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Original poster

How to stop being controlling?

89 replies

BlueDiaries · 04/03/2018 21:52

I've name changed for obvious reasons...

I'm a control freak and beyond controlling with my partner of 5 years. I like things done my way and if not, I get upset and we argue. I usually end up in tears and DP apologises. I hate him going out anywhere, so he doesn't. I know deep down he wants to do things but doesn't bother as it's not worth the hassle he'd get from him. I don't know why i hate the thought of him going out so much. I can't deal with spur of the moment plans so everything needs to be run by me first. I can see he's on edge a lot of the time incase I get upset by something 'he's done wrong'.

Reading the above, I sound awful. I do really love my partner and don't know why I'm like this. How do I change my behaviour? I want to be the carefree woman my DP fell in love with, not this anxiety filled control freak!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 12:12

I agree Trinity. Whilst I would have some empathy for the wife if this were reversed I would at least listen to a man that could see how damaging his actions were but wanted to seek help in stopping them.

saoirsesoige · 05/03/2018 12:12

Nobody has insulted the OP, they've mostly been very nice. Which is the point.
Posters have even blamed the victim for being "part of the dynamic". That's not ok.

Trinity66 · 05/03/2018 12:15

Posters have even blamed the victim for being "part of the dynamic". That's not ok.

No that isn't ok, I agree with you on that

omBreROSE · 05/03/2018 12:16

I’ve never met ( and have delt with some real shit bag males over the years) that has wanted to change.
I’ve never read a post from a male seeking help.
I do know ( however) that usualllymost of the men that exhibit these behaviours do it for life!
The woman feels like crap - and puts it down to “ Oh it’s just how he is!”
It seems to be that it’s only when he starts incorporating physical
‘remonstrations’ that the female works out it is wrong.
It is subtle.
I would never think it ok for a man to be on the end of this either - ever

SoupDragon · 05/03/2018 12:21

So if a man posted that he was abusing his wife but he wanted some help to fix it, you'd be posting flowers for him and telling him its not his fault? I don't think so.

If a man posted exactly the same thing the OP posted, yes I would. Because I’m not a sexist twat.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 05/03/2018 12:23

I hope you can see past the bullshit on here and get help from the other posts.

Do you have any idea why you were carefree when you met but aren’t now?

It’s a shitty way to feel, and be, for both of you. It sounds like you’d both benefit from counselling (separately).

saoirsesoige · 05/03/2018 12:24

If a man posted exactly the same thing the OP posted, yes I would. Because I’m not a sexist twat

Bullhockey.

Viviennemary · 05/03/2018 12:26

This is a really sad way to live IMHO. But you obviously see it as a problem so that's a good sign. Why not go for counselling. And see why you do this.

bittern79 · 05/03/2018 12:26

No one is "just a bitch", life events have led to this.

Really, Pointlessfacts? Would you say that if a man posted??? I think not. The double standards on here are shocking.

bittern79 · 05/03/2018 12:29

I like things done my way and if not, I get upset and we argue. I usually end up in tears and DP apologises. I hate him going out anywhere, so he doesn't. I know deep down he wants to do things but doesn't bother as it's not worth the hassle

DP is literally terrified of me leaving him. He would do anything to make me happy.

This combination is not good. Sounds codependent and unhealthy.

You need to work out why you've changed from being 'carefree' to controlling, deal with it, and change your behaviour.

Jamboree05 · 05/03/2018 12:32

Really shocked reading these responses.

Well done, OP, on recognising that what you're doing is not ok but let's be frank here...

You are abusive.

You are hurting a man you claim to love and care about, perhaps even beyond repair.

I agree with previous posters. You need to leave. Then you need to get help. Then, once you have broken your cycle of abusive behaviour, perhaps he may be kind enough to take you back.

I have no doubt that you have some psychological issues that are feeding into your behaviour but you are not going to get better if you continue allowing yourself to live in ta triggering situation- I.e. with your DP.

I am utterly shocked at the flowers and victim blaming I'm seeing from other posters. I do believe you need support but to pander to you frankly makes your behaviour appear ok.

