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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to stop being controlling?

89 replies

BlueDiaries · 04/03/2018 21:52

I've name changed for obvious reasons...

I'm a control freak and beyond controlling with my partner of 5 years. I like things done my way and if not, I get upset and we argue. I usually end up in tears and DP apologises. I hate him going out anywhere, so he doesn't. I know deep down he wants to do things but doesn't bother as it's not worth the hassle he'd get from him. I don't know why i hate the thought of him going out so much. I can't deal with spur of the moment plans so everything needs to be run by me first. I can see he's on edge a lot of the time incase I get upset by something 'he's done wrong'.

Reading the above, I sound awful. I do really love my partner and don't know why I'm like this. How do I change my behaviour? I want to be the carefree woman my DP fell in love with, not this anxiety filled control freak!

OP posts:

frasier · 05/03/2018 11:18

The difference between someone complaining about a controlling spouse on here and someone saying it about themselves is that have recognised a fault and are trying to deal with it.

Kudos to them and hopefully always a warm welcome.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 05/03/2018 11:19

You say you were carefree when you met him. What’s happened in the meantime to change this? Trauma? Health issues? Fertility problems?

Shoxfordian · 05/03/2018 11:19

It's good that you recognise this
You need to get therapy

Talk to your husband about how you want to change and be really honest.

CadyHeron · 05/03/2018 11:20

Agreed, been on here long enough to know that the responses on here would be so, SO much different if it was clear that the OP was male.
It''s good that you recognise you have a problem, and are getting help.
However, the double standards on here are horrible.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 11:23

I guess if someone is desperate and indeed brave enough to post about such a situation bringing up the issue of double standards is of no help to them at all.

Why kick a dog when it's down?

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2018 11:24

Is part of it the fact he would do anything for you and to keep you? I mean this gently but could you be a bully?

I have a friend in this dynamic in her marriage, her husband is desperate to stay married, and she bullies him because she can and gets away with it. I guess it makes her feel powerful, I don't know. But when he does occasionally turn she gets a real fright and pulls back.

I'd maybe think if you're capitalising on the fact he wishes to be with you and have become a bully because it makes you feel powerful in thr relationship and in your life.

omBreROSE · 05/03/2018 11:24

Lizzie
In my experience men like this very rarely look for help/ or try to change.
The op is.
Unfortunately, sometimes men and woman behave differently- even if they might be exhibiting what looks like similar behaviours.
If this were a man, 9/10 a woman would be looking at ways to change her behaviour. Also assuming it was her fault!

RingFence · 05/03/2018 11:32

Anxiety? What sort of things do you try to control? Do you feel panicky/angry if you can't?

Do you trust him? If he's incompetent/unreliable eg re safety or remembering things or managing money then wanting to control these would be natural.

He might be enabling your behaviour by taking on a very submissive/indecisive role. Have you talked to him about it?

I'm naturally controlling but so is my DH, so we balance each other out. I've learnt to recognise my triggers and take a step back. Learnt to listen in silence until he's finished talking, take my own emotions out of it and look at situations from his point of view too.

SoupDragon · 05/03/2018 11:39

I want to be the carefree woman my DP fell in love with, not this anxiety filled control freak!

Was there a carefree woman? If so, can you pin point what made her go away?

Jux · 05/03/2018 11:40

Behind all controlling behaviour is fear. Sometimes it's so deep-rooted that it's really hard to find. You, however, were not always like this were you? You used to be carefree, now you're not, now you're anxious and controlling. Why is that?

If you see a counsellor they will help work out why this change has happened, how, and what to do about it. You counsellor will be there throughout, guiding you and supporting you. It might be quite upsetting as you go through the process but it will be worth it.

saoirsesoige · 05/03/2018 11:41

Unfortunately, sometimes men and woman behave differently- even if they might be exhibiting what looks like similar behaviours

It doesn't look like similar behaviour, it is similar behaviour. She is controlling and abusive. It's not more acceptable because she is female and her victim is male.

Saz1995 · 05/03/2018 11:43

You are not a bitch, you've acknowledged the problem and you want to fix it! That's a good start. I hope it goes well xx

omBreROSE · 05/03/2018 11:44

sa
I don’t think it acceptable.
I do think there is a difference though.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 11:46

The OP doesn't think it's acceptable nor does anyone that has replied to her. She posted to ask what can she do to change her behaviour which is a step in the right direction.

saoirsesoige · 05/03/2018 11:48

It's the tone here though, its all its not your fault, you are ill, you can work it out. Nobody here would be saying that if OP was talking about her partner being controlling, they would be saying LTB immediately.
If she loves him, she'll leave him.

