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Original poster

To ask if you ever think of your first love? (Posting for traffic)

103 replies

Kittycattycoco · 04/03/2018 08:45

Have name changed for this - I’m curious if anyone else ever thinks of their first love, despite being happily married/settled?

I am very happily married to someone I consider my soulmate. We have 3 wonderful DDs, life is lovely.

But I sometimes find my mind wandering back to a person from my past - actually a very long time ago now - who was my first love, which ended in heartbreak (for me) and left a few wounds that I don’t think really healed.

I have no wish or desire to ever see this person again, and in fact, it would be really weird to do so, but I find myself thinking back and wondering what their life’s like etc and just, well, thinking about them I suppose. I have even found myself thinking about how life would be now if things had been different - that’s not to say I wish that. I absolutely don’t. I just, well, wonder I suppose.

Every time I do though, I feel so so guilty - to be thinking, sometimes what feels like a lot, about a person from a time before that has no place in the now and tomorrow. I find it confusing and a bit upsetting sometimes that this person can still creep into my thoughts, I suppose.

I just wondered if I was alone, or if anyone else ever thinks back? I feel like a bit of a wally asking this to be honest. But I’d be interested to see if this is fairly common or if I’m actually a bit nuts?

OP posts:
affectionincoldclimate · 04/03/2018 09:26

Yes.

It is not my first love though. We are firm friends and still talk (with full knowledge of my DP) who's met him quite a few times.

It's my ex-DH who was the greatest love of my life as in in the definition of that sweeping, all consuming, will love you forever love. I say that knowing that great loves of your life are often not the people you end up with. And it's good that we didn't as we had to separate at the time. I disagreed then, today I know it was the right thing to do. I had some growing up to do as did he. He was however one single biggest influence on who I am today and in a way he has saved my life, which is what caused the relationship to break in the end. It was a big, expansive, all consuming relationship where we were always together. Even the way we met and subsequently married was stupidly and madly romantic, bit movie like. It was unsustainable. Yet, for many reasons he was simply someone incredibly special and will always remain that person for me. He knows that.

That break up (and it wasn't a good one) nearly broke me but also forced me to grow, to examine myself, to take responsibility, to go out into the world alone for a while. And that was priceless. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I love my current DP in a committed, mature and realistic way. I see him and he sees me - and neither are scared by what they see. I think it's so easy in relationships to retreat into comfortable corners where we only allow the partners to see what we want them to see - I've been there and done that. Love as someone I respect once said, is regenerated commitment. Once the hormones and the heady excitement goes, all that's left is commitment to making things work with the person you see in front of you. I have that now and it's priceless. And i think the biggest lesson from my big love was that it doesn't have to be forever either. And that feels scary sometimes but that's life.

dejectedharry · 04/03/2018 09:36

I used to often think of my first love. I shouldn't because it ended in a nasty fight which turned violent and resulted in my miscarriage. I used to yearn for the life we should of had. Me him and our little girl. I loved him in a way I never thought I'd find again, but I was young and dumb. He was a terrible person in hindsight and I will never regret walking away.

I saw him over Christmas and it felt like the world stopped. I really hate him but I also don't because I think he made me a better person.

I feel guilty when I think of him because I'm remembering the good times. The years of loving with no care as you do as a teen, but it's not a true image of what it was like and when I look deeper I remember all the heartbreak and devastation we caused as a pair. He was my first love but he wasn't meant to be my only love. I like to think of it as he showed me the way to find the path I should take.

ScreamingValenta · 04/03/2018 09:39

Yes. I often wonder what conversation we'd have if we were to meet. At the same time, I would feel very awkward if this did happen! No idea where he is now.

Gillian1980 · 04/03/2018 09:40

Yes, often.

We broke up 19 years ago and I last saw him 13 years ago. I’m happily married with a dd, as is he.

We’re Facebook friends so I see how he’s getting on and I’m happy for him. But I have had the odd “what if” moment overs the years, mostly before I met my dh.

Mulberry72 · 04/03/2018 09:43

Good God, no.

Horrible fucker put me in hospital twice before I summoned up the courage to leave him.

I’m hoping he’s dead.

Dustysparrow · 04/03/2018 09:48

Yes I do think of him often. He died in a motorbike accident about 9 years ago and I will always feel sad that he is no longer here. I was married with a baby when it happened, so we had broken up some years before, but he was a nice, funny guy and full of life, and the accident was not his fault, it seems so unjust. And weird that he isn't 'out there' any more. I have dreams about him quite often as well.

Giggorata · 04/03/2018 09:48

I think of him often, in a nostalgic bittersweet way. I moved away and so did he. We were never in touch, but he is a bit well known in his field. He gets an occasional mention in related press articles.
We are both happily long term married and will never meet again.

Umakemefeellikedancing · 04/03/2018 09:50

Yes

Jaunty · 04/03/2018 09:59

I have two loves from before my dh. I think about both of them in a 'what if' kind of way, but this isn't in a longing way, more in a 'it would have been a nightmare' kind of way.

My first love I met at 15 and we were together until 18. At the time he was gorgeously good looking and sweet, and I was heartbroken when he ended things. I am still vaguely in touch with him now 20 years later as every time he breaks up with a girl or is going through hardship he reaches out to me. I'm some sort of crutch to him which I find bizarre. I see photos of him on Facebook and he's aged very well but he isn't at all what I'd be attracted to now. He's also very needy. If I met him now as a single woman I wouldn't be attracted to him at all, where as at 15 he had the kind of looks that every girl loved. Personality wise he isn't my cup of tea either. He's like a needy, overgrown child who needs mothering (which would actually make sense as his mother was spiteful and neglectful towards him).

