To think MIL is unfair

[pnbjelly]

Background story as not to drop feed.

DS 4 and DD 2.

Known DP since we were kids etc grew apart went our own ways etc.

Was with ex many years and had DS. Ex cheated and left when DS was a newborn.

Got with DP when DS was 13 months old. Couldn't be happier he's amazing to my son and treats him like his own he adores him. Couldn't ask for more.

Fell pregnant with DD (a surprise, but very welcomed).

All very happy in our little family. The only problem is MIL. She obviously treats DS differently to DD and it's really winding me up. Not that it matters but my DS is an absolute angel such a loving sweet boy. It's really hurting me that she would do this. DP has mentioned it as really hurts him too but she denies it and causes arguments. I just worry now my sons getting older he will start to pick up on it.

AIBU to say you either treat them the same or don't bother with either??

Does your child know who his father is or does he think your dp is his dad?

My aunt does this with my DC. All mine, but she took over with DD2, who's obviously her favourite. DS1 is an adult, and only recently got back in touch, his birthday and DD2's are 3 days apart, apparently he wasn't allowed to have a joint party with her because my aunt was paying, he should "grow up". DD2 wanted her new big brother to share her birthday celebrations, and he fucking well would have done if he hadn't ended up in hospital again. My aunt also said "her next party will be just for her". 😠

There are some sniffy posts here which are really unfair. Of course OP is criticising her MIL - she IS being a cow, and upsetting OPs DS! She IS blaming and “shaming” (?) because MIL IS to blame and is being shameful to exclude a young child in this way. OP has NOT said she thinks MIL should love her DS the same as the DD of course you cannot make yourself love a child who is not, in blood, a GC, but what you can do, quite easily is to treat them the same. It is easy to be nice and give attention to both, and it is easy to buy presents for both. The rule should be not to exclude a young child so he feels less loved and less important. That is all the OP is saying, and of course it is not BU. I think OP your DP needs to have a talk with your MIL. Not a quick chat fitted in with a family visit, but a time set aside for a proper talk because of your concerns. Give examples of what she has done, and how that makes your DS feel. He needs to make it clear that visits cannot happen if they will make your DS feel like that, and that as his parents, she must realise they cannot let that happen. He needs to say that the presents must stop unless they are given to both. That has to be set as a rule. He has to be very clear that the separate treatment has to stop, and she must tell them it will before they visit again. This is NOT using either child as a “pawn”. It is simply refusing to take your children into an unhealthy environment where they are treated unfairly (your DD will in time see the unfairness and what will she learn from it?) She may bluster and complain, but if given clear examples, she cannot deny her behaviour. Your DP must be firm, and if MIL is trying to imply it is you just making trouble, this is why it should be him, not you, that speaks to her. You need to protect both your children from this.

He isn't her grandchild so she should be polite and not make any disparaging comments but that's it. Anything else is a bonus.

But she isn't behaving politely. She's being downright divisive and unkind. That's not a 'normal' type of behaviour for any Grandparent or step-Grandparent.

MIL is not DS1's biological GM. DH isn't his Dad. From the moment they became part of DS1's (and eventually DS2's) life they have treated them as brothers, as equals, as family. It's not hard to love a child that isn't biologically related to you, it's not hard as an adult to behave fairly and kindly. It's an active choice to be unkind and adults that behave that way generally extend that unkindness in other ways through the lives of those around them.

Your DS has already begun to notice. He's already registering that she's treating them differently. That could dent his self-esteem hugely as years go by and I fail to see why it's ok for her to do that, simply because of biology.

But she isn't his nanny. It's an awful big ask, expecting an entire extended family to take on your previous family. Be nice to them yes but love them equally - never going to happen.

Out of curiosity, (a general question) with the 'treat them all the same' does anyone ever demand the family of the first child treat your subsequent children the same way? The eldest child always ends up with twice as much as the next child. (Because he has his own GPs etc, then his half siblings GPs are supposed to step up as well).

Totally relate to this. My Dad's partner had a grown up son. The grown up son married a woman (she was lovely) who had a DS from a previous relationship and then went on to have to children with the Grown up son.