Do the right thing and let this poor man go until you know that he will be safe with you.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 12:32

This behaviour sounds like some sort of anxiety or OCD that just happens to be manifesting itself in a way that makes the OP feel out of control where her H going out is concerned. If she was obsessively frightened of vomit or spiders or had to continuously check her iron was switched off would posters be so negative to her?

No is the answer.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/03/2018 12:33

Will all the meninists and fuckwits whining about 'double standards' fuck off? The key factor here is that OP admits she's wrong and is seeking help. Most abusers do not believe they are doing anything wrong and fundamentally believe they are entitled to control and punish their partners.

The one thing I would say to OP is: don't go for couples counselling, get counselling for yourself. Most couple counsellors are not good at dealing with abusive dynamics (your relationship is abusive, but you are working on putting a stop to it, which is positive.)

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/03/2018 12:34

I have a deep seated anxiety about being left. Because of my “mothering”. I’ve had lots of therapy and because of how I suddenly felt about my mother when my dd was a baby, I’ve pin pointed the emotional abuse as starting at about 5 months old so difficult attachment issues. It’s horrible to feel like I may be left.

I don’t think you should be in a relationship with a man with such deep seated issues unless you can learn to be the type of person, who will allow him to be who he needs to be. You probably both need therapy. A lot of us do I think. But for now, you need to centre on you and making you the best person you can. If you can afford it, I would pay for therapy myself. NHS stuff is often x number of sessions and the waiting list is months.

saoirsesoige · 05/03/2018 12:36

Will all the meninists and fuckwits whining about 'double standards' fuck off?

Feminist and non fuck wit here thanks. I'm coming from the angle that you are not helping the OP by minimising her behaviour. Its good for her to undertstand that she is like the men we read about on here, she needs the truth, not pandering to.

The one thing I would say to OP is: don't go for couples counselling, get counselling for yourself. Most couple counsellors are not good at dealing with abusive dynamics (your relationship is abusive, but you are working on putting a stop to it, which is positive.

Its not that couples counsellors are not good at it, its that couples counselling is fundamentally not suited to abusive relationships. No decent counsellor would do it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 12:38

She does understand about her behaviour though. That's the difference. She hasn't ignored the suggestion of seeking help, she knows where the fault lies.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/03/2018 12:42

Why did you change from "carefree" to uptight and controlling OP? Do you know?

CadyHeron · 05/03/2018 12:53

Will all the meninists and fuckwits whining about 'double standards' fuck off? The key factor here is that OP admits she's wrong and is seeking help.

No, because I've seen posts on here where men post similar and they absolutely do not get flowers or "you're ill, you can't help it's."

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 12:56

Well whoever responded that way were arses. But two wrongs don't make a right.

Helsingborg · 05/03/2018 12:59

You sound very much like my sil, she's extremely controlling and emotionally abusive towards her family. If the situation was the other way round I'd say ltb and I'm saying it now. This is horrific emotional abuse that you're subjecting your partner to. You say you love him but are you certain that he feels the,same about you? He is probably staying put for an easy life not because he loves you.

You need to leave him so that he can heal from the controlling abuse you've subjected him to. Also so that you can seek help to prevent this controlling abusive behaviour from happening again.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 13:06

Have you read the post from the OP that clearly states her DH has issues about being left that started when his own father left hi as a young boy? You really think the OP leaving is going to solve any of their troubles?

Helsingborg · 05/03/2018 13:09

Yes I have read that but her staying and emotionally abusing him is adding to his problems.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 13:12

I think leaving someone that has an irrational fear of being left due to their upbringing would be definitely adding to their problems.

saoirsesoige · 05/03/2018 13:15

Have you read the post from the OP that clearly states her DH has issues about being left that started when his own father left hi as a young boy? You really think the OP leaving is going to solve any of their troubles

Yes, since this toxic and abusive relationship is only making his issues worse.
We don't tell abused women to stay with their abusers because they have issues about being left alone, do we?

Helsingborg · 05/03/2018 13:15

Well then she's using his fear of being left alone to her advantage by forcing him to comply to her wishes. That's even worse and it doesn't put the op in a good light at all.