To think MIL is unfair

[pnbjelly]

Background story as not to drop feed.

DS 4 and DD 2.

Known DP since we were kids etc grew apart went our own ways etc.

Was with ex many years and had DS. Ex cheated and left when DS was a newborn.

Got with DP when DS was 13 months old. Couldn't be happier he's amazing to my son and treats him like his own he adores him. Couldn't ask for more.

Fell pregnant with DD (a surprise, but very welcomed).

All very happy in our little family. The only problem is MIL. She obviously treats DS differently to DD and it's really winding me up. Not that it matters but my DS is an absolute angel such a loving sweet boy. It's really hurting me that she would do this. DP has mentioned it as really hurts him too but she denies it and causes arguments. I just worry now my sons getting older he will start to pick up on it.

AIBU to say you either treat them the same or don't bother with either??

Sweeping statements and negative judgements are going to make this worse.

Removing contact with her gd because she is (consciously or subconsciously) struggling with her role as a step grandmother would be unkind. Like a punishment using your Dd as a pawn.

She probably does feel differently about your ds. But if the relationship is nurtured there is a chance to improve this very new situation.

You can’t force her into behaving differently, but you can communicate and work on improving the relationship with her.

MIL is a bit of a cow in all honesty
You want her to love your son, but you don’t even like her and are name-calling. That’s not a good start.

And she referred to herself as nanny to my DS before DD was born. Not fair to play nan and when her biological granddaughter is born to no longer want too.
At the end of the day I just want to protect my children. My son is a very sensitive little boy. DD and DS are so close.

*NotTakenUsername
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I have never once said I want her to love my son. I just expect as an adult for her to be more sensitive to what she says and how she acts.

jelly “I have never once said I want her to love my son. I just expect as an adult for her to be more sensitive to what she says and how she acts.”

This is what your DH has to say to MIL.
State that you know she must feel different towards DD, however she’s an adult and has to not hurt your DS’s feelings.

Sorry, on rereading I assumed you would want your son to be loved by his step gm. You didn’t say you wanted that.

Fixed it:

MIL is a bit of a cow in all honesty
You want her to accept your son and treat him with fairness and kindness, but you don’t even like her and are name-calling. That’s not a good start.

I’d stop seeing her and stop her seeing the children, your children have you, your partner and your parents. Not seeing your mil won’t damage them, but seeing her clearly will.

Not but the OP has said that MIL treated him kindly before the dd was born. She has changed the way she treats him.
That is not the OPs responsibility.

Has anyone talked to her about it?

Lizzie

No it isn’t, but I don’t think resolution comes from name calling and blaming.

Stamping feet and claiming things aren’t fair are behaviours I discourage in my Dd. Adults are much more sophisticated in their thinking. If the mil thinks op is causing problems, even if she quite like isn’t, that feeling needs to be heard in order to work towards a resolution.

This situation is nowhere near reasonable grounds for no contact yet. But the op sound like she may be just looking for a reason to fight, instead of some ideas to improve the situation for everyone.

The idea of treating two small children so differently to each other is appalling. That sort of behaviour is so divisive. Either she treats them equally or she doesn’t see either of them.

I agree with Bertrand - she clearly doesn’t feel the same connection to yher our son as she does your daughter as your son is not her grandson....your daughter IS her son’s child. But yes, she does have an obligation not to play that out in front of the children in a way that makes it obvious. I don’t know if she’s knowingly wicked or just a bit ignorant and inept but I would ask your dp to have a word, detailing incidents such as you have here as evidence of her blatant favouritism and asking her to be mindful of the feelings of you and your son.

To be honest, it doesn’t sound as though you’re her biggest fan anyway...the relationship could probably do with some effort from both sides.

Good luck x

Not “But the op sound like she may be just looking for a reason to fight, instead of some ideas to improve the situation for everyone.“

Well that’s your opinion. Not one shared by many on this thread though. Thank god.

You don't go to a house, anyone's house, and give a gift to one child and not the other (obviously with the exception of birthdays), ever, you just don't do that.

