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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL coming to DC swimming lessons

107 replies

Efferlunt · 04/03/2018 10:15

For over a year now I’ve been taking my older two to swimming lessons with baby in tow. It’s the usual wrestling with wet children (baby in sling) in overheated poorly cleaned local pool, not my absolute favourite way to spend my time but a means to an end.

Recently the time of the lessons have changed and now DH can come too. That’s great. I did suggest that I could stay at home with baby but he thinks it will be a nice thing to do with the family. That’s fine we can get a coffee and chat etc while the kids are swimming, we’ve done this a few times now, all good.

DH couldn’t come to the last lesson. I get a call from FIL suggesting he drive MIL from the next town over to help me with it. I explained that while a nice thought I’d been doing it fine on my own for ages so they really didn’t need to drive from the next town over in the snow for no good reason - roads were horrible.

Anyway MIL said that in future she’d really like to come and help DH and I with swimming lessons because she’d love to see them swimming. Again I tried to explain that you don’t stay poolside during lessons so she’d have to admire them from a distance from the cafe viewing area where there are never enough seats. But she wants to come anyway.

FIL needs to drive her so they’d both come, so we would have four adults and a baby to take two kids swimming trooping in and out of the changing room etc. To me this sounds like making a mildly stressful situation worse. MIL means well but can be quite hard work and does get upset when things don’t meet her expectations so I can’t see this being the ideal time to spend time together and will probably strain our delicate relationship.

Okay so first world problem but AIBU to say no to this (it will cause offence) or just leave them to it and stay at home. It’s been suggested that I am. I’m also fine with them coming to ‘help’ with other activities just not bloody swimming.

TL:DR Aibu to say that you don’t need four adults to take two kids swimming and it actually causes more problems then it solves?

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/03/2018 10:41

Yes good point. The rose tinted glasses of how marvellous swimming lessons are will soon be off. I actually skipped out of there once the dc had done their gold!

ButteredScone · 04/03/2018 10:41

You are completely overthinking this. Let them come.

All things to do with babies and young children are temporary arrangements. The situation will be all change before you know it.

Original poster

Efferlunt · 04/03/2018 10:43

I am aware I might have been a bit narked and unreasonable because a) the implication is this is all being done for my benefit when I’ve managed fine for years and b) it’s not the highlight of my week and this isn’t going to make it easier and c) I’m not allowed to bow out and don’t particularly want to anyway as we often go on to do other stuff afterwards

OP posts:

Theresasmayshoes11 · 04/03/2018 10:43

Let them get on with it and stay home. Your dh can have say he thinks it’s a good family bonding session but you don’t hsvr to agree.

Tell him he’s in charge for swimming and parents in law can please themselves

Theresasmayshoes11 · 04/03/2018 10:44

And as an adult woman you are allowed to bow out! Of course you are

Original poster

Efferlunt · 04/03/2018 10:44

But I accept this isn’t all about me and I am being a bit unreasonable. Guess I’ll just go along with it.

OP posts:

Snowmagedon · 04/03/2018 10:45

You've been told?
Well tell them back... Actually I don't enjoy it so I will stay at home thanks

Goldmandra · 04/03/2018 10:46

Tell them you don't care whether they think YABU. You are staying at home for peace and quiet. They can take the baby with them if they want but they don't need to.

It's only nice family time if you're all enjoying it. You wouldn't be.

YANBU

user1andonly · 04/03/2018 10:47

I think I would agree to it, go along the first couple of times and hope they soon get bored!

If they then want to keep coming, start skipping the odd one (using reasons like a hair appointment etc so that they can see you are 'doing something' rather than just chilling at home - some people seem to have a problem with anyone wanting to to this!) and gradually phase it into DH taking all the children every week and meeting his parents there. They cannot make you come, after all, you are an adult, they can huff and puff all they like but they can't drag you into the car for some enforced family bonding time!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/03/2018 10:47

Stay home and suggest you all go for lunch/dinner later on and that’s the enjoyabl Family time?

MrsDilber · 04/03/2018 10:48

Good intentions, I'm sure. I bet they want to see GC swimming. Try it once and see how it goes. It's only a couple of hours in a week. If it's a pain and doesn't work, you can say so after the event.

Butterymuffin · 04/03/2018 10:49

Just calmly say you're going to get on with (name something) instead and you'll meet them afterwards to go onto whatever it is you'll all go on and do.