I was with my other love from 20 to 25. I think about him ALOT. I think this is because of how dreadfully he treated me- I don't think I got the closure I needed from this relationship hence my thinking frequently about him. He was a very messed up person and was vicious and abusive towards me for much of our relationship. I've seen a photo of him recently and he's aged horribly, probably due to alcohol abuse. Again, if I were to meet him now I wouldn't be attracted to him physically or mentally as I'm a stronger person now and would see him straight away for the vile person he is.

The point of this waffle is that thinking of previous ex's is very normal. It can be unnerving, especially when you dream about an ex (which I have done over the years) but it doesn't mean anything most of the time. These are people who have shaped us in some way or another. Thinking about them doesn't invalidate your current relationship and how you feel about your partner.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 04/03/2018 10:03

I do all the time. Mind you, it’d be weird if I didn’t really, because I married him :o

Original poster
Kittycattycoco · 04/03/2018 10:08

Thanks everyone. I’m really comforted to know it’s not just me as I was beginning to wonder - it’s not something I want to ask anyone IRL. Lots of these stories really resonate with me - thank you!

OP posts:
lovemylover · 04/03/2018 10:10

I often thought about my first love, ages 14-15, but meeting him years later after going back to the town i lived in then,
It cured me, nothing like in looks he was then,even looked smaller than i remembered,
Never thought and wondered about him since

Original poster
Kittycattycoco · 04/03/2018 17:43

Yes, I’m sure he’d be nothing like the person I remember - there are over two decades passed now....

OP posts:
BrazzleDazzleDay · 04/03/2018 17:58

I've thought about mine an awful lot this week. Had went on fb to check my dh's workmate got home ok in the snow, first two letters are the same as ex, and he's obviously unblocked me as he popped up. Have felt very unsettled since.

EnglishRose13 · 04/03/2018 18:01

I see his parents, or his current partner, or one of his friends, all the time.

Neither of us moved very far from our parents houses, it seems.

Funnily enough, I never see him. But it does mean I think about him often, and not in a fond, reminiscing kinda way.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 04/03/2018 18:10

I think of my first love from the age of 15-18 quite often. I went away to university and left him behind. We were in touch briefly a few years ago, but no longer. I think of him with affection.

The second waswhen I was at university and he pursued me for quite a while. We had a great time together, but university can be an interval in real life and after graduating, he went to America, taking my heart with him. I think of him with regret.

Rachie1986 · 04/03/2018 18:12

Great thread!

I sometimes do too, so not just you OP!

LadyLaSnack · 04/03/2018 18:17

Yes. A lot. He broke my heart ten years ago after ten years together (cheating with his now wife), and even if I try not to think about him he comes to visit in my dreams.

I don’t pine for him. I can see what he did was right for him, and in the long run was right for me, but it took me five years for the worst of the hurt to go, and some scars remain. I’m with someone much kinder and funnier now, who makes me happier than I was with first love. I would like to see that ex though, to ask him how he could live with himself treating me the way he did.

The problem with first love is the intensity of all that young love and lust. You never forget it.

JustHereForThePooStories · 04/03/2018 18:18

Yes, and we’re still in touch! Split amicably 18 years ago, and got back in touch via Facebook about ten years ago. We’re 8,000 miles apart now, and our lives have gone in completely different directions. We communicate maybe one a week (just interactions on social media/occasional text etc) and had a chat on the phone at Christmas.

It’s nice but neither of us move the conversation to the past, we tend to just talk about it our lives now. We were together as teens so it feels like a lifetime ago.

My husband knows, and doesn’t have a problem with it and would often ask after ex (they’ve never met).

Ex is a lovely person, and I’ve always liked him very much so it’s nice that we are friends.

Branleuse · 04/03/2018 18:23

yeah i do sometimes wonder what happened to him and hope he found happiness. He was a troubled soul but a nice and interesting person, if not always nice to me. I would love to hear he was doing ok. He appears to have disappeared off the face of the earth.

Original poster
Kittycattycoco · 04/03/2018 18:35

Ladylasnack your story is very similar to mine and I can relate 100% - I think your last sentence hits the nail on the head. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that kind of intensity and desire - and in turn, that level of hurt and unhappiness - again.

My DH however is a completely different kind of love, it’s blissful, happy, it’s honest, it’s very very pure and real and I never feel I have to be anything more than just me and I know we are meant to be. Which is why I find it so irritating to have this other person almost haunt me by popping into my ins now and then. But I am starting to understand a lot from this thread - some of you are so wise!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kittycattycoco · 04/03/2018 18:35

*into my mind

Not ins!

OP posts:
Lemonyknickers · 04/03/2018 18:39

I'm still friends with mine. Still think he's a lovely person but now know if I'd have married him, I'd also have divorced him! We both picked partners better suited in the end.

skittycat · 04/03/2018 19:07

I thought of my first love for many years when we were both in relationships.

We’re now single and got in contact again, but perhaps I’ve clung on to something that was always meant to stay in the past as it just doesn’t feel quite right now.

fabulousfrumpyfeet · 04/03/2018 19:12

I do, even though it was 26 years ago. I always regretted ending it, which I did for stupid reasons, and he was basically a bit of a gem. He is also now slightly famous so I can browse photos of him/his home/his wedding very easily!
That said our lives ultimately went in totally different directions. I'm happy in my life, and really chuffed for him that he got so far from such humble beginnings.

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