't have a massive temp so a gp visit was a waste of time. Anyway the next thing I know she's thrusting the phone at me saying I've called the Dr they want to speak with you. I spoke to the Dr and they agreed a visit was unnessecery and we were managing the symptoms fine. I got off the phone and told my mum I didn't need her intervening her reply was she was so worried and as a grandparent she needed to take responsibility. AIBU to think she crossed a line as BOTH parents were there and didn't think a dr was needed. This isn't the first time she's meddled when it's unnessecery. She maintains I'm overreacting but I'm so cross she wasted the GP's time and she doesn't trust me to make informed decisions about my own child's care.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 05/03/2018 11:50

I have an adult DD who is still quite young, to me anyway. She is 22 and has a 2 year old DD.

I may advise, I sometimes tell her to talk to her MIL, who is a nurse, but even if worried, I might talk to her about my worries, but I would not ring the doctor. This is overstepping the mark.

I think you need to make sure she understands that you are not over reacting, you are reacting to her belief that she somehow 'outranks' you where your child is concerned and you need her to understand she doesn't.

CadyHeron · 05/03/2018 11:51

Exactly,DGRosetti.
Where does it stop? She obviously sees no problem with ringing the doctors over the parent's heads so presumably she could quite easily be doing the same when they're at nursery/school.
People see it as a "oh,let it go" but if they have form for going over your heads and ignoring your wishes it can be damaging.

This isn't the first time she's meddled when it's unnessecery.
Looks like she's well used to undermining if OP isn't doing parenting "right."
What happens when child gets old enough to notice what's going on and that parents are to be ignored as granny/grandad thinks they're being daft?

MsGameandWatching · 05/03/2018 11:53

I would have a very stern sit down chat with her to let her know it's unacceptable and cannot happen again without consequences.

Really ? I'd expect to be told right where to go if I did that with another adult family member.

YANBU OP. Just tell her, doesn't need a big deal making out of it.

CarraBos · 05/03/2018 11:59

OP - beware. There are posters on here deliberately whipping you up.

Let it go.

CadyHeron · 05/03/2018 12:01

OP - beware. There are posters on here deliberately whipping you up.

Beware? For having a different opinion or experiences to your own?

Crafters · 05/03/2018 12:02

She crossed a line. "As a grandparent she needed to take responsibility"?! WTF? So she thinks her role as a grandparent trumps yours as a parent?

She was undermining both of you. I'd have serious words about this.

CarraBos · 05/03/2018 12:02

Ha! I can just imagine what the adults in my family (including me) would do if we were warned "there'd be consequences"

RafikiIsTheBest · 05/03/2018 12:03

She was in the wrong, your child, you and DH were taking care of her and she shouldn't have interfered, but you are also overreacting. Unless there is a big history of stuff like this and it's just blown up I don't see the massive issue.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 05/03/2018 12:03

If I had been you, I’d have been furious too. I’d have felt undermined, disrespected and very fucking irritated.

However, from a distance I can put it into perspective. She loves her GD, she was extremely worried that she wasn’t getting the medical care she needed. In her mind she couldn’t stand back & do nothing, so risked upsetting you, to get the Dr involved.

Yes it undermined you, but honestly, she did it out of love for her GD, not out of spite.

My god daughter (who I’m very close to, like a daughter) is now a Mum, it’s hard to keep your mouth shut when you think things should be done differently, and it’s hard because although she’s a young adult she’s still my little girl. I want to protect both of them. I wouldn’t do what your Mum did in that particular situation, but if for example I suspected my GGD has meningitis and my GD was brushing it off, I would do something about it. I wouldn’t just say ‘I’m not her Mum’. I’d rather risk pissing my GD off than allowing my GGD to go untreated.

She was worried. Let it go.

wysteriafloribunba · 05/03/2018 12:06

Let it go. It was just a call, to set her mind at rest. One day you will no longer have a mum, and you'll look back at stuff like this and wonder why you were bothered.

FitBitFanClub · 05/03/2018 12:10

I would have, in her hearing, loudly apologised on your mum's behalf for wasting the doctor's time and that your dd has a normal case of chickenpox and you're following the pharmacist's advice but that you will, of course, ask for medical help if, in your opinion (as the parent), she deteriorates.

I would also have said a few loud "exactlys" and "I agrees" whilst on the phone to reiterate to your mum that you and the doctor are on the same page.

And then told my mum never to try to take over like that again.

FitBitFanClub · 05/03/2018 12:12

One day you will no longer have a mum Does that mean we can no longer ever get irritated with anyone because they're going to die one day in the future?

AIBU will cease to exist!

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 05/03/2018 12:17

I understand why you're angry but maybe people took their kids to the GP for chicken pox in the 70s and 80s.

My mum is 66 and it wouldn't occur to her to use a pharmacist as a medical opinion. I doubt she realises that they go through years of training and share a lot of classes with medical students at the beginning of uni.

I know that the Internet is supposed to make us paranoid about minor illnesses being cancer but I also think it's had the opposite effect too. MN has taught me about illnesses like worms, Scarlet Fever and Hand, Foot and Mouth which my kids have never had. I learned about stuff like how to deal with nits before my kids got them at school.