Slartybartfast · 04/03/2018 10:53

yabu, let them come, they can decide if its worth it in future

Snowmagedon · 04/03/2018 10:53

So many of these issues come because of a lack of assertion... Just say you don't enjoy it and would rather stay at home!!

Original poster

Efferlunt · 04/03/2018 10:53

you are right they will probably get bored after a while or (best outcome) they could take them and DH and I could be home together. We are pretty busy and don’t see each other much.

I can see swimming lessons becoming swimming lessons and lunch and then another activity too. This would be fine once in a while but not every weekend.

OP posts:

jimijack · 04/03/2018 10:53

Lol, I think you may be the family that come to my son's swimming lessons, I feel really sorry for the mother and for the kid swimming to be honest.
There's the mum, dad, 2 baby's in a pram grandad and grandmother.
They take up a viewing bay, most of the few chairs that are there, and people have to squeeze by the pram to then stand up for the lesson because the pram of course has to placed somewhere amongst this crowd.
The kid in the pool has all these eyes on him, who insist on waving and gesturing to him every time they catch his eye. It's a huge window so he can't hear them. And for the love of God if he has trouble with his goggles (all the time) they frantically gesture to the swimming teacher to help him.

They crowd into the changing rooms in every ones way, the mum helps the kid into swimming stuff, then feeds the babies in the pram during the lesson, deals with them if they cry then helps child get dressed, other family members do nothing to help out as far as I can see.

It exhausts me to watch every week.
Feel for you op, nightmare.

frasier · 04/03/2018 10:54

I saw similar with MIL and SIL's children re an activity. She wanted to go, doesn't drive, had to be picked up beforehand adding 20 minutes (one way) to a 15 minute journey... and after going a few times started complaining that SIL "needed" her to go.

I suggest that if she "wants to see them swimming" that you all (including DH) go together for a one off session, or, better still, DH and his parents go leaving you and baby at home. It's still a "family activity" for DH, just with his extended family.

SeaCabbage · 04/03/2018 10:54

The thing is, your dh thinks it is a great family time, but you don't. You are allowed to have a different opinion to him. Stick to your guns.

ToesInWater · 04/03/2018 10:55

Stay home with the baby! Basically everyone wants to come and enjoy the warm fuzzy "family time" feeling safe in the knowledge that if anyone actually has to do anything that would be you - sod that, smile sweetly and say no.

HoppingPavlova · 04/03/2018 10:56

I’d smile and go along with it. I’m guessing the novelty will wear off very quickly and you won’t see them after the second week.

Also don’t see how it causes issues. DH gets kids ready for pool while you and MIL settle at a table and FIL organises coffees.
Then after swimming either send DH and MIL off to change kids while you have baby (2 pairs hands will be quicker than 1 getting them dried/changed). OR you and DH take kids to get dried/dressed and leave baby with MIL/FIL. I can only see positives in 2 additional people to be honest.

Tubbyinthehottub · 04/03/2018 10:58

Where we go there is a rule about number of adults to children 'to ease congestion in the changing rooms and poolside'. Could you pretend there is such a rule?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 04/03/2018 11:00

I feel stressed out just at the idea of it! That said, they want to come because “it’s something nice to do as a family” (I don’t get it either) then let them. While you stay home and enjoy the peace. Yes your DH said it would be nice for you all to go. But you have free will. Make the most of it and leave all 3 in his soul care without you.

RandomMess · 04/03/2018 11:04

No way would I be guilted into going as well "I've done this for x years on my own, you and PIL go ahead and crack on. I find it stressful and hard work and think it will be worse with all of us there so I'm sitting this one out"

PorkFlute · 04/03/2018 11:07

Sitting or standing in a cramped cafe for a half an hour swimming lesson isn’t exactly a good time for a family get together!
I would just tell a white lie and say that you’ve checked and for reasons of space a maximum of 2 adults are permitted to accompany children to swimming lessons but they are more than welcome to take the children swimming or come with you at another time.

Whisperquietly · 04/03/2018 11:07

I think it’s amazing they are taking an interest. Clearly taking DC swimming is (understandably) not the highlight of your day, so why not let PIL help out?

Unless they are hell bent on helping, I suspect they’ll only come once or twice.

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