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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL is unfair

89 replies

pnbjelly · 04/03/2018 07:43

Background story as not to drop feed.

DS 4 and DD 2.

Known DP since we were kids etc grew apart went our own ways etc.

Was with ex many years and had DS. Ex cheated and left when DS was a newborn.

Got with DP when DS was 13 months old. Couldn't be happier he's amazing to my son and treats him like his own he adores him. Couldn't ask for more.

Fell pregnant with DD (a surprise, but very welcomed).

All very happy in our little family. The only problem is MIL. She obviously treats DS differently to DD and it's really winding me up. Not that it matters but my DS is an absolute angel such a loving sweet boy. It's really hurting me that she would do this. DP has mentioned it as really hurts him too but she denies it and causes arguments. I just worry now my sons getting older he will start to pick up on it.

AIBU to say you either treat them the same or don't bother with either??

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 04/03/2018 07:45

It's drip feed. Not drop.

YANBU. All equal or no seeing the children. It's damaging for them.

Original poster
pnbjelly · 04/03/2018 07:47

Sorry meant drip. Autocorrect on iPhone.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 04/03/2018 07:49

An obvious autocorrect. Not sure why it needed to be mentioned.

If course it is unfair. But it isn’t uncommon either. Does your ds have contact with his paternal gm?

Windmyonlyfriend · 04/03/2018 07:49

AIBU to say you either treat them the same or don't bother with either??

Absolutely not an unreasonable sentiment, but it isn’t you who should be having this conversation with your MIL, it’s your DP.

He needs to tell her that as far as he’s concerned, DS is his son and he expects both his children to be treated equally or sadly visits will have to stop.

inappropriateraspberry · 04/03/2018 07:50

It DOES matter. You are a family unit and should be treated as such. Blood ties are not everything. Definitely monitor it and see how it develops. I'm glad your DP has noticed, at least you are united and can work on this together.

LizzieSiddal · 04/03/2018 07:52

What sort of thing is she doing?

RickOShay · 04/03/2018 07:56

Yanbu
Really upsetting. Has dp spoken to her? What about fil? Could you both talk to him?

Original poster
pnbjelly · 04/03/2018 07:56

He does see paternal nan (not the best relationship) she has some mental health issues.
My Ex has 2 other children ( x and y) with his current (we can call her Mavis) and her mum and dad are 'Mavis mum and dad' or 'x and y's nan' so clearly not being treated equal there. And he's clearly noticed that. Makes my heart break.
DS and DD are very close to my mum and dad as am I.

MIL is a bit of a cow in all honesty. She's telling DP that I'm trying to stir and ruin there relationship (they aren't even that close)

OP posts:
Original poster
pnbjelly · 04/03/2018 07:58

Rickoshay mil and fil divorced. Fil very poorly with a long term condition (99% sure the reason mil divorced him)

OP posts:
Marriedwithchildren5 · 04/03/2018 07:59

You are being a bit u. Is dd her first gc? In an ideal world she would treat them both the same but then would ds's paternal gm treat them the same and would it be expected?

It would not be U to pull her up if she makes unfair comments In front of you or children.

Almostthere15 · 04/03/2018 07:59

Yes it does matter. I think DP needs the conversation with her, backed up by examples of when she's treated them differently, and reiterate that you come as a four. If try as much as possible for the first conversation to be neutral and calm but if the behaviour continues after that I would restrict the time I spent with her.

It feels horrible I'm sure

Original poster
pnbjelly · 04/03/2018 08:01

Lizziesiddle very over the top to DD 'hello baby' 'nanny loves you' loads of kisses in front of them both and always buys little presents for her and not DS.
And on the phone on Bluetooth in car saying to DP 'I'm looking forward to seeing DD' and DS said to me 'doesn't nanny want to see me' my heart literally broke and that was the breaking point for me. I will no longer talk to her. I think she's awful

OP posts:
DragonsAndCakes · 04/03/2018 08:01

My mum does this and I just try and address each individual incident. It’s easier to do that way to begging with.

ShackUp · 04/03/2018 08:04

Don't see her with either child. Very damaging behaviour. Do not let this carry on.

WeirdCatLady · 04/03/2018 08:05

I don’t think she should be saying anything mean or nasty to your son, but...technically...he ISNT her grandchild. Your son has his two grandmothers, it isn’t MILs fault one of them isn’t much use.

Olicity17 · 04/03/2018 08:05

Its a really difficult situation.

My aunty was in your mils position. Her son had a baby with a woman who already had a child. My aunty saw both kids are her grandkids. When her son and his girlfriend broke up, she never saw the first child again. Because the mother of the child wouldnt let anyone on our side see the child, inclyding my cousin who had veen the childs step father. My aunty was devestated as was her son.

Its ok saying blood isnt everything but it is a big deal. That being said, its not really fair to treat them differently either.

But there will be differences for both kids. Your ds has another family, shit or not. Everything wont aleays be equal.

Like i said, its a difficult situation.

greendale17 · 04/03/2018 08:05

Yes you are one family unit but your DS is not her Grandson. You cannot force MIL to love your DS.

Bahhhhhumbug · 04/03/2018 08:05

Hmm whilst l find it hard to feel the same about my step grandchildren as my biological ones (l have quite a few of both) l do try hard to bond with them, build up some sort of relationship with them etc. I also treat them the same with presents, treats, money etc. But in my case l was 'presented' with these dsgc when they were much older than yours e. g 9 and 13 yrs old in one case.
The one Dsgc l had no trouble bonding with and l think same of as my own is the one l met at 18 months and then had a sister who is my bio dgd so two reasons l found it easy, her young age and she is my dgd s sister.
So really your Mil should be able to open her heart more if she tried in your similar circs. But some people just struggle with bonding with dc that aren't theirs which we can't control but what we can control is how we treat them and behave towards them equally.

LizzieSiddal · 04/03/2018 08:06

That’s really awful and very cruel to say things like that.

You say DH has already spoken to her and she denies it and causes arguments? Well start making a list of what she’s saying/doing, so she can not deny what she’s done. Then Dh has to speak to her again, with the list as back up.

CavoliRiscaldati · 04/03/2018 08:06

one is her grand child, the other is not, why should she treat them the same? If you split with your partner, she will never see your son again, and she would have no right to. She shouldn't be rude, and buy presents for one but not the other, they are only children. You can't expect her to pretend one is her grand child when he's not.

LizzieSiddal · 04/03/2018 08:07

You cannot force MIL to love your DS.

The OP hasn’t asked for that. She just doesn’t want her saying horrible things which make her 4 year old feel left out.

Original poster
pnbjelly · 04/03/2018 08:08

*Lizziesiddal
*
Exactly this.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 04/03/2018 08:11

She absolutely should treat them practically the same when it comes to presents, and time and what she actually says to them. But you can’t expect her to feel the same way about them. As an adult, she has a responsibility to hide her feelings, though.

CherryMaDeary · 04/03/2018 08:13

MIL sounds very mean.

RickOShay · 04/03/2018 08:13

Jelly
You are right to feel the way you do, have to told dp how you feel? Would he accept limited contact with mil?

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