Lizzie48 · 05/03/2018 12:19

What helped me deal with my DM's interference in out parenting decisions was the realisation that actually I'm the one who has control over her input into our DDs' lives. It took one particular incident to give me the impetus to stand up to her. She's always undermined my parenting, intervening when I'm in the middle of telling my DDs off. But on this particular occasion she took it upon herself to say, 'I bought a chocolate each for you girls, but because you ran away from me, only your little sister will have one.' (DD1 had been really good up to that point as well.)

Then in the car DD2 gloated about the fact that she had a treat and DD2 didn't. I was really upset with my DM and told her that if she wanted to keep seeing the DDs she must never do that again. I've always found it difficult to stand up to her, so it really was a first. And she's far more accepting of boundaries now.

wysteriafloribunba · 05/03/2018 12:23

Fitbit if you take my comment at an extreme interpretation, maybe...

However, in the context of what appears to me a really minor thing, I think it stands.

My parents are nearing 80. I realise they may not be with me for that many more years. They have already outlived their own parents by about 15 years. Historically my family die young. I absolutely regret petty fall outs, and times I didn't visit, or call because I couldn't be bothered. Your mind set does change.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 05/03/2018 12:28

There is a child in YOUR HOUSE who is ill. The parents are not caring for the child in way you think is right .
What would you do ?
A responsible person would phone Dr or SS or childline or NSPPC .
You were not taking care of a child in way that she thought was right so she phone Dr for help .

No, just no. The parents of this child were not just brushing off the illness. They (plural, both parents here) had consulted a pharmacist, were following that advice and the child had no temp but just a little grumpy. There was absolutely no need to call anyone.

as a grandparent she needed to take responsibility

She doesn't have the responsibility, the parents of this child were following professional advice anyway.

This isn't the first time she's meddled when it's unnessecery.

So, she has form for undermining.

Dontoutmenow · 05/03/2018 12:34

Of course she crossed a line and if her anxiety is so bad she can’t stop herself doing things like this, she needs to get some help. The child was being cared for perfectly adequately and she has risked her relationship with her DD for what? To prove a point? To be the matriarch? To prove she’s in charge? How rude of her! Not to mention a waste of NHS time...

If she is so very genuinely worried about chicken pox (which I doubt, as there will be a next thing) then she should have offered to pay for the vaccine and this situation would never have arisen.

FitBitFanClub · 05/03/2018 12:42

Wisteria, "Your mind set does change." Not necessarily. My mother died last year at 84 and my dad is 86. Hasn't stopped me looking back with mild irritation at some of the crazy things from the past. I don't lose any sleep or get cross about it,though, as it is what it is, or was.

But if my mum had done what the OP's did, I would still pull her up on it.

FitBitFanClub · 05/03/2018 12:44

as a grandparent she needed to take responsibility

"As a grandparent," she HAD no responsibility, as both parents were there and were in charge. The only time she would have been justified in calling the doctor would have been if she was in sole charge and the parents unavailable.

WeAllHaveWings · 05/03/2018 12:45

Yes she crossed a line, but she seems as fearful and anxious as you are defensive and overreacting.

She did it because she was worried. You probably cant control her actions, but you can control your reactions by being firm, but kind to her, make your point and let it drop. Then laugh it off in private with you dh. Much less stressful than making a battle out of it.

CadyHeron · 05/03/2018 12:47

You probably cant control her actions, but you can control your reactions by being firm, but kind to her, make your point and let it drop. Then laugh it off in private with you dh. Much less stressful than making a battle out of it

The OP says though that she has "meddled unneccessarily" in the past.
Is she to laugh it off and let it drop every time?
There comes a point when there's only so much "letting it drop" you can do.

Amanduh · 05/03/2018 12:49

Yes she waa OTT but it really isn’t something I’d dwell on. Life is too short. Tell her you are perfectly capable and let it go.

gussyfinknottle · 05/03/2018 12:53

I think she was using the old school way of dealing with it. I am old enough (in 50s) to remember the doc coming round and checking I was ok when I had it. My mum was a nurse and not prone to panic calling at every sniffle.
Not sure she can be said to have "crossed a line" unless there is other stuff going on. But she was not deferring to your approach where , I assume, you have looked at the latest advice.
Mind you, if my MIL had done it, I would've been even more angry.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 05/03/2018 13:00

There is a child in YOUR HOUSE who is ill. The parents are not caring for the child in way you think is right . What would you do ? A responsible person would phone Dr or SS or childline or NSPPC

If you want to create family rifts, yes. Let's get this right: two parents, one of whom is your own child, the other of whom is your own child's partner, disagree with you about seeking medical treatment. You think you should phone the doctor. Which doctor? They have no right to treat, nor should they discuss the matter with you. Or, you think you should invoke statutory services, whose response will need to be a formal visit, presumably accompanied by a core assessment, with the intent of bring child protection proceedings?

Over chickenpox?

If my mother had done that to me, it would have been the last time she would have seen me or my child, "oh, she might be dead soon" guilt-tripping not withstanding. You think attempting to have children put on whatever this year's name for the at-risk register is a reasonable response?

FitBitFanClub · 05/03/2018 13:07

A responsible person would phone Dr or SS or childline or NSPPC

Are there really people who would do this? Are they the same people who would phone the police if they have an argument with their partner?

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