Raven88 · 05/03/2018 11:52

I’ve been in a similar situation. When my relationship first started with my now husband I had terrible trust issues. I wanted to control everything. I made him delete his ex and her family of Facebook and used to get upset if he didn’t let me check his phone. I needed to know where he was all the time. I have GAD and I’d been in an abusive relationship previously. I got help from a doctor who treated my anxiety and I opened up to my husband. After six months I realised that I was much calmer and I started to trust my DH. I learned that the compulsion to check up on him was due to OCD that comes out when I’m very anxious and low self esteem. My controlling behaviours have been stopped for 3 years and our relationship is amazing now.

Please get help. I’m on medication for my anxiety and talking has helped. You can also seek out counselling with the help of a doctor. But it’s finacially dependant.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 11:53

Do you think telling the OP to leave her husband will help her overcome her issues? How is she going to resolve them without the appropriate therapy? Unlike a lot of abusive men the OP can clearly see she has a problem and has reached out to ask how she can stop her behaviour so I think for that point alone she doesn't deserve to be told she should leave him.

Trinity66 · 05/03/2018 11:54

Nobody here would be saying that if OP was talking about her partner being controlling, they would be saying LTB immediately.

Whilst I agree with your post the difference is the OP is taking responsibility for her actions which is why people are being nice to her because she's acknowledging she is the problem and wants to change. For example if it were her partner who had started the thread and said that his partner was controlling I think the reactions would have been totally different and then people would be saying that he should leave her

saoirsesoige · 05/03/2018 11:58

Do you think telling the OP to leave her husband will help her overcome her issues? How is she going to resolve them without the appropriate therapy

I think it will help the victim to be away from their abuser, and she can get help for her issues either way, if she is serious about doing so.

Why is about what she deserves? Since when were we primarly concerned about what abusive people deserve rather than their victims?

Flockoftreegulls · 05/03/2018 12:00

I think you should discuss it with your husband.
My hubby started to get like this although maybe to a slightly lesser extent. I used to appease him because I hate arguing.
Anyway one night I was out with work gang (all women at a nice hotel getting a lift home from a friend) and he was doing the usual texting asking when would I be back, be careful blah blah and I snapped. I went outside and called him. I told him all my arrangements were sorted, I'm a big girl so no need to worry, I would be home when I felt like it so don't wait up and stop constantly texting as it's ruining my evening and not the first time.
The next day he apologised and told me about how anxious he would get and constantly worry about something happening to me. I told him it's not normal or fair. When he went out I just said see you when I see you, have a good time.
We discussed where it came from (his mother has anxiety and his dad is a bully) and he has made a real effort to change. He thought it was normal. It made me feel so much better to hear his apology and made me strong and stand up to him. I know he still worries about me but he keeps it to himself now and he's so much better to be around.
If you are open and honest about the fact its your worries rather than a lack of trust I am sure he will feel better and stand up to you a little more. Then you can work on your issues and agree a way forward.
Please talk to him, it's lonely being the appeaser.

SoupDragon · 05/03/2018 12:03

Why is about what she deserves?

Because she is the one asking for help to fix it.

LucilleBluth · 05/03/2018 12:07

saoirsesoige I absolutely agree with you, I was shocked at the supportive posts the op got. No way would the tone be the same with the genders reversed. It's quite shocking actually.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 12:07

The OP has some MH issues that are impacting on her relationship, she can see this and wants to change and get the appropriate help. If she'd posted saying that she knows that she's controlling but that she's not willing to seek out help then I agree that I her H would be better off without her. But that isn't the case.

saoirsesoige · 05/03/2018 12:07

Because she is the one asking for help to fix it

So if a man posted that he was abusing his wife but he wanted some help to fix it, you'd be posting for him and telling him its not his fault? I don't think so.

I stand by my advice to OP: leave him at least temporarily, and seek professional help. Don't minimise the behavior as people are doing here.

Trinity66 · 05/03/2018 12:09

No way would the tone be the same with the genders reversed.

I can't speak for anyone else on here but I know my reaction would have been the same had the OP been male because they are admitting to their problem and asking for help to change their behaviour. What good comes of just posting to insult a person who's trying to be a better person?

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