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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to stop being controlling?

89 replies

BlueDiaries · 04/03/2018 21:52

I've name changed for obvious reasons...

I'm a control freak and beyond controlling with my partner of 5 years. I like things done my way and if not, I get upset and we argue. I usually end up in tears and DP apologises. I hate him going out anywhere, so he doesn't. I know deep down he wants to do things but doesn't bother as it's not worth the hassle he'd get from him. I don't know why i hate the thought of him going out so much. I can't deal with spur of the moment plans so everything needs to be run by me first. I can see he's on edge a lot of the time incase I get upset by something 'he's done wrong'.

Reading the above, I sound awful. I do really love my partner and don't know why I'm like this. How do I change my behaviour? I want to be the carefree woman my DP fell in love with, not this anxiety filled control freak!

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 04/03/2018 21:54

Ok, then you need counseling/psychologist to get to the bottom of what's going on with your behaviour.

This is not the kind of thing you can figure out on your own, so go to your GP and ask for a referral.

Trinity66 · 04/03/2018 21:55

Atleast you're acknowledging you have a problem, that's a good step forward, maybe you need to see someone who can help give you practical tools to use to help you change this behaviour

Original poster
BlueDiaries · 04/03/2018 21:56

Is that something they would do? Would they refer me to counselling for being controlling? What I'm there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just a bitch?

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 04/03/2018 21:59

You are only a bitch if you choose to behave like this, and don’t care about your dh. You obviously do care, and know there is another way to be happy. So you just need help to get there, go see your gp to get help. Good luck x

Idontdowindows · 04/03/2018 22:00

You're not a bitch. You have a mental health issue that is obstructing your normal life and relationships. Yes, your doctor can refer you.

ADuckNamedSplash · 04/03/2018 22:05

Recognising this and wanting to change is a really good start.

Have you spoken to your partner about this? If he knew that you don't want to be this way and are actively working to change, it might make him feel less on edge. He may also be able to help reassure you, if reassurance is what you need. I agree with PP though, that you need to understand for yourself what is at the root of this.

Since you're already conscious of your behaviour, try to couple that with consciousness of what's at stake here. 5 years is a significant relationship. Every time you behave in a controlling way, you jeopardise that relationship. Remind yourself of that often and make a deliberate decision not to do it.

Pointlessfacts · 04/03/2018 22:06

No one is "just a bitch", life events have led to this.

Seek help, they will listen solely because this could cause your DP to need help from them due to your behaviour

DownstairsMixUp · 04/03/2018 22:07

You aren't just a bitch. The first step is go to your gp and tell them all of this, that will get the referral ball rolling. Well done for acknowledging the problem, that's a huge step in itself.

WipsGlitter · 04/03/2018 22:08

Can you think back to see if there was something that triggered this - you say you were carefree once, when did it change?

pointythings · 04/03/2018 22:11

You aren't a bitch. You have insight. You realise this is not right and needs to change. Counselling really can help you get to the bottom of why you are like this, and then you can work to change it. I wish you all the luck in the world.

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 04/03/2018 22:13

Have you looked in to your attachment style? My parents just weren't that in to me, so I went for men who weren't that in to me. I never actively controlled a bf's behaviour as being a little bit avoidant myself I was usually desperate for space too, but I do understand anxiety in a relationship and analysing and interpreting too much. I recommend psychotherapy too (had some myself, v useful) but also, read a book called ''Attached'' by Heller and Levine. Really good starting point for looking at how a perceived step back or uncertainty in relationship makes you feel/behave. There's also a bit in there about push and pull in a relationship. That could be useful to you.

My mother was controlling and it made me end up with a controlling man, so good for you for looking at this. My mother would never acknowledge she's controlling. I'm awkward, disobedient, ungrateful

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 04/03/2018 22:16

ps, reading what you say about the anxiety, I'd guess you're ''anxiously attached''.

And your partner might be a part of the unhealthy dynamic too. PERHAPS, one of his parents stifled him a little. Perhaps. This might be a bit Jungian.

Original poster
BlueDiaries · 04/03/2018 22:19

Thank you for your kind replies. I will go and see a GP and get the ball rolling. That should help me find the route of my issues.

