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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL coming to DC swimming lessons

107 replies

Efferlunt · 04/03/2018 10:15

For over a year now I’ve been taking my older two to swimming lessons with baby in tow. It’s the usual wrestling with wet children (baby in sling) in overheated poorly cleaned local pool, not my absolute favourite way to spend my time but a means to an end.

Recently the time of the lessons have changed and now DH can come too. That’s great. I did suggest that I could stay at home with baby but he thinks it will be a nice thing to do with the family. That’s fine we can get a coffee and chat etc while the kids are swimming, we’ve done this a few times now, all good.

DH couldn’t come to the last lesson. I get a call from FIL suggesting he drive MIL from the next town over to help me with it. I explained that while a nice thought I’d been doing it fine on my own for ages so they really didn’t need to drive from the next town over in the snow for no good reason - roads were horrible.

Anyway MIL said that in future she’d really like to come and help DH and I with swimming lessons because she’d love to see them swimming. Again I tried to explain that you don’t stay poolside during lessons so she’d have to admire them from a distance from the cafe viewing area where there are never enough seats. But she wants to come anyway.

FIL needs to drive her so they’d both come, so we would have four adults and a baby to take two kids swimming trooping in and out of the changing room etc. To me this sounds like making a mildly stressful situation worse. MIL means well but can be quite hard work and does get upset when things don’t meet her expectations so I can’t see this being the ideal time to spend time together and will probably strain our delicate relationship.

Okay so first world problem but AIBU to say no to this (it will cause offence) or just leave them to it and stay at home. It’s been suggested that I am. I’m also fine with them coming to ‘help’ with other activities just not bloody swimming.

TL:DR Aibu to say that you don’t need four adults to take two kids swimming and it actually causes more problems then it solves?

OP posts:

Blessyourheart · 04/03/2018 12:00

Let them have at it.

Stay home and leave them to their family time.

LaContessaDiPlump · 04/03/2018 12:03

Alternatively, go to the pool with them all but, as soon as you arrive, just “ pop out “ to pick up something essential from the nearby shops. Make sure you come back 10 mins after it’s finsihed so DH has time to have the kids ready.

1000x this ^^ make them do the work! When they see you come back and they start complaining, say brightly 'Yes, it is hard work, isn't it? Especially when I'm here by myself!' Bet you a quid they never want to do it again....

Collaborate · 04/03/2018 12:04

I think it’s a shame that your response to their suggestion is this. Let them help. Use it as a chance to stay at home with the baby. Why shouldn’t the children grow up knowing their grandparents take an interest in them?

EduCated · 04/03/2018 12:05

Collaborate Have you missed that it’s been made clear that OP is still expected to attend? It isn’t an offer of help, it’s a decision that they’ll come along for a jolly.

HamishBamish · 04/03/2018 12:09

Personally I would be pleased they were taking an interest in their grandchildren. Not all grandparents do.

My PIL are very hands on and will often just turn up to activities if they are in the area. It’s lovely and the children are always delighted to see them.

Try seeing it as a positive rather than a PITA. You are lucky they live near enough to do it.

Collaborate · 04/03/2018 12:09

I did miss that. OP should still use it as an opportunity to stay at home with the baby. Even if she goes too, can’t the grandparents stay away from the changing area and let her get on with things?

MrsRyanGosling15 · 04/03/2018 12:12

YABU in the sense that you are a fully grown adult. You can just say no if you don't want to go. Send dh with the kids. You can make your own decisions. If you don't want to do it, then just don't. What's going to happen if you say no? The world's not going to end, your not going to get divorced. Just don't go if you don't want to. It's really not that difficult.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 04/03/2018 12:13

YANBU. Swimming lessons are ghastly. DS can't walk yet so is strapped to me while I get DD ready. It's freezing outside but roasting inside so everyone is hot and bothered. There's always a stampede for the 4 family cubicles. Would I fuck want to bring anyone else onboard. I love my PIL but I am not a nice person on swimming lesson afternoon and I don't need anyone to see that.

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2018 12:13

As a GP I sometimes had to do the swimming lesson run.

Bloody hated it!

MissEliza · 04/03/2018 12:14

So it's been ok for you to manage by yourself but when dh is asked to help, his dm decides he needs a hand? That would really annoy me. Stay at home with the baby. That's a ridiculous amount of people to trail around.

quickname · 04/03/2018 12:14

just be firm with everyone - you don't want to go and this seems a great opportunity to not have to go. you can see the PIL at another time.. of your choosing.
the part I don't understand in all of this is where you agonise over agreeing to do something you don't want to and don't really need to.

It's never too late to become a person who does what they prefer for their own reasons sometimes, everyone will adjust!

DiegoMadonna · 04/03/2018 12:16

Personally I would be pleased they were taking an interest in their grandchildren

This. I really don't see the issue.

four adults trooping in and out of the changing room etc

So? Why is this a big deal? I think you need to relax. It'll be great for the kids to spend more time with their grandparents, even if it is fleeting.

it’s a decision that they’ll come along for a jolly

That's a strangely negative way to say they want to come along to enjoy the morning. Which is fine. Can't family join in events just for fun? Or it's only allowed if they're babysitting?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 04/03/2018 12:19

Our local pool specifically asks families not to bring lots of extras to watch swimming lessons/help in changing rooms due to lack of space- if you have a rummage on their website yours may do too?

EduCated · 04/03/2018 12:23

That's a strangely negative way to say they want to come along to enjoy the morning. Which is fine. Can't family join in events just for fun? Or it's only allowed if they're babysitting?

They can want to come. They can also be politely told the reasons why coming along to this particular event is actively unhelpful (unless they’re offering to take it over instead of OP/her DP, rather than tagging along).

And four adults trooping into a swimming pool changing room unnecessarily is a big deal because these places are invariably hot, cramped and busy with the changeover of lessons. They’re not the time or place to leisurely chat and spend time together. Unless the place is palatial, it’s a bit of a dick move to other families trying to get in and changed to crowd it out unnecessarily for one child.

Waddlelikeapenguin · 04/03/2018 12:24

Oh hell no!
If you stay home with baby i bet they will moan they havent seen the baby so will come back to your house.

If their goal is to see you all regularly is there a time/activity that would work for you that you could suggest? maybe a fortnightly one

Castieldeansam · 04/03/2018 12:25

Do it once as a whole group, so PIL get the way it works. If they offer again, why don't you suggest that they may like to take the kids on their own, maybe suggest it would be great if they could take for you say every few weeks and they come back to yours for a coffee or lunch/dinner?

Not sure why your husband wouldn't take to swimming on his own, and leave you at home with the baby.

My husband and I take it in turns and my parents take them on their own every few weeks. It's extremely boring, even my father comments how dull watching them swim is - they just go up and down!!! We don't have a cafe either!!!

Pastaagain78 · 04/03/2018 12:25

Ugh. This would piss me off. It’s not helping if you have to go too. It’s complicating an already sweaty, stressful activity. I hate swimming lessons.

DiegoMadonna · 04/03/2018 12:29

Just ask them not to come into the changing room because it's too busy. Or if they REALLY want to do it, to get the kids changed while you wait for them in the cafe.

It's only an issue if you make it one. Many mumsnetters seem to do their best to make even the smallest molehill into a mountain.

DiegoMadonna · 04/03/2018 12:31

Just ask them not to come into the changing room because it's too busy. Or if they REALLY want to do it, then let them get the kids changed while you wait for them in the cafe.

It's only an issue if you make it one. Many mumsnetters seem to do their best to make even the smallest molehill into a mountain.

Jengnr · 04/03/2018 12:31

Swimming lessons are not fun. They’re a pita. And having hangers on there is even worse.

And extra adults in the changing room? Fuck off, there’s barely enough room for the people who are supposed to be in ours.

No way would I be going OP. I’d be embarrassed to be that family. Stay at home with the baby and meet husband and eldest afterwards.

HedwigHen · 04/03/2018 12:34

How illuminating that they have offered to help/ told you they are helping when it is no longer actually helpful and refuse to modify it (they help DH with it and you stay home/they do the whole thing every few weeks) so that it might be.

I think they will probably get bored of it very quickly too - especially if they are actually expected to help. Sounds like there are deeper issues though given your MIL's response.

In anticipation of the above I would probably go along with it but go straight up to the cafe with your baby whilst DH and PIL do the changing room part. Ideally though - sticking to 'no thank you' would be best and offering an alternative way for you to spend time together as a family - i.e. walk to park and a nicer cafe.

There are plenty of more appropriate/fun ways for you to all spend time together as a family.

BattleaxeGalactica · 04/03/2018 12:45

What on earth's wrong with them that they're actually asking to engage in such hell?! Did they never take their own kids or something?

I suspect a Trojan horse type action going on here, OP. You can hardly tell them to bog off home as soon as the lesson's over so it'll be back to yours for coffee and cake then it'll be lunch then the afternoon and before you know it your family Sunday will have been hi-jacked.

Put your foot down now and tell them either they take over the whole shebang (which gives you and dh the morning free) or you will make arrangements to see them at a less stressful time.

BertrandRussell · 04/03/2018 12:54

“before you know it your family Sunday will have been hi-jacked”

By your family.

Annebronte · 04/03/2018 13:01

Take the baby straight into the cafe and leave them all to it. Make it clear there isn’t enough room for you all in the changing rooms. And don’t save them seats!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/03/2018 13:22

And don't save them seats? Only someone very childish would do that.

If the PILs go in and help change the children whilst the OP sits with the baby I really can't see what the problem is here.

A big old fuss about nothing!

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