My Dad's partner never treated him the same. Nothing too noticeable but nowhere near the amount of fuss and cuddles. Always got the same amount of present on Xmas and birthdays but, you could just tell, something was different with the DS. When I asked her (and my Dad) about it. They said 'but he's nothing to do with us. He's not blood related and he has his own GP.)

Really sad but that was their opinion!!! They were in their 70's so I put it down to a generalisation thing and prejudice against children out of wedlock etc.... But it made the see how flipping wrong it was. I'm sure he knew they didn't love him in the same way the others were.

But they only saw the GC once/twice a month so I like to think his Mum and Step-dad made up for it at home.

Yes to whoever asked if my son knows his dad. He sees him regularly.
I've never tried to force my DP to act like a dad to my son either. All I've ever asked is that he's treated fairly and kindly.
My DP loves my son as his own and my son adores him equally.
He loves mil and tries so hard to get her attention.

He loves mil and tries so hard to get her attention.

As any child does with any adult - but do his own GPs treat his half sister the same as they treat him?

well, all the people saying he is not "really" her grandson etc., I see your point, and it sounds reasonable... at the same time I just can't feel positive about somebody not opening their heart to a 4 year old, and a 4 year old that their own son loves dearly, he is juts a little boy

But no one is feeling positive about the MIL behaviour. Simply trying to highlight that it isn’t as straightforward as ‘go nc’.

Sorry but I do have to slightly defend her!

You can’t expect her to feel the same way about a child who is ultimately nothing to do with her over a biological grandchild.

I’m fond of my stepchildren, but I don’t love them the same way I do my own children.

This is a difficult one, you can't just force feelings.
From the sounds of it she tried with your son but once your DD she is actually related to was born, the feelings toward her were clearly very different to those for your son.

Her son is the one who fell in love with you, accepted you had a child already and chose to accept him like his own. She had no say in it, you can't just expect her to accept a none biological grandchild and treat them like a biological one. Just because her son made a choice and commitment to you and your existing child, she doesn't have to. Some people just don't like or can't feel the same about none biological compared to biological. It doesn't mean theres anything wrong with them or make them horrible, they just feel differently than you do and its just as valid a way to feel as being able to love and treat them the same.

So he does see his df regularly and has another extended family including grandparents. I’m speaking as the mother in the situation who has ds from a previous relationship he also sees his df regularly and has extended family members on that side. My mil is kind to ds gets him a birthday present and Christmas but she doesn’t spend the same amount on him as the other two because he goes to his df and gets a ton more from there side that the other two don’t get. I wouldn’t expect her too really because then my ds would be twice as much. On the odd occasion they get a small bag of sweets each but my mil might give dd a small toy or a colour book I wouldn’t expect her to get ds1 or ds2 who is her grandson because it’s just a treat at the time when she’s been with her. As a parent I make sure I treat my dc are fairly as I can in terms of presents but it’s a big ask to expect other people to when there is other family on the scene.

I don't get what's so hard for a grown woman to act kindly around children.

Each family has its own dynamic.

Eg my mother died, my father remarried - my SM (And I love her dearly) is NOT my childrens grandmother and they do not call her that. I would find it incredibly disrespectful to my own mother for another woman to have that title. My SM also has her own GCs, again who do not call my father 'grand dad' - they have their own grand parents.

Hypothetically what happens if the OP morphs into Ulrika Johnson and moves on and creates a third or fourth family ? The acquired grand parents along the way will soon cut ties with the non blood children, which will cause more upset.

MIL isn't blood related to DS, she is not his grand mother, and I think forcing a relationship she clearly isn't happy with is morally wrong. Of course she should treat the boy nicely and as part of the family, but that doesn't mean that it should be at the expense of her own blood grand child.

Who decided she was 'nanny'? did she introduce herself like that to DS? or did you and DP introduce her that way?

I suppose, in the way of MN, there will be an ultimatum, a manipulation of the DP and demands for NC thus depriving everyone of a relationship.

