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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL coming to DC swimming lessons

107 replies

Efferlunt · 04/03/2018 10:15

For over a year now I’ve been taking my older two to swimming lessons with baby in tow. It’s the usual wrestling with wet children (baby in sling) in overheated poorly cleaned local pool, not my absolute favourite way to spend my time but a means to an end.

Recently the time of the lessons have changed and now DH can come too. That’s great. I did suggest that I could stay at home with baby but he thinks it will be a nice thing to do with the family. That’s fine we can get a coffee and chat etc while the kids are swimming, we’ve done this a few times now, all good.

DH couldn’t come to the last lesson. I get a call from FIL suggesting he drive MIL from the next town over to help me with it. I explained that while a nice thought I’d been doing it fine on my own for ages so they really didn’t need to drive from the next town over in the snow for no good reason - roads were horrible.

Anyway MIL said that in future she’d really like to come and help DH and I with swimming lessons because she’d love to see them swimming. Again I tried to explain that you don’t stay poolside during lessons so she’d have to admire them from a distance from the cafe viewing area where there are never enough seats. But she wants to come anyway.

FIL needs to drive her so they’d both come, so we would have four adults and a baby to take two kids swimming trooping in and out of the changing room etc. To me this sounds like making a mildly stressful situation worse. MIL means well but can be quite hard work and does get upset when things don’t meet her expectations so I can’t see this being the ideal time to spend time together and will probably strain our delicate relationship.

Okay so first world problem but AIBU to say no to this (it will cause offence) or just leave them to it and stay at home. It’s been suggested that I am. I’m also fine with them coming to ‘help’ with other activities just not bloody swimming.

TL:DR Aibu to say that you don’t need four adults to take two kids swimming and it actually causes more problems then it solves?

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/03/2018 11:08

It really doesn't have to be stressful, if you sent MIL to sort out one dc while you or DH sorts out the other, FIL can get the coffees whilst someone holds the baby. I'm not seeing the problem here. If you don't want them tagging along to lunch or whatever after just say you've got plans and that you'll see them next week!

But like others have said the novelty will soon wear off I bet.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/03/2018 11:08

Your DH doesn't get to unilaterally decide what is a nice family activity & what isn’t. Stop being such a doormat. You’ve done the swimming lessons on your own for ages, now he’s free at that time it’s his turn to take the three kids while you get some time to yourself. Then it’s his issue re his parents.

Stop just doing what he tells you to do.

2rebecca · 04/03/2018 11:09

I don't think kids' swimming lessons are happy family time. I would tell my husband and his parents that this isn't my idea of a fun family outing and if they want to take over doing the kids' swimming lessons they are welcome to it but I see it as more parental duty than fun. At my kids' swimming lessons carers weren't allowed to watch as it was considered too distracting for the kids so I usually went for a walk or to the cafe (not in the pool which was a small old building) for half an hour anyway (or my ex did).
I don't get what you mean by "I'm not allowed to bow out"
Why do you allow someone else to tell you what to do? You will always be pushed around if you don't stand up for yourself. Most parents of small kids get more than enough "family time". Insist on a break if they want to take the kids swimming. Don't allow yourself to be bullied. Your husband can have family time with his parents if he thinks it's that much fun.

BertrandRussell · 04/03/2018 11:10

Did your pil know that you found it a struggle? Or did they only find out when your dh did it by himself and told them that it was hard?

Original poster

Efferlunt · 04/03/2018 11:11

Lol jim that’s what I fear most we will end up being that exact family.

OP posts:

elfycat · 04/03/2018 11:11

My DH thought that taking the kids to swimming lessons was part of the 'fun' of my SAHP time...

By the time we finished the conversation he was in no doubt that taking the kids swimming was one of the low points of my week; a total chore.

He wants to shower the kids at the pool (hair washing) while I'd rather get them home and in the bath. When I'm on my own I take them home to bath, when he's there I walk out of the changing room with my crochet and leave him to it. See... I compromised

I think your DH views swimming lessons as a fun thing, and I wonder how often he does the whole job - laundry, packing, getting argumentative kids in the car, changing, watching (on his own, as you have done), changing cold wet kids, bath/shower, and back to laundry... He might not see it as fun several months down the line.

I'd have hated for my PIL to come. Entertaining them was always my job and not DH's and I had enough to do already.

Original poster

Efferlunt · 04/03/2018 11:13

bertrand I don’t enjoy it but it’s not a struggle as such. I can cope with it fine but managing associated hangers on won’t enhance my experience.

OP posts:

Witchend · 04/03/2018 11:15

I've always wondered how a child's activity (or A&E visit) turns into a full family outing. Now I know!

Is the place crowded? If there's shortage of seats/space then it's a bit unfair to regularly turn up with 4 people.

But anyway I'd say to dh, it isn't a family outing if they're coming too, it's a good opportunity for him to catch up with his parents, and leave them to it.

Avasarala · 04/03/2018 11:15

If the PIL won't wait in the cafe, are they then expecting to come into the changing rooms? And do what... stand and watch as the children change? Because it doesn't take 4 people to change 2 kids, so they'll just be in the way. It's annoying enough getting in and out of the cubicles on the usually slippy floor and the place is always roasting hot... the kids will just get flustered and irritated being gawked at and prodded by 4 grown ups when they probably just want to get in the pool.
Can't you say to yours husband "of course they can come, but there is simply no need for 4 adults to help change 2 kids- either we wait in the cafe or they wait in the cafe"

Pickleshickles · 04/03/2018 11:16

If the cafe is always busy and there's not much room I can imagine the other parents would be seriously pissed off with 3 additional unneeded adults taking up space. Swimming lessons are already bloody annoying.