OP posts:
MerryShitmas · 04/03/2018 22:20

I would very quickly stop thinking about what you can do to change and take a big. Big step back from this man who is very obviously suffering because of you.
Maybe move out temporarily, for a month or so. Give him space, let him decide what he wants with no pressure from you. Visit the GP and start working on yourself, away from him. Look critically at why you are the way you are. If he decides he wants to make it work then do so; with lots of counselling and listening to him. If he doesn't, continue with the seperation.
I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but I think that's the right thing to do for his sake.

Original poster
BlueDiaries · 04/03/2018 22:23

And your partner might be a part of the unhealthy dynamic too. PERHAPS, one of his parents stifled him a little

His father did leave the family when he was younger. They were NC for a few years. He watched and cried as his father drove away. DP is literally terrified of me leaving him. He would do anything to make me happy.

OP posts:
MerryShitmas · 04/03/2018 22:25

That's not good OP. Because he's putting himself in harms way out of fear of being alone. Which makes my suggestion even more relevant here. I think he needs time to gather his thoughts and work out what he wants, you both need to sort yourselves out before good can come of this.
I wish you luck in whatever you do OP.

PretABoire · 04/03/2018 22:25

Do you get anxious about other things?

Purplerain101 · 04/03/2018 22:26

Being controlling can be s symptom of certain types of anxiety disorders. The thought of any sort of change to the things that make you feel secure will spark off the controlling behaviour because they freak you out.
Ask for a referral for some cognitive behaviour therapy to help change your negative thought processes.
It’s good you have admitted you need help as it’s not ok to not allow your partner to have a life (you clearly know that)

TooManyMiles · 04/03/2018 22:28

Well done for realising.
As someone else says it would help to have a good counsellor to get behind what is happening. Other posters have some good suggestions as to reasons and styles of attachment.

Controlling someone else could mean you don't have to think about what you yourself should be doing and this is what matters now. So taking steps to get help for yourself is exactly the right sort of thing to do.

Some controlling people came from a background of chaos and/or abuse of some kind.

anneoneill · 04/03/2018 22:30

My partner of 5 years is a control freak and beyond controlling. He likes things done his way and if not, he get upset and we argue. He usually ends up in tears and I apologise. He hates me going out anywhere, so I don't. He knows deep down I wants to do things but don't bother as it's not worth the hassle I'd get from him. I don't know why he hates the thought of me going out so much. He can't deal with spur of the moment plans so everything needs to be run by him first. he can see I'm on edge a lot of the time in case he gets upset by something I've done wrong'.

I wonder would the hypothetical spouse in this post get the warm reception OP is getting here?

You are an abusive arse. Let him find someone who isn't.

Idontdowindows · 04/03/2018 22:33

I wonder would the hypothetical spouse in this post get the warm reception OP is getting here?

If he came here recognising he was being controlling and came here for help, why wouldn't he?

TooManyMiles · 04/03/2018 22:42

OP has asked what to do and how to change anne.

Another thing is that it would help if your DH were not scared of losing you. If this fear means he never dares to stand up to you, or never dares to make a suggestion or decision then he may be too passive, leaving a vacuum you have to step into to control - so a vicious circle is set up.

smurfit · 05/03/2018 11:08

I've been there. My ex was an abusive serial cheater and I reacted by becoming a nagging control freak. It's possibly the situation is beyond repair but at the very least, you can work on yourself and how to let go somewhat.

Turns out I probably needed serious therapy after that relationship ended which I never got (and regret because I haven't been able to have a serious relationship since, essentially because I project the insecurity as needing to control things). My mental health issues have recently reached a point where I can't live in denial anymore so I strongly recommend you get help and investigate the causes more thoroughly.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 11:14

Yes I agree CBT might help you OP. It's no life for you and your partner.

Has something happened in the past to make you not want him to go out? With another partner I mean.

LizzieCorday · 05/03/2018 11:16

You are only a bitch if you choose to behave like this, and don’t care about your dh

You would never say that about a man treating a woman this way, and you'd be right.
OP is abusing her partner. If she truly loved him she should leave him for his own good, and seek professional help for her issues.