I think DP needs to have another quiet word, tell her DS's reaction when she says things like 'I'm really looking forward to seeing DD' point out a few examples and the impact that they are having. Be kind, tell her that you understand that she's going to have more of a connection with her biological GC but being so obviously unkind as to have your DS saying 'doesn't Nanny want to see me' and deliberately excluding him has to stop or she will have to see less of DD as you can't risk DS being damaged by all of this.

If he had originally been introduced to her as DP's mummy you can call her 'Susan' (as suggested by a PP) it would be a different scenario but she insisted on being 'nanny' and now she doesn't want to be.

I agree that this sounds very hurtful. I can't imagine how anyone could differentiate between the two children outwardly tbh. Yes of course she's going to feel different towards her GD nobody would deny that but she shouldn't be making him feel the way he is.

I think the only way to move forward from this is for you and DP to sit down and talk to her. Spell it out. She'll probably be upset and up in arms because you've called her out on it but she needs to know that it stops now.

Agree with the above poster. The 4 year old considers her his Nanny and adores her. That would surely make her want to treat him the same. I think he sounds lush.

I don't, however, understand this she should automatically love him otherwise nc. Your dd still deserves her gm. She's not a pawn in your game.

OP, your mil should treat them both the same. I cannot blame you being very upset over this. You need to protect your DS from this as much as you can. I don't know how you can do that tbh but you are right to be upset . She needs a strict talking to by either your DH or someone else, your DH sister or brother, who can explain how cruel this is . I would be tempted to cut all ties with her tbh and not let her see either of the DC. This behaviour is very damaging for your family unit, very divisive and cruel. I am so sorry my dear good luck with sorting this , l hope it has a happy ending for you all.

I've never said anything about NC.
Thanks for all the advice, will as Dp to have another chat with her.

If it makes you feel better my GM is actually my step GM, DF’s mother died a while before I was born. It was always very obvious that me and my DB were second to our cousins. It clearly annoyed my parents but they used to make jokes about it to me and DB rather than try and deny it. Now I’m grown up I’d say I’m fond of my GP but not overly close to them and I don’t think it’s had much of an affect on my self esteem. You just have to manage it carefully and while I wouldn’t suggest going NC I think you do need to reduce it.

“AIBU to say you either treat them the same or don't bother with either??“

I dont mean to sound harsh, but are you sure you aren't projecting your own feelings about your MiL onto your DS and making a big deal in front of him - the bluetooth conversation for example? (And on the phone on Bluetooth in car saying to DP 'I'm looking forward to seeing DD') - did MiL even know she was on loudspeaker? Did you start discussing in front of him? As others have said, its not your MiLs fault his natural GM isnt up to much but at least he has nice GPs in your parents and as long as MiL isnt mean to him, or leave him out on birthdays or Christmas I think you have to accept this is part of being a blended family rather than a perfect family. You also seem to have the same expectation towards your ex's new wife parents (if I'm understanding the links).

I would think very carefully before issuing ultimatiums about NC as you might be setting off a chain of events you can't easily undo.

I always look at this the same as I would friends kids. I wouldn't dream of rocking up at my mates and presenting one of her kids a gift and not the other, or showing affection or attention to one and not the other. That is quite simply cruel and bad manners.
My pil can be extremely irritating but they have never shown favour to either of my girls, one is their step grand daughter and they have done a good job.
It was lovely the other day as mil and dd16 were having a really nice chat and laughing together and I could see that mil and her actually have a really nice relationship.
You can be kind to and have a relationship with anyone you choose to, they don't have to be blood related.

Stop the blue tooth convos and tell her why.

If you don't like her and she doesn't like you and she never visits so you have to go there twice a month (and its only two miles away) why is this even an issue? Surely, your DH can take DD to see her whilst your DS is seeing his Father or his other grandmother. Gifts and treats can be monitored for fairness.

The two of you don't get on, stop forcing it, its only causing tension. I don't think another 'chat' is going to makes this better. Protect your son, take him him out if the situation. He will have enough attention from your mother/family and his other. You can solve this with a diary and good planning.