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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to stop being controlling?

89 replies

BlueDiaries · 04/03/2018 21:52

I've name changed for obvious reasons...

I'm a control freak and beyond controlling with my partner of 5 years. I like things done my way and if not, I get upset and we argue. I usually end up in tears and DP apologises. I hate him going out anywhere, so he doesn't. I know deep down he wants to do things but doesn't bother as it's not worth the hassle he'd get from him. I don't know why i hate the thought of him going out so much. I can't deal with spur of the moment plans so everything needs to be run by me first. I can see he's on edge a lot of the time incase I get upset by something 'he's done wrong'.

Reading the above, I sound awful. I do really love my partner and don't know why I'm like this. How do I change my behaviour? I want to be the carefree woman my DP fell in love with, not this anxiety filled control freak!

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 13:18

If the husband wanted desperately to change his ways and could see what damage he was doing I would say what I've said to the OP which is to get help for your MH issues.

saoirsesoige · 05/03/2018 13:22

You wouldn't say get help for the MH issues while staying in the relationship and blaming the victim.

Helsingborg · 05/03/2018 13:26

We're going to have to agree to disagree here. I still think the victim, whether they're male or female, needs to get away from his/her abuser.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/03/2018 13:37

A lot of people don't leave abusive partners because they are afraid of being alone/still love the abuser. it's a decision every abuse victim has to make for themselves - in cases where the abuser is aware of being wrong and seeking help, it may be possible for the relationship to be repaired.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 13:42

If the woman didn't want to leave her husband and knew that he had admitted he was in the wrong and that he had OCD/MH issues but was going to seek out professional help to understand them, then no I wouldn't be urging her to leave him in the first instance.

saoirsesoige · 05/03/2018 14:18

A lot of people don't leave abusive partners because they are afraid of being alone/still love the abuser. it's a decision every abuse victim has to make for themselves

Yes, which is why its not appropriate for you to state its best for this victim to stay with his abuser.

Original poster

BlueDiaries · 05/03/2018 15:23

Wow lots of replies!

I think it started when we moved to a new area. I gave up my business to move and then fell pregnant. I went from being completely independent to relying on DP to support me both financially and emotionally.

I'm told DP that I think it best if we split up before but he broke down. He was devastated and begged me not to call things off. I don't think he's with me for 'an easy life'because his life is anything but.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 15:26

Glad you came back OP.
Do you think this behaviour could have stemmed from some PND?

Original poster

BlueDiaries · 05/03/2018 15:36

I have been diagnosed with PND and anxiety but this began before DD arrived. I don't know where it actually stems from. The thing Is, I don't actually believe DP would ever cheat on me, it's the fact he'd want to do anything other than spend time with me really upsets me. I know it's wrong and unhealthy but I dont know why I feel this way.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 05/03/2018 15:38

I haven't stated that the OP's H should do anything. It's up to him what he does, and he is not AFAIK on this thread asking for advice. But, generally speaking, a relationship where the abuser acknowledges fault and tries to change has a better chance of being fixable than one where the abuser continues to blame the victim and shows no desire to change behaviour.

Trinity66 · 05/03/2018 15:39

it's the fact he'd want to do anything other than spend time with me really upsets me. I know it's wrong and unhealthy but I dont know why I feel this way.

That's no good. Do you have your own friends and interests?

Original poster

BlueDiaries · 05/03/2018 15:42

No I don't have many friends. I'm a huge introvert and hate being social. The friends I do have, I see rarely and I'd rather them come here than actually go out. If my DP is off and a friend wants to do something I make my excuses as I would rather stay with DP.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 15:42

Counselling should help you get to the root of your issues, it's not a quick fix solution and one that often makes you feel worse before you feel better but hopefully for both your sakes it should help you to overcome this.

Could you see a private counsellor OP? I would imagine there will be a long wait if you go through your GP.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 05/03/2018 15:48

I’m reading Codependency For Dummies at the moment and it sounds like the two of you might fit into the description of codependent relationships. Maybe worth looking into and trying to get some counselling, together or apart.

I agree if it were a man posting that he is trying to control his DP and make her feel bad for going out without him he’d be getting fairly short shrift. However, as you’ve gone on to say, it’s not just that “you’re a bitch” it’s most likely the effects of PND, house move, losing your independence etc that have combined with general anxiety to cause this. With abusive men it is most often narcissism and anger issues causing their controlling behaviours, so obviously the response will be different. We’ve all lived in this world long enough to see gendered patterns emerge, whether you like it or not.

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