She might feel differently in her heart and that's fine but you just don't show it

I'm a MIL in a similar situation, I have always treated the two children absolutely equally and they both when younger used to stay with me. Secretly I preferred the one that wasn't ours, much nicer child, but I never let this show. However, what I did object to, making out my son was the father to both, to the children, I said tell X he isn't but it doesn't matter we love him as much as Y. ( X had no contact with bio father but everyone knew who he belonged too) it did end in tears when X was about 13 and someone told him.

The dynamics here are obviously upsetting for you, but it isn’t a foregone conclusion that your DS will notice or care. Lots of people find that there isn’t a very equal relationship with grandparents amongst the grandchildren and if you respond in a manner that is dramatic, huffy, indignant or sad then children tend to follow that example.

An amused sort of indifference - ‘isn’t granny silly’ is a better tactic, IMO.

Awk Lizzie, no need to get personal I replied to you in good faith. It is just an opinion.

I personally found calling another a woman ‘a bit of a cow’ unfair and unkind. Name calling can indicate a much deeper issue.

I also agree with Betrand I would inbounded to say it each time. Nan can you imagine how ‘x’ comment must make my DS feel, ‘he is hearing you say he is not as important as DD when you say that’ ad nauseum until she changes her behaviour. If she doesn’t I would minimise your DS’ and possibly your DDs contact with her.

he ISNT her grandchild. Your son has his two grandmothers, it isn’t MILs fault one of them isn’t much use

This ^^. He isn't her grandchild so she should be polite and not make any disparaging comments but that's it. Anything else is a bonus.

Step parents naturally love their own children more than step children so quite why people expect relatives to see no difference is beyond me.

Do you expect your sons family to treat your DD exactly the same?

NotTaken because some pedants will correct everything.

Have to be careful what I say as could possibly be 'outting'

Mil is a very materialistic person, and has done some pretty awful things to fil to access money etc.

She doesn't work but yet it's us that's expected to visit her (we live 2 miles away) I work nights DP works full time. She drives etc. If we don't take children to see her she won't come to see us. Then moans she never sees her granddaughter.

She's been overheard (unknowingly) by a friend of mine absolutely ripping me to pieces while having her nails done (FYI I've never done anything to her!)

I think maybe her problem lays with me and 'taking her son away' as she sees it. But it shouldn't impact on her treatment of the children.

inbounded=inclined I’ve no idea where inbounded came from

“This ^^. He isn't her grandchild so she should be polite and not make any disparaging comments but that's it. Anything else is a bonus“

Well, no. Not if she is actually visiting and both children are there - equal time and presents for both.

Not “Awk Lizzie, no need to get personal I replied to you in good faith. It is just an opinion.”

But you said the OP was “just looking for a reason to fight”. I think that’s not a very nice thing to say. She’s upset and wanting some advice, not to be told she’s causing he issue. She has already stated the MIL was kind to her DS before the DD was born. The MIL’s behaviour has changed. The DH has spoken to her and she is still carrying on. It is not the OP’s fault.

Thanks lizziesiddal

She doesn't sound very kind. Take a firm stand here. Be prepared with a little gift for DS hidden away in the nappy bag or glove compartment. Next time she has a gift for DD and not DS you can say 'and here is what Nanna got for you DS' and present it. Or if she excludes DS when speaking get your DP to correct her 'you forgot DS there mum. We need to talk about this.' Then you immediately take the children away to the park or the garden or MacDonalds and let your DH talk to his mum alone. Tell her that is the sort of unfairness you both think is unkind and what action you have decided to take.

If it were me I would tell her that if she isn't prepared to act like a Nanna to your DS you are going to have to stop pretending he is her Nanna. He will call her by her given name - Susan or Mrs Smith or whatever and will no longer make regular visits. That will mean all of you visiting less often as you wouldn't want her poor relationship with him to impinge too much on time you spend as a family.

It might be you have to follow through on that in which case when your DP does make occasional visits with your DD to visit HER Nanna you have to make a positive of it to DS by emphasising those visits are you and his special time alone and doing fun things together. That's got to be better for him than playing fake happy families with someone who isn't prepared to make an effort for him.

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