And yes, it's a bit off that they suddenly want to do it now your husband is involved.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 04/03/2018 11:17

I am a shit dm. Drop dd at the door, wander round the shops, collect at the door. The angle of the seats for the pool she uses spectators can't spectate at all!! The hot sweaty changing rooms affect my asthma and she is distracted by anyone watching anyway!! She loves filling me in over a hot drink in the supermarket cafe top!! Your dh is deluded anyone has fun at swimming lessons!

EduCated · 04/03/2018 11:17

Just say no! Don’t be guilted into this circus of stupidity. How will it be a fun time for anyone? Surely the lesson isn’t even that long? They’re not going to get to spend any meaningful time with DS either.

PorkFlute · 04/03/2018 11:19

And unnecessary adults really shouldn’t be just hanging round in the changing rooms where other kids are changing. That would have made me feel quite uncomfortable.

Willow2017 · 04/03/2018 11:20

I cant think of anything worse! Swimming lessons are not family time! The kids will play up as to who is helping them get ready/dressed and all those adults are gonna get in the way. If i were you i would stay at home with baby and see how long he thinks its a good idea. Make him do it from start to finish though - get thier gear organised, get them ready, sort out washing when he gets home.

Plus it would really piss me off that 4 adults were taking up seats in our tiny pool cafe to have a chat they can do anywhere else with me possibly having to stand for half an hour. Jmho

Original poster

Efferlunt · 04/03/2018 11:22

Yes they will expect to come in the changing rooms and yes cafe is always crowded with people standing etc. I just know mil has imagined changing two compliant children and then having leisurely coffee from a comfy chair whilst watching them fondly. Well they’ll find out soon enough.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 04/03/2018 11:24

How about you get DH to do it the first time with PIL and you'll come along the following week

HotelEuphoria · 04/03/2018 11:24

Seriously I agree with others, smile, say that's kind of you, but it really is awfully rammed and no fun, then let them come.

Honestly, they will be soon grow tired although I suspect they will moan very loudly about the lack of seats, space and queues before that happens

S0ph1a · 04/03/2018 11:26

I think it’s a great opportunity for your DH to spend family time with his parents . So say that you will stay at home .

Alternatively, go to the pool with them all but, as soon as you arrive, just “ pop out “ to pick up something essential from the nearby shops. Make sure you come back 10 mins after it’s finsihed so DH has time to have the kids ready. Then you can go off and do something with DH and kids.

Next week schedule in a dentist appointment. Or pick up a prescription. Or run out of nappies. Take an urgent work phone call. Have to phone a friend whose mother is unwell . Stay home to wait in for the plumber / person who reads the gas meter. Every week a creative new reason.

Three adults is plenty to look after baby and 2 kids. Since you have been doing it alone and will be for years to come.

I think you will find that before long your DH will find that the arrangement doesn’t work for him anymore. I suspect that they all want you to come along to do the work while they drink coffee and get to coo over their GC. DH wants you there to make that happen for his parents without him having to do anything.

Remember that an everyday task for a woman ( like taking two kids plus baby to the pool) becomes a heroic endeavour requiring support and deserving of much praise when a man does it.

Banalarama · 04/03/2018 11:28

You aren’t being unreasonable. It sounds really annoying. Either your DH does it with parents in tow and you have some time off. Or you carry on without them. (I’d opt for the former myself). But it’s not sensible for you to have to do it all together - it would strain an already delicate relationship I’m sure and no one will be pleased when that happens ...

S0ph1a · 04/03/2018 11:30

BTW you MUST make sure that your DH or PIL do the whole thing . Including getting swimsuits and towels ready the night before and washing afterwords .

If you let them do all the fun bits while you do the work then they will want to come forever.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 04/03/2018 11:35

Sorry nothing useful to add, just had to LOL at swimming lessons being considered ‘nice family time’

Motoko · 04/03/2018 11:47

OP, you've been doing this for ages on your own. Other people don't get to tell you how this is going to happen, so if you want to bow out, then do so. If you want to let them come once, then you make the rules, They stay out of the changing rooms because there is absolutely no reason for them to be in there, and other parents might feel uncomfortable having two randoms who aren't changing children just standing there watching and getting in everyone's way. They take the baby and get a table and drinks.

You are not unreasonable to either not want to go, or not want them going with you. Stand up for yourself! Don't let others dictate to you.

ivykaty44 · 04/03/2018 11:48

How can it be family time when the children are in the pool segregated from the adults?

Ask your dh that? And whatever his answer is tell him your going to segregate yourself at home

GreenTulips · 04/03/2018 11:54

but managing associated hangers on won’t enhance my experience

That made me LOL!

Week 1 - arrive at pool (say whoops forgot baby bag! Silly me!) drive round the corner to nice coffee shop and be back just after it all finishes!

Week 2 - remember bag but not nappies (train baby to poop at precisely 11am - may take time!) pop out for nappies

Week 3 - DH has realised that this fun activity is crap and has to co- ordinate his parents being in the way - along with winey kids and crap coffee - plus added shower and hair wash isn't the 'fun' time he had in mind - and he gets a migraine!! Tells MIL to take the kids so he stays home with you

Yarboosucks · 04/03/2018 11:59

As far as I can see, the reality will be that your PIL will join you in sitting in a cafe at the pool while the kids go swimming. I cannot see the issue; seems a bit nitpicky to me